Shitbutt Romeo!

So, Shortcut mein bata deti hoon πŸ˜€

There’s sex-starved A-geisha Patel :lol:, who’s still waiting for someone to pop her cherry! πŸ˜€ I thought Mr. Anal Kapoor would RACE 2 do the honors but evidently he hasn’t bitten the bait! πŸ˜†

Wearing an I-need-a-fuck-desperately-expression like a placard around her neck, the bored housewife signs up for golfing lessons hoping to zzzz off more with her instructor than she can tee πŸ˜† They roll below a leafy tree to indulge in their badtameezee πŸ˜›

Enter TIGER WOODS! Arre nahi re, not the asli wala…He’s done with putting balls in the wrong holes! πŸ˜† This tiger in the woods is a voyeuristic, camera-toting carnivore, who happily clicks away when the geisha and the guru ho jaate hai shuru πŸ˜‰

MORAL OF THE STORY: Jungle Mein Mangal karoge toh Nanga ke saath Kangaa (L) bhi ho jaaoge!!! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

NNM systematically squeezes paisa outta his ING VAISHYA ATM πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† to fund his hedonistic lifestyle. Vasai Nalasopara ka maamuli chokra suddenly starts thinking Masai Mara!!! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Kenya mein use milti hai ek Kanya, Sherry. Expectedly with a brain not larger than a cherry! πŸ˜€ When he’s not lying to her, he’s lying on her! πŸ˜›

The build-up to the climax forces you to conjure some rather disconcerting images… who’s doing whom? Who’s suing whom?

Speaking of Sue, sabko Susu bade zor se aa rahi thi! But director Susu…oops.. πŸ˜† Lekin clearly Susi Ganesan apne interminable, insufferable SHOTs ko CUT bolna bhool gaya.

When the end finally came, hum sab Kenya ki Masai-Mara-wali hopping dance karte hue baahar nikle taaki baahar Pee na nikle!!! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Alas! Relief was still nowhere in sight with all 10 toilet stalls occupied endlessly. Clearly no one was in the mood for shortcuts that day! πŸ˜‰

BELOW: The Susu Stopping Dance.

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Run-Jaana!

Far far far away from the theater! πŸ˜†

Before I proceed with giving you my impressions of Raanjhana, here’s a little something I need you to first do. Exercise those gray cells a wee bit. Remember that melodramatic Poop Song…oops… Soup Song πŸ˜† that played more times a day than you blinked your eyes? πŸ˜€ Can you remember the lyrics to it, word for word? I shit you not! Raanjhana is the prose version of that inane poetry!!! Check it out:

white skin-u girl-u girl-u
girl-u heart-u black-u
eyes-u eyes-u meet-u meet-u
my future dark

why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di
why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di

hand la glass
wrist la slash-u πŸ˜†
eyes-u full-aa tear-u
empty life-u
girl-u come-u
life reverse gear-u
lovvu lovvu
oh my lovvu
you showed me bouv-u
cow-u cow-u holi cow-u
i want u hear now-u
god i m dying now-u
she is happy how-u
this song for soup boys-u
we dont have choice-u

Tsk tsk! Not at all a BHOLAVERY DIng to do. πŸ˜‰

So, as you’ve gauged, there’s love-struck Kundan who’s ready to undergo even Mundan πŸ˜† if only to hear Zoya respond to his umpteen proposals with a resounding YA.

In the intense scenes, which are like A LOT in the movie, Zoya is just about as palatable as that untouched dish of Soya! πŸ˜† Who courts another Hindu lad when your folks beat up the first one you dated real bad?!? 😯 I’m aware that Sonam Kapoor is busy fighting hair fall. Did her brains fall off as well??? πŸ˜† Sonu, mujhe naaz nahi hai tum par! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

And then there’s Abhay, the Nirbhay, a JNU student leader cum aspiring politician from Delhi with a raging fire in his belly. Enter Zoya and CRASH BOOM BANG! He comes down with a bad case of Delhi Belly! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

