No Mog at Vogue!

‘Tis a curious case of the green eye. Although the bhabi was born with it, the nanad (also, an anagram for Nanda, get it?!!!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚) flashes it more often! ๐Ÿ˜œ

December 26, 2010 saw the insecurity of a daughter unfold towards a daughter-in-law on national TV. Seven years hence, status quo seems maintained!

Recently, Vogue erroneously accommodatedย Navya Naveli Nanda in a frame that should have ideally been reserved for only ‘The Bachchan Women’! ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ Nandu… oops! Nanda surname gaya tel lene!!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

 

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Purely by the strength of her illustrious maiden name, which she has hung on to rather assiduously, Shweta qualified for the photo op. And the same phenomenon, in reverse, must have done Ash in. But if there’s anyone who absolutely deserved to be clicked, it was lil Aaradhya. She certainly has more claim on the Bachchan name than Navya! Why wasn’t she in the pic then? Oh, I forgot! Like always, she’d need mommy dearest to carry her!!!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ Isliye Rai aur cutiePie dono ko bol diya Tata Bye Bye!!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Looking closely, the First Family of Bollywood appears to suffer from the same malaise crippling every other nondescript family in the world. An envious daughter who spites the daughter-in-law for taking her place in the family is such a Kahaani Ghar Ghar Ki! She who will sway her mother’s thoughts and father’s emotions so as to never let them wholeheartedly accept and wholly include the new entrant, thereby leaving the hapless soul to fend for herself as an outsider all her life. Subtle taanas to explosive tamaashas, they ARE the norm in families with mixed-gender rather than same-sex siblings. Husbands of two sisters/ wives of two brothers share a better camaraderie than a bhabi and nanad. Had Abhishek a brother or Shweta a sister, the Bachchans would never have to contend with such an embarrassing spread. Goes to prove that naari hi doosri naari pe padti hai bhaari!๐Ÿ˜

Saif: The Male Kaif!

Lately, I find Saif relentlessly pulling off a Kaif! She plays dumb on celluloid and he in tabloids!!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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Sangat ka asar ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

What was that Sunny-Deolesque bhaari barkam dhai-kilo ka ‘baat’ ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ he recently threw in our faces? Eugenics, right?๐Ÿ˜จ๐Ÿ˜ท

That very term seems to have failed him terribly early on in life. ย Why else did he not walk the hallowed halls of Oxford University unlike the rest of his illustrious clan? Why else did he not hit a sixer like his acclaimed father? Although he certainly resembled one [read chhaka] ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ for the better part of his youth!!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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Bottomline: Eugenics should never ever be elaborated on by an erstwhile eunuch!!!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚Woah..the alliterations in that one!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

His reasoning on why nepotism rocks is beyond bizarre. He says people should invest in pedigree because they are the likeliest to succeed in any given field. Brace yourselves guys! I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Jacckky ‘SHOWOFF’ (Bhagnani), Vivek O-BORE-BOI and Jaa [S]Imran Jaa (Khan) yet!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Eugenics also permit Abhishek to burn producers’ moolah and gaajars too ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ at the stake! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Investing in Eugenics has proved profitable at times but those have been far and few. Imagine if no one had tapped into Hrithik Roshan’s potential!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฑ That lad would still be twiddling his thumbs at home. All 3 of them!!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

I can just feel it in my bones that Sara Ali Khan is gonna shame ‘Eugenics’ and the ‘Promoter’ of that word real soon! What a karmic treat it’d be if she was to debut opposite Varun Dhawan in a disaster-of-a-film helmed by the Snooty Flag Bearer of Nepotism himself! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Kangana would certainly be like this ๐Ÿ‘‡

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Karma Deductions

July 15, 2017 is a date sure to go down in the annals of cinematic history.

