No Mog at Vogue!

‘Tis a curious case of the green eye. Although the bhabi was born with it, the nanad (also, an anagram for Nanda, get it?!!!!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚) flashes it more often! 😜

December 26, 2010 saw the insecurity of a daughter unfold towards a daughter-in-law on national TV. Seven years hence, status quo seems maintained!

Recently, Vogue erroneously accommodatedΒ Navya Naveli Nanda in a frame that should have ideally been reserved for only ‘The Bachchan Women’! 😳😳😳 Nandu… oops! Nanda surname gaya tel lene!!!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

 

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Purely by the strength of her illustrious maiden name, which she has hung on to rather assiduously, Shweta qualified for the photo op. And the same phenomenon, in reverse, must have done Ash in. But if there’s anyone who absolutely deserved to be clicked, it was lil Aaradhya. She certainly has more claim on the Bachchan name than Navya! Why wasn’t she in the pic then? Oh, I forgot! Like always, she’d need mommy dearest to carry her!!!!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Isliye Rai aur cutiePie dono ko bol diya Tata Bye Bye!!!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Looking closely, the First Family of Bollywood appears to suffer from the same malaise crippling every other nondescript family in the world. An envious daughter who spites the daughter-in-law for taking her place in the family is such a Kahaani Ghar Ghar Ki! She who will sway her mother’s thoughts and father’s emotions so as to never let them wholeheartedly accept and wholly include the new entrant, thereby leaving the hapless soul to fend for herself as an outsider all her life. Subtle taanas to explosive tamaashas, they ARE the norm in families with mixed-gender rather than same-sex siblings. Husbands of two sisters/ wives of two brothers share a better camaraderie than a bhabi and nanad. Had Abhishek a brother or Shweta a sister, the Bachchans would never have to contend with such an embarrassing spread. Goes to prove that naari hi doosri naari pe padti hai bhaari!😏

Saif: The Male Kaif!

Lately, I find Saif relentlessly pulling off a Kaif! She plays dumb on celluloid and he in tabloids!!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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Sangat ka asar πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

What was that Sunny-Deolesque bhaari barkam dhai-kilo ka ‘baat’ πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ he recently threw in our faces? Eugenics, right?😨😷

That very term seems to have failed him terribly early on in life. Β Why else did he not walk the hallowed halls of Oxford University unlike the rest of his illustrious clan? Why else did he not hit a sixer like his acclaimed father? Although he certainly resembled one [read chhaka] πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ for the better part of his youth!!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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Bottomline: Eugenics should never ever be elaborated on by an erstwhile eunuch!!!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚Woah..the alliterations in that one!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

His reasoning on why nepotism rocks is beyond bizarre. He says people should invest in pedigree because they are the likeliest to succeed in any given field. Brace yourselves guys! I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Jacckky ‘SHOWOFF’ (Bhagnani), Vivek O-BORE-BOI and Jaa [S]Imran Jaa (Khan) yet!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Eugenics also permit Abhishek to burn producers’ moolah and gaajars too πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ at the stake! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Investing in Eugenics has proved profitable at times but those have been far and few. Imagine if no one had tapped into Hrithik Roshan’s potential!!! 😱 That lad would still be twiddling his thumbs at home. All 3 of them!!!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

I can just feel it in my bones that Sara Ali Khan is gonna shame ‘Eugenics’ and the ‘Promoter’ of that word real soon! What a karmic treat it’d be if she was to debut opposite Varun Dhawan in a disaster-of-a-film helmed by the Snooty Flag Bearer of Nepotism himself! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Kangana would certainly be like this πŸ‘‡

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Karma Deductions

July 15, 2017 is a date sure to go down in the annals of cinematic history.

Very rarely do you see pedigree shame itself. Three successful men, with roots in the industry deeper than those of that ancient banyan tree in your courtyard, made bumbling fools of themselves by proudly defending nepotism of all things in the world! 😳😳😳😷😷😷😷That too on national TV!!! 😱😱😱 Life truly imitated art, for indeed, we saw 3 Idiots for real on that day!!!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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Nepotism and its cousin, the infamous Casting Couch,.. remind me so much of Lord Voldemort! πŸ‘½ They who must never be named!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

On and off, several small-time starlets have summoned a mustard-seed-of-courage to speak up against these twin evils sullying the industry since its inception. We never did hear from them again. Their careers were finished before they could even begin!

