aYAWN DUKHDARDji- Only a one-film wonder?

Itna gussa kyun aa raha hai
Tune scenes lift karke film mein milaya
Dugna gussa kyun chaa raha hai
Pehle se humne yeh sab kuch hai dekha

I shit you not! There’s so much Cut-Copy-Paste happening in Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, it’s not even funny! 😀

Firstly, there’s the name ‘Naina’ lifted straight off from KHNH. As if gouging out the ‘nainas’ wasn’t enough, Ayan had to go rob even her dark-rimmed spectacles!!! 🙄

There’s also that classic DDLJ scene that had us all dying to kick Kajol’s rotund butt :lol:, only to make her run faster and hop aboard that life-changing train to Zurich. Looking at Miss Padukone’s looooooong strides, my giggly gal pals wondered aloud if our desi train that was budging along grudgingly had to do the catching up! 😆 😆 😆

If Aashiqui 2 symbolized Good Friday to Aditya Roy Kapoor’s fans, YJHD represents Easter! The beudah has risen back to life and how! Silly banter caused us to erupt into further noisy giggles. We agreed that he’d signed on YJHD purely because his co-star is named RUM BEER!!!! 😆 😆 😆

As if to placate all the feathers he might have ruffled, Ayaan resorts to blatant plagiarism from his own accomplished directorial debut, Wake Up Sid! 😯 sAYAANa, that’s what the lad is! 😉

I thought these lines from one of his songs fitting for the master plagiarist 😀

Aaj abhi maine tera boycott kar diya
Teri saari harqatein main toh note karu
Tujhe thaane mein le jaake main report karu
😆

He should have actually considered christening his second labour of love, ‘Wake Up Kids!’ His 21-year old kids are surprisingly quite slow on the uptake. For example, Dips, an aspiring doctor, is prejudiced enough to believe that babies can be born to one only after marriage! 😯 There goes KJo’s dream of fathering a biological child as a single parent!!! 😆 😆 😆

The scene expectedly elicited the wrath of a very liberal-minded friend, who was aghast at such regressive dialogues.”‘Made for the Youth by the Youth’ MY FOOT!” she grumbled. “More like, ‘Made for the Youth by a Ch*#t!’” she thundered. 😆 😆 😆

Moving over to the performances. Boasting of a stellar star cast, YJHD cannot be faulted in this particular department.

I’ve already touched upon Aditya Roy Kapoor’s DAARU…Oooops…SAARU act! 😀
From alleged Daayan to purported Lesbian, Kalki can rock it all! 😛

That there can never be smoke without fire is amply proven by the smoldering chemistry between the leads. These two aren’t done with each other, professionally and personally! All I could think of whenever they came on screen was, ‘Dude, go get a room!’ 😉

Here’s my proof 😉

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But good acting + a mediocre story = a forgettable film. I was sorely disappointed that YJHD turned out to be nothing more than a glossy and glorified version of WUS! Only with a generous tadka of romance, bromance and dance! I expected so so so so so much more from Ayaan. Instead, all I could manage was A(big)YAWN! 😆

Here’s a link to the press conference. It’s so much more entertaining!

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What goes around comes around!

Having nothing to do on yesterday’s rather lazy afternoon, I began mulling how terribly exciting it’d be to watch KBC bring colour to the lacklustre lives of my cash-starved detractors. What if they were just 1 question away from clinching 5 crows!!! 😆

Still imagining how they’d respond to that nail-biting last question if it went like this:

Q. What best describes ‘Vanessa’?

A. Uncouth
B. Lacking Scruples
C. Ill-bred and extremely un-ladylike
D. All of the above

If they chose D, I’d tip my hat and bow to them! Astute observation, that! I couldn’t agree with you guys more! 😀

But had Mr. Bachchan posed the same question to them five years ago, they’d be at sea! They probably would have forced Computerji to throw up a whole new set of options 😀
For you see, not so long ago, I used to be:

A. Fiercely loyal
B. Supportive like a rock
C. Model wife material
D. All of the above

Discerning as they are, I wonder what ulterior motive they could have had for viewing me in such a favourable light back then and trying every trick in the book to placate me 😯 Hmmm, curious!