Very rarely do you see pedigree shame itself. Three successful men, with roots in the industry deeper than those of that ancient banyan tree in your courtyard, made bumbling fools of themselves by proudly defending nepotism of all things in the world! ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ทThat too on national TV!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ Life truly imitated art, for indeed, we saw 3 Idiots for real on that day!!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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Nepotism and its cousin, the infamous Casting Couch,.. remind me so much of Lord Voldemort! ๐Ÿ‘ฝ They who must never be named!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

On and off, several small-time starlets have summoned a mustard-seed-of-courage to speak up against these twin evils sullying the industry since its inception. We never did hear from them again. Their careers were finished before they could even begin!

And then came a woman with balls bigger than those of all the men collectively in Bollywood. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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The Queen Bee..tch .. ย is what these sissies call her behind her back! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

She hit a towering sixer when she asked the Sixer of Bollyland [Hrithik, who else ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚] to not hide behind his father but to deal with her directly in the open as he used to clandestinely deal with her behind closed doors in the past! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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She then locked horns with the frivolous KJo who we have been JLoing like his Hollywood counterpart. The cherry on the icing is that she did it on his own chat show!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

She called him out for ridiculing her accent when she was a struggler much to her co-guest, Saif Ali Khan’s discomfort. As if that wasn’t enough to set their mouths wide open, she left them with their jaws burrowed deep in their chest when she accused Johar (and rightly so) of being a “Snooty Flag Bearer of Nepotism” and a “Movie Mafia” of sorts. Her candor was so refreshing especially since half of the season could best be described as a diplomatic saga.

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Kangana’s a smart woman because she chose to wait for the right time to fight these bullies. When she’s at the top of her game without fear of being silenced like the not-so-fortunate newbies. When she’s so secure in her space that she refuses to worship the ground the movers and shakers of the film fraternity walk on. When nobody can topple her off the pinnacle because even if you consider all of them together, collectively they don’t possess even an iota of her talent!

I never was a huge fan of Kangana in her early days of acting. She cloned herself in every other release so much so that I couldn’t tell a Gangster apart from Woh Lamhe or even a Fashion.

And then came Once Upon A Time… and I was hooked onto the fabulous success story she single-handedly penned in this male-dominated world she was born to rule over.

I used to admire her bravado for lashing out against the cowards who doused her sister with acid but it was only earlier this year that I fell in love with her simplicity when she appeared on the Kapil Sharma Show with Shahid and laughed her guts out at Gutthi’s adorable antics.๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ She laughed without restrain…without any fear of her mascara smudging or her foundation caking. She laughed like a child…not like how a woman is conditioned by society to laugh.

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And now I respect her because she spat out her grudges to the person who’d wronged her to his face and didn’t indulge in malicious gossip behind his back. She wasn’t overly sweet to him neither was she vindictive but she’d cleared the air between them and had KJo been mature about the whole thing, Dharma was sure to spring a blockbuster in the near future with the Queen, no less, at the helm.

But the man-baby had to cry on every shoulder he found. In London, whilst speaking to Anupama Chopra, the presumptuous old fart embarrassed himself by revealing that he was surprised Kangana even knew the meaning of Flag Bearer of Nepotism!!! ๐Ÿ˜Ž

Kangana herself had mentioned it to him that Anupama’s husband is her biggest well-wisher in the industry. Either KJo intended for the spite to reach Kangs’ ears loud and clear or he’s as dumb as the films he conceives to want to bare his bleeding heart to someone who clearly belongs in Camp Kangana!

Be as it may, he dug his own grave at the IIFA by dissing her when she wasn’t even around to defend herself. How cowardly! I’ve never doubted him being a sissy but the machismo Saif and Varun exude on screen has to be a sham! ๐Ÿ˜œKangana has had no issue with both hitherto so their ass-kissing stunt, just to score a few brownie points from Johar, speaks volumes about their gentlemanly facade. Good thing that they aren’t gonna forget the dreadful taste of their feet in their mouth anytime soon!๐Ÿ˜Ž

Not sure about the fate of Dharma Productions, but Karma deductions for distasteful behaviour happened in full swing on that day!!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

 

Decoding kDO

Karan Jo really should have been christened Karan DOhar! ๐Ÿ˜€ The nation’s favorite filmmaker seems to have quite a penchant for the numeral in question. Look at him below. ROFL ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

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His mantra is do se zyaada nahi! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Before you think he’s been roped in by the Family Planning Commission as their brand ambassador ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ….sorry, joke of the century! ๐Ÿ˜† ROFL…allow me to elaborate.

Barring his happy and “gay” camaraderie with King Khan ๐Ÿ˜‰ and his fondness for erstwhile-friend-now-turned-foe, Kajol, no other artist has completed a hat trick in Dharma projects where Jo wielded the megaphone.

Rani Mukherji, some might say, successfully broke the jinx, as did Farida Jalal (remember the whacky grandma in KKHH who spouted hilarious lines like “Angrez chale gaye, Almeida chhod gaye”) ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

But since cameos and bit appearances in song and dance sequences can’t really qualify as well-fleshed out, significant roles, I’ll be discounting those.

Some like Preity, Hrithik, Abhishek, and Kareena might not have had the Midas himself shaping each of their films under the Dharma banner but at least they were more fortunate than say a John, Ajay, Salman or a Saif who were ousted after just one collaboration.

Then there’s also KJo’s erstwhile strict policy of not roping in his leading ladies’ boyfriends to contend with. Poor Shahid never got a chance to set foot in the hallowed halls of Dharma. Neither will Akshay Kumar. Because of his karma, no entry into Dharma! ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜† Uski itni jurrat that he marries the (only) woman KJo ever pined for! ๐Ÿ˜†

Over time, KJo has gotten less rigid and mellowed quite a bit. He no longer is a jumpy, superstitious ‘K’-loving freak. He now ropes in real-life couples (think HSKD) and exes too! (YJHD) He has thankfully moved away from the soppy ‘Family is the alpha and omega of life’ to some more interesting genres. Thrillers, Romedies etc. I like that he’s sourced a fresh pool of talent to make Dharma the wholesome banner that it is and it’s heartening to see him hand over the directorial baton to the future of filmmaking in this country.

There’s his not-so-good side but overshadowing it is the brilliant side he’s revealed to us lately. A true-blue Gemini, wotsay?!?

Screw Dheela!

The debacle of Saawariya has indeed made the man a Baawariya! ๐Ÿ˜€ Who plants peacocks in the Rann of Kutch? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ True, Mr. SanjAESTHETIC Bhansali has a penchant for making every frame a visual treat, but peacocks in the middle of a stark desert?!? Really?!?

Furthermore, Bhansali has taken every conceivable liberty there is in his adaptation of Shakespeare’s classic. Now, don’t spill your coffee, but our desi RAMeo ekes out his living by running a…ahem… blue-film lending library!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ in the Raand of….oops Rann of Kutch! ๐Ÿ˜›

Leela, on the other hand, is easily the most wanton Juliet I have EVER seen! She just pounces on Ram and literally chews his lips off the FIRST time she sets eyes on him!!! Guys, any of you remember Claire Danes??? How innocent she seemed in every frame? How tentative and ‘sweet’ her kisses were? Leela seems like a pro(stitute) ๐Ÿ˜† in comparison. She caresses Ram’s butt and even makes out with him in his Hall of Shame! I thought she was trying to outperform every one of those girls in Ram’s disc collection. ๐Ÿ˜› Bhansali really should’ve roped in Sunny Leone to play Leela. The woman has the requisite expertise to pull off the raunchiness more convincingly and would have cut production costs considerably. ๐Ÿ˜†

SLB, in the future, must also remember to remunerate his dialogue writers more handsomely else there’s always the risk of his magnum opus passing off as a crude David Dhawan-esque sexfest. Leela actually quizzes Ram about ‘his size!’ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ No matter how horny one might be feeling, who in this day and age mouths lines like, ‘Green angoor aur peela kela!’ ๐Ÿ˜† Sheesh! Looks like Bhansali is desperate to get Ram’s lending library to circulate his semi-porn flick after all!

