Shitbutt Romeo!

So, Shortcut mein bata deti hoon ๐Ÿ˜€

Thereโ€™s sex-starved A-geisha Patel :lol:, whoโ€™s still waiting for someone to pop her cherry! ๐Ÿ˜€ I thought Mr. Anal Kapoor would RACE 2 do the honors but evidently he hasn’t bitten the bait! ๐Ÿ˜†

Wearing an I-need-a-fuck-desperately-expression like a placard around her neck, the bored housewife signs up for golfing lessons hoping to zzzz off more with her instructor than she can tee ๐Ÿ˜† They roll below a leafy tree to indulge in their badtameezee ๐Ÿ˜›

Enter TIGER WOODS! Arre nahi re, not the asli wala…Heโ€™s done with putting balls in the wrong holes! ๐Ÿ˜† This tiger in the woods is a voyeuristic, camera-toting carnivore, who happily clicks away when the geisha and the guru ho jaate hai shuru ๐Ÿ˜‰

MORAL OF THE STORY: Jungle Mein Mangal karoge toh Nanga ke saath Kangaa (L) bhi ho jaaoge!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

NNM systematically squeezes paisa outta his ING VAISHYA ATM ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† to fund his hedonistic lifestyle. Vasai Nalasopara ka maamuli chokra suddenly starts thinking Masai Mara!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Kenya mein use milti hai ek Kanya, Sherry. Expectedly with a brain not larger than a cherry! ๐Ÿ˜€ When heโ€™s not lying to her, heโ€™s lying on her! ๐Ÿ˜›

The build-up to the climax forces you to conjure some rather disconcerting images… whoโ€™s doing whom? