Race 2 the Exit!

Poor Shakespeare got it all wrong when he trivialized the importance of a name.  After watching Race 2, I’m convinced a lot rides on it and if only Abbas-Mustan had to add two extra words, ‘THE EXIT’, to the title of their film, the world would have been a much sweeter place!

So, here’s another scathing review, something I seem to be getting good at with each passing Friday 😉

  1. Ab Bas!: This whitewashed director-duo 😆 who have a penchant for the greys clearly lost the plot after the last sensible movie they made 21 years ago! Abbas grabbed virtually every mm of space available in my bible (the BT) making pompous claims of Race 2 being THE film to rock 2013. Apophis couldn’t do it, Race 2 kya khaak karega? 😆
  2. Lace 2: Skin and Sex are the new substitutes for Substance in Bollywood. Plenty of cleavage and derriere, in ZOOM MODE, to keep things RACEy 😛
  3. Cherry on the Icing: That Ameesha, an Economics gold medalist 😯 has a cherry-seed-sized brain is something that I always suspected. But after reading her interview that it was tough to essay the part of the ditzy assistant, Cherry, begging for the clever robber Robert 😆 to rob her of her virginity and pop her cherry 😆 I think I’ll die laughing before I can complete this sentence…..hahahahhahahahahahhaha…Classic piece of casting! Couch and all! 😉
  4. Laath nahi lagi?: Ummm…anyway…(regaining composure)…Moving over to the other Lolita- tacky Jackie 😛 “Lat Lag Gayi” was to be her “Kiss Me, Touch Me”. Achcha hua laath nahi lagi for proving to us that you have two left feet 🙄
  5. Shake Your Bon Bon, Jon: After prancing about on Miami’s sun-kissed beach in a pair of barely-there yellow chaddies, how could a sedate cagefight be orgasmic? Jonny boy, what were you thinking when you said this is your ‘item number’ for your female fans?!?
  6. Moving over to another John. John McClane: I loooooooove John McClane! Like wine, he gets better with age 😉 There was this one scene of him killing a copter with a maamuli-sa sedan in DH4. Back then, I thought it was one of the most contrived pieces of shit I’ve ever seen. Boy, was I wrong! The car in Race 2 kills a burning airplane and even sprouts a few parachutes out its sides to scare us with the prospect of another lame sequel 😮
  7. East or West, India is the best?: If you’ve never visited Turkey, don’t bother! You can see it in its full glory for less than 500 bucks in Race 2 😀 What’s ironic is that while our B-town directors are busy scouring every nook and corner on this planet to showcase a new destination in their next, Hollywood filmmakers are looking Eastwards for inspiration. Danny Boyle struck gold in the filthy bylanes of Dharavi. Apna Dharavi! Par ghar ki murghi daal baraabar, nahi?

Anil Kapoor (not sex-starved anymore, thank goodness! Hollywood needs to be credited in this regard :twisted:) said in a recent interview that Race 2 was pure, unadulterated fun. Sure! At our expense! No wonder they’re on such a high!

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Steer clear of this one if you don’t want to be left feeling gobsmacked on such a joyous weekend.

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Why am I feeling so damned nostalgic today?

myitsybitsybobs

They were the brightest stars in the Indipop galaxy and were poised to become the biggest and the best by the advent of the new millennium. I’m talking about the Colonial Cousins that comprised of the pony-tailed mellifluous crooner, Hariharan and the braided master composer, Lezz.

I still vividly remember the summer of ’96 when this gifted duo got me seriously hooked on to Channel [V] and MTV during my most crucial year of schooling. I’d leave whatever I was doing and come charging into the living room each time I’d hear the seductive strains of Leslie’s handiwork heralding ‘Sa Ni Dha Pa’ on the tube. Oh, this one was a treat for the ears with its signature fusion of Indo-Western elements! Check it out for yourselves to know what I’m gushing about.

Then came ‘Krishna’, another winner from this talented band. A song clearly ahead of its time, I…

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This post is my FAVE!

myitsybitsybobs

Entering teenagehood is a bitter-sweet experience for most. Your first love, your first kiss…the list of firsts is endless! For me, it was the most magical phase when life suddenly acquired a Mills & Boons hue to it thanks to the mushy fodder I subsisted on.