BELOW: Hey Ram!

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Shame Shame Poppy Shame!

Six years ago, the towel fell off. But before us besharam ladkis could so much as glimpse the crack, damned Mr. SanjAYESTHETIC ๐Ÿ™„ Leela Bhansali made the screen go BLACK! ๐Ÿ˜†

Six years later, Mr. Abhinav CRASSyap ๐Ÿ˜† gets Ranbir to apologize suitably by flashing ‘The Crack’ in between spouting wisecracks ๐Ÿ˜› I truly felt adequately compensated! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Moving over to my impressions on Besharam. It really felt like a vendetta of sorts with almost everyone seeming desperate to prove a point. Mr. Kashyap, heading the pack, is intent on robbin’ the thunder from our desi ROBIN Hood ๐Ÿ˜› Neetu Singh avenges the humiliation her real-life husband subjected her to. As Bulbul CHAUTALA, she publicly shames him for his erstwhile philandering and the resultant marital Gadbad GOTALAS! ๐Ÿ˜€ Ranbir is HAIR, THERE and EVERYWHERE. Hellbent on eradicating waxing altogether, RanBEER proudly displays his ‘MAN HAIR’! YEAAAAAHHHHH! Cheers to Man Hair! Park Avenue, you listening? ๐Ÿ˜†

Besharam really should have been titled JERRYAURTOM. It’s an abominable desi version of the evergreen cartoon series. Only here, the cat and mouse game is a huge shame. In keeping with the film’s title obviously! This film has no chance whatsoever of even standing outside the doors of Bollywood’s Hall of Fame!

Abhinav really should have planned this as a home video to pay tribute to the Kapoors instead of shamelessly hogging 3600 screens to torture the country along its length and breadth simultaneously. Pallavi Sharda ain’t made for the Bada PURDAH. The Kapoor trio buried the unsuspecting, and rather untalented, Australian import six feet DOWN UNDER and how! ๐Ÿ˜† Pandit’s music reminds one of Anuradha Paudwal’s T-Series bhajans. Hurry Home! ๐Ÿ˜†

All in all, Rum Peeke Seh Gaye Hum Besharam. Hail Old Monk! ๐Ÿ˜†
Some advice from the wise sage. This one you must bunk! ๐Ÿ˜€

BELOW: ‘I hereby declare that Mr. Anil Kapoor has always been my biological father.’- RK. ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†
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Shear DAAYAN-amite!

As I sat watching Ek Thi Daayan, I couldn’t help wondering what her journey from DOYEN to DAAYAN would be like. Transitioning from the measly 21cm to the massive 70mm, Ektaโ€™s would have been the most convincing of debuts in the history of B-Town. She does look like a witch and acts like a complete bitch, after all! ๐Ÿ˜›

See, I told ya! ๐Ÿ˜†

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Anyway, getting back to the movie.

Who names their kid Bobo? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ
That name was a BAFFLER alright! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

So baby Bobo from SoBo ๐Ÿ™„ is like the biggest dodo Iโ€™ve seen ๐Ÿ˜† His fears include:

โ€ข JAAL (the claustrophobic elevator that he believes descends beyond the ground floor into hell) ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

โ€ข BAAL (the Garnier long and strong choti of his wicked stepmom ๐Ÿ˜† For the benefit of us dim-witted audience, she has also conveniently been named DAAYAN-AA/ Diana) ๐Ÿ™„

โ€ข And PAAL (the slimy gecko this psycho thinks she metamorphoses into) ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

