The Ultimate KUTTI Party

As I sat watching Entertainment, I couldn’t help thinking Vidya has some serious competition from a ‘Baal’an of the canine kind 😆 Sajid-Farhad’s latest is testament enough that Filmein bas teen cheezon se chalti hain. Entertainment, Entertainment aur Entertainment. Amen! 😉

Critics might be hell-bent on shoving the Golden Kela down the Golden Retriever’s throat but honestly, just like the shade of his lush coat, he simply is the brightest spot in the film.

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Akshay who plays Akhil Lokhande really should have been named ‘Nakal’ POORkhande 😆 He’s spoofing fat guys on a Teleshopping Channel. Think the former Adnan Sami types, replete with 36B boobs and all! He even tempts a baby to latch on!!! 😆 😆 😆 He also masquerades as an umpire in a Borivali-Dombivali league match 😆 and shows the players the finger one too many times just so that he can quickly escape and make it in time for that date.

His girlfriend, Saakshi, the over-enthusiastic soapstress, is dubbed Balaji ki Chulbullu. It’s a good thing she didn’t approach Kapil for a part. Acting chops as hammy as hers, he’d be sure to give her a humongous Babaji ka Thullu! 😀

Chakravarthi acts like a CHAKRAMvarthi 😆 The miserly father buys furniture with arm rests and other vital parts missing simply because they’re cheaper! 😯 Here too, he’s in full DID mode. DIE IN DARKNESS! 😆 He makes do with candlelight just so that others don’t discover the flaws and poke fun at his FUNiture. ROFL! 😆 😆 He refuses to give his daughter’s hand in marriage to Akhil POORkhande.

As luck would have it, Akhil’s the DNA of Pannalal Johri, Bangkok’s noted diamond merchant, DNA being Daddy’s Naajayaz Aulaad! 😯 Johri dies, leaving behind an empire worth 3000 crores. Off trots Akhil to the land of tuk tuks to lead a life of sukh sukhs. Alas! In store lie only dukh dukhs. For the oldie bequeathed his estate to someone who does buk buks! 😆 😆 😆 Slumdog millionaire indeed! 😆

In walks Akhil’s bestie, Jugnu, a DVD peddler who talks filmy. Sample this. ‘Akhil, yaar mujhe pata hai ki tera khoon Danny BOYLE ho raha hai. Tujhe agar apna future hrithik ROSHAN chahiye, toh TIGER shroff ban, ajay devGUN nikaal aur us kameene kutte KO MAAR mere Akshay Kumar!!!’ The two invest in a book describing (hilarious) methods to do away with the dog but it’s fun watching Entertainment turn the tables on the duo.

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One chapter’s titled Seduction and they almost succeed in getting the dog to elope with a rather brazen bitch. But curiosity gets the better of them and tempts them to follow the dogs deep into the woods. One misstep has Akhil slipping off the branch of a tree and landing headfirst into a hollow log. I almost peed laughing when Jugnu leaned against the same log, crying his eyes out at the failure of finding his lost friend! 😆 😆 😆

Johnny Lever, as Johri’s loyal lawyer, is first rate. Named Habibullah, he’s rather touchy about anyone getting his name wrong. So you can imagine when he glides into the frame in a gondola at night hoping to scare the goons and they mistake him for and call him GORILLA, he almost gives himself away trying to correct the error. ROFL! 😆 😆 😆

Another brilliant moment is towards the climax when Jugnu and Habibullah chance upon a set of knives and decide to strike the goons with them. But Jugnu’s faulty aim sees the knives flying in reverse and lodging themselves in Habibullah! Numbed with pain and shock, Habibullah stumbles jerkily into the street and peddles the knives. ‘Lelo bhai lelo, dus mein lelo. Pandhra mein lelo’ ROFL! 😆 😆 😆

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If you can forgive the frenzied Priyadarshan-style ending, where everyone is hitting everyone, the yawn-inducing villains, and some slapstick comic moments like a dog biting the villain’s crotch, you just might end up with this one in your collection like me.

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Wa(a)r re Wa(a)r

“It’s different,” whines Jaaved Jaffery. This time however, it’s not about the Laal Saaauce. It’s about the Laal Maas 😆 Or rather the lack of it in the ‘Dal Gosht’ served to the members of the Pakistani squadron that he leads. The lentils expectedly wreak havoc in the stomachs of the carnivores and the men from Sindh can’t do much besides pass wind! 😆 😆 😆 Clearly no prospect for intelligence to be passed on in Far(t)gil 😆 😆 😆

Surely there’s nothing newsworthy about recurring episodes of flatulence 😀 Respective State Heads are terribly worried. They’ve recently learnt that everything is stinky gory 😛 …whoops…hunky dory 😆 at the LOC with officers from both sides engaging in friendly banter involving everything from Sunny Deol in Border to Sunny Leone in Murder! Or was it Jism? 😉

Speaking of Jism, Miss Hot Bod herself is deployed at the behest of an Indian Cabinet Minister to Far(t)gil to…GET THIS… to announce to the Men In Blue ki Harewalon ko war mein haraana hai!!! 😯 😯 😯 Wouldn’t it be easier to put in a call to the Army Chief? 🙄
Expectedly, Bharatiya faujiyon ka hawa becomes tight. Alright, they concede. Let’s bring on the fight!