The fiery Dilliwala, who is shown spearheading the fight for Nirbhaya, is suddenly portrayed as a wimpy Dilwala, going even to the extent of conning Zoya’s folks by changing his name from Jasjeet to Akram! 😯 CHAKRAM if you ask me!!! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Now, any sane love triangle would culminate with one of the heroes ending up as the magnanimous sacrificial bakra. Instead there were a couple of near- shaadis 😯 and a lot of barbaadis courtesy wrist-slashing and khoon splashing! Star-crossed lovers of yore might have done it and gotten away with it. But seriously! Wrist-slashing?!? In this day and age!!! πŸ™„ Guess Mr. Aanand L Rai doesn’t the Times of India buy! πŸ˜€ Acid-throwing attacks are making big news these days, Sir! Ilaahi bhi pak gaya hoga dekhke wohi kalaai pe baar baar silaai! πŸ˜†

Iske baad story mein aate hain itne saare twists and turns, they could put to shame even the prowess of Abbas MusTURN! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† After a frothy love story like YJHD, Raanjhana is a heavy-duty, broody, grey-at-the-edges kinda romance, the kind that will appease the tragedy-loving Shakespearean fans. I’m still reeling from the side-effects of such a bhaari bharkam storyline, after having exhausted a year’s-worth stock of Hajmola! πŸ˜€

If you must brave Raanjhana, here are two solid reasons to do so.

1. For Dhanush. The endearing charm he exudes on screen is second to none. No one from B-town, not even my current heartthrob Ranbir, can breathe life into Kundan’s character the way Dhanush has! Maybe it’s his un-impeccable Hindi, or maybe it’s his unassuming persona, but whatever it is, it clicks!

Apparently Kamaal R Khan, the male version of the abominable Rakhi Sawant πŸ˜† πŸ˜† :lol:, thinks Kundan looks like a chamaar! 😯 Woh toh sirf
reel life mein aisa dikhta hai, tu toh real life main aisa dikhta hai saale bandar ki aulaad! πŸ˜€ Itna hi nahi, teri maa ne khud tera naam Chamaa-R Khan rakha!!! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

2. For Benares. Just like the magic of a Puchka exploding in your mouth is indescribable and needs to be savored to be believed, so it is with Raanjhanaa. For picture-postcard perfectness like splashes of a vivid vermillion against an azure sky, this movie is as good as they come!

BELOW: Awww..the real-life ‘Heer Ranjhanaa’.

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Sooraj Hua Khatam…Chance Dhalne Laga!

The law has always had a soft spot for the fallen? stars and since the sun is the mightiest of them all in the galaxy called B’wood, me thinks SOORAJ Pancholi will be outta jail soon, without being inflicted by PANCHes & GOLIS! πŸ˜†

Even if he hasn’t abetted Jiah’s suicide, I’d arrest him in a flash. For sending the shattered girl a break-up bouquet, the proverbial last straw that broke the camel’s back! Who in their right mind does such a thing?!? 😯 He may as well have sent her a box of poison-laced chocolates!!!

But that you can mock such a lovely soul by shedding tears like a croc at her funeral meet was enough to put me into a shock.

These are who are called ‘Funeral Specialists‘. Extremely callous in their words and deeds or diametrically opposite with their stony silence and cold-shoulder treatment towards the victim. Regret is the very last thing on their minds, sincere apologies as probable as Tusshar Kapoor winning an Oscar! :grin:….achcha chalo, a Filmfare!!! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

But when the victim in question breaks free from the shackles of their insensitivity and departs for a better world, our specialists are the first to rummage in their cupboards for appropriate funeral attire and to pull faces longer than Pinocchio’s nose! πŸ˜€ Trust me, I know! Such characters abound in my personal life πŸ˜‰

Then begin Academy-award-worthy performances. From subtle sniffling 😦 to full-blown theatrical wailing. ‘Mujhe chodke kyun chale gaye?’, ‘Mera ab kya hoga?’.

Abey oye, India’s Best Draamebaaz! Aadmi toh bandar ka advanced roop hota hai, kya bhoot ko tune ch*#t samajh rakha hai? πŸ˜† Aadmi ko bhale hi tu ullu bana sakta hai, lekin woh bhoot ka kya? Woh toh tujhe zaroor chullu bhar paani mein doob marwaayega πŸ˜† Brrrrrr! Chilling! antim sanSCARE for sure!!! πŸ˜‰

Thook Re!