As I revisit my priceless past, here’ s a sneak peek into what made me the hopeless romantic that I am:

  •  Dhoom Pichuck Dhoom- Euphoria

An earthy song with a lovely rustic feel to it, I was willing to be Palash’s slave post this one! After a rather unfortunate slip of the tongue in History class where I answered  ‘Van Sen’ instead of ‘Tansen’, the whole college married me off to him 🙂 The Gods might have not given me Palash but they gave me the next best thing- my husband- who’s a pretty decent lookalike 🙂 Sadly, that’s where the similarity ends…Anyway, listen…

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Kalam Ko No Mera Salaam

A decade ago, B-Town churned out its first full-blown (and shamelessly-copied) sexual harassment drama, Aitraaz. I had just landed a plum job (well, at least it seemed like that, then, to a fresher like me) in a leading ad agency and I vividly remember how my ‘seniors’ gave the bigg boss some golis about going out for market research and whisked gullible moi to the black marketeers instead, making me pay through my nose and every other orifice there is for 6 first-day-first-show balcony tickets  😯

And one of my dearest bhidus, Bhaskar (who preferred being called Bastard because it sounded cooler!!!), even yanked out a pair of blue shades, excited at the prospect of watching a blue film 😆 or something close to it 🙄

Cut to ten years later. There was a reunion of sorts last Saturday and we all decided to catch…you guessed it!!! Inkaar…a movie on the ad fraternity, a world my bumchums STILL belong to…some of them occupying the same positions too!!! Talk about being unamBITCHYious 😛

While I was plain disgusted with the way B-Town’s Abdul Kalam, Mr. Sudhir Mishra, 😆 was loosening his grip on a taut and gripping first half post intermission, my companions were babbling excitedly, thrilled to see glimpses of themselves in Chitrangada and Arjun 😯 Maybe it’s time to make new friends 😛

With the film going all over the place and the climax being the proverbial anti-climax, I really didn’t care if Arjun was a B or Chitrangada, a bigger B. I just wanted to B from the theatre….bhaag 😆

Of late, I’ve noticed quite a few capable and accomplished directors succumb to this silly syndrome of building a great plot, even greater excitement and just when we begin to laud them mentally, they make a daud for dear life 😆 knowing we’ll bash them black and blue and every other color there is for swinging that dud of an ending in our unsuspecting faces! You can be sure Reema Kagti won’t be making another movie for a long time and pretty soon we’ll be on a talaash for her 😀

As far as performances went, I could essay the part of Maya with greater finesse…provided I looked like her! Chitrangada’s unparalleled beauty reminded me of something a heartbroken Ross whines to Rachel when Charlie the Kaali 😆 breaks up with him. “There was one! She’s it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge!” The last time an actress made me feel like going under the knife was Kat Kaif in Namastey London.

Anyway, Arjun looks better than he can act and the buzz is they are considering his performance for the National Award 😯 Right through the movie, I kept wondering if he and Miss Singh were to have kids, how gorgeous they’d be! That says a lot about pitching in a riveting performance, right?  🙄

Maybe if Kalam gives his movie’s patrons a dabba of malam, I might be a little more forgiving…

My Love Affair With A Nut

Well, well, I’m not hinting at DH here 😛

I’m talking about my love for all things nutty 😉

The subject of Multiple Personality Disorder has always fascinated me. And if nuts were to be afflicted by the syndrome, the cocoNUT is a certified MPD case. So many avatars, so many uses, so many benefits!

Since childhood, I’ve been exposed to the mentality that ‘agar mehenga hai, to achcha hoga aur sasta hai, toh kachra hoga!’ 😀

Then, there’s the saying, “All good things come in small packages.” Little wonder then that cashewnuts, walnuts and every other microscopic nut that there is commands earth-shattering prices.

Coconut, on the other hand, being modestly priced and larger in size, has sadly missed all the adulation and fanfare. This, despite quenching our thirst on sultry days, transporting us to heaven by gracing our dishes, protecting our tresses from the elements, giving us that luminous glow before a big occasion. Ghar ki murgi daal baraabar, nahi?

So, my baby was born recently, and here I was, shopping for the best oils there are- Olive, Almond, even an oil infused with real gold particles 😯 After all, nothing but the best for my charming little prince!

The fancy elixirs and attractive vials didn’t prepare me for the horrors in store! Olive oil made my son as tanned as the Spaniards 😆 almond stripped his skin of essential moisture making him a living loofah 😥 and the gold made me develop cold feet 😦

A trip to the pediatrician beckoned. I came out of his clinic armed with a sample pack of a very ordinary plastic bottle of Parachute Naariyal Tel, in a packaging that hadn’t been revamped since perhaps I was my son’s age! His confident advice kept ringing in my ears. ‘Just apply this and then SEEEE!

I was skeptical but I wanted to SEEEEE. And I saw! That after scouring the whole world for exotic oils, the humble coconut oil standing long forgotten on a shelf in my very own kitchen would infuse healthy color and vitality into my son’s atopic skin.

The recent cold wave made my skin drier than the Thar 😮 It spurred me to splash this magical potion on my dehydrated skin before a warm shower and another stellar product, Parachute Advansed Body Milk, after. The results were stunning! So much so that my husband has begun looking like the odd man out 😆

Smooth, flawless skin! Nourished and luminous! For the uninitiated, Parachute Advansed is a rich coconut milk- based body emollient. Laden with proteins and essential AHAs, these are the building blocks of healthy skin. Cleopatra bathed in milk. I’m no less! I douse coconut milk on myself without breaking a sweat 😉

In a nutshell, this wonder of nature truly makes your skin glow and heart soar, much like a parachute 😀

I can only reiterate what Vidya Balan says, “Har achchi cheez mehengi nahi hoti!”

GENRE-ally Speaking…

There’s a reason why directors should stick to their genres. Ashutosh Gowariker should continue making period dramas, KJo family and teensy-boppy sagas, David Dhawan “senseless comedies” and Raju Hirani “sensible, thought provoking and soul-stirring cinema”. It’s when they stray out of their comfort zone that all hell breaks loose. Like an insufferable music director, who recently went on to direct, act, co-produce and bray in the biggest disaster of 2012! 😮

There’s another Jack-of-all-trades who wasn’t so bad at everything that he set out to do. Till lately, I had great respect for Mr. Bhardwaj. After all, he was the man who simplified some “heavy duty” Shakespearean bouncers for no-brainers like me! 😉

But, now, with MKBKM, the man has undone it all! Many I know came out of the theatre liking the rustic ‘political?’ satire. IMHO, Matru’s biggest Shatru was his highly polished’ Bombay Scottish’ zubaan that blew all earnest attempts at delivering an authentic Haryaanvi accent to smithereens.

Bijlee ( a reincarnation of Bulbul/ Shruti/ Ishika/Akira) struck me as highly unambitious. Always the one to fiercely cling to her comfort zone- a perpetual loudmouth spewing smart-ass comments, overtly (and shamelessly) sexual to the point of being a major tease, blatant dad(i)giri….this reads like an excerpt from Anushka Sharma’s resume! 😆

Kaise dekhe tujhe pyaar se baar baar usi same si boring avatar mein? Ab Tak Hai YAWN! 😆

MANDOLE Mera Tan dole – Harry Mandola’s intoxicating performance seriously has that effect on you! :mrgreen: I’m convinced now that he truly is Shahid Kapur’s dad- both supremely talented yet both f*@&ed by the fickle finger of fate, with success always at an arm’s length!

I don’t know what it is with stringing a bunch of names together to christen your film. But since VB resorted to this inane antic, adding one more name to an already loooooooooooooooooooooooooooong title wouldn’t have hurt. This is where I have a bone to pick with Sir Bhardwaj. For me, the true star in the film was undoubtedly Gulabi! I was tickled pink every time the bhains made an appearance, grinning oh-so-cutely! 😀

Gulabi muskaan jo teri dekhi, deewana yeh dil ho gaya! 😛

MATRU KI BIJLEE KA MANDOLA KI GULABI

Oh wait! It’s still a load of gibberish 🙄

SICK(er)S

I looooooove Snickers. Until I saw the latest ad for it on TV!

Having worked briefly in advertising, I’m stumped as to how such a pointless creative got approved.

I’m even more perplexed that Imtiaz Ali, still basking in the success of Rockstar, agreed to lend ‘direction’ to this absurd commercial.

And the mother of all shockers is that the legendary Rekha and yesteryears’ kickass queen, Urmila MAARTODKAR agreed to be a part of this silly campaign. Old unemployed hags, yes. But still!

Pitched at the youth, I’ll be surprised if anybody from the demographic group even knows their names 😆

The funda apparently is that ‘you are not you when you’re hungry’. So you might turn ‘Divalike’ or into a ‘Drama Queen’. Going by the brief, so many more relevant B-Town names could have done justice to the ad, na?

I know Snickers looks all wrinkly and stuff. Never thought they’d shove that in our face with such clever euphemisms. Sick!

snickers-bar