And then came a woman with balls bigger than those of all the men collectively in Bollywood. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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The Queen Bee..tch .. Β is what these sissies call her behind her back! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

She hit a towering sixer when she asked the Sixer of Bollyland [Hrithik, who else πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚] to not hide behind his father but to deal with her directly in the open as he used to clandestinely deal with her behind closed doors in the past! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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She then locked horns with the frivolous KJo who we have been JLoing like his Hollywood counterpart. The cherry on the icing is that she did it on his own chat show!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

She called him out for ridiculing her accent when she was a struggler much to her co-guest, Saif Ali Khan’s discomfort. As if that wasn’t enough to set their mouths wide open, she left them with their jaws burrowed deep in their chest when she accused Johar (and rightly so) of being a “Snooty Flag Bearer of Nepotism” and a “Movie Mafia” of sorts. Her candor was so refreshing especially since half of the season could best be described as a diplomatic saga.

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Kangana’s a smart woman because she chose to wait for the right time to fight these bullies. When she’s at the top of her game without fear of being silenced like the not-so-fortunate newbies. When she’s so secure in her space that she refuses to worship the ground the movers and shakers of the film fraternity walk on. When nobody can topple her off the pinnacle because even if you consider all of them together, collectively they don’t possess even an iota of her talent!

I never was a huge fan of Kangana in her early days of acting. She cloned herself in every other release so much so that I couldn’t tell a Gangster apart from Woh Lamhe or even a Fashion.

And then came Once Upon A Time… and I was hooked onto the fabulous success story she single-handedly penned in this male-dominated world she was born to rule over.

I used to admire her bravado for lashing out against the cowards who doused her sister with acid but it was only earlier this year that I fell in love with her simplicity when she appeared on the Kapil Sharma Show with Shahid and laughed her guts out at Gutthi’s adorable antics.πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ She laughed without restrain…without any fear of her mascara smudging or her foundation caking. She laughed like a child…not like how a woman is conditioned by society to laugh.

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And now I respect her because she spat out her grudges to the person who’d wronged her to his face and didn’t indulge in malicious gossip behind his back. She wasn’t overly sweet to him neither was she vindictive but she’d cleared the air between them and had KJo been mature about the whole thing, Dharma was sure to spring a blockbuster in the near future with the Queen, no less, at the helm.

But the man-baby had to cry on every shoulder he found. In London, whilst speaking to Anupama Chopra, the presumptuous old fart embarrassed himself by revealing that he was surprised Kangana even knew the meaning of Flag Bearer of Nepotism!!! 😎

Kangana herself had mentioned it to him that Anupama’s husband is her biggest well-wisher in the industry. Either KJo intended for the spite to reach Kangs’ ears loud and clear or he’s as dumb as the films he conceives to want to bare his bleeding heart to someone who clearly belongs in Camp Kangana!

Be as it may, he dug his own grave at the IIFA by dissing her when she wasn’t even around to defend herself. How cowardly! I’ve never doubted him being a sissy but the machismo Saif and Varun exude on screen has to be a sham! 😜Kangana has had no issue with both hitherto so their ass-kissing stunt, just to score a few brownie points from Johar, speaks volumes about their gentlemanly facade. Good thing that they aren’t gonna forget the dreadful taste of their feet in their mouth anytime soon!😎

Not sure about the fate of Dharma Productions, but Karma deductions for distasteful behaviour happened in full swing on that day!!!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

 

Not a Pankha of Tubelight

I just caught Tubelight and it was the most enlightening 3 hours of my life. I’ve concluded:

  1. Salman’s impressive Bajrangi had to be a fluke!
  2. Sohail’s impressive Bharat is certainly a fluke!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

The two play out their real-life relationship on reel and it’s so sickeningly sweet, bhai’s fans could do without a helping of Sheer Korma on Eid! Director Kabir Khan really overdid the Cheeni in this one.. Pun intended!😝

Set against the backdrop of the Sino-Indian War of 1962, Sohail, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Mr. Bean, has to go fight the CheenπŸ˜‚ I kid you not but the soldiers have been shown as actually ambling across enemy territory like one would in a park!😱 No wonder we lost! πŸ˜‚Kabir Khan’s expertise lies in war films but the war montage here is laughable at best.

China prepares for a truce and sets up a Laxman Rekha, but how I wish they’d draw a Rekha for the real Laxman in the film! πŸ˜‚ Salman really overstepped his boundary in the film! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚Whatever glory was garnered in Bajrangi Bhaijaan, he’s given it up all without a fight (pun intended) in Tubelight. He does nothing that endears him toΒ his pankhas. No mara mari, no shirtless savari πŸ˜‚ Only his pravachan is jaari! πŸ˜‚

Yakeen hamesha dil mein rakho, dushmano se dosti karo, aur audience ko slow poison dekar maaro!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

A local magician exhorts him to believe and hope with all his heart to get things moving in life and he moves a bottle, then a mountain, but all the while, movesΒ us to tears!And I don’t mean that in a good way! His man-child act is so farcical when you compare it to a Krish or to a Samar. Salman’s expressions are so contrived, he ends up caricaturing Laxman horribly. I didn’t even tear up once in what were intended to be emotional scenes. Words like goo, susu and potty sum up the humor quotient of the film. Toilet humor is so passe and yet the bhai bhakts were rolling in mirth! 😳

Chinese import Zhu Zhu is as bland as the cuisine of her land! πŸ˜‚ Her son, Matin, is cute as a button but, this talkative munna is no match for the mute munni. And after watching such a jaded, preachy film, I’m speechless too! Again, not in a good way!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shabaas

Truly, this dude deserves all the accolades coming his way. Not only has he succesfully engraved the identity of Indian Cinema on the global map, he’s also effectively “SNAPped, short the “CHATting” ability of a certain Mr. Spiegel! πŸ˜·πŸ˜œπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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While the whole of my tribe is drooling over this ‘Made-In-India’ Adonis, I’d be quite content to be his mum…or his mother-in-law…lol. To me, he’s quite the Goody Two-Shoes! As for me, I need someone more badass, someone more wicked…like SRK..lol. See πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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Anyhoo, word is that the “original” Miss Goody Two-Shoes from Bollywood would be collaborating with her male counterpart for next year’s mega- release, Saaho. 😷😷😷

I mean, wth! 😑😑😠😠 Are the makers even serious???!? Kat is a doll for Chrissakes!!! Wasn’t she crowned Human Barbie or something a while ago?Β Have you looked at her resume if not her repertoire? It clearly states that she can ONLY pout and preen before going back to looking like an ice queen! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Honestly guys, drop her! She’s as lethal as that suicide bomber who ripped Manchester apart. She’s gonna kill us Prabhas fans with her poor histrionics. 😰 In fact, I foresee a high probability of Prabhas’ fans turning against him on account of the inanimate vixen😭…We don’t wanna say Bakwaas to anything related to Prabhaas now, do we?

Rope in Shetty instead. She’ll save it from being shitty! πŸ˜œπŸ˜‚ And Saaho won’t turn into a Saho!!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Of Chiknas and Chamelis

Usually, any moment is a good photo-op moment what with Β our stars always perfectly groomed. Unlike the days of yore, when fashion disasters were as likely as getting pigeon poop on your head, the current breed of stars seem to be a wisened lot.

So,while they twinkle brightly even in the dead of night donning glamorous labels and flaunting perfect coiffures, there’s only but once when they shone blazingly, looking like a million bucks. Here’s when:

  1. Ranbir in Badtameez Dil

It took him 6 looooooong years to metamorphose from the sissyish clone of his mother that he used to be to THIS! I can’t put my finger on what makes him look so bloody badtameez here! 😘 Is it his ruffled,shorter crop or the badass ring in his ear or his crisply tailored suit….I could go on and on…sigh!

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2. Can’t really leave his exes behind now, can I? 😝 Deepika in Lungi Dance.

Dippy always makes our tribe feel like we ought to crawl under a rock. But looking the way she did here, we almost smashed that rock on our heads!

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3. Katrina in Everything! πŸ˜‚ But she looks especially ghazab in Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahaani.

Kat looks PHAT in EVERYTHING πŸ˜‚…never mind the botox jabs and all! Pre-2010, there used to some meat on her bones and her face boasted of an angelic quality that the hypodermic pricklies took away. Have a look at her ethereal beauty.

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4. Hrithik in Tu Meri

The Adonis of Hindi Cinema can’t be faulted for his look in his entire repertoire of films, but it took a Bang Bang! for him to get his look Bang-On in my sight! 😍😘

A huuuuuge fan of Simon Baker, I’ve likened Hrithik’s avatarΒ to the Mentalist himself ….if that ain’t a compliment, I don’t know what is! 😌

 

5. Preity Zinta in Dil Se…

Chubby cheeks, dimpled chin,

Rosy lips, Teeth Within,

Wavy hair, very fair

Eyes are true, lovely two

Preity Zinta is that you?

