The Ultimate KUTTI Party

As I sat watching Entertainment, I couldn’t help thinking Vidya has some serious competition from a ‘Baal’an of the canine kind πŸ˜† Sajid-Farhad’s latest is testament enough that Filmein bas teen cheezon se chalti hain. Entertainment, Entertainment aur Entertainment. Amen! πŸ˜‰

Critics might be hell-bent on shoving the Golden Kela down the Golden Retriever’s throat but honestly, just like the shade of his lush coat, he simply is the brightest spot in the film.

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Akshay who plays Akhil Lokhande really should have been named ‘Nakal’ POORkhande πŸ˜† He’s spoofing fat guys on a Teleshopping Channel. Think the former Adnan Sami types, replete with 36B boobs and all! He even tempts a baby to latch on!!! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† He also masquerades as an umpire in a Borivali-Dombivali league match πŸ˜† and shows the players the finger one too many times just so that he can quickly escape and make it in time for that date.

His girlfriend, Saakshi, the over-enthusiastic soapstress, is dubbed Balaji ki Chulbullu. It’s a good thing she didn’t approach Kapil for a part. Acting chops as hammy as hers, he’d be sure to give her a humongous Babaji ka Thullu! πŸ˜€

Chakravarthi acts like a CHAKRAMvarthi πŸ˜† The miserly father buys furniture with arm rests and other vital parts missing simply because they’re cheaper! 😯 Here too, he’s in full DID mode. DIE IN DARKNESS! πŸ˜† He makes do with candlelight just so that others don’t discover the flaws and poke fun at his FUNiture. ROFL! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† He refuses to give his daughter’s hand in marriage to Akhil POORkhande.

As luck would have it, Akhil’s the DNA of Pannalal Johri, Bangkok’s noted diamond merchant, DNA being Daddy’s Naajayaz Aulaad! 😯 Johri dies, leaving behind an empire worth 3000 crores. Off trots Akhil to the land of tuk tuks to lead a life of sukh sukhs. Alas! In store lie only dukh dukhs. For the oldie bequeathed his estate to someone who does buk buks! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† Slumdog millionaire indeed! πŸ˜†

In walks Akhil’s bestie, Jugnu, a DVD peddler who talks filmy. Sample this. ‘Akhil, yaar mujhe pata hai ki tera khoon Danny BOYLE ho raha hai. Tujhe agar apna future hrithik ROSHAN chahiye, toh TIGER shroff ban, ajay devGUN nikaal aur us kameene kutte KO MAAR mere Akshay Kumar!!!’ The two invest in a book describing (hilarious) methods to do away with the dog but it’s fun watching Entertainment turn the tables on the duo.

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One chapter’s titled Seduction and they almost succeed in getting the dog to elope with a rather brazen bitch. But curiosity gets the better of them and tempts them to follow the dogs deep into the woods. One misstep has Akhil slipping off the branch of a tree and landing headfirst into a hollow log. I almost peed laughing when Jugnu leaned against the same log, crying his eyes out at the failure of finding his lost friend! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Johnny Lever, as Johri’s loyal lawyer, is first rate. Named Habibullah, he’s rather touchy about anyone getting his name wrong. So you can imagine when he glides into the frame in a gondola at night hoping to scare the goons and they mistake him for and call him GORILLA, he almost gives himself away trying to correct the error. ROFL! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Another brilliant moment is towards the climax when Jugnu and Habibullah chance upon a set of knives and decide to strike the goons with them. But Jugnu’s faulty aim sees the knives flying in reverse and lodging themselves in Habibullah! Numbed with pain and shock, Habibullah stumbles jerkily into the street and peddles the knives. ‘Lelo bhai lelo, dus mein lelo. Pandhra mein lelo’ ROFL! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

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If you can forgive the frenzied Priyadarshan-style ending, where everyone is hitting everyone, the yawn-inducing villains, and some slapstick comic moments like a dog biting the villain’s crotch, you just might end up with this one in your collection like me.

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DON’t!

