BARshitty

The Nightingale of India is totally PISSED! She’s downed one too many of them Kingfishers!!! ๐Ÿ˜€ What else would you expect when sheโ€™s a permanent fixture on the walls of some shady Goan bar?!? ๐Ÿ˜†

Welcome to director Mohit Suriโ€™s tipsy universe! One where legends like Mangesh-KAR must adorn a BAR ๐Ÿ˜ฏ and Sunny Leone probably is spouting bhajans at Bhagwaan ke DWAAR! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

As you can gauge, the BAR and DAAR(u) are pivotal to the story of A2. Our hero bottles his myriad emotions ๐Ÿ˜ฆ After emptying them bottles, of course! ๐Ÿ˜› Alcoholics Anonymousโ€™ worst nightmare come true, hereโ€™s how:

1. When heโ€™s merry, he reaches out for that glass (or two) of Sherry.
2. When heโ€™s angry, he reaches out for that bottle (or two) of Sangri(a).
3. When in pain, bring out the champagne!
4. The non-controversial wine takes centre-stage when all is fine.
5. Feni has been reserved for times when things get a little whiny.
6. The Breezer thaws him when he turns all sarci and frosty like a Freezer.
7. When heโ€™s all lively and frisky, he must go and spoil it all by unleashing that potent whisky.

Truly the King…er…SING(er) of GOOD TIMES! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Rahul, the quintessential owl, parades like a ghoul, ๐Ÿ˜€ and on one such nocturnal outing, discovers his protรฉgรฉe, belting his hits one after another, so so so mellifluously, she makes him sound like Altaf Raja! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

He takes her under his wing and the lovebirds happily sing.

One moment heโ€™s on top and sheโ€™s down (dirty minds, Gulshan Grover ishtyle!) ๐Ÿ˜›

In the next, sheโ€™s the talk of the town and heโ€™s the clown!

Mr. Suri reportedly is a big fan of Titanic and says heโ€™s made a poignant love story ๐Ÿ™„ with Rahul as the Desi Jack and Shraddha as the Bharatiya Rose ๐Ÿ˜€

Well, Rahul ended up more like JACK DANIELS while Shraddha seemed best suited to endorse Yardley ROSE!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

I was reminiscing about A2โ€™s predecessor. Hereโ€™s how they look when pitted against each other:

aas

So this is Aashiqui 2 for you. How love surpasses everything- bloated egos, bloated livers ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† and must ultimately triumph. YAWN! Watch it only for the beudah who pitches in a sincere effort ๐Ÿ˜€ Cheers to that! ๐Ÿ˜‰

BELOW: Dude, where’s the Chlormint? ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

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It’s all about the money, Voni!!!

WordPress threw up an interesting question this morning. ‘What would you like to leave behind for your kids?’

I asked my Little Liu what he’d like me to leave him. Pat came the reply, “Mama, your Tommy Eggu and Biru.” ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

For those who had trouble decoding that, Tommy Eggu is the Tomato Egg I make him for breakfast like TWICE a day ๐Ÿ˜† and Biru wasn’t a typo for Beer! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ It’s the Chicken Biryani recipe I’ve patented ๐Ÿ˜†

I asked my younger rowdy what he’d like. The more materialistic of the two unsurprisingly jabbed at the PSP!!!

Gold and jewels aren’t really my thing but I’m hoping the dowry system is prevalent 20 years hence and I stand to inherit a hefty amount of bling ๐Ÿ˜›

Jokes apart, there’s nothing much I can leave behind to my kids ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Except this priceless (and rather worthless!) blog, of course! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Pictures of France in a travelogue had my Liu in a trance ๐Ÿ˜€ He thinks the Eiffel is one huge, fun slide down which he simply MUST glide ๐Ÿ˜†
He had better make his peace with the fact that all future holidays are destined to be mundane trips to either parent’s native place and back. Where else could you score free accommodation and food deals? ๐Ÿ˜€

What I do owe my boys is 0 lies ๐Ÿ˜€ Iske pehle ki woh mujhpe RTI tok de demanding to know why their Catholic parents put even them Maarwadis to shame ๐Ÿ˜† Here it is then:

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Last that I heard, Uma Thurman had KILL(ed) BIL(l). How about giving us a sequel, Mr. Tarantino? One where she KILL(s) SIL!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Shear DAAYAN-amite!

As I sat watching Ek Thi Daayan, I couldn’t help wondering what her journey from DOYEN to DAAYAN would be like. Transitioning from the measly 21cm to the massive 70mm, Ektaโ€™s would have been the most convincing of debuts in the history of B-Town. She does look like a witch and acts like a complete bitch, after all! ๐Ÿ˜›

See, I told ya! ๐Ÿ˜†

ekta

Anyway, getting back to the movie.

Who names their kid Bobo? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ
That name was a BAFFLER alright! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

So baby Bobo from SoBo ๐Ÿ™„ is like the biggest dodo Iโ€™ve seen ๐Ÿ˜† His fears include:

โ€ข JAAL (the claustrophobic elevator that he believes descends beyond the ground floor into hell) ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

โ€ข BAAL (the Garnier long and strong choti of his wicked stepmom ๐Ÿ˜† For the benefit of us dim-witted audience, she has also conveniently been named DAAYAN-AA/ Diana) ๐Ÿ™„

โ€ข And PAAL (the slimy gecko this psycho thinks she metamorphoses into) ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

The fixation with the AALs continues into adulthood. Big Babol…oops…Bobo ๐Ÿ˜† fasaaos a MAAL in his pyaar ka JAAL ๐Ÿ˜‰ and the frisky couple also decide to cement their relationship by adopting a BAAL..this time it’s not the hair… :lol:….it’s a cutesy little baby bear!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Enter the tongue twister Kalki Koechlin ๐Ÿ˜† and all hell breaks loose. AAL izzzzz clearly not well! As sudden as lightning came the hallucinations, that made me go Hallelujah!!! The baffler had me so baffled by his weirdness that I had to tuck my lustrous long ponytail into my T-shirt for fear of having it chopped off! I mean, Mr. Amaron Kissme literally transformed into the Amaron Bunny, ๐Ÿ˜† chasing every woman he saw with a long choti with an even longer pair of kainchis ๐Ÿ˜† Tel endorsement deals gaye tel lene! ๐Ÿ˜€

The climax, as with all recent B-wood offerings, was the proverbial anticlimax. I wonโ€™t tell you who fuelled/ incensed whom and who duelled whom but if youโ€™ve ever seen a Ramsay climax, youโ€™ll find yourself appreciating it for its superb finesse ๐Ÿ˜†

Thereโ€™s always the good, the bad and the ugly in every film. Let’s dissect them slowly, one by one (in the perverse way that a Daayan relishes dissecting her victims :wink:)

The Good:

โ€ข About ten years ago, RGVโ€™s Bhoot had me jumping up every time my doorbell rang ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Thatโ€™s the power of a brilliantly-visualized and executed set. ETDโ€™s art direction is so damn eerie, the slithery lizards so frikkinโ€™ creepy, the claustrophobic elevator and spooky corridors so terrifyingly creaky and Konkonaโ€™s reptilian smile so bloody freaky, I swear Iโ€™m not trying to take your mickey! ๐Ÿ˜€

The Bad:

โ€ข The name Bobo suits a retarded baboon better ๐Ÿ˜† And every scare doesnโ€™t have to be a nightmare/ hallucination ๐Ÿ™„ We prefer the regular real-time scares, thank you!

The Ugly:

Once a hardcore critic of the Ramsay brothers and their brand of cinema, theyโ€™ve earned a diehard fan post this one ๐Ÿ˜†

In a nutshell, ETD isnโ€™t exactly path-breaking cinema but Iโ€™m glad it doesnโ€™t pander to the Hollywood scarefest syndrome either. Iโ€™m talking to you Saif!

Chudails and Daayans are a relatively virgin premise in B-town and kudos to the team of ETD for having the guts to make such a big-budget film on the subject. But a whole is always a sum of its parts. While there are an ample number of spectacular parts in the film, particularly in the first half, the second half has been designed to make you laugh ๐Ÿ˜† Hara-kiri or should I say HAIRY-kiri ๐Ÿ˜† in the case of a psycho-horror film!

Still worth a watch. Who knows? You may actually end up including it in your disc collection!

BELOW: Interesting trampoline this! ๐Ÿ˜†

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the great IN(dian) LAW(ter) challenge!

So, my dearest friend came over late last night to stuff her face with my birthday cake ๐Ÿ˜€ and her never-ending dukhdas kept me wide awake ๐Ÿ˜‰

The WOEman’s just returned from a place worse than hell! Yup, you guessed it- Her sasuraal! ๐Ÿ˜†

To quote her, “It was easier enduring a 72-hour long labor than enduring 72 hours with the dreaded mo(ns)ther-in-law.” ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

The normally scaredy-cat, egged on by me :razz:, transformed from kaayar to shaayar and her wit I could only admire ๐Ÿ˜€

A taste of some of her wisecracks:

” All prospective grooms should come with a placard around their necks. ‘Ek mard pe anek dard, MUFT, MUFT, MUFT!!!'” ๐Ÿ˜†

She happened to be at her creative best for there’s a crackling poem too:

2013-04-08 23_05_32-Henpecked sasur - Microsoft Word

ISE KEHTE HAIN SA(b)SU(va)RHELL!!” she finished. ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

When the convulsive laughter died down, I realized that I too might have to tread on volatile landmines soon. As I pack my bags with trepidation :sad:, I can’t help but think a scathing backlash is on the cards. On my blog, of course!!!

We got to analyzing and citing examples and soon discovered that while there are a few that are blessed with IN-LUVS, a sizeable number of us dulhans have to make our peace with being labelled ‘DAUGHTERS-WITH-FLAWS’ ๐Ÿ˜€

The creative juices refused to ebb, so here’s another 100% original home-production ๐Ÿ˜†

Farah

Alvida folks. Will catch you on the other side of my ‘trip’- PUN INTENDED! ๐Ÿ˜†

David’s THE 1

My son has been chanting, “Can’t change the girl? CHANGE the girl!!!” ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

I don’t know if this is a prelude of things to come ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Anyway, I went to watch Chashme Baddoor this afternoon hoping to see what he saw in the trailers that made him ROFL.

I loooove all the types of comedies there are. Sensible a la 3 Idiots, the downright insane viz. Golmaal (2006) and No Entry, the certified no-brainers like Coolie No. 1 and Apna Sapna Money Money ๐Ÿ˜† and even the raunchy ones ๐Ÿ˜‰ Kya Kool Hai Hum and Bose DK!!! ๐Ÿ˜› )…Lolllllz ๐Ÿ˜† CB being the latest entrant!

It’s a good thing the Baadshah of Comedy forewarned us by choosing to christen his take on the cult classic with an ‘A’ instead of ‘U’! ๐Ÿ˜‰

He may or may not have succeeded in putting an end to speculations that he was recreating the magic of the 80s but the unintentional? slight has certainly doled out sufficient warning that Chashme Baddoor is gonna be full of double entendres, lame puns, dollops of slapstick humor, lewdness and sleaziness galore to whet the crass? appetite of the stallwallahs (me included) ๐Ÿ˜†

The premise might be the same as Sai Paranjpye’s labor of love but that’s where the similarity ends. If you’re expecting the new to up the ante or even to knock the (g)old off its pedestal, you’re gonna be sorely disappointed. IMHO, Chashme Baddoor could actually pass off as Golmaal’s poor cousin. Taking a cue from the inane rhymes peppering almost every frame, here’s the story of CB in a nutshell.

Teen lukkhe they Goa mein, completely kadka
Even dal they couldn’t afford with tadka ๐Ÿ˜€
Har koi karta hai unko tok
As they were completely broke.

Two of them horny,
The third a nerd and extremely corny.
Enter ladki aur ladke hote hain behaal
Pehle do rascals try to fasao her in their pyaar ka jaal

Ladki select karti hai bechaare ko
Uske kameene dost go “OH!!!!” ๐Ÿ˜ฏ
Aeda banaake peda khaanewaale ki khabar lena hai,
Duniyabhar ki takleefein lovebirds ko dena hai.

Hum single, toh how dare he mingle!?!
Badalna hi padega ab Airtel ka jingle
๐Ÿ˜†

Coming over to the performances, Ali Zafar is really making us ZUFFER (Mallu ishtyle) ๐Ÿ˜† with his repetitive/deadpan acting. He ain’t no Shahrukh…oops…Farooq!!! ๐Ÿ˜›

Siddharth, as the Bollywood aspirant, will make you reach out for your aspirin with his garish Chi Chi/ chee chee ๐Ÿ˜† ensembles. His performance, as the roving eye and kameena spy, is equally loud albeit one that will make you Laugh Out Loud!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Divyendu, the shaayar, might be a kaayar, a liar, even the proverbial extra third tire ๐Ÿ˜† but as a performer he’s nothing less than a live-wire!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Taapsee is as gritty as laapsi ๐Ÿ˜† who should plan her Vaapsi back to the Southern industry! Nothing like the fine, demure Deepti Naval we’ve come to love ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Anupam Kher roars with a sher-like performance.

Titillate Boobi…oopsie daisy!!!…Lillette Dubey!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† knows how to cup Kapoor’s balls :lol:…. figuratively, of course!!! ๐Ÿ˜› Their chemistry is sparkling…Chamko sach mein kaam karta hai!!! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰

BELOW: Yanna Rascalas? You bet!!!

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