Decoding kDO

Karan Jo really should have been christened Karan DOhar! ๐Ÿ˜€ The nation’s favorite filmmaker seems to have quite a penchant for the numeral in question. Look at him below. ROFL ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

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His mantra is do se zyaada nahi! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Before you think he’s been roped in by the Family Planning Commission as their brand ambassador ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ….sorry, joke of the century! ๐Ÿ˜† ROFL…allow me to elaborate.

Barring his happy and “gay” camaraderie with King Khan ๐Ÿ˜‰ and his fondness for erstwhile-friend-now-turned-foe, Kajol, no other artist has completed a hat trick in Dharma projects where Jo wielded the megaphone.

Rani Mukherji, some might say, successfully broke the jinx, as did Farida Jalal (remember the whacky grandma in KKHH who spouted hilarious lines like “Angrez chale gaye, Almeida chhod gaye”) ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

But since cameos and bit appearances in song and dance sequences can’t really qualify as well-fleshed out, significant roles, I’ll be discounting those.

Some like Preity, Hrithik, Abhishek, and Kareena might not have had the Midas himself shaping each of their films under the Dharma banner but at least they were more fortunate than say a John, Ajay, Salman or a Saif who were ousted after just one collaboration.

Then there’s also KJo’s erstwhile strict policy of not roping in his leading ladies’ boyfriends to contend with. Poor Shahid never got a chance to set foot in the hallowed halls of Dharma. Neither will Akshay Kumar. Because of his karma, no entry into Dharma! ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜† Uski itni jurrat that he marries the (only) woman KJo ever pined for! ๐Ÿ˜†

Over time, KJo has gotten less rigid and mellowed quite a bit. He no longer is a jumpy, superstitious ‘K’-loving freak. He now ropes in real-life couples (think HSKD) and exes too! (YJHD) He has thankfully moved away from the soppy ‘Family is the alpha and omega of life’ to some more interesting genres. Thrillers, Romedies etc. I like that he’s sourced a fresh pool of talent to make Dharma the wholesome banner that it is and it’s heartening to see him hand over the directorial baton to the future of filmmaking in this country.

There’s his not-so-good side but overshadowing it is the brilliant side he’s revealed to us lately. A true-blue Gemini, wotsay?!?

Screw Dheela!

The debacle of Saawariya has indeed made the man a Baawariya! ๐Ÿ˜€ Who plants peacocks in the Rann of Kutch? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ True, Mr. SanjAESTHETIC Bhansali has a penchant for making every frame a visual treat, but peacocks in the middle of a stark desert?!? Really?!?

Furthermore, Bhansali has taken every conceivable liberty there is in his adaptation of Shakespeare’s classic. Now, don’t spill your coffee, but our desi RAMeo ekes out his living by running a…ahem… blue-film lending library!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ in the Raand of….oops Rann of Kutch! ๐Ÿ˜›

Leela, on the other hand, is easily the most wanton Juliet I have EVER seen! She just pounces on Ram and literally chews his lips off the FIRST time she sets eyes on him!!! Guys, any of you remember Claire Danes??? How innocent she seemed in every frame? How tentative and ‘sweet’ her kisses were? Leela seems like a pro(stitute) ๐Ÿ˜† in comparison. She caresses Ram’s butt and even makes out with him in his Hall of Shame! I thought she was trying to outperform every one of those girls in Ram’s disc collection. ๐Ÿ˜› Bhansali really should’ve roped in Sunny Leone to play Leela. The woman has the requisite expertise to pull off the raunchiness more convincingly and would have cut production costs considerably. ๐Ÿ˜†

SLB, in the future, must also remember to remunerate his dialogue writers more handsomely else there’s always the risk of his magnum opus passing off as a crude David Dhawan-esque sexfest. Leela actually quizzes Ram about ‘his size!’ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ No matter how horny one might be feeling, who in this day and age mouths lines like, ‘Green angoor aur peela kela!’ ๐Ÿ˜† Sheesh! Looks like Bhansali is desperate to get Ram’s lending library to circulate his semi-porn flick after all!

BELOW: Hey Ram!

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Shame Shame Poppy Shame!

Six years ago, the towel fell off. But before us besharam ladkis could so much as glimpse the crack, damned Mr. SanjAYESTHETIC ๐Ÿ™„ Leela Bhansali made the screen go BLACK! ๐Ÿ˜†

Six years later, Mr. Abhinav CRASSyap ๐Ÿ˜† gets Ranbir to apologize suitably by flashing ‘The Crack’ in between spouting wisecracks ๐Ÿ˜› I truly felt adequately compensated! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Moving over to my impressions on Besharam. It really felt like a vendetta of sorts with almost everyone seeming desperate to prove a point. Mr. Kashyap, heading the pack, is intent on robbin’ the thunder from our desi ROBIN Hood ๐Ÿ˜› Neetu Singh avenges the humiliation her real-life husband subjected her to. As Bulbul CHAUTALA, she publicly shames him for his erstwhile philandering and the resultant marital Gadbad GOTALAS! ๐Ÿ˜€ Ranbir is HAIR, THERE and EVERYWHERE. Hellbent on eradicating waxing altogether, RanBEER proudly displays his ‘MAN HAIR’! YEAAAAAHHHHH! Cheers to Man Hair! Park Avenue, you listening? ๐Ÿ˜†

Besharam really should have been titled JERRYAURTOM. It’s an abominable desi version of the evergreen cartoon series. Only here, the cat and mouse game is a huge shame. In keeping with the film’s title obviously! This film has no chance whatsoever of even standing outside the doors of Bollywood’s Hall of Fame!

Abhinav really should have planned this as a home video to pay tribute to the Kapoors instead of shamelessly hogging 3600 screens to torture the country along its length and breadth simultaneously. Pallavi Sharda ain’t made for the Bada PURDAH. The Kapoor trio buried the unsuspecting, and rather untalented, Australian import six feet DOWN UNDER and how! ๐Ÿ˜† Pandit’s music reminds one of Anuradha Paudwal’s T-Series bhajans. Hurry Home! ๐Ÿ˜†

All in all, Rum Peeke Seh Gaye Hum Besharam. Hail Old Monk! ๐Ÿ˜†
Some advice from the wise sage. This one you must bunk! ๐Ÿ˜€

BELOW: ‘I hereby declare that Mr. Anil Kapoor has always been my biological father.’- RK. ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†
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Shear DAAYAN-amite!

As I sat watching Ek Thi Daayan, I couldn’t help wondering what her journey from DOYEN to DAAYAN would be like. Transitioning from the measly 21cm to the massive 70mm, Ektaโ€™s would have been the most convincing of debuts in the history of B-Town. She does look like a witch and acts like a complete bitch, after all! ๐Ÿ˜›

See, I told ya! ๐Ÿ˜†

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Anyway, getting back to the movie.

Who names their kid Bobo? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ
That name was a BAFFLER alright! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

So baby Bobo from SoBo ๐Ÿ™„ is like the biggest dodo Iโ€™ve seen ๐Ÿ˜† His fears include:

โ€ข JAAL (the claustrophobic elevator that he believes descends beyond the ground floor into hell) ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

โ€ข BAAL (the Garnier long and strong choti of his wicked stepmom ๐Ÿ˜† For the benefit of us dim-witted audience, she has also conveniently been named DAAYAN-AA/ Diana) ๐Ÿ™„

โ€ข And PAAL (the slimy gecko this psycho thinks she metamorphoses into) ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

The fixation with the AALs continues into adulthood. Big Babol…oops…Bobo ๐Ÿ˜† fasaaos a MAAL in his pyaar ka JAAL ๐Ÿ˜‰ and the frisky couple also decide to cement their relationship by adopting a BAAL..this time it’s not the hair… :lol:….it’s a cutesy little baby bear!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Enter the tongue twister Kalki Koechlin ๐Ÿ˜† and all hell breaks loose. AAL izzzzz clearly not well! As sudden as lightning came the hallucinations, that made me go Hallelujah!!! The baffler had me so baffled by his weirdness that I had to tuck my lustrous long ponytail into my T-shirt for fear of having it chopped off! I mean, Mr. Amaron Kissme literally transformed into the Amaron Bunny, ๐Ÿ˜† chasing every woman he saw with a long choti with an even longer pair of kainchis ๐Ÿ˜† Tel endorsement deals gaye tel lene! ๐Ÿ˜€