Soha, who undoubtedly is the most ill-matched likeness of Barkha Dutt, is as ditzy around Captain Rana (Sharman Joshi) as Anushka is around Shahrukh in Jab Tak Hain Jaan. What’s wrong with these journo chicks? They seem more like porno chicks 😆

Rana is distracted with all the khayaali naach gaana, but he also has to do some major band bajaana. Still reeling from the 3 Idiots hangover, the cocky captain hatches an idea just as cocky. He releases…I SHIT YOU NOT!… cocks!!! into the Pakistani side of the fence! 😯 The murgas lure the meat-deprived enemy out aur hum kartein hain unko murda. How convenient! 🙄 Kukdoo koo to udan choo, wotsay? 😀 The Pakistani Army Chief (Manoj Pahwa) meanwhile is hooked to Angry Birds on his cellphone. Coincidence? 😉

The drama unfolding on screen drives home the point that war brings devastating losses to the countries and people fighting it. Instigating nations often end up reaping tremendous benefits from this dastardly act.

In the film, the goras urgently needed someone to fill up their bheek ka katoras. So America’s Bush becomes khush when we credit-loving Indians lap up his grand idea of procuring armaments from them at attractive EMIs 😆 The Chinese have left making Noodles to focus on making Newcle-ar bombs. Should we be saying War China Ka Chaal Hai! 😆 Needless to say, even the Sivasaki bombs we will burst in a few days hence fare much better in comparison to the duds the two warring factions are hurtling at each other 😀

To sum WCNY up, it’s a quirky attempt at Black Humor. True it’s production values aren’t opulent which might prove to be a bummer for many. But at least the story is not hackneyed and the humour is wicked. The leads are in their element and actually save the movie from falling flat on its face. This one’s going into my disc collection.

BELOW: Dal Chhod Na Yaar! Hahahahahahahahah

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The Flying Sheekh!

Isn’t it ironic that my review on a film dealing with speed should come crawling almost a week after its release? 😯
The weekend saw me holed up at home for fear of getting bombed up, what with it marking the anniversary of one of many terror attacks that have rocked Mumbai in the recent past. Little did I know that catching Bhaag Milkha Bhaag would accomplish the same result. That film just blew my mind!

‘Bhaag Milkha Bhaag’ is an exhortation to our protagonist at crucial, defining moments in his life. It assumes the form of a guttural cry from a dying father to escape from the clutches of murderous zealots active at work during India’s Partition. The same sentence later transforms into a fervent prayer slipping past the lips of his coach at the Olympics Finals held in Rome. So quite a symbolic title that!

Anyway, the film opens with the said race. Everyone’s heard of the adage ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans do.’ I’m sure Milkha Singh must have too. Being a distant relative of Santa Banta, he must have presumed that all they do is roam! 😆 SPOILERS AHEAD.

So roam he did! Instead of scrambling to achieve glory, our man began ambling away to glory! 😆 He bagged fourth place. To him it was life’s biggest disgrace.

The root cause of his dismal performance can be traced to the 1956 Olympics held in Melbourne. The voluptuous granddaughter of the Aussie coach must have hollered “Howdy mate?” and Milkha Singh must have interpreted the friendly greeting as “Let’s go mate!” 😆 It was evident we’d lost Milkha Singh cuz all I could see was MilKissing! 😆 Needless to say, India went Down Under in the races! 😆

I honestly don’t know how much of this biopic is fact and how much fiction. It seems rather incredible that the real Milkha Singh would have boasted so blatantly about his international conquests (albeit of a different kind!) 😛

The film ends with Milkha learning to slow down, to wrestle the demons that have been chasing him all his life and ending on a high- with a glorious nickname coined by a Pakistani at that!

With a run time of 3 hours and 10 minutes, the film is anything but racy! 😉 I shudder to think how much longer it’d be if the word ‘Bhaag’ wasn’t a significant part of its title! 😮

Watch this movie only for Farhan Akhtar. He’s as luscious as that juicy piece of sheekh! 😛 F&@#ing Hot with a capital F!

The performance he pitches in is the performance of a lifetime! He’s gotten so into the skin of his character, I’m sure he must be having trouble reverting to the Totla Akhtar he used to be! 😀

Sonam seems to be the new Sonakshi. A lucky mascot to propel a movie into the coveted 100-crore club. Anybody, absolutely anybody could have essayed her Biro. Even someone like Poonam (Pandey) who has a penchant for virile sportsmen. 😛 Come to think of it, maybe if she was around during the landmark finals and had promised to strip if he won, I bet my bottom dollar Milkha would not trip! 😆 😆

Uff, the confidence! I'm lovin' it!!! ;-)

Uff, the confidence! I’m lovin’ it!!! 😉