This one is on ma mind Knight & Day!

Individually, when seen on their own, I detest Katrina and will continue to do so, Jab Tak Hain Jaan, for her pathetic acting chops ๐Ÿ˜‰ and Hrithik for perpetually looking like a chiseled mutton chop ๐Ÿ˜†

Together, the two couldn’t work their magic on me in Chikni Chameli and Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara couldn’t tempt me to catch it Dobara! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Somehow, these two seem to have gotten lucky the third time around. With the golden highlights bouncing off his luscious curls, Indian women can finally be blinded and bedazzled by their very own Made-In-India Simon Baker. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I’m sure on waking up each morning, Kat looks the way I look after slathering on layers of greasepaint for a grand wedding reception. Prepped and primed for a shot, she undoubtedly looks like a goddess! These two look so scorching-hot in Bang Bang, I’m already imagining how cute their babies would be! ๐Ÿ˜‰

The trailers promise high-octane action. If you recall, so did those of Dhoom! ๐Ÿ™„ I remember guffawing and swearing the loudest and even hurling popcorn at Aamir’s face as he regaled? his fans with the most laughable stunts of the millennium! Indeed, that movie spelt DOOM DOOM for the genre. ๐Ÿ˜† Fingers crossed Hrithik doesn’t make us HANG HANG our heads in shame! ๐Ÿ˜‰

I quite like the music. Each song has been steadily growing on me. A very casual, clubby feel emanates from the dance tracks. Something light and airy that I can play on my IPod. Something that isn’t designed to bring on a monster-migraine-attack like that hideous snakecharmer’s composition- Malang Malang! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜€ The videos of BB are shot stylishly, the leads look like a million bucks in their crisply- tailored attire and everything seems so well put together. Let’s hope we get the maximum BANG for our bucks. Make that BANGBANG for our bucks!

Ta Da! Face-Off Time Guys!

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TRIPE OF INDIA

So, for those of you who are on Pluto and havenโ€™t caught a whiff of the Deepika Padukone Vs ToI Tiff, hereโ€™s what transpired between the warring factions on Twitter Sunday last.

Indiaโ€™s leading house of journalism, having nothing more newsworthy to publish, decided to spice up their website with stock footage of Dips in a blouse with a dipping neckline. Creative huh? ๐Ÿ™„ And the headline they came up with simply is the proverbial cherry on the icing!โ€˜OMG! Deepika Padukoneโ€™s Cleavage Show!!!โ€™ WOW! SIMPLY WOW! (Saif Ali Style ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

Miss Fanny, who Iโ€™ve always thought is diplomacy personified, has kicked ToI smack on its fanny and how!

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To which the ToI came back with the mother of all retorts!

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๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

Iโ€™ve been following the ensuing brouhaha where the entire film fraternity and rival news publications are lauding Dips for taking on such an established and powerful news syndicate by its horns. And then there are some, like the ditzy Pooja Bedi, who are milking this issue dry with the hopes of receiving a fat raise. Such loyalty towards the employer I tell you! Padhke aankh mein aasu aa gaye! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Personally, I fully understand why the TOI has to resort to such drastic measures to ensure they stay visible. Even though they source the most premium quality of paper to print their “news” on, the final product is still way inferior to the tissue roll hanging in my toilet! ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜† Didnโ€™t Ranbir Kapoor say something to the same effect once? Atta Boy! ๐Ÿ˜›

I never thought that day would arrive but it has. Todayโ€™s Bombay Times is noticeably voluminous than the main newspaper (Considering the trashy Mirror as an appendage) There are sexperts like Mahinder Watsa, who in my opinion, is the greatest Indian inventor (of sexual fiction) of all time! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† This detailed and rather disgusting query had me ditching my morninโ€™ cuppa for good. Read it at your own risk! ๐Ÿ˜‰

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Years ago, the collegian in me witnessed Mid Day to be a best seller in the Gentsโ€™ Compartment. No, no, I wasnโ€™t the fly on the wall there! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜€ Itโ€™s just that the vendor would enter with an armload of Mid-Days that would sell like hotcakes and then enter the ladiesโ€™ compartment with the insipid Afternoon D&C, whose crosswords reaffirmed โ€˜Haan main paanchvi paas se bahut zyaada tez hoon!โ€™ ๐Ÿ˜† If Mid-Day symbolized the raunchy mate, from now on, ToI will be synonymous with voyeuristic porn.

Oops pics might titillate and be enjoyed by a few but for the larger majority, they are a major put-off. If you own such a large database of pictures that debase, by all means come out with a PlayTOI for the horny few. ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜† But then you shouldn’t portray yourself to be a crusader of women’s rights. What’s the grand idea in talking about mahila shakti on Pages 1 and 2 and then giving us a glimpse of Aliaโ€™s chaddi, when her skirt accidentally rode up during a promotional event, on Page 3. That makes you the worst kind of hypocrite there ever is! ๐Ÿ™„

When you take a stand, I think it is representative of your entire conglomerate. So was Arnab’s condemning and crucifying Nirbhayaโ€™s heinous rapists just a farce? Or was she spared from such humiliating objectification just because she didn’t have a wow cleavage a la Miss Padukone?

Getting back to dips,The ToI might have showed us her cleavage but the girl showed us she’s got balls! As Alia puts it so succinctly,

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Iโ€™m euphoric you’ve finally got what was coming to you, you Tribe of Idiots (ToI)! ๐Ÿ˜† And hereโ€™s a little treat from the far-superior Hindu to buoy that euphoria a little more. Enjoy!

There’s KOMthing about Mary!

When Holiday released, the only clue that tipped me off about SonHATHI being a boxer were her bright neon XXXL BOXERS! ๐Ÿ˜† So badly has the daughter of KHAMOSH sullied a boxing great’s image, Laila Ali must have definitely fallen BEHOSH ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

MC Mary Kom certainly won’t go into a KOMA ๐Ÿ˜† when she watches her biopic.

The story of Mary Kom- The Film tries hard to trace the life-story of Mary Kom- The Legend. Of her impoverished upbringing in an obscure Manipuri household, of her frugal education, of her fractured relationship with a conservative father, of the simmering anger within her, of her belligerent foray into a sport as intense and brutal as boxing, of her rise to fame and the subsequent bleakness of anonymity brought on by marriage and motherhood, and finally of her determination to redeem herself as one of Asia’s formidable pugilists.

Phew! Quite a commendable journey that! But Mr. SLB (Sanjay Leela Bhansali) insists on behaving like a SOB! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜† He liberally peppers fact with fiction. We want an unadulterated BIOPIC Mr. Bhansali. We never desired to BUY-YOUR-FIC(tion) ๐Ÿ˜‰

The young Mary Kom, testosterone-ridden to the point of beating the shit outta every boy in Manipur, has been shown to join the sport only to give direction to the anger consuming her. Man(i)pur ki Man-eater, eh? ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜†
In reality, Kom took up boxing after being heavily inspired by another boxing luminary, Dingko Singh.

Which makes me wonder if SLB has shown Kom sharing such an uneasy equation with her father, just for the sake of melodrama. The real Papa Kom might have forbidden his daughter from taking up the sport as it would mar her pretty face and make her SCARY Kom instead ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† which in turn would derail her chances of finding marriage alliances. But I’m not so sure if he was completely in the dark and learnt of his daughter’s advent into the sport only through the tabloids! I mean who does that, besides Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, breaking the news of her breakup to Vivek Oberoi in the TOI? ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜†

Before painting Papa Kom as a monster, SLB should have paused to reflect that woh ugaata hai Chaawal, ukhaadta nahi hai like the villainous Paresh Rawal! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

And I can bet my bottom dollar that Papa didn’t scream ATTACK! sitting in his living room for Mary to hear thousands of miles away that propelled her to deliver that winning blow! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Sheesh! Aaj kal tadka gravies mein hi nahi, biographies mein bhi daalne lage hai! ๐Ÿ˜†