The climax, as with all recent B-wood offerings, was the proverbial anticlimax. I wonโ€™t tell you who fuelled/ incensed whom and who duelled whom but if youโ€™ve ever seen a Ramsay climax, youโ€™ll find yourself appreciating it for its superb finesse ๐Ÿ˜†

Thereโ€™s always the good, the bad and the ugly in every film. Let’s dissect them slowly, one by one (in the perverse way that a Daayan relishes dissecting her victims :wink:)

The Good:

โ€ข About ten years ago, RGVโ€™s Bhoot had me jumping up every time my doorbell rang ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Thatโ€™s the power of a brilliantly-visualized and executed set. ETDโ€™s art direction is so damn eerie, the slithery lizards so frikkinโ€™ creepy, the claustrophobic elevator and spooky corridors so terrifyingly creaky and Konkonaโ€™s reptilian smile so bloody freaky, I swear Iโ€™m not trying to take your mickey! ๐Ÿ˜€

The Bad:

โ€ข The name Bobo suits a retarded baboon better ๐Ÿ˜† And every scare doesnโ€™t have to be a nightmare/ hallucination ๐Ÿ™„ We prefer the regular real-time scares, thank you!

The Ugly:

Once a hardcore critic of the Ramsay brothers and their brand of cinema, theyโ€™ve earned a diehard fan post this one ๐Ÿ˜†

In a nutshell, ETD isnโ€™t exactly path-breaking cinema but Iโ€™m glad it doesnโ€™t pander to the Hollywood scarefest syndrome either. Iโ€™m talking to you Saif!

Chudails and Daayans are a relatively virgin premise in B-town and kudos to the team of ETD for having the guts to make such a big-budget film on the subject. But a whole is always a sum of its parts. While there are an ample number of spectacular parts in the film, particularly in the first half, the second half has been designed to make you laugh ๐Ÿ˜† Hara-kiri or should I say HAIRY-kiri ๐Ÿ˜† in the case of a psycho-horror film!

Still worth a watch. Who knows? You may actually end up including it in your disc collection!

BELOW: Interesting trampoline this! ๐Ÿ˜†

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Saw Shit, Khan!

Dear SaSHIT Khan, ๐Ÿ˜€

I Saw SHIT the other day ๐Ÿ˜† and I’m PISSed! ๐Ÿ˜€ And no, it wasn’t a good Friday though it was! I wasn’t even close to thanking the Gods it was Friday!!! ๐Ÿ™„

After braving Himmatwala, I’m convinced you belong to the clan of non-competent directors. (READ Farah Con and Sheesh Bundar :lol:) That you hail from the same retarded family only adds more credence to my statement!

I won’t delve on the plot ๐Ÿ˜ฏ (any review normally demands this!!!) It requires real himmat to recap details of THE masterpiece of 2013!

Coming over to my thoughts on the film.

1. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the biggest bum of them all? Mirror: Obviously yaar, SaSHIT Khan! ๐Ÿ˜† Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the biggest bum of them all? Mirror: Satakli re satakli, aata maajhi satakli… ๐Ÿ˜† Again, Sajid!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Now you know who deserves the bum pe laat! But why Bum Pe Laat??? Did Gaand Pe Laat sound less sophisticated than the rest of your crapfest? ๐Ÿ™„

2. BAAGH-BAN: The ‘Save The Tiger’ campaign was conceived only because morons like your sister and yourself consistently use and repeatedly abuse the mighty beast in each of your highly forgettable flicks. You can be sure after watching the chronicles of the ‘Life of Ti’ in your flick ๐Ÿ˜€ Ang Lee’s gonna be very Ang ry! ๐Ÿ˜†

3. Why Himmatwala, you Dim-Mat(i)-wala? The 80s represent a terrible phase of Hindi cinema and Himmatwala-I is the most cringe-worthy film of that era. To put things in perspective, it’s like somebody remaking Aiyya 20 years hence!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

4. AJ=PJ!!!: It’s bad enough you’ve reduced my favorite hero to a distasteful PJ! ๐Ÿ˜€ What’s even worse is that you’ve timed the release of this mahadud on the eve of your hero’s happy budday.