Although I’m all for bromances on the big screen, I really think filmmakers should now give this premise a rest. I’m terribly bored of tasting the same old wine packed in a new bottle for the last 12 years and counting! Wine gets better with age, they say. That doesn’t hold true here though. My whines seem to be getting better with age! πŸ˜†

So, Fukrey is not about F*#@ing as misinterpreted by the very disappointed youth filing out of the theatre way before the interval πŸ˜› It’s about being cheap, thinking cheap and doing cheap. The four protagonists are a bunch of aimless adolescent Dilliwala-velas whose khwaabs ironically reflect expensive tastes- kabaabs, sharaabs and shabaabs. Grand dreams of living the good life whiz about in their heads like rockets when there is not a phooti kaudi in their pockets πŸ˜€

Perpetually in wonderland, they remind me of Alice (not referring to the Who the F*#@ one :razz:, though it might seem apt here :wink:) spiralling downwards into the gaping black Kuaa of Juaa, Dhuaan, Marijuaana et al. Three of the smart-asses strike gold each time they act out on the hunch of the fourth. Truly a Mad Three Party this! πŸ˜†

Alas, on one occasion the hunch fails! The dreamers’ DONna, (the Punjaban financier who stands to gain the most by pimping :shock:… oops…. pumping in money πŸ˜€ at the behest of the lazy lads) Richa Chaddha, sees red and chases the foursome, ready to tear off their chaddis πŸ˜› πŸ˜†

The movie has to end and so blasting the fukreys’ fucked-up brains like a foghorn is the profound realization that there can never be a shortcut to success πŸ™„ Yehi samjhaane ke liye Farhan Akhtar ne do ghante ka yeh ghanta film banaaya?!? 😯 Isse toh achcha I could have read an Aesop’s fable lasting all of five minutes…it would have been considerably lighter on my pocket too! After all, GOING CHEAP is the way to go! πŸ˜‰

BELOW: Thailand mein jo Tuk Tuk kehlaya jaata hai, India mein ‘Fuk Fuk’ ban gaya! πŸ˜†

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Gadha Kapoor

So, post the success?!? of Barshitty2 :shock:, the tingu’s gotten too big for her shoes! She thinks her latest has transported her into the league of the Kats and the Bitches!!! πŸ˜† Suddenly, the music video she’d promised her pop-singer friend to star in eons ago (when she was veli) suddenly seems too lowly for her. Aaoooooch Lolllitaaaa! πŸ˜†

Asa? Asa karaycha? Ek pop star ne hi tujhe flop star banne se bachaaya, tujhe THE Aarohi Shirke banaaya, toh ab Shirke se SHITDEne lagi hai! πŸ˜›

Killjoys like Shraddha abound in this materialistic, selfish world. You see them EVERYWHERE. In your office, at school, in the gym, on the bus, in the train, and if you’re blessed like me, even in your family!!! The ones you call ‘fail-atives’. πŸ˜† The same ones who act like ‘Sajinis’ (ever so lovely) when the going gets tough for them but when the tough gets going, they transform into ‘Ghajinis’ πŸ˜† and forget the good deeds done to them.

Sabke Kandhe Pe Rote Hai Jab Aata Hai Bura Waqt
Achche Din Aa Jaane Pe Unhi Ko Bolte Hain, ‘OK, Now FAKTHE…!!!’ You know the rest, dontchya? πŸ˜‰

Coming back to Shakti’s Babydoll, ‘Indian Idol’ se ‘In Dino Idle’ banne mein der nahi lagti! πŸ˜†
There’s something known as the ‘One-Film-Wonder’ syndrome. Your predecessor succumbed to it 23 years ago. Why should you be any different? Anybody, ABSOLUTELY ANYBODY, could essay Aarohi’s role. How difficult is it to quiver your lower lip, bat your mascaraed eyelashes, give the bambi-eyed look and toss your silken mane? Inhi ke balboote pe firangi Katrina yahaan pe kab se tiki hui hai! πŸ˜†

What will carry you places is humility. That nothing and no one is too big or too small in life. And if the friend in question was gracious enough to offer you some work while you were busy twiddling your thumbs, the least you could do is to reciprocate the noble gesture and show you’re the bigger person by starring in his video for free.