As if this wasn’t enough, there are plenty of product endorsements we must silently endure. Was Mankind’s Prega News Home Pregnancy Test available at the beginning of mankind ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† considering Kom had her bonny boys close to a decade ago? ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜€ We are enlightened to the fact that Havmor ice-cream was her craving and are given a quick lesson in patriotism when the camera pans in on Tata Salt in her pantry. Aakhir Kom ne desh ka namak jo khaaya hai! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

Piggy Chops packs in quite a punch. After subtracting 1 point for her fake Manipuri accent (which sounded more like my Gurkha’s Nepalese btw ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† – Aai Shalaam Shaaib, tumrah bocha aaj khelne ko aaya nahi neeche) ๐Ÿ˜† performance-wise, she stands neck-to-neck with her unbeatable Jhilmil. From now on, she’s officially Piggy BOX! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Pee Cee’s spirited act is the only redeeming feature of this feature film. Sadly, that’s just what it is. An act. However superb! Wish they’d scratched beyond the surface of Mary Kom’s brawn. Woh toh already Wiki pe text form mein available hai FOR FREE! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Now here are some pics that speak volumes about the real Mary Kom. Enjoy!

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The Ultimate KUTTI Party

As I sat watching Entertainment, I couldn’t help thinking Vidya has some serious competition from a ‘Baal’an of the canine kind ๐Ÿ˜† Sajid-Farhad’s latest is testament enough that Filmein bas teen cheezon se chalti hain. Entertainment, Entertainment aur Entertainment. Amen! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Critics might be hell-bent on shoving the Golden Kela down the Golden Retriever’s throat but honestly, just like the shade of his lush coat, he simply is the brightest spot in the film.

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Akshay who plays Akhil Lokhande really should have been named ‘Nakal’ POORkhande ๐Ÿ˜† He’s spoofing fat guys on a Teleshopping Channel. Think the former Adnan Sami types, replete with 36B boobs and all! He even tempts a baby to latch on!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† He also masquerades as an umpire in a Borivali-Dombivali league match ๐Ÿ˜† and shows the players the finger one too many times just so that he can quickly escape and make it in time for that date.

His girlfriend, Saakshi, the over-enthusiastic soapstress, is dubbed Balaji ki Chulbullu. It’s a good thing she didn’t approach Kapil for a part. Acting chops as hammy as hers, he’d be sure to give her a humongous Babaji ka Thullu! ๐Ÿ˜€

Chakravarthi acts like a CHAKRAMvarthi ๐Ÿ˜† The miserly father buys furniture with arm rests and other vital parts missing simply because they’re cheaper! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Here too, he’s in full DID mode. DIE IN DARKNESS! ๐Ÿ˜† He makes do with candlelight just so that others don’t discover the flaws and poke fun at his FUNiture. ROFL! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† He refuses to give his daughter’s hand in marriage to Akhil POORkhande.

As luck would have it, Akhil’s the DNA of Pannalal Johri, Bangkok’s noted diamond merchant, DNA being Daddy’s Naajayaz Aulaad! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Johri dies, leaving behind an empire worth 3000 crores. Off trots Akhil to the land of tuk tuks to lead a life of sukh sukhs. Alas! In store lie only dukh dukhs. For the oldie bequeathed his estate to someone who does buk buks! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† Slumdog millionaire indeed! ๐Ÿ˜†

In walks Akhil’s bestie, Jugnu, a DVD peddler who talks filmy. Sample this. ‘Akhil, yaar mujhe pata hai ki tera khoon Danny BOYLE ho raha hai. Tujhe agar apna future hrithik ROSHAN chahiye, toh TIGER shroff ban, ajay devGUN nikaal aur us kameene kutte KO MAAR mere Akshay Kumar!!!’ The two invest in a book describing (hilarious) methods to do away with the dog but it’s fun watching Entertainment turn the tables on the duo.

