TRIPE OF INDIA

So, for those of you who are on Pluto and haven’t caught a whiff of the Deepika Padukone Vs ToI Tiff, here’s what transpired between the warring factions on Twitter Sunday last.

India’s leading house of journalism, having nothing more newsworthy to publish, decided to spice up their website with stock footage of Dips in a blouse with a dipping neckline. Creative huh? 🙄 And the headline they came up with simply is the proverbial cherry on the icing!‘OMG! Deepika Padukone’s Cleavage Show!!!’ WOW! SIMPLY WOW! (Saif Ali Style 😉 )

Miss Fanny, who I’ve always thought is diplomacy personified, has kicked ToI smack on its fanny and how!

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To which the ToI came back with the mother of all retorts!

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😯 😯 😯

I’ve been following the ensuing brouhaha where the entire film fraternity and rival news publications are lauding Dips for taking on such an established and powerful news syndicate by its horns. And then there are some, like the ditzy Pooja Bedi, who are milking this issue dry with the hopes of receiving a fat raise. Such loyalty towards the employer I tell you! Padhke aankh mein aasu aa gaye! 😉

Personally, I fully understand why the TOI has to resort to such drastic measures to ensure they stay visible. Even though they source the most premium quality of paper to print their “news” on, the final product is still way inferior to the tissue roll hanging in my toilet! 😀 😆 Didn’t Ranbir Kapoor say something to the same effect once? Atta Boy! 😛

I never thought that day would arrive but it has. Today’s Bombay Times is noticeably voluminous than the main newspaper (Considering the trashy Mirror as an appendage) There are sexperts like Mahinder Watsa, who in my opinion, is the greatest Indian inventor (of sexual fiction) of all time! 😆 😆 😆 This detailed and rather disgusting query had me ditching my mornin’ cuppa for good. Read it at your own risk! 😉

Mahinder Watsa

Years ago, the collegian in me witnessed Mid Day to be a best seller in the Gents’ Compartment. No, no, I wasn’t the fly on the wall there! 😉 😀 It’s just that the vendor would enter with an armload of Mid-Days that would sell like hotcakes and then enter the ladies’ compartment with the insipid Afternoon D&C, whose crosswords reaffirmed ‘Haan main paanchvi paas se bahut zyaada tez hoon!’ 😆 If Mid-Day symbolized the raunchy mate, from now on, ToI will be synonymous with voyeuristic porn.

Oops pics might titillate and be enjoyed by a few but for the larger majority, they are a major put-off. If you own such a large database of pictures that debase, by all means come out with a PlayTOI for the horny few. 😉 😀 😆 But then you shouldn’t portray yourself to be a crusader of women’s rights. What’s the grand idea in talking about mahila shakti on Pages 1 and 2 and then giving us a glimpse of Alia’s chaddi, when her skirt accidentally rode up during a promotional event, on Page 3. That makes you the worst kind of hypocrite there ever is! 🙄

When you take a stand, I think it is representative of your entire conglomerate. So was Arnab’s condemning and crucifying Nirbhaya’s heinous rapists just a farce? Or was she spared from such humiliating objectification just because she didn’t have a wow cleavage a la Miss Padukone?

Getting back to dips,The ToI might have showed us her cleavage but the girl showed us she’s got balls! As Alia puts it so succinctly,

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I’m euphoric you’ve finally got what was coming to you, you Tribe of Idiots (ToI)! 😆 And here’s a little treat from the far-superior Hindu to buoy that euphoria a little more. Enjoy!

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Dumb and HUMPer!

My lil tyke’s latest obsession is mobile phones. After dunking my husband’s Note in a bucketful of water, those cheap, China-made plastic mobiles you get outside Borivli station are the closest he’ll ever get to a cellphone! 😆 Anyway, the first one we got him was a sleek BlackCherry!!! 😆 😆 😆 He’s currently on his Naakia LOO-MEIN-AAA!!!!! 😆 😆 😆

I find the names of these fakes highly amusing. Simply love the names they’re saddled with. EyeFone, Phony, Adidos..hell, even Yike! 😆

Humpty Sharma ki Dulhaniya (HSKD) is one such fake that felt more like an insult than a tribute to the evergreen romance story that is DDLJ. Debutant director Khaitan’s name itself is testament enough that he’s a massive PANKHA of the greatest love story of our times but my shanka of him butchering it beyond redemption proved to be true.

OK, so there’s dumb Alia from Ambala 😆 who’ll settle for nothing less than a Manish Malhotra-designed-lehenga for her impending wedding. We’re told it costs a full five lakhs, the value obviously lost on Alia! Check it out:

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Off she trots to the capital with the capital in hand in pursuit of a lehenga but instead, ends up nanga! 😛 So much for blowing up five lakhs on a lehenga! 🙄

Saari life besharmi ki heights, Ek Tu, Ek Main aur Ho dim dim yeh lights would make for the perfect background score for HUMPty BESHARM(a) takes his name rather literally! 😛 After deflowering every filly in Dilli, he sets his sights on this exotic Ambala ki kali. Everyone knows that the smart-allecky gimmicks will eventually lead to a sizzling kiss. After all, Alia Emraan Hashmi aka non-stop smooch karnewala Amaron Kissme ki behen jo thehri! 😉 😆 Par jaise powder ke saath tikiya free aur toothpaste ke saath toothbrush free milta hai, yahaan smooch ke saath bahut koooch mila dekhne ko! 😆

