MUCH DULL-YEH!

OMG, Nach Baliye 5 is the mother of all borefests! I never thought I’d be badmouthing a show that had me enthralled in its first two seasons (for purely the performances) and the third season which had some high-voltage performances of another kind, thanks to our feisty Miss BRAwant!

Seeing Karan WAHIyaat compere was enough to bring my blood to a boil! Who can forget the pathetic advances made on Isha during JDJ, only to grope some gori chamdi behind Isha’s back! 😯

As if that wasn’t enough, the producers had to pair this moron with another idiot on screen to ensure all was happy and GAY 😀

I know Mrs. Kundra has just given birth and all, but she would do well to cover up that baby fat COMPLETELY. Plunging necklines ain’t gonna excite anybody now except lil Viaan 😀

Sajid should stick to staying behind the cam. That’s where he weaves his magic best. On screen, he looked dour and ghoulish. I’ve been trying to place why he looks so familiar all of yesterday and today and Eureka! Exactly like that ball of dough sitting in my fridge, all pinched up and ashen :mrgreen:

Terence is like a mad hatter…not because he’s mad or anything!…It’s his mad choice of hats and caps 😆 DID Little Masters might be impressed by his eclectic collection of accessories, but there’s no denying he still looks MAD! 😉

Moving over to the couples, there was a portly, middle-aged gentleman Shilpa likened to Govinda, whom I shudder to watch again, considering how the cellulite was jiggling in every direction imaginable! 😯

Then, there’s Archana’s on-screen brother Vinod, who I never dreamt could get anybody better than Manju. But boy, did he shock me or what by flaunting the original ‘thong’ girl… oops ‘thorn’ girl alias ‘Kaanta Laga’ girl, Shefali on his arm! 😎

Then there’s the original ‘BALL’ywood jodi- Shoaib and Sania, who I fervently hope are more graceful than the balls they hurl 😆

A mentally-challenged couple aside, there’s tin-soldier Naitik and his navya naveli dulhan, for whom I have just 3 words, “GET A ROOM!” 😈

Like every dark cloud has a silver lining, Nach Baliye 5 has its own too, in the form of Dimpy and her ‘Pimpy’. The trademark braying laugh should see the show through! 🙄

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An Eye for an Eye just for Damin-I

She went to watch the Life of Pi
Little did she know that it’d cause her to die
For lurking in the shadows were wolves so sly
They beat the life out of her and made her cry
She must have questioned, ‘Why me God, why?’
She never did get a reply.

As a nation, all we are doing is sigh
Letting the tears on our cheeks dry
As we listen to those babus spinning a lie
While all the time we’d like to see the culprits’ asses fry
There’s always a first time, so we should give it a try
And this will be independent India’s first real high.

Da Biggest Bang

2012 has been a great year for Bollywood. And a queer one too! The final Yash Chopra-SRK- AR Rahman venture was touted to smash all BO records. Smash we did…our heads!!! The film tanked, taking a cue from Anushka’s TANK tops perhaps! 😀

Still limping its way into the coveted 100cr club (much like Tehmur) is Talaash.

Khiladi 786 has officially marked the demise of the Khiladi franchise (thank God for small blessings!)

The Tiger roared menacingly at Eid and now, he’s come back with a BANG at Christmas.

I found D1 to be insipid and D2 was just as unpalatable.

I never expect too much from SK flicks these days the way I never expected much from Govinda starrers in the last millennium. In a nation obsessed with SK, even if a home video of him farting is released on Youtube, it’s bound to garner 100 crore………clicks 😛

I knew Sonakshi’s Rajjo wouldn’t have progressed by even 0.0000000001%. I knew the shirt would eventually come off. I knew the baddies would be impotent hijdas in front of our gravity-defying desi Robinhood. I knew either the director’s wife or her sister or a hot chum would provide the required titillation in an item number.

I didn’t know I’d be glued to the screen when Fevicol Se came on 😉 (I just loved the ‘Oh No’ bit 😀 I have a gut feeling Sohail’s responsible for it 😛

I didn’t know Chulbul would mend fences with his father and brother. I didn’t know I’d walk out of the theatre with a newfound respect for that brother.

Just as an eagle swoops down for its kill, Arbaaz (true to his name) has killed his detractors with this sequel. While D2 is far from being brilliant, I’m thrilled he proved to Abhinav Kashyap in particular that nobody is indispensable. Many found the sequel an improvement over the original and that’s another feather in Arbaaz’s cap.

What pushed me to watch D2 in the theatres was to applaud the guts of this hitherto-eclipsed Khan, to celebrate his vindication, to congratulate him and his wife for supporting each other through the lean phase (lasting close to two decades!) and to thump him on the back for his resounding victory.

His movie sure has made the biggest bang this year, drowning out the hoopla surrounding doomsday and all!

BELOW: Arbaaz should have brought this out as the promotional poster for D2. It’s so much cooler!

Doomsday

Kill(sh)aadi

Himesh ‘Besharmmiya’ never ceases to amaze me. The guy does everything he’s not cut out to do. Worse still, like the proverbial Jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none, he adds new skills to his repertoire at an alarming speed, firmly convinced that quantity is better than quality.

This time, he juggles the following jobs in his most incompetent hands:

  1. Producing
  2. Scriptwriting
  3. Composing
  4. Acting (Starts out as a Wedding Planner and ends up caricaturing himself as a big fat baboon ooops…buffoon)

We’ve had very few ‘wedding planner’ flicks in B-Town, the most notable being Band Baaja Baraat and I quite liked the premise of that film. Khiladi 786 and the moronic, insufferable Besharmmiya have undone it all. No wonder they liken shaadi to barbaadi!

Moving over to Asin, it’s seriously A SIN to watch her movies in the theatre! A ‘ghaatier’ version of the shrew I’d seen in Housefull 2 earlier this year, which in comparison to this borefest deserves the Oscars!!! Otherwise, everything else was the SAME.

Asin’s older brother, Mithun 😯 yes, yes, you read right…NOT DAD, but older brother!….unlike her, progressed in life…he went from a daaku to an underworld don in eight months! 😆

As for Akki, all I can manage to say is Yucky! Everything from his garish kurtas to his inane dialogues, stupi(d)fying stunts to the absurd attachment for numerical names running in his family…Baap NUMBERi, toh beta dus NUMBERi, eh???

His father’s sattar, he’s bahattar, some other idiot is ikhattar and all the while, mujhe unpe phekna tha paththar 😆

Bare choris and threadbare stories (hotchpotch of Namastey London, Ready, Housefull 2, Rowdy Rathore) …….It really would be a gross waste of time and effort to spell out what bulls*#t was unraveling on the screen.

Anyway, by the end, my husband and I were in splits, concocting silly jokes of our own…that a more apt name for AK would be AK47, given his penchant for numbers. Also, something we shouldn’t have forgetten to carry along with us 😆

You get it, right?! Steer clear of this FAIL Khiladi!

BELOW: :I didn’t see this earlier :headbang: :headbang: :headbang:

Keep Distance, haan? You bet Akki!

akki

A pavitra rishta

So, I have a major problem when titles are inconsistent with the storyline. Like Talaash: The Answer Lies Within…within the Arabian sea, within Aamir’s head, (with) in his pants ;-), where???

Titles like ‘Bade Achche Lagte Hain’ work for me  cuz Ram Kapoor is, well, Bade! With a capital B!!! 😆

Another Balaji hit, Pavitra Rishta, totally justified its title. The protagonists went through all the eyeball grabbing tricks in the book….an innocent courtship, a high-voltage marriage, a celibate judaai, a happily-ever-after kinda remarriage with the protagonists remaining true to one another despite all the temptations life threw their way.

Moral of the Story: Charitra was Pavitra hence the title was PURRRFECT!

Welcome time leap and Ekta needs to don her thinking cap for a new name. Cuz there’s a character, Arjun, who is DK’s son and a complete D_ _K!

Our testosterone-laden champ courts one of the protagonist’s daughters- Ovi, then falls hard for an “adopted” daughter- Purvi (both girls being unaware upto a certain point of being sisters), then ‘reluctantly’ marries the first and ‘happily’ impregnates her but not before defiling the other and leaving her to fend for herself and a “BIG” stomach in an alien city!!!

All the sanskaars be damned, far too many rishtas here and none pavitra in the least!

I’m okay with these TRP-garnering gimmicks. But I get mighty pissed when scriptwriters credit us viewers with far less intelligence than they ought to. I mean, Purvi has been known to sigh and recoil, blushing furiously, when Arjun accidentally brushes her arm and stuff, and just when we were convinced that her ‘aai’s’ parvarish deserves an A+, the crafty thing leaves home on the pretext of giving her sister and brother-in-law/ex-lover space only to become an ‘aai’ in some other part of the country. Aai La!!! 😯

Image Courtesy: www.desitvforum.net

t7gXY

Yo! Bhaag Milkha Bhaag..Aur Tezz Bhaag!!!

So, there was this intriguing full page ad of the Flying Sikh in today’s BT. A barely recognizable Farhan Akhtar looks pretty impressive in his get-up as India’s sprinting legend in Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra’s next.

When you have a title like Bhaag Milkha Bhaag, it follows that speed and time are of the essence. But when you have a release date set as…I kid you not!…July 12, 2013!!!  It’s like the mother of all ironies!!! 😆

July 2012 seems like a gazillion years away! Public memory being short, I doubt anybody would remember today’s poster 7 months hence (assuming there’s no further money pumped into periodic publicity). Such wasteful spending!

It’s a long wait…I just wish our ‘filmy’ Milkha would run faster into the theaters! 😀

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