15 August 2013 will indeed go down in the annals of history as the real D-Day! Pun-Intended! Kyunki us din Duniya mein jitne saare Don the, woh sab Once Upon Ay Time in Mumbaai Dobaara dekhke shahid ho gaye! πŸ˜†

Kutria …whoops…Luthria πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† has terribly caricaturized and diluted the essence of a true bhai. Watching his latest is sure to make Dawood cry!

Akki, the most impotent bhai in town :lol:, engages more in Linegiri than Bhaigiri πŸ˜†

Lines that are absurd to the point of seeming that they were lifted straight off the back of an autorickshaw plying in Bhendi Bazaar :lol:, here’s a sneak peek into the inanity that is OUATIMD:

(airing his views on love): “Pyaar aaj kal naukrani jaise ban gaya hai. Aata hai, bell bajata hai, kaam karke chala jaata hai.” πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

(on the changing face of Bombay): This one’s a killer! “Yeh Bumbai, Kumkum se Kimi Katkar ki tarah lag rahi hai!” πŸ˜† Manda(bi)kini ki tarah kyun nahi, Shoaib ji? πŸ˜›

Anyway, Bhai recruits his protege, Aslam, from A SLUM (get the connection?) πŸ˜† in DONgri, the breeding ground of future DONS! πŸ˜† The same place DONny Boyle scoured and became a millionaire! πŸ˜†

Anyway, our desi ASLAMdog also turns millionaire jab SONAkshi uske haath lagti hain! πŸ˜† Her Jasmine should have been named ASPIRIN! That insufferable an actress! πŸ˜†

The don starts fighting tooth and nail for her to be his moll while the woman reminded me so much of Harry Potter movies ka troll! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† Dekha nateeja pura din kaala chashma pehnne ka? πŸ˜‰

In one scene, a train whizzes past Imran’s and Sona’s heads and a SRK loyalist in the audience screamed, “Woh dekh! Chennai Express unko gaad rahi hai!” πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† Amen to that!

BELOW: DONkey…nahi :razz:…DON ki toh baja di isne! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

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Jiah Laage Naa Tum Bin Hamra

MAN!!! Apparently who’s no more is Jiah Khan!!!

Yes, the same girl who’d succeeded in making men and women alike ‘NISHABD’, way back in 2007. For entirely different reasons though! πŸ˜‰

The very same girl who made us realize that the letter B resembles a β€˜Bum’ and that’s what the Big B really is! πŸ˜›

Anyway, this is the girl who created a B-town record of sorts. Show me one girl who’s been lucky enough to star alongside THE BIGGEST names of Bollywood, back-to-back, in the first two projects of her career…

The third, and unfortunately, final movie on her resume- Housefull, was also quite a decent venture. I really enjoyed that scene of her warding off β€˜Aakhiri Pasta’s’ lustful smooch in her reel life. πŸ˜† But what’s not funny is her opting for the Aakhiri Raasta in real life. 😦

Suicide is something that always succeeds is making me β€˜nishabd’. I wonder what possessed her into snuffing her precious life at such a tender age.

If it was professional failure that goaded her into taking such an extreme step, I wish she’d looked at her peers. She literally would have thanked her stars! Pun Intended!!! πŸ˜€ (For not committing the irreversible mistake that she just did!)

Whenever I see a piece on Uday Chopra in the papers, I inadvertently hold my breath. I always have thought him to be the most likely candidate for plunging to an untimely death. If in life, we’ve known him as Uday Chopra, in death, it’ll still be close enough. β€˜Udi’ Chopra. πŸ˜†
To always walk in the shadow of your extremely successful sibling can be highly frustrating, but look at the lad! He cares a F@*# as to what people think of him and cares for a F@*#… Oops Fakhri!!! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Then there’s Tusshaar. It’s doubly frustrating when there are two big success stories you need to eclipse. But the Hushaar boy has never drowned in his gham. Instead he has always wisely kept mum and excelled slowly but steadily at Dumb-Charades-Dumb. Now you know how he pulls off that β€˜totla’ act with such aplomb! πŸ˜€

Matching up to three family members with talent and beauty worth a million dollars can make anyone get hot under the collar. But nothing can shake the indomitable AbhiSHAKE. And now that baby Aaradhya’s here, Aby’s Baby no longer feels that he’s the least best at things! πŸ˜›

Each of these gentlemen had a lot more credibility to lose and a lot more flak to gain each time they failed. But thankfully good sense prevailed.