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One chapter’s titled Seduction and they almost succeed in getting the dog to elope with a rather brazen bitch. But curiosity gets the better of them and tempts them to follow the dogs deep into the woods. One misstep has Akhil slipping off the branch of a tree and landing headfirst into a hollow log. I almost peed laughing when Jugnu leaned against the same log, crying his eyes out at the failure of finding his lost friend! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Johnny Lever, as Johri’s loyal lawyer, is first rate. Named Habibullah, he’s rather touchy about anyone getting his name wrong. So you can imagine when he glides into the frame in a gondola at night hoping to scare the goons and they mistake him for and call him GORILLA, he almost gives himself away trying to correct the error. ROFL! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Another brilliant moment is towards the climax when Jugnu and Habibullah chance upon a set of knives and decide to strike the goons with them. But Jugnu’s faulty aim sees the knives flying in reverse and lodging themselves in Habibullah! Numbed with pain and shock, Habibullah stumbles jerkily into the street and peddles the knives. ‘Lelo bhai lelo, dus mein lelo. Pandhra mein lelo’ ROFL! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

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If you can forgive the frenzied Priyadarshan-style ending, where everyone is hitting everyone, the yawn-inducing villains, and some slapstick comic moments like a dog biting the villain’s crotch, you just might end up with this one in your collection like me.

Dumb and HUMPer!

My lil tyke’s latest obsession is mobile phones. After dunking my husband’s Note in a bucketful of water, those cheap, China-made plastic mobiles you get outside Borivli station are the closest he’ll ever get to a cellphone! ๐Ÿ˜† Anyway, the first one we got him was a sleek BlackCherry!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† He’s currently on his Naakia LOO-MEIN-AAA!!!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

I find the names of these fakes highly amusing. Simply love the names they’re saddled with. EyeFone, Phony, Adidos..hell, even Yike! ๐Ÿ˜†

Humpty Sharma ki Dulhaniya (HSKD) is one such fake that felt more like an insult than a tribute to the evergreen romance story that is DDLJ. Debutant director Khaitan’s name itself is testament enough that he’s a massive PANKHA of the greatest love story of our times but my shanka of him butchering it beyond redemption proved to be true.

OK, so there’s dumb Alia from Ambala ๐Ÿ˜† who’ll settle for nothing less than a Manish Malhotra-designed-lehenga for her impending wedding. We’re told it costs a full five lakhs, the value obviously lost on Alia! Check it out:

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Off she trots to the capital with the capital in hand in pursuit of a lehenga but instead, ends up nanga! ๐Ÿ˜› So much for blowing up five lakhs on a lehenga! ๐Ÿ™„

Saari life besharmi ki heights, Ek Tu, Ek Main aur Ho dim dim yeh lights would make for the perfect background score for HUMPty BESHARM(a) takes his name rather literally! ๐Ÿ˜› After deflowering every filly in Dilli, he sets his sights on this exotic Ambala ki kali. Everyone knows that the smart-allecky gimmicks will eventually lead to a sizzling kiss. After all, Alia Emraan Hashmi aka non-stop smooch karnewala Amaron Kissme ki behen jo thehri! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜† Par jaise powder ke saath tikiya free aur toothpaste ke saath toothbrush free milta hai, yahaan smooch ke saath bahut koooch mila dekhne ko! ๐Ÿ˜†

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After kahi saari suhaag raatein, Alia leaves to get married to Sid aka Shiv from Balika Vadhu! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Dhawan follows hoping to be THE ONE. Masquerading as a waiter, he dies by day. His reward? DO by night! ๐Ÿ˜› This movie indeed is a ROM(P)COM! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Remember Lajja Shankar, the maniacal, fanatical villain from Sangharsh? (Coincidentally Alia played a young Zinta in that film) Brace yourselves, guys! He’s Alia’s baoji in the film. The director should have named him Lajja here cuz that’s exactly what he feels when he catches HUMPty Dumpty SITTING ON HIS DOLL!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

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Baoji here is a softer-hearted version of the kadak Puri Raj couldn’t bite through in DDLJ. He promises Varun Alia’s hand in marriage if he can find one flaw in Sid. But Shiv, like his mythological namesake is perfect, having it all! Here’s what happens next:

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Sid is flabbergasted, but decides to give his alliance with Alia one last shot. He catches up with her in the sarson ka khet…the one she’s watering on Farmville!!! Excerpts from their conversation:

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Sid decides to try a different tack.