Anyway, cut to the present and my e-tirades seem to have ruffled quite a few feathers. So much so that there has been a fair amount of arm-twisting (albeit extremely subtly) that I stop washing my dirty linen in public. Translated in e-lingo, it means stop venting on MY OWN PERSONAL BLOG! 😯

Is that really the solution to the problems you yourselves have created? 🙄

Have you stepped back and thought for a moment, my dear, dear detractors, that what you’re attempting to do is stifle the symptoms without curing the root cause? You might succeed in erasing the shameful and unfortunately, very truthful, ‘expose’ from my blog, but will you be able to wipe clean the rancour from my mind??? Therein lies your real challenge and the possibility of the sweetest victory.

I acknowledge I’m a lesser being than you are, what with you being the epitome of virtuousness, goodness, graciousness, kindness and every sweet adjective there is in the book. No, really! I mean it!!!

Since I am sorely lacking in these departments, perhaps you could have set a brilliant example and displayed ‘your excellent pedigree’, ‘your virtuous upbringing’, ‘your scrupulous demeanour’ et al. Things would never have gotten so bad in the first place!

Imitation is the best form of flattery, they say. My only crime is that I took a cue from you. I was just trying to flatter you by imitating you. I needed to fill in your very big shoes and I’ve done everything to be as much like you. Yet you’re not happy, eh? You don’t like the derogatoriness of it all, ya?

Why then did you presume you could throw EXACTLY THAT- all the derogatoriness – in my face? What made you so damn sure I’d lap it all in subdued silence? ME?!? 😯 The vilest of all creatures you’ve known so far! 😛 ME?!? 😀

Every action evokes an equally powerful reaction. Mine’s just a reaction to the sordidness that you’ve dished out to me. And be glad I haven’t done it to your face! It’s on MY blog, a place I haven’t invited you to be at in the first place, a place you voluntarily arrive at, despite being dead sure that there cannot be anything complimentary written about yourselves…. after all your appalling deeds….Weird, how some people will go to any length to crucify themselves! 🙄

Before doling out free and friendly advice on how I should clean up my act, why not do something path-breaking and mend your own ways? Ummm, you could possibly offer a heartfelt apology or show genuine contriteness for starters. Like I’ve said earlier, I’m a master imitator! The day you succeed in earning my respect, I will do your bidding. The world will know no more….

I’ll end in my usual, characteristic style…’Agar nanga nahi honeka, toh panga nahi leneka!’ 😆

BELOW: Pearls of Wisdom, so uncharacteristic of me 😉

life is an echo, what goes around comes around

Ghaatis @ da Party!

Awww! Baby Viaan is One!

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Mr. Kundra and Mrs. Sundara 😆 must be planning the most exquisite party ever for their lucky mascot and if the ‘royals’ will deign to shop for their party supplies at Mumbai’s bustling Crawford market, they’ll know instantly whom not to invite.

You see, the latest party popper selling like hotcakes is quite a unique one! Gone are the days of showering rose petals or raining down dollar bills. The latest one has a zillion pieces of tinsel, all featuring a very angry SRK, waiting to explode down on your festivities!!! 😯

And why not? T’is about time there came about something to pay tribute to SRK who’s duly earned the title of being THE ULTIMATE GHAATI PARTY POPPER!!! 😆 😆 😆

Circa 2008– SRK and Sallu prove men can be cattier than Kat herself at her birthday bash.

Circa 2012– RA.One turns into Raavan and bashes Kunder the Bandar Sunju Baba ke ghar ke andar!

Circa 2013: Wankhede springs a rather stern ‘Thaamb Tikde’ (outside the gates) warning on SRK. 😆

Truly the ‘BAD’ shah of Bollywood, this one is! 😛

It’s my fervent MANNAT that Shilpa strikes this one name off her guest list lest she suffers the same regret that I as a mother harbour.

A first birthday is an important milestone, to be remembered for all the right reasons. But there are a few assholes stinking up the universe who deserve tight chamaats across their (butt)cheeks for taking everything and making it about themselves.

My Liu was one of the unfortunate few to suffer some rather rude guests at his first. Ghaatis from Europe’s Kamaathi(pura)! 😆

Watching the video of his first birthday party recently, he had a WTF expression on his face when he saw these ‘live’ party poppers popping the fun outta his big day. As a mother, I was pained to hear him ask me if his birthday transformed into a ‘Hurtday’ for me. I’d dived headlong into planning the most memorable party for him and a few highly inconsiderate wet blankets had to come along to put a dampener on things. Unforgettable it became, for all the wrong reasons!

Pity I wasn’t quick on the uptake….quick enough to post a ‘Thaamb Tikde’ sign of my own outside the venue. 😦

Goin’ Gaga O’er Go Goa Gone

Quite a mouthful that, ain’t it? 😛

So! GGG (not to be confused with the ludicrous 3G :roll:)is quite an enjoyable zom-com, one of the first desi produces of its kinds.

I suspect a great amount of thought went into christening the characters rather than fleshing out their roles. So we have two Monday-hating PLAYBOYS named Luv, Hardik 😯 while the third crony responds to BUNNY! Go figure that out!!! 😛

The first two suck at most things- their jobs, their wooing skills for potential blowjobs … 😆 😆 😆

Erm, got a little carried away there, didn’t I? 😉

Anyway, Bunny scores an all-expenses paid trip in the land of feni and our hedonists don’t need to be asked twice.

Enter the desi Luna Lovegood- who does Luv real good!!! 😆 😆 😆

She invites the trio to a very exclusive beach rave on an island, off the Goan coast. Organized by the Russian Mafioso, our boys are feeling quite proud that they’ve finally made it large 😛 and are on a high with all the free booze flowing. But the asli nasha doesn’t really kick in! What’s not free is that tiny red pill, one that’s revered as the baap of all stoning agents. Naturally, the kadkas can’t afford it and get back to greedily laying their hands on the remaining sharaab, shabaabs and kabaabs! Laajawabs! 😀

In retrospect, that perhaps was the best thing to have happened cuz all the pillwales transformed overnight into CHILL-waales! Soulless cannibalistic corpses on the prowl, flipping o’er fresh maas after tripping on all the ghass 😆

Enter Boris ‘Bekaar’ 😀 A self-commissioned zombie-slayer who likes to keel dead peepul. The gun-toting Indo-Russian does a fine job of keeping the audience in splits and the zombies’ brains split (wide open). That the living dead limp more painfully than Tehmur himself and it doesn’t take a Russian’s expertise to annihilate them is a realization that makes the protagonists go from zeroes to heroes in the climax.

GGG is one of those few films that can boast of an above average rating in every department. The concept’s refreshingly unique in the Bollywood context, the acting’s top notch, the humor crackling, the make-up and styling sensational, the gore truly gruesome…there’s not much to hate!

If you’re dreading going to sweltering Goa at this time of the year, go catch the uber-cool Go Goa Gone instead!

BELOW: Biting Humour, that’s the genre! 😉

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Stupid Cupid- Part I

Being an ardent V-Day hater, I’ve always thought Cupid to be the most overrated of the Love Gods. Having witnessed the most absurd of B-town pairings in recent months, I now pronounce him daft! 😉

There’s one particular jodi that’s guaranteed to make your maatha fodi. There couldn’t be a better example of the perfect antithesis. She’s all politically correct and demure, he’s brash and immature. While her Goddess-like look makes eyes pop, he’s the proverbial dork, struts like a noisy cock and his talks make you balk. Many believe she has the best arse in the industry and the worst arsehole for a boyfriend from the industry! 😆

Meet B-Town’s official clown, the one and only, Ranveer Singh! (drumrolls)

ranveer

Circa 2010. I was genuinely excited when the trailer of Band Baaja Baraat hit the tube for the first time. The impish hero of the film seemed so in the skin of his character and was so effortlessly natural, I confess to being momentarily blinded by the brightest star on the horizon. But it took one chat show with KJo and I could stand him no more!

Like I’ve stated earlier, ‘immature’ screamed and leapt out at me the moment the man opened his mouth. It was evident Ranveer Singh brags more than he shags 😆 😆 😆 He said something to the effect of Kareena visiting his adda and stripping him of his boyhood!!! 😯 No wonder Saif landed in the hospital right around that time with cardiac complaints! 😆 😆 😆

Anyway, getting back to the show, as her retarded boyfriend kept maaraaoing fataakris, a jubilant Anushka was bursting celebratory fataakris (in her mind). She now had the full sympathy and support of the entire nation in her grand plans to ditch her conceited boyfriend.