Tera baap ‘Nandu Sabka Bandhu’ toh tha. Pity tu ‘Shraddhu Sabki Shatru’ kehlayegi! πŸ˜†

BELOW: Practice what you preach!

SK

A Gift of Love for your Near and Queer Ones! πŸ˜†

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Stupid Cupid- Part II

So, I’ve watched YJHD thrice upto now 😯 and if the film sashays into the coveted 200-crore club, you know whose hand is behind it! πŸ˜‰ I still maintain that the movie is a complete dud, what with its wishy-washy premise. But the kishy-cootchie happening between the main leads, endearing as it is, compels me to go endure that shitfest one more time.

Every scene in which Ranbir’s eyes lock with Deepika’s melts my insides. How about those searing looks he gives her with those chocolatey-brown, gooey eyes of his in the Subah Ho Gayi scene and in the one where he walks past Dips before turning to look at her right before he breaks into Badtameez Dil. Also, towards the end, where he plants tender kissies on Dippy’s lippies πŸ˜† is just so awwwwww…. It must have been really tough for Kapoor to break away from such warm passion when the director said CUT and return home to frigid KAT! πŸ˜†

Speaking of frigid, romancing two ice maidens, back-to-back, must have taken its toll and seriously convinced Sallu of the necessity of ‘Being Human’! πŸ˜†

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Both these dolls have been the reason for his downfall πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Ranbir, in a recent interview, likened his pairing with Dips to that of his grandfather’s with Nargis. Whoa! Huge stuff!!! It’s astonishing then that he’s settled for a woman who is the exact antithesis of Nargis in his personal life 😦 The lack of chemistry between them is indeed a source of mystery! πŸ˜€

Here’s an ode to the beauty with(out) brains:

B-town’s official Barbie Doll
Possesses the IQ of a Troll
So leaden, without a soul
Perfect as the Khan’s..oops..Don’s Moll
πŸ˜†

ms-katrina-kaif-barbie-doll

Here’s some friendly advice to the cutie with(out) brains πŸ˜€

KIT(piti)KAT πŸ˜† ke saamne Dippy’s the sensuous, dusky Oscar
Usi ki doli le jaana tum baithke Horse Par
KAT ko tu seedha Toss Kar
Jaldi se phek de use Big Boss Par
πŸ˜†

BELOW: This is ‘Happily Ever After’ for me! Cupid, you listening?

INDIA-ENTERTAINMENT-BOLLYWOOD

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Strangers don’t always spell Danger

From childhood, like most, I’ve been conditioned to believe strangers are up to no good and I’d be better off not having to do anything with them.
While there is sufficient wisdom backing the teachings of our elders, life (who I think is the greatest teacher of them all) has actually shattered such preconceived notions and has demonstrated time and again that sometimes you do need that rank stranger to bring about a world of good in your life.

In my experience, the PARIVAAR, easily the most overrated of social units thanks to KJo :roll:, is especially accomplished at subjecting the black sheep from among them to repeated VAARS πŸ˜€ And that triggers off deadly WARS πŸ˜†

You have to constantly act adequately obligated and overtly subservient. Family, rather selfishly, craves undivided attention and demands adulation 24/7. You can’t afford to ever lower your guard since you don’t really want to risk the possibility of an explosive expose being thrown in your face when you least expect it to. Family normally (and unfortunately) knows exactly behind which doors those skeletons of yours lurk and they don’t need to be asked twice to unleash them!

With strangers, such uneasiness never creeps into the picture as you’re exempt from carrying all your excess baggage into the frame. You receive, you thank, you return. No strings attached.

Brand-new acquaintances often make better life preservers than the age-old relations you think you can bank upon. This I can vouch for with my life since the former have no ‘goody good’ image to uphold and nothing to gain by going out of their way to do a good deed. They do so without any compulsion and it comes straight from the heart, without feeling burdened and thinking of it as an obligatory duty.