The fixation with the AALs continues into adulthood. Big Babol…oops…Bobo ๐Ÿ˜† fasaaos a MAAL in his pyaar ka JAAL ๐Ÿ˜‰ and the frisky couple also decide to cement their relationship by adopting a BAAL..this time it’s not the hair… :lol:….it’s a cutesy little baby bear!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Enter the tongue twister Kalki Koechlin ๐Ÿ˜† and all hell breaks loose. AAL izzzzz clearly not well! As sudden as lightning came the hallucinations, that made me go Hallelujah!!! The baffler had me so baffled by his weirdness that I had to tuck my lustrous long ponytail into my T-shirt for fear of having it chopped off! I mean, Mr. Amaron Kissme literally transformed into the Amaron Bunny, ๐Ÿ˜† chasing every woman he saw with a long choti with an even longer pair of kainchis ๐Ÿ˜† Tel endorsement deals gaye tel lene! ๐Ÿ˜€

The climax, as with all recent B-wood offerings, was the proverbial anticlimax. I wonโ€™t tell you who fuelled/ incensed whom and who duelled whom but if youโ€™ve ever seen a Ramsay climax, youโ€™ll find yourself appreciating it for its superb finesse ๐Ÿ˜†

Thereโ€™s always the good, the bad and the ugly in every film. Let’s dissect them slowly, one by one (in the perverse way that a Daayan relishes dissecting her victims :wink:)

The Good:

โ€ข About ten years ago, RGVโ€™s Bhoot had me jumping up every time my doorbell rang ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Thatโ€™s the power of a brilliantly-visualized and executed set. ETDโ€™s art direction is so damn eerie, the slithery lizards so frikkinโ€™ creepy, the claustrophobic elevator and spooky corridors so terrifyingly creaky and Konkonaโ€™s reptilian smile so bloody freaky, I swear Iโ€™m not trying to take your mickey! ๐Ÿ˜€

The Bad:

โ€ข The name Bobo suits a retarded baboon better ๐Ÿ˜† And every scare doesnโ€™t have to be a nightmare/ hallucination ๐Ÿ™„ We prefer the regular real-time scares, thank you!

The Ugly:

Once a hardcore critic of the Ramsay brothers and their brand of cinema, theyโ€™ve earned a diehard fan post this one ๐Ÿ˜†

In a nutshell, ETD isnโ€™t exactly path-breaking cinema but Iโ€™m glad it doesnโ€™t pander to the Hollywood scarefest syndrome either. Iโ€™m talking to you Saif!

Chudails and Daayans are a relatively virgin premise in B-town and kudos to the team of ETD for having the guts to make such a big-budget film on the subject. But a whole is always a sum of its parts. While there are an ample number of spectacular parts in the film, particularly in the first half, the second half has been designed to make you laugh ๐Ÿ˜† Hara-kiri or should I say HAIRY-kiri ๐Ÿ˜† in the case of a psycho-horror film!

Still worth a watch. Who knows? You may actually end up including it in your disc collection!

BELOW: Interesting trampoline this! ๐Ÿ˜†

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Saw Shit, Khan!

Dear SaSHIT Khan, ๐Ÿ˜€

I Saw SHIT the other day ๐Ÿ˜† and I’m PISSed! ๐Ÿ˜€ And no, it wasn’t a good Friday though it was! I wasn’t even close to thanking the Gods it was Friday!!! ๐Ÿ™„

After braving Himmatwala, I’m convinced you belong to the clan of non-competent directors. (READ Farah Con and Sheesh Bundar :lol:) That you hail from the same retarded family only adds more credence to my statement!

I won’t delve on the plot ๐Ÿ˜ฏ (any review normally demands this!!!) It requires real himmat to recap details of THE masterpiece of 2013!

Coming over to my thoughts on the film.

1. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the biggest bum of them all? Mirror: Obviously yaar, SaSHIT Khan! ๐Ÿ˜† Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the biggest bum of them all? Mirror: Satakli re satakli, aata maajhi satakli… ๐Ÿ˜† Again, Sajid!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Now you know who deserves the bum pe laat! But why Bum Pe Laat??? Did Gaand Pe Laat sound less sophisticated than the rest of your crapfest? ๐Ÿ™„