Karan, on the other hand, who was happily munching away, nearly choked on his cookie! He was so convulsed with laughter by the sheer hilarity of the statement, I think a little bit of pee came out! 😛 Before the show got rechristened ‘Cough-Pee with Karan’, a strategically-timed ad break thankfully prevented the inevitable from happening! 😆 😆 😆

Who advertises their stupidity so blatantly on national TV? Speaking of national, a hilarious episode comes to mind involving an immigrant relation from the husband’s side who’d settled down in Holland and was hopelessly in love with his new home. So much so that he had to deride everyone and everything from the place he’d come to holiday at. Excerpts from the boastful conversation:

(At Spinney’s, one of the more upscale supermarket chains in Dubai)
Me: (checking the price tag on an exquisite Christmas tree) Wow!!! (pun intended)
He: Arre, yahaan green tree milta hai? Mere Holland mein na safed trees bikte hain.
Me: 🙄 (pretending to be stunned) Haan?!? Wow! Badiya hai!!! 🙄
Me: (inwardly grimacing) Registan mein kabhi barf girta hai kya, dodo? 😆

********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Me: (picking up a loaf of bread)
He: Arre, yahaan Dubai mein aisa saadha slice bread milta hai? Mere Holland mein na Pain milta hai!
Me: (wondering) Is he talking about himself???? Me quips surreptitiously 😀

A friend tagging around covertly and clearly eavesdropping wanted to know, “Yeh Hole-Lund Hole-Lund kya bake jaa raha tha!!!”

ROFL ROFL ROFL 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆

********************************************************************************************************************************************************

Anyway (wiping off a tear) there should be a law in place that warns, ‘BOAST AND YOU’RE TOAST!’

Till that happens, Ranveer would have lost Deepika who, much like a shuttlecock, seems happy to be shuttling between two cocks with similar-sounding names 😆

‘Tis time to take their case ROYALLY!

The UK should learn a thing or two from the Orange Nation. I’m tired of seeing that grumpy, frumpy, stumpy woman 😆 rule the roost for soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo soooooooooooo sooooooooooo looooooong. She became queen even before my parents were born 😯 Today they have grandchildren and I think these will spawn kids of their own 😀 but the Iron Maiden will continue holding Britain in her viselike grip 😆

Speaking of Orange Nation, I had no inkling they had a ‘second’ Royal Family headed by Queen Beatrix who very magnanimously relinquished her position to…hold your breath….
…………………….not the pauper in the street, not the pimp running that sleazy brothel in the prostitution capital of the world, not even to Tusshaar Kapoor/ Uday Chopra 😆 😆 😆 ….but to her own son!!! 🙄 And the media’s in a tizzy over this???!!!??? 😮

Unti April 30, 2013, I was under the impression that the Netherlands was ruled by an immigrant family of Indian origin. I vividly remember being fed a fantastic story, about four years ago, of a girl child catapulting her folks into the royal league, merely because of the order in which her brother and she were born!

You see, the Dutch, sloshed by all the santra, 😆 are of the opinion that ONLY AND ONLY WHEN a woman bears a MALE heir BEFORE producing a baby bear, the imperial tag is hers for the keeping. A woman who has a daughter first and then a son- effectively the same thing IMHO, is destined only for weeping! Same-sex families, you’re not even in the running!!!

Where does that leave poor Princess…er…Queen Maxima? 😆 😆 😆

Anyway, while the Dutch were oohing and aahing over the nation’s new princess of exotic lineage, the family got so swept away by all the adulation and fanfare that they forgot basic etiquette. The impudent royals imagined they had a copyright on procreation. They began feverishly recollecting our National Pledge, ‘All Indians are brothers and sisters.’ How then could DH impregnate his wife without the royal blessings??? 😯 😯 😯

Clearly, they forgot the tweaked version invented by every Indian school-going adolescent. ‘All Indians are my brothers and sisters….EXCEPT ONE!’ 😆 😆 😆

They refused to part with a single Euro from the state treasury and make a congratulatory call to the not-so-royal-tummy where new life was beginning to bloom for the first time. They eventually did. When the commoner called on His Majesty, The King’s Birthday!!! 😯

The Naarangis also contributed to berangi in the lives of their not-so-fortunate brethren by making the wildest of speculations and proclamations. Apparently, a woman is incapable of determining if she’s pregnant or not before the 40-day mark 😯 Obviously, I wouldn’t expect them royals to resort to using such lowly methods as an HPT kit to confirm pregnancy!

It’s such a tragedy that a woman’s worth has to be judged by whether she can bear kids or not. To add insult to the injury, the gender and the order matter too!!! 😦

Hail Queen Maxima, who with your brood of three gorgeous princesses, should bring to task these fake royals and make them kiss your asses! 😆 😆 😆

BELOW: The REAL Royals:

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