If it was personal failure, Bipasha Basu should have been dead a long time ago! Instead, she still sheds copious amounts of Aasu publicly but is very much hale and hearty πŸ˜†

Thank goodness Kareena didn’t pull off a SHAHID Bhagat Singh stunt on herself after her relationship with Sasha went kaput πŸ˜€
Instead, she became more guarded, played β€˜SAIF’ πŸ˜‰ and finally made it large! Begum of Pataudi, no less!!!! πŸ˜†

RIP Jiah! You’re certainly not the first and you surely won’t be the last. You did what you had to do and there’s no turning back now…yet nothing, absolutely nothing in life warrants such a drastic measure cuz suicide can never ever give you true closure.

BELOW: Ethereal!

Jiaah

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Not entirely rubbish, this Special Chhabees!

Last when I checked, the sexiest con artist there is on this planet, needed just 13 men to help him pull off a daring heist.

Apna toh Bollywood hai where more is merrier. So our desi Looney πŸ˜› enlists the help of an entire OCEAN of men πŸ˜† 26 to be precise, none as delicious as their Hollywood counterparts, to be immortalized for executing Mumbai’s most daring daylight burglary.

Neeraj Pandey certainly is no believer of Christ and follower of Gandhi πŸ˜‰ An eye for an eye is more his style, evident when Naseer gives terrorists a dose of their own medicine in A Wednesday and Akki raids the coffers of the corrupt in Special 26. Since both issues are irksome to the aam aadmi and also the law and justice dispensing machinery abominable, no wonder there was plenty of taali bajaaoing and seethi maraaoing in the theater! πŸ˜†

Pandeyji has splendidly slipped back into time and the characters have effortlessly adopted the ‘look’ and mannerisms of the Eighties. The heists truly orgasmic πŸ˜› the performances stellar, the dialogues tongue-in-cheek, attention to the minutest of details brilliant…except maybe the haphazardly-painted green wall that had the herculean task of passing off as the Arabian Sea! 😯

The only real nit to pick is the love angle. You don’t always have to feel sorry for your lead appearing celibate on screen πŸ™„

SRK delivered possibly his career’s finest without a love interest in Chak De.

As is God’s style, Akshay managed the show single-handedly, with great aplomb, in OMG. Had they included ‘Gopis’ serenading him in every frame 😯 like they did in some of his highly forgettable flicks like Desi Boyz and Garam Masala πŸ™„ then that would count as a truly OMG! moment! πŸ˜€

Naseer didn’t need a mature lady friend like the Shabana Azmi types to propel his ingenious plan or to deliver a rousing speech on his behalf.

To cut a long story short, I don’t think Kajal Aggarwal belonged in Special 26…or anywhere else! πŸ˜€ Her ‘loud’ presence eclipsed even Bajirao Singham’s menacing roar πŸ˜† and even made ‘bhaji’ of his tremendous screen presence πŸ˜†

The climax of Special 26 was not hard-to-see coming, a trifle absurd too, but for once, the film’s strengths are plentiful and the flaws few. That alone makes it a decent one-time watch!

The man made us wait and wait hard. 4 years is a helluva lot of time to come up with an ‘inspired’ script. But sabar ka phal meetha tha isliye….

Pandey ke liye hum bajaayenge seethi, haan bajaayenge seethi πŸ˜‰

Kalam Ko No Mera Salaam

A decade ago, B-Town churned out its first full-blown (and shamelessly-copied) sexual harassment drama, Aitraaz. I had just landed a plum job (well, at least it seemed like that, then, to a fresher like me) in a leading ad agency and I vividly remember how my ‘seniors’ gave the bigg boss some golis about going out for market research and whisked gullible moi to the black marketeers instead, making me pay through my nose and every other orifice there is for 6 first-day-first-show balcony ticketsΒ  😯

And one of my dearest bhidus, Bhaskar (who preferred being called Bastard because it sounded cooler!!!), even yanked out a pair of blue shades, excited at the prospect of watching a blue film πŸ˜† or something close to it πŸ™„