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Not the one to accept defeat, Sid decides to go easy on Alia and ask her some basic G.K. questions.

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Just then, Varun strides in so Sid decides to grill them both.

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Sid runs for his life. With Alia’s father’s blessings, of course! ๐Ÿ˜†

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Meanwhile, the two fools pledge their stupidity to each other for life among other things. They come home to Baoji to receive his blessings. Here’s what the newly-weds are gifted:

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THE END (THANK GOD!!!)

The Korean CHORean!

Given the rate at which the Suris and Bhatts of this world ‘MURDER’ unsuspecting Korean flicks- Coincidence they have a ‘Murder’ franchise?! ๐Ÿ˜† I wouldn’t be surprised if our chinky-eyed brethren decide to stick churis up their butts! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

This time around, the Korean CHORean ๐Ÿ˜† has rifled through his humongous South-East-Asian DVD collection yet again! In the process of toning down the gore, the Cut-Copy-Paste specialist has transformed a classic into an absolute bore! Ek Villain is pure tripe- terribly watered-down and pathetically farcical!

A look at the main characters:

Shraddha Kaoor as Ayesha. However, looking at her antics, I think she was still playing Aarohi FIRKI ๐Ÿ˜†

Sid MalHOTra as Guru. Way to go boy! From Student of the Year less than two years ago to Guru! Impressive!!! ๐Ÿ˜†

Riteish Deshmukh as Rakesh/ Rakshas Mahadkar

Aamna Sharif– Biwi kam, greedy zyaada. Not so sharif after all! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Let’s start with the girl I love to hate! ๐Ÿ˜‰ You didn’t think you could steal ARK from me and earn bouquets too, eh Shraddha? ๐Ÿ˜›

Scene 1: At Aarohi Shirke aka Aayesha’s adda.

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Yaaaaaaaaaa….Nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!! AAAOOOOOOOOOOOOch!!!! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Looks like it indeed was a good screw! ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Scene 2: In the Mahadkars’ kholi.

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Scene 3: Rakesh with the ultimate misogynist Kamaal R Khan at the pool.

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Scene 4: Guru moping at home.

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Scene 5: Now Guru miraculously chances upon Rakesh’s son in a church, telltale chakri in tow.

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Scene 6: Guru tails the cheeky lad who leads him (inadvertently) to his father. Each time Rakesh descends on his prey, Guru gets in the way.

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Scene 7: Frustrated, Rakesh tries to seek solace in a dance bar.

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In his drunken stupor, Rakesh is unaware that Guru shoves a GPS tracker up his arse. The graphics are a little too vivid for me to post them up here! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜†

Scene 8: Later, that night at the Mahadkar residence. Mrs. Mahadkar rustles up an explosive dish. Daliya garnished liberally with Farty Aaloos. (humming softly) Meri daliya, daliya meri daliya, tujhe tadpaaye daliya meri daliya ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜†

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The next morning, the tracker flew with a great velocity… and landed close to where Rakesh PAADHkar was squatting! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

On the railway tracks, of course!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

A sequel awaits! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

THE Nose!

Aapro Hee-mes Besharmiya ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜† is back with a bang! The bang being the sound of my forehead against the wall ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

It would seem that Mr. Jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none’s role in The Xpose was tailor-made for him. An ex-cop turned Southern superstar who’s set his sights on Bollywood, Ravi Kumar’s persona is a troubling mishmash of Jaani’s arrogance, Rajini’s flamboyance and Big B’s vengeance! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Even a cocktail has fewer ingredients! ๐Ÿ˜†

But the big cock that Besharmiya is, he shamelessly got the director to add one more facet to his character: Sherlock Holmes’ intelligence!!! ๐Ÿ™„

He tries too hard to pass off as a sleuth. Instead, with the mind-boggling lines he mouths, he comes across as a Ch#*@!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Don’t believe me? Here’s how he advertises his celibacy.
โ€˜Ravi Kumar bistar mein neend ke alawa kuch nahi leta.โ€™ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Bed tea ya kambal bhi nahi kya? ๐Ÿ˜›

When he’s being a bad-ass and beating the shit outta people, he says something to the effect of tumhaare ragon mein daudnewaala khoon mere moot se kam hain!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Sheesh!