No man can live as an island nor can he journey alone. Since you obviously need the company to sail on that turbulent ship called life, better forge friendships with people outside your comfort zone. Not for nothing is variety said to be the spice of life.

Jiah Laage Naa Tum Bin Hamra

MAN!!! Apparently who’s no more is Jiah Khan!!!

Yes, the same girl who’d succeeded in making men and women alike ‘NISHABD’, way back in 2007. For entirely different reasons though! πŸ˜‰

The very same girl who made us realize that the letter B resembles a β€˜Bum’ and that’s what the Big B really is! πŸ˜›

Anyway, this is the girl who created a B-town record of sorts. Show me one girl who’s been lucky enough to star alongside THE BIGGEST names of Bollywood, back-to-back, in the first two projects of her career…

The third, and unfortunately, final movie on her resume- Housefull, was also quite a decent venture. I really enjoyed that scene of her warding off β€˜Aakhiri Pasta’s’ lustful smooch in her reel life. πŸ˜† But what’s not funny is her opting for the Aakhiri Raasta in real life. 😦

Suicide is something that always succeeds is making me β€˜nishabd’. I wonder what possessed her into snuffing her precious life at such a tender age.

If it was professional failure that goaded her into taking such an extreme step, I wish she’d looked at her peers. She literally would have thanked her stars! Pun Intended!!! πŸ˜€ (For not committing the irreversible mistake that she just did!)

Whenever I see a piece on Uday Chopra in the papers, I inadvertently hold my breath. I always have thought him to be the most likely candidate for plunging to an untimely death. If in life, we’ve known him as Uday Chopra, in death, it’ll still be close enough. β€˜Udi’ Chopra. πŸ˜†
To always walk in the shadow of your extremely successful sibling can be highly frustrating, but look at the lad! He cares a F@*# as to what people think of him and cares for a F@*#… Oops Fakhri!!! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Then there’s Tusshaar. It’s doubly frustrating when there are two big success stories you need to eclipse. But the Hushaar boy has never drowned in his gham. Instead he has always wisely kept mum and excelled slowly but steadily at Dumb-Charades-Dumb. Now you know how he pulls off that β€˜totla’ act with such aplomb! πŸ˜€

Matching up to three family members with talent and beauty worth a million dollars can make anyone get hot under the collar. But nothing can shake the indomitable AbhiSHAKE. And now that baby Aaradhya’s here, Aby’s Baby no longer feels that he’s the least best at things! πŸ˜›

Each of these gentlemen had a lot more credibility to lose and a lot more flak to gain each time they failed. But thankfully good sense prevailed.

If it was personal failure, Bipasha Basu should have been dead a long time ago! Instead, she still sheds copious amounts of Aasu publicly but is very much hale and hearty πŸ˜†

Thank goodness Kareena didn’t pull off a SHAHID Bhagat Singh stunt on herself after her relationship with Sasha went kaput πŸ˜€
Instead, she became more guarded, played β€˜SAIF’ πŸ˜‰ and finally made it large! Begum of Pataudi, no less!!!! πŸ˜†

RIP Jiah! You’re certainly not the first and you surely won’t be the last. You did what you had to do and there’s no turning back now…yet nothing, absolutely nothing in life warrants such a drastic measure cuz suicide can never ever give you true closure.

BELOW: Ethereal!

Jiaah

Jiah

A Friend in Need might sometimes turn into a Fiend with Greed!

We’ve all had our brush with this detestable type at some point in life. Not that we go looking for them! The same fate that f#@*ks us lands them at our doorstep and we, who’re reeling from the various blows rained down on us by the Gods, are only to willing to lap the favors proffered by these ‘Good Samaritans’.

For all those Samaritans who can’t sustain the ‘goodness’ farce for too long, I recommend you print this poster and paste it in a place you can see it 24/7. Even if its message doesn’t penetrate through your thick skulls :razz:, the picture’s realllllllly realllllly cute!!! πŸ˜€

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