Wa(a)r re Wa(a)r

“It’s different,” whines Jaaved Jaffery. This time however, it’s not about the Laal Saaauce. It’s about the Laal Maas 😆 Or rather the lack of it in the ‘Dal Gosht’ served to the members of the Pakistani squadron that he leads. The lentils expectedly wreak havoc in the stomachs of the carnivores and the men from Sindh can’t do much besides pass wind! 😆 😆 😆 Clearly no prospect for intelligence to be passed on in Far(t)gil 😆 😆 😆

Surely there’s nothing newsworthy about recurring episodes of flatulence 😀 Respective State Heads are terribly worried. They’ve recently learnt that everything is stinky gory 😛 …whoops…hunky dory 😆 at the LOC with officers from both sides engaging in friendly banter involving everything from Sunny Deol in Border to Sunny Leone in Murder! Or was it Jism? 😉

Speaking of Jism, Miss Hot Bod herself is deployed at the behest of an Indian Cabinet Minister to Far(t)gil to…GET THIS… to announce to the Men In Blue ki Harewalon ko war mein haraana hai!!! 😯 😯 😯 Wouldn’t it be easier to put in a call to the Army Chief? 🙄
Expectedly, Bharatiya faujiyon ka hawa becomes tight. Alright, they concede. Let’s bring on the fight!

Soha, who undoubtedly is the most ill-matched likeness of Barkha Dutt, is as ditzy around Captain Rana (Sharman Joshi) as Anushka is around Shahrukh in Jab Tak Hain Jaan. What’s wrong with these journo chicks? They seem more like porno chicks 😆

Rana is distracted with all the khayaali naach gaana, but he also has to do some major band bajaana. Still reeling from the 3 Idiots hangover, the cocky captain hatches an idea just as cocky. He releases…I SHIT YOU NOT!… cocks!!! into the Pakistani side of the fence! 😯 The murgas lure the meat-deprived enemy out aur hum kartein hain unko murda. How convenient! 🙄 Kukdoo koo to udan choo, wotsay? 😀 The Pakistani Army Chief (Manoj Pahwa) meanwhile is hooked to Angry Birds on his cellphone. Coincidence? 😉

The drama unfolding on screen drives home the point that war brings devastating losses to the countries and people fighting it. Instigating nations often end up reaping tremendous benefits from this dastardly act.

In the film, the goras urgently needed someone to fill up their bheek ka katoras. So America’s Bush becomes khush when we credit-loving Indians lap up his grand idea of procuring armaments from them at attractive EMIs 😆 The Chinese have left making Noodles to focus on making Newcle-ar bombs. Should we be saying War China Ka Chaal Hai! 😆 Needless to say, even the Sivasaki bombs we will burst in a few days hence fare much better in comparison to the duds the two warring factions are hurtling at each other 😀

To sum WCNY up, it’s a quirky attempt at Black Humor. True it’s production values aren’t opulent which might prove to be a bummer for many. But at least the story is not hackneyed and the humour is wicked. The leads are in their element and actually save the movie from falling flat on its face. This one’s going into my disc collection.

BELOW: Dal Chhod Na Yaar! Hahahahahahahahah


Shame Shame Poppy Shame!

Six years ago, the towel fell off. But before us besharam ladkis could so much as glimpse the crack, damned Mr. SanjAYESTHETIC 🙄 Leela Bhansali made the screen go BLACK! 😆

Six years later, Mr. Abhinav CRASSyap 😆 gets Ranbir to apologize suitably by flashing ‘The Crack’ in between spouting wisecracks 😛 I truly felt adequately compensated! 😉

Moving over to my impressions on Besharam. It really felt like a vendetta of sorts with almost everyone seeming desperate to prove a point. Mr. Kashyap, heading the pack, is intent on robbin’ the thunder from our desi ROBIN Hood 😛 Neetu Singh avenges the humiliation her real-life husband subjected her to. As Bulbul CHAUTALA, she publicly shames him for his erstwhile philandering and the resultant marital Gadbad GOTALAS! 😀 Ranbir is HAIR, THERE and EVERYWHERE. Hellbent on eradicating waxing altogether, RanBEER proudly displays his ‘MAN HAIR’! YEAAAAAHHHHH! Cheers to Man Hair! Park Avenue, you listening? 😆

Besharam really should have been titled JERRYAURTOM. It’s an abominable desi version of the evergreen cartoon series. Only here, the cat and mouse game is a huge shame. In keeping with the film’s title obviously! This film has no chance whatsoever of even standing outside the doors of Bollywood’s Hall of Fame!

Abhinav really should have planned this as a home video to pay tribute to the Kapoors instead of shamelessly hogging 3600 screens to torture the country along its length and breadth simultaneously. Pallavi Sharda ain’t made for the Bada PURDAH. The Kapoor trio buried the unsuspecting, and rather untalented, Australian import six feet DOWN UNDER and how! 😆 Pandit’s music reminds one of Anuradha Paudwal’s T-Series bhajans. Hurry Home! 😆

All in all, Rum Peeke Seh Gaye Hum Besharam. Hail Old Monk! 😆
Some advice from the wise sage. This one you must bunk! 😀

BELOW: ‘I hereby declare that Mr. Anil Kapoor has always been my biological father.’- RK. 😆 😆 😆