Set in the sinful sixties, B-towners are portrayed as an insecure, scheming, and promiscuous lot. As a much-married music composer, Yo Yo Honey Singh seems to yo yo between the pretties like a bunny in heat. While that may not be so far removed from reality, The Xpose shamelessly stereotypes. Predictably, it’s the aspiring Catholic actress who’s made to be the slut, the one without aatm sammaan. A la Zeenat Aman, she flaunts her…ahem…saamaan! ๐Ÿ˜› The other newbie is Chandni, a clean baabdi (think Parveen Babi)! No prizes for guessing whom the hero will take home to his Amma ๐Ÿ™„

Anyway, the bad apple falls faster and harder than Newton’s apple from the Teesri Manzil? at an awards after-party where Yo Yo Honey Singh-er’s ‘After party’ and the whole skeleton jig would have made a whole lot of sense. That of course doesn’t happen. What follows will make you wrinkle your nose in disgust.

I shit you not, but the nasal wonder uses HIS NOSE!!! to sniff out the killer in this whodunit. There seems to be no other plausible explanation of how he could crack this baffler!

The nose is undoubtedly Besharmiya’s prized asset and he uses it to the maximum in The Xpose by poking his nose in others’ affairs! ๐Ÿ˜†

Even if you get free tickets for this one, just politely say NAAK-aa! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

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Image Credit: http://www.afterpackup.com

Heartening MyQueen!

Lightning McQueen, take a backseat! Queen is all everyone at home wants to watch these days. Never mind that the pirated print looks more like the handiwork of a Parkinson patient ๐Ÿ˜† it’s a blessed relief to finally be free of all the droning and the moaning (when McQueen loses ya!) and my surreptitious yawning! ๐Ÿ˜›

Queen is such an uplifting film. And no! I’m not at all referring to the effect of Lisa Haydon’s charms on the menfolk! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜€

Queen plots how a naive girl from Karol Baugh metamorphoses into a Vaagh ๐Ÿ˜† Vaagh Bakri Chai would have been the perfect brand partner for this film! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

The virginal daughter of a simple Halwai, Rani’s choices in life, right from her all-concealing pastel sweaters to her choice of var (groom), are essentially goody-good and safe, all stamped with parental approval. So when she’s dumped rather unceremoniously at the altar, she understandingly mopes and then elopes! With the blessings of her family ( Jaa Rani jaa, jee le apni zindagi),ย  she embarks on her honeymoon alone! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Three cheers for behenji who’s no more in the mood to do hainji hainji ๐Ÿ˜€

From forging an unlikely friendship with a woman whose sexual partners are as numerous as the motifs on her kurtis to sharing a room with three (extremely adorable) men in the sin capital of the world, thoroughly enjoying a pole-dancing escapade to pulling off an energetic Amaron Kissme …whoops…Emraan Hashmi ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† on a devilishly-cute Italian chef, Rani’s choices can best be described as risquรฉ. And Risky Rani is so much fun!

She makes a Parisian mugger look like a chhakka ….uske chhakke jo udaa diye ๐Ÿ˜† She introduces French Toast to the French ๐Ÿ˜ฏ , drives for the first time in her life, that too right-handed! Jaise daaye…oops..baaye haath ka khel ho! ๐Ÿ˜‰ She buys souvenirs from Kink Kong ๐Ÿ˜ฏ leather straps and booby traps…oops caps ๐Ÿ˜› her gol gappas wreak total siyappa in their tummies ๐Ÿ˜† yet the goras clamor for more and to symbolize that her life is truly rocking, she ends her Dutch sojourn by attending a rock show!