Cut to ten years later. There was a reunion of sorts last Saturday and we all decided to catch…you guessed it!!! Inkaar…a movie on the ad fraternity, a world my bumchums STILL belong to…some of them occupying the same positions too!!! Talk about being unamBITCHYious πŸ˜›

While I was plain disgusted with the way B-Town’s Abdul Kalam, Mr. Sudhir Mishra, πŸ˜† was loosening his grip on a taut and gripping first half post intermission, my companions were babbling excitedly, thrilled to see glimpses of themselves in Chitrangada and Arjun 😯 Maybe it’s time to make new friends πŸ˜›

With the film going all over the place and the climax being the proverbial anti-climax, I really didn’t care if Arjun was a B or Chitrangada, a bigger B. I just wanted to B from the theatre….bhaag πŸ˜†

Of late, I’ve noticed quite a few capable and accomplished directors succumb to this silly syndrome of building a great plot, even greater excitement and just when we begin to laud them mentally, they make a daud for dear life πŸ˜† knowing we’ll bash them black and blue and every other color there is for swinging that dud of an ending in our unsuspecting faces! You can be sure Reema Kagti won’t be making another movie for a long time and pretty soon we’ll be on a talaash for her πŸ˜€

As far as performances went, I could essay the part of Maya with greater finesse…provided I looked like her! Chitrangada’s unparalleled beauty reminded me of something a heartbroken Ross whines to Rachel when Charlie the Kaali πŸ˜† breaks up with him. “There was one! She’s it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge!” The last time an actress made me feel like going under the knife was Kat Kaif in Namastey London.

Anyway, Arjun looks better than he can act and the buzz is they are considering his performance for the National Award 😯 Right through the movie, I kept wondering if he and Miss Singh were to have kids, how gorgeous they’d be! That says a lot about pitching in a riveting performance, right?Β  πŸ™„

Maybe if Kalam gives his movie’s patrons a dabba of malam, I might be a little more forgiving…

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Himesh ‘Besharmmiya’ never ceases to amaze me. The guy does everything he’s not cut out to do. Worse still, like the proverbial Jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none, he adds new skills to his repertoire at an alarming speed, firmly convinced that quantity is better than quality.

This time, he juggles the following jobs in his most incompetent hands:

  1. Producing
  2. Scriptwriting
  3. Composing
  4. Acting (Starts out as a Wedding Planner and ends up caricaturing himself as a big fat baboon ooops…buffoon)

We’ve had very few β€˜wedding planner’ flicks in B-Town, the most notable being Band Baaja Baraat and I quite liked the premise of that film. Khiladi 786 and the moronic, insufferable Besharmmiya have undone it all. No wonder they liken shaadi to barbaadi!

Moving over to Asin, it’s seriously A SIN to watch her movies in the theatre! A ‘ghaatier’ version of the shrew I’d seen in Housefull 2 earlier this year, which in comparison to this borefest deserves the Oscars!!! Otherwise, everything else was the SAME.

Asin’s older brother, Mithun 😯 yes, yes, you read right…NOT DAD, but older brother!….unlike her, progressed in life…he went from a daaku to an underworld don in eight months! πŸ˜†

As for Akki, all I can manage to say is Yucky! Everything from his garish kurtas to his inane dialogues, stupi(d)fying stunts to the absurd attachment for numerical names running in his family…Baap NUMBERi, toh beta dus NUMBERi, eh???

His father’s sattar, he’s bahattar, some other idiot is ikhattar and all the while, mujhe unpe phekna tha paththar πŸ˜†

Bare choris and threadbare stories (hotchpotch of Namastey London, Ready, Housefull 2, Rowdy Rathore) …….It really would be a gross waste of time and effort to spell out what bulls*#t was unraveling on the screen.

Anyway, by the end, my husband and I were in splits, concocting silly jokes of our own…that a more apt name for AK would be AK47, given his penchant for numbers. Also, something we shouldn’t have forgetten to carry along with us πŸ˜†

You get it, right?! Steer clear of this FAIL Khiladi!

BELOW: :I didn’t see this earlier :headbang: :headbang: :headbang:

Keep Distance, haan? You bet Akki!

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