2. BAAGH-BAN: The ‘Save The Tiger’ campaign was conceived only because morons like your sister and yourself consistently use and repeatedly abuse the mighty beast in each of your highly forgettable flicks. You can be sure after watching the chronicles of the ‘Life of Ti’ in your flick ๐Ÿ˜€ Ang Lee’s gonna be very Ang ry! ๐Ÿ˜†

3. Why Himmatwala, you Dim-Mat(i)-wala? The 80s represent a terrible phase of Hindi cinema and Himmatwala-I is the most cringe-worthy film of that era. To put things in perspective, it’s like somebody remaking Aiyya 20 years hence!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

4. AJ=PJ!!!: It’s bad enough you’ve reduced my favorite hero to a distasteful PJ! ๐Ÿ˜€ What’s even worse is that you’ve timed the release of this mahadud on the eve of your hero’s happy budday.

Sajid (on the way to Ajay’s party): ‘Tohfa Tohfa Tohfa, laaya, laaya, laaya’…
Sajid (on his way back): ‘Laafa, laafa, laafa, paaya paaya, paaya’ :lol ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Himmatwala makes Housefull2 look like an Oscar-winner! You get the idea, right? With all your might, resist the urge to watch this one!!!

BELOW: Oh, what’s the point in playing the blame game now? ๐Ÿ™„

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When I raced outta da theater at 3G speed!

Who came up with the name 3G? And more importantly, why? Just to rhyme with Fiji, where the film has been shot? ๐Ÿ™„ That is plain sad!

Or is it a more convenient nickname for the protagonist who responds to three different names.
1. Neilji or rather NeilG
2. Nitinji / NitinG
3. Mukeshji/ MukeshG

๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Directors Sheershak Anand and Shantanu Ray Chhibber seem to be obsessed with the number 3 and Fiji. Table No. 21- their last directorial outing also adds up to 3!!! And that’s where most of us saw the exotic isle for the first time in our lives. I guess these two were in cost-cutting mode and shot both movies back-to-back…same locale, same premise…and the same idiot- ME- sat through both duds! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Is there a third horror waiting to be unleashed on us, given their penchant for the numeral? ๐Ÿ˜‰

When the promos of 3G first hit the air, I was convinced it was the poor desi cousin of ‘One Missed Call’. Both flicks belong to the same genre, the mobile phone is crucial in both cases…you get the connection, right? 3G notwithstanding ๐Ÿ˜‰ That, thankfully, is not the case.

3G is like no other horror film youโ€™ve seen, in Bollywood or elsewhere. And I donโ€™t mean that in a good way! Even the Ramsay comedies fare much better in comparison to this insipid bhootfest.

A testosterone-ridden hero who canโ€™t keep his hands off his girl jumps into the ocean with her (and every conceivable place there is on the island) to satisfy his lust. Then the daft punk realizes his mobile has slid to the depths of the azure Fijian waters and happily trots off to buy a second-hand phone!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

Who, in this day and age, buys a second-hand 3G โ€“enabled phone???!!!???? Fiji mein chutti manaate manaate sirf chutta paisa bach gaya tha that you had to settle for a used phone? ๐Ÿ˜†
And come to think of it, he should have bought a 3rd-hand mobile phone? That would ring in the number 3 reference brilliantly ๐Ÿ˜›

SPOILER ALERT AHEAD

Anyway, a vicious bhoot resides in the cellular world who is desperate to communicate her โ€˜dukhdasโ€™ with the outside world and she’d like to avenge her death by bumping innocent couples off. So, she hurls a football at NNM when he seems more engrossed in a football match on his phone and is in no mood to lend her an ear ๐Ÿ˜† Or she pops up when everyoneโ€™s eyes are about to pop out by the brazen lovemaking scenes between the leads.

There was A LOT of making out in the film, again in 3 different styles! ๐Ÿ˜€
1. Leisurely and romantic.
2. Frenzied and animal-like and
3. Satanic and repulsive.

๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

The intimacy is what irks our bhootni. So, considering how many romps there are through the film, you know she’s one mighty pissed-off aatma ๐Ÿ˜›
A little background on her: She used to be a porn-star, not half as hot as apni Sunny Leone, ๐Ÿ˜‰ who had kept her profession hidden from her puritan and very paagal scientist BF, who was on a mission of using 3G technology to communicate with the netherworld ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

One day, Iโ€™m assuming, he must have used the internet to surf some adult sites, like the typical double-standard-walla man. Not so puritan after all, eh? ๐Ÿ˜‰ The shock of seeing his own girl in high SPIRITS, making merry with everyone but him, made him go balllistic and the rest is His(piri)tory ๐Ÿ˜†

Sonal Chauhan made the men in the theater ogle and their jaws drop so low, I couldnโ€™t tell who freaked me out more ๐Ÿ˜€ Just when the well-meaning me was trying to tweet a heads-up, the real 3G connection on my phone sputtered and died. I recognized it as an omen begging me to walk out on the absurd reelwaala 3G, race outside at 3G Usha Speed ๐Ÿ˜† and save as many unsuspecting souls (pun intended) from this mindless torture.

3G-Movie-First-Look-Out

Kaay Show Che!

A portly gentleman seated next to me in the theater wondered aloud why B-Town was consistently paying tributes only to stories of friendships between men. I was itching to say,

A happy and GAY industry we are ๐Ÿ˜‰ hence the abundance of male-bonding flicks- DCH, Rock On!, Dostana, ZMND, SOTY, Kai Po Che ๐Ÿ˜†

Anyway, the lights dimmed, the curtains rose and we froze ๐Ÿ˜† into statues, the National Anthem playing in the background and all ๐Ÿ˜€ I am feeling mighty giddy-headed today ๐Ÿ˜€

Kai Po Che…Ah! I should say Kai Show Che! ๐Ÿ˜€
Wow! The anthem really is having an effect on my choice of words, linguistic integration and all ๐Ÿ˜†

For once, I didn’t see any glossy sets, flashy Armanis, swanky wheels, more layers of facial greasepaint than those of an onion :lol:, women retiring to bed as though they have to attend the Big Fat Indian Wedding in their dreams ๐Ÿ˜† OTT overacting…

I saw you and me in Kai Po Che…simple normal people with no pretensions whatsoever, living in matchbox homes that are begging for a fresh coat of paint, surrounded by noisy gullis and dusty maidans…I truly felt at home watching Kai Po Che…pun intended ๐Ÿ˜‰

Coming to the performances, Manav/ Ishaan is the the dashing gully cricketer in KPC, so I’ll talk in the language he speaks. I was clean-bowled by his debut act. He’s like those Amol Palekar and Farook Shaikh types. Easy to dismiss off at first glance, but when they get down to doing what they’re supposed to do on screen, you’ll want to worship the ground they walk on!

CHHAKAAs performance ๐Ÿ˜› The only googly was his dialogue delivery. It was hard enough following the gibberish he spouted in Pavitra Rishta when he got mad ๐Ÿ˜€ He gets mad, A LOT, in Kai Po Che and drove me mad by forcing me to figure out what he just said ๐Ÿ˜†

Amit Sadh looks (Seedha) Sadha ๐Ÿ˜€ perfect to portray a deferring Omi. But the beguiling debutant pitches in a rocker-of-a-climax and in the end, that’s what matters.

Raj Kumar Yadav must have been the seasoned pro out of the lot. And it shows! Like Midas, whatever he has starred in has turned to gold and Kai Po Che should be no different!

‘REAL’ ….that’s the key word! Everything about KPC is just that! The director has exposed relationships as we know them to be in ‘real’ life- IMPERFECTLY PERFECT!

You’ll find glimpses of temperaments that we love and hate, ambitions we have nursed and destroyed (willingly or unwillingly), disappointments we have suffered and braved, hurt we have died of (at least it seemed like that at first) but then bounced back from, revenge that has consumed us and liberated us …there’s no doctoring and diluting of stuff in KPC to come up with that happy ending.

Kai Po Che is slice-of-life cinema at its best!