YES YES YES!!! 😁😁😁

Bollywood’s original dimpled-beauty has looked her best only at 2 times ..the first when she was a novice and the next when she was at the top of her game in Kal Ho Naa Ho and Salaam Namaste! Agree?

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6. SRK in Dear Zindagi

Like fine wine, the man’s gotten better with age😘…the histrionics, the stutter, and the sexy stubble too! 😜 KHAN the King get better than this?! 😝

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7. Aishwarya in Dil Dooba

Ash is a visual feast in every film she’s appeared. But that one look she totally rocked was that of a Latina with smouldering eyes, luscious curls and a scorching scarlet gown. Check it out

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Wat ERR girl!

It’s rather fortunate for my blog that our celebs spend enormous amounts of time banishing the spiders veins and crows feet off their faces instead of spending a dime on brushing the cobwebs off their sparingly-used brains πŸ˜‰

Alia finally has company guys! Woohoo! πŸ˜† Current World Tennis Doubles Awwal grandly displayed her lack of akkal! That too on a rather cerebral platform such as KBC Telugu! πŸ˜›

When asked what Sodium Chloride is commonly known as and given four choices, Sania professed that Physics was never her strong point! 😯 The whole studio, pointedly ignoring the cue cards, erupted into raucous laughter. πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Unfazed, she confidently placed her bets on…I shit you not!…water!!! 😯 😯 😯

Isne definitely desh ka namak nahi khaaya hai πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† Tata Salt, you listening? πŸ˜‰

Watch her go down in the annals of Chemistry here! πŸ˜‰

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PK chhe?

I stumbled across an absolute gem on the Saharasamay site and thought it’d be fun to pitch in my two cents πŸ˜‰ After all, I live for such articles! πŸ˜›

Our celebs must have been really high to have agreed to preen for such oopsie daisy Kodak moments! Check them out:

1. Slumdog MillionHAIR πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

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Our in-house Ani(l) the Pooh is a favorite with all the kids, me included! Unhi ke vajah se BAAL divas aarambh kiya gaya tha! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†
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2. COOLIENG No. 1!

Nothing to beat the summer heat than wrapping yourself in cellophane, eh? By far, the most sober piece of clothing in SHOWinda’s wardrobe! πŸ˜‰

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3. THE RAPIST

Sajid Khan got it bang on when he locked on TANjeet’s πŸ˜› profession as THE RAPIST in House Full 2 πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

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4. The original PK!

Time to rename Hirani CHORani!
πŸ˜‰

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5. Question: Main chhota sa, pyaara sa, nanha sa bachcha….complete the sentence.

Answer: paida kar sakta hoon! ROFL πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†
With a pose like that, koi SHAK(ti)? πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

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Image Credit: Saharasamay.com

6. Meet Aditya PANTSCHORI πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜›

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And trending at number 7,

This man surely felt like he was in heaven. WTF was KK thinking? And more importantly, WTF was AK doing? *speechless* 😯 😯 😯

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Decoding kDO

Karan Jo really should have been christened Karan DOhar! πŸ˜€ The nation’s favorite filmmaker seems to have quite a penchant for the numeral in question. Look at him below. ROFL πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

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His mantra is do se zyaada nahi! πŸ˜‰ Before you think he’s been roped in by the Family Planning Commission as their brand ambassador πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† ….sorry, joke of the century! πŸ˜† ROFL…allow me to elaborate.

Barring his happy and “gay” camaraderie with King Khan πŸ˜‰ and his fondness for erstwhile-friend-now-turned-foe, Kajol, no other artist has completed a hat trick in Dharma projects where Jo wielded the megaphone.

Rani Mukherji, some might say, successfully broke the jinx, as did Farida Jalal (remember the whacky grandma in KKHH who spouted hilarious lines like “Angrez chale gaye, Almeida chhod gaye”) πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

But since cameos and bit appearances in song and dance sequences can’t really qualify as well-fleshed out, significant roles, I’ll be discounting those.

Some like Preity, Hrithik, Abhishek, and Kareena might not have had the Midas himself shaping each of their films under the Dharma banner but at least they were more fortunate than say a John, Ajay, Salman or a Saif who were ousted after just one collaboration.