Sajid (on the way to Ajay’s party): ‘Tohfa Tohfa Tohfa, laaya, laaya, laaya’…
Sajid (on his way back): ‘Laafa, laafa, laafa, paaya paaya, paaya’ :lol ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Himmatwala makes Housefull2 look like an Oscar-winner! You get the idea, right? With all your might, resist the urge to watch this one!!!

BELOW: Oh, what’s the point in playing the blame game now? ๐Ÿ™„

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When I raced outta da theater at 3G speed!

Who came up with the name 3G? And more importantly, why? Just to rhyme with Fiji, where the film has been shot? ๐Ÿ™„ That is plain sad!

Or is it a more convenient nickname for the protagonist who responds to three different names.
1. Neilji or rather NeilG
2. Nitinji / NitinG
3. Mukeshji/ MukeshG

๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Directors Sheershak Anand and Shantanu Ray Chhibber seem to be obsessed with the number 3 and Fiji. Table No. 21- their last directorial outing also adds up to 3!!! And that’s where most of us saw the exotic isle for the first time in our lives. I guess these two were in cost-cutting mode and shot both movies back-to-back…same locale, same premise…and the same idiot- ME- sat through both duds! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Is there a third horror waiting to be unleashed on us, given their penchant for the numeral? ๐Ÿ˜‰

When the promos of 3G first hit the air, I was convinced it was the poor desi cousin of ‘One Missed Call’. Both flicks belong to the same genre, the mobile phone is crucial in both cases…you get the connection, right? 3G notwithstanding ๐Ÿ˜‰ That, thankfully, is not the case.

3G is like no other horror film youโ€™ve seen, in Bollywood or elsewhere. And I donโ€™t mean that in a good way! Even the Ramsay comedies fare much better in comparison to this insipid bhootfest.

A testosterone-ridden hero who canโ€™t keep his hands off his girl jumps into the ocean with her (and every conceivable place there is on the island) to satisfy his lust. Then the daft punk realizes his mobile has slid to the depths of the azure Fijian waters and happily trots off to buy a second-hand phone!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

Who, in this day and age, buys a second-hand 3G โ€“enabled phone???!!!???? Fiji mein chutti manaate manaate sirf chutta paisa bach gaya tha that you had to settle for a used phone? ๐Ÿ˜†
And come to think of it, he should have bought a 3rd-hand mobile phone? That would ring in the number 3 reference brilliantly ๐Ÿ˜›

SPOILER ALERT AHEAD

Anyway, a vicious bhoot resides in the cellular world who is desperate to communicate her โ€˜dukhdasโ€™ with the outside world and she’d like to avenge her death by bumping innocent couples off. So, she hurls a football at NNM when he seems more engrossed in a football match on his phone and is in no mood to lend her an ear ๐Ÿ˜† Or she pops up when everyoneโ€™s eyes are about to pop out by the brazen lovemaking scenes between the leads.

There was A LOT of making out in the film, again in 3 different styles! ๐Ÿ˜€
1. Leisurely and romantic.
2. Frenzied and animal-like and
3. Satanic and repulsive.

๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

The intimacy is what irks our bhootni. So, considering how many romps there are through the film, you know she’s one mighty pissed-off aatma ๐Ÿ˜›
A little background on her: She used to be a porn-star, not half as hot as apni Sunny Leone, ๐Ÿ˜‰ who had kept her profession hidden from her puritan and very paagal scientist BF, who was on a mission of using 3G technology to communicate with the netherworld ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

One day, Iโ€™m assuming, he must have used the internet to surf some adult sites, like the typical double-standard-walla man. Not so puritan after all, eh? ๐Ÿ˜‰ The shock of seeing his own girl in high SPIRITS, making merry with everyone but him, made him go balllistic and the rest is His(piri)tory ๐Ÿ˜†

Sonal Chauhan made the men in the theater ogle and their jaws drop so low, I couldnโ€™t tell who freaked me out more ๐Ÿ˜€ Just when the well-meaning me was trying to tweet a heads-up, the real 3G connection on my phone sputtered and died. I recognized it as an omen begging me to walk out on the absurd reelwaala 3G, race outside at 3G Usha Speed ๐Ÿ˜† and save as many unsuspecting souls (pun intended) from this mindless torture.

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Kaay Show Che!

A portly gentleman seated next to me in the theater wondered aloud why B-Town was consistently paying tributes only to stories of friendships between men. I was itching to say,

A happy and GAY industry we are ๐Ÿ˜‰ hence the abundance of male-bonding flicks- DCH, Rock On!, Dostana, ZMND, SOTY, Kai Po Che ๐Ÿ˜†

Anyway, the lights dimmed, the curtains rose and we froze ๐Ÿ˜† into statues, the National Anthem playing in the background and all ๐Ÿ˜€ I am feeling mighty giddy-headed today ๐Ÿ˜€

Kai Po Che…Ah! I should say Kai Show Che! ๐Ÿ˜€
Wow! The anthem really is having an effect on my choice of words, linguistic integration and all ๐Ÿ˜†

For once, I didn’t see any glossy sets, flashy Armanis, swanky wheels, more layers of facial greasepaint than those of an onion :lol:, women retiring to bed as though they have to attend the Big Fat Indian Wedding in their dreams ๐Ÿ˜† OTT overacting…

I saw you and me in Kai Po Che…simple normal people with no pretensions whatsoever, living in matchbox homes that are begging for a fresh coat of paint, surrounded by noisy gullis and dusty maidans…I truly felt at home watching Kai Po Che…pun intended ๐Ÿ˜‰

Coming to the performances, Manav/ Ishaan is the the dashing gully cricketer in KPC, so I’ll talk in the language he speaks. I was clean-bowled by his debut act. He’s like those Amol Palekar and Farook Shaikh types. Easy to dismiss off at first glance, but when they get down to doing what they’re supposed to do on screen, you’ll want to worship the ground they walk on!

CHHAKAAs performance ๐Ÿ˜› The only googly was his dialogue delivery. It was hard enough following the gibberish he spouted in Pavitra Rishta when he got mad ๐Ÿ˜€ He gets mad, A LOT, in Kai Po Che and drove me mad by forcing me to figure out what he just said ๐Ÿ˜†

Amit Sadh looks (Seedha) Sadha ๐Ÿ˜€ perfect to portray a deferring Omi. But the beguiling debutant pitches in a rocker-of-a-climax and in the end, that’s what matters.

Raj Kumar Yadav must have been the seasoned pro out of the lot. And it shows! Like Midas, whatever he has starred in has turned to gold and Kai Po Che should be no different!

‘REAL’ ….that’s the key word! Everything about KPC is just that! The director has exposed relationships as we know them to be in ‘real’ life- IMPERFECTLY PERFECT!

You’ll find glimpses of temperaments that we love and hate, ambitions we have nursed and destroyed (willingly or unwillingly), disappointments we have suffered and braved, hurt we have died of (at least it seemed like that at first) but then bounced back from, revenge that has consumed us and liberated us …there’s no doctoring and diluting of stuff in KPC to come up with that happy ending.

Kai Po Che is slice-of-life cinema at its best!

Murder 3- Topmost on my mind!

I’d like to Murder 3. Mahesh, Mukesh and the latest BHATThole, Vishesh! ๐Ÿ˜†

This family of directors and producers has been recycling global cinema for us for over a decade and the only thing ‘new’ about their ventures is the foot-tapping music they include …whose strains Pritam churaos from some obscure corner of the world …..so, 200/10 for plagiarism it is! ๐Ÿ™„

It really makes no difference if either of the H’s (Hooda or Hashmi) essays the part of the lead. It also makes no difference which leaden doll is roped in to provide the USP of the film- fullblown titillation. The end will always be too slick, too clever and too radical. That’s when that gong should sound loud and clear in your head. B-town will always be light years away from such earth-shattering climaxes! ๐Ÿ˜†

Do yourself a favor. Catch The Hidden Face instead. And then tell me if you don’t feel like kicking them butts…oops Bhatts! ๐Ÿ˜€

P.S. Just a few days ago Chacha Mahesh was singing praises of his nephew saying that Vishesh likes thinking out of the box. What the lad is is he’s one clever fox! ๐Ÿ˜† He hasn’t even exercised a single grey cell to come up with a killer promotional poster. Check it out below. Tell me, when did cut-copy-paste become so ‘vishesh’ to be shamelessly lauded by our papers?

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Not entirely rubbish, this Special Chhabees!

Last when I checked, the sexiest con artist there is on this planet, needed just 13 men to help him pull off a daring heist.

Apna toh Bollywood hai where more is merrier. So our desi Looney ๐Ÿ˜› enlists the help of an entire OCEAN of men ๐Ÿ˜† 26 to be precise, none as delicious as their Hollywood counterparts, to be immortalized for executing Mumbai’s most daring daylight burglary.

Neeraj Pandey certainly is no believer of Christ and follower of Gandhi ๐Ÿ˜‰ An eye for an eye is more his style, evident when Naseer gives terrorists a dose of their own medicine in A Wednesday and Akki raids the coffers of the corrupt in Special 26. Since both issues are irksome to the aam aadmi and also the law and justice dispensing machinery abominable, no wonder there was plenty of taali bajaaoing and seethi maraaoing in the theater! ๐Ÿ˜†

Pandeyji has splendidly slipped back into time and the characters have effortlessly adopted the ‘look’ and mannerisms of the Eighties. The heists truly orgasmic ๐Ÿ˜› the performances stellar, the dialogues tongue-in-cheek, attention to the minutest of details brilliant…except maybe the haphazardly-painted green wall that had the herculean task of passing off as the Arabian Sea! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

The only real nit to pick is the love angle. You don’t always have to feel sorry for your lead appearing celibate on screen ๐Ÿ™„

SRK delivered possibly his career’s finest without a love interest in Chak De.

As is God’s style, Akshay managed the show single-handedly, with great aplomb, in OMG. Had they included ‘Gopis’ serenading him in every frame ๐Ÿ˜ฏ like they did in some of his highly forgettable flicks like Desi Boyz and Garam Masala ๐Ÿ™„ then that would count as a truly OMG! moment! ๐Ÿ˜€

Naseer didn’t need a mature lady friend like the Shabana Azmi types to propel his ingenious plan or to deliver a rousing speech on his behalf.

To cut a long story short, I don’t think Kajal Aggarwal belonged in Special 26…or anywhere else! ๐Ÿ˜€ Her ‘loud’ presence eclipsed even Bajirao Singham’s menacing roar ๐Ÿ˜† and even made ‘bhaji’ of his tremendous screen presence ๐Ÿ˜†

The climax of Special 26 was not hard-to-see coming, a trifle absurd too, but for once, the film’s strengths are plentiful and the flaws few. That alone makes it a decent one-time watch!

The man made us wait and wait hard. 4 years is a helluva lot of time to come up with an ‘inspired’ script. But sabar ka phal meetha tha isliye….

Pandey ke liye hum bajaayenge seethi, haan bajaayenge seethi ๐Ÿ˜‰

An Eye for an Eye just for Damin-I

She went to watch the Life of Pi
Little did she know that itโ€™d cause her to die
For lurking in the shadows were wolves so sly
They beat the life out of her and made her cry
She must have questioned, โ€˜Why me God, why?โ€™
She never did get a reply.

As a nation, all we are doing is sigh
Letting the tears on our cheeks dry
As we listen to those babus spinning a lie
While all the time weโ€™d like to see the culpritsโ€™ asses fry
Thereโ€™s always a first time, so we should give it a try
And this will be independent Indiaโ€™s first real high.