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After kahi saari suhaag raatein, Alia leaves to get married to Sid aka Shiv from Balika Vadhu! 😯 Dhawan follows hoping to be THE ONE. Masquerading as a waiter, he dies by day. His reward? DO by night! 😛 This movie indeed is a ROM(P)COM! 😆 😆 😆

Remember Lajja Shankar, the maniacal, fanatical villain from Sangharsh? (Coincidentally Alia played a young Zinta in that film) Brace yourselves, guys! He’s Alia’s baoji in the film. The director should have named him Lajja here cuz that’s exactly what he feels when he catches HUMPty Dumpty SITTING ON HIS DOLL!! 😆 😆 😆

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Baoji here is a softer-hearted version of the kadak Puri Raj couldn’t bite through in DDLJ. He promises Varun Alia’s hand in marriage if he can find one flaw in Sid. But Shiv, like his mythological namesake is perfect, having it all! Here’s what happens next:

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Sid is flabbergasted, but decides to give his alliance with Alia one last shot. He catches up with her in the sarson ka khet…the one she’s watering on Farmville!!! Excerpts from their conversation:

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Sid decides to try a different tack.

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Not the one to accept defeat, Sid decides to go easy on Alia and ask her some basic G.K. questions.

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Just then, Varun strides in so Sid decides to grill them both.

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Sid runs for his life. With Alia’s father’s blessings, of course! 😆

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Meanwhile, the two fools pledge their stupidity to each other for life among other things. They come home to Baoji to receive his blessings. Here’s what the newly-weds are gifted:

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THE END (THANK GOD!!!)

To Cut A Long SOTY Chhoti

So, I wanted to catch SOTY the other day. This, despite knowing more about the film than probably KJo himself! 😀
But, man, did this movie whizz out of the theatres faster than a Diwali rocket or what???!!!! Not a SINGLE screen ANYWHERE in Mumbai dedicated to KJo’s Bollywoodish rendition of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire…why God, why???? 😉
Our desi Ron and Harry have the license to hit on both Hermione and Ginny; the only difference being Ginny here has no brother…sheesh, what were you thinking??!! 😛
Unlike their videshi counterparts, our hari puttars possess absolutely drool-worthy bodies…Plus the Bhaaratiya Dumbledore is overtly gay…it certainly couldn’t get better than this!
Then there’s that annoying ‘Anjali Anjali’, a KJo find from 14 years ago, who’s metamorphosed into one of the hottest female supporting actresses of the year. Not that I was dying to check her out! My husband was! 😀
Well, to cut a long SOTY short, the movie vanished out of the theaters faster than I could read its title! 😦

BELOW: Poster of the Year! Kudos to Jo for crunching in more alphabets than faces in such a tiny space.

Student of the Year REVEALED REVEALED REVEALED!!!!

While the entire nation waits with bated breath as to who’s the star of SOTY, I’m one of the few who already knows his name!

Jealous? Haan? Haan?? Bolo bolo, tell tell 🙂

Well, scroll down to know who

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It’s Siddharth Malhotra! Siddharth Malhotra!! Siddharth Malhotra!!!

He’s the man who gets both the trophy AND the gopi! 😉

Time to spill the beans on my ‘reliable source’- none other than my Darling Hubby!!! Hahahahhaha  🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

He has a gut feeling the lanky model from Delhi is the one who’ll strike it lucky in SOTY!

Before you dismiss his prediction, let me tell you that he ALWAYS gets it right! Be it the bhoot in Bhool Bhulaiyya or the twist in Kahaani or how Ek Main Aur Ek Tu would end, he’s always hit the bull’s eye! …And blinded the poor bull so many times!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Here’s Mr. Scriptwriter spewing some gyaan on his deductions:

“Sample this. Sid is a middle-class student, whose dedication lands him at the prestigious  St. Theresa’s  on a scholarship. Varun is the rebellious, spoilt rich brat, totally lost, aimless and clueless in life, whose only identity comes from being the son of a business magnate. You do the math. Alia has to get hitched to the more responsible, more grounded Sid, even though she’s indulged in her fair share of flirty fun with Varun.”

OKAYYYYY, makes sense so far.

And come to think of it, I’m inclined to agree with hubby as well. Here’s why:

I looooooooooooove Varun Dhawan and I honestly think he’s one of the best-looking newcomers on the B-Block. But I get the impression that KJo is fonder of Siddharth Malhotra than Varun. Check out every promo and you’ll see close-ups of Siddharth and long shots of Varun. This, even when Varun is the better dancer of the two! And then there’s the fact that KJo recommended Sid’s name to Ekta Kapoor and got him a plum deal with Balaji Films.

And then, there’s Alia’s body language. She loves Varun, albeit, in a platonic way. But she looks longingly at Sid, tells him coyly that she wants ‘more’ (whatever that means!)  in the ‘Radha’ song, caresses his face with a lingering finger, and generally shares more screen space with him than Varun. Plus, in the promotional poster below, she seems to be warding  Varun off completely….Okay, maybe I’m reading too much into her every move 😉

I’m not completely sold on Siddharth’s charm. He reminds me a lot of Sunil Shetty – angular face, thick lips and all 🙂 Oh, and not to forget, that visible discomfort while dancing and the stiff postures. Let’s hope he scores in the acting department, cuz as of now, I feel like gifting that golden goblet to his arch-rival Varun 🙂

As for Varun, there’s a certain cockiness to him- a lot like the arrogance Shahid Kapoor exudes. Is that why Karan prefers the humbler, non-filmi  background walla Siddharth?

Only time will tell. In this case, October 19 2012!