Then there’s also KJo’s erstwhile strict policy of not roping in his leading ladies’ boyfriends to contend with. Poor Shahid never got a chance to set foot in the hallowed halls of Dharma. Neither will Akshay Kumar. Because of his karma, no entry into Dharma! πŸ˜› πŸ˜€ πŸ˜† Uski itni jurrat that he marries the (only) woman KJo ever pined for! πŸ˜†

Over time, KJo has gotten less rigid and mellowed quite a bit. He no longer is a jumpy, superstitious ‘K’-loving freak. He now ropes in real-life couples (think HSKD) and exes too! (YJHD) He has thankfully moved away from the soppy ‘Family is the alpha and omega of life’ to some more interesting genres. Thrillers, Romedies etc. I like that he’s sourced a fresh pool of talent to make Dharma the wholesome banner that it is and it’s heartening to see him hand over the directorial baton to the future of filmmaking in this country.

There’s his not-so-good side but overshadowing it is the brilliant side he’s revealed to us lately. A true-blue Gemini, wotsay?!?

WHAM BAM!!!

I wonder if Hrithik and Kat walked straight from the shoots of Mountain Dew and Slice, respectively, onto the sets of Bang Bang. This film sure looks like the extended disco version of the two commercials in question! πŸ˜€

After being ousted from the Dhoom camp, the unemployed & twiddling his extra thumbs πŸ˜† Duggu must have jumped at the chance to essay the role of the devilishly-cute, outrageously-sexy, thief-cum-masterchef, Rajveer. A part he can sleepwalk through by now! πŸ˜‰

On this occasion, he grows sticky fingers and plants his half-a-dozen πŸ˜† on The Kohinoor no less! 😯 As nonchalantly as I would lift a pack of Kohinoor Basmati Chawal at D-Mart! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Anyway, thereafter follows complete global mayhem. (Incompetent) Intelligence Agencies, (Impotent) Police Personnel, slimy spies, cold-blooded criminals and I think I even caught a glimpse of the hot-blooded Barbara Mori πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜† hot on the heels of the perpetrator of this mind-boggling chori! πŸ˜€

It’s Around The World in 80 Minutes from then on. Destination Next is Shimla. We’re shown a Bank of Shimla which has suitably employed a ditzy Shimla Mirchi (only because Kat looks hot!) as their receptionist. The first serious bit of thinking on the scriptwriters’ part! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Miss Kaif, the untouched, virginal flower, we’re told, likes to play it safe. It would have been fitting to play ‘Zara Zara Touch Me Kiss Me’ in the background for us to sympathize with the desperation of this nun. πŸ˜‰

Dekha akhkha din mango ko chooosneka nateeja? πŸ˜› πŸ˜‰ Kabhi kabaar MAN ko bhi….ahem too explicit!!! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜› Kabhi kabaar MAN ke peeche bhi jaaya karo. Phir Aamsutra ke saath saath Kamasutra ka bhi endorsement milega! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜› πŸ˜€ πŸ˜†

She proceeds on a blind-date but when the (in retrospect, blind) man in question does a no-show, no prizes for guessing what ingenuity streaked through the writer’s mind. Krrish swoops in for a kiss! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

In the process of charming the pants off her, Harleen metamorphoses into a sex-starved protagonist from Harlequin! πŸ˜† She wonders aloud why Hrithik wants to lug a shiny piece of glass everywhere! 😯 That one peek into her dumb-blonde-kinda mind convinces Hrithik that his secret is safe! Unlike the others, this one is genuinely interested in the male, and not the maal! πŸ˜† She even berates him for picking this Kohinoor and would rather he picked the Kohinoor of the more useful variety found at the chemists! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜› πŸ˜†

From the Alps to Abu Dhabi, we get to witness a lot of betaabi. From Greece to Prague, in their pants is a raging aag! πŸ˜‰ Clearly, she was briefed that Hrithik’s job was to keep the golis flying and she, the cholis flying! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Quite the arduous journey watching the VIRGIN traversing the ATLANTIC, hoping for a satisfying BANGBANG and Krrish pulling off the most inane of stunts from every mode of transport ever invented that seriously makes us want to hail Aamir as the God of Action for his stellar performance in Dhoom 3! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜†

I walked into the theater thinking I’d see a desi Mentalist. Walked out feeling quite MENTALish. πŸ˜€ Steer clear!

BELOW: ‘Look Hrithik, this piece of glass is just as pretty as your Kohinoor and so much more useful! Huh! πŸ™„ ‘

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