What an enlightening, enriching and liberating film! Though Vijay the pishe ๐Ÿ˜† insenstively blew her off from his life like he thoughtlessly blew off the powdery dust that fell off from her bridal mehndi in the coffee shop, Rani knows she owes her new-found confidence and self-worth to her MCP fiancรฉ. Her extremely mature break-up while genuinely thanking him for redefining her life by his callousness is by far the sweetest cherry on any cake I’ve ever eaten!ย  No scheming, plotting, badle ki aag seene mein jalna and all that…Ah! Refreshing!!!

Queen is like a Rapidex crash course in all these important lessons of life.

A. You don’t need a man to complete your world. Mard, more often than not, is the root cause of all sardard. Use sparingly. ๐Ÿ˜†

B. Always, always, always remember to:

Love Thyself.

Not vainly, but sanely ๐Ÿ˜‰

A honeymoon is essentially a love holiday, so why not use it to love ourselves even if there’s no one to fawn over us? We’re worth it no? ๐Ÿ˜‰

C. Live life King-size. Or Queen-size! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Hum jeete hain ek baar, marte hain ek baar, do it all before your life is kaabaar! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

D. Sometimes the wrong train…in Rani’s case, the wrong plane, ๐Ÿ™‚ takes you to the right place. All we have to do is keep an open mind and let life happen.

E. No good has ever come from frowning at or fighting fate. Rani discovered that prostitutes and pole-dancers aren’t all that different from the rest of us. On second thoughts, well, maybe they are. They at least have hearts of gold! But had she to hold on steadfastly to her conservative and puritan views, she’d never have discovered the good side of these characters whom we are quick to saddle with the ‘questionable’ tag.

F. There exists only one universal language. It’s called L.O.V.E. Even if everyone’s breaking out in tongues a la The Pentecost ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† this language transcends all barriers and binds hearts like no other. It’s what helped Rani sympathize with the sorrow of her orphaned Japanese buddy, identify the loneliness consuming her socially-overactive Indo-French friend and empathize with the choices the Dutch prostitute made.

G. Learn to move on. To the next chapter in life. Every page holds promise. Rani broke out of her cocoon in Paris but she actually sprouted wings and became the irresistible butterfly that she did in Amsterdam. And to think she was contemplating canceling the Dutch leg of her trip!

And lastly, as painful as it sounds:

H. All good things have to come to an end. Assimilate all the love, all the memories, everything else you’ve gained from the life-altering experience and your life will automatically assume a magical hue.

I’m sure Rani lived happily ever after….That’s the only way the story of this gutsy Queen could go!

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Lips Don’t Lie!

Anushka Sharma’s revamped honth made me go loth poth! ๐Ÿ˜† I mean, even Kapil would stop ridiculing the nakli Mrs. Sharma if he saw the asli Miss Sharma’s puckers.

Now, apni Anushka is crazy about bats and men wielding crick(et) bats ๐Ÿ˜› but brickBATS she never bargained for! She still vehemently denies going under the knife and wonders why things have ‘Blown Out Of Proportion’. We’re thinking the same thing too! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Her manager has pointed fingers at a lip plumper as the rogue product in her vanity case!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ That seals the fate of a burgeoning (pun intended!) 500-crore-worth industry! ๐Ÿ˜‰

I remember a statement, just as preposterous, issued years ago by Kangana Ranaut. When asked why her lips were suddenly looking fuller, ย she pinned the blame squarely on….I shit you not!…TIGER PRAWNS!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Me thinks the ‘Tiger’ was the culprit alright ๐Ÿ˜› and not the poor prawns! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Sushmita Sen implanted, Rakhi Sawant TRIMplanted ๐Ÿ˜€ Farah Khan did a lipo, Pee Cee rid herself of her Curtly Ambrose lippos ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† Vanity, vanity, thy name is woman!

Below: Major correction needed! Replace the word ‘Next’ in the screenshot below with ‘Now Showing’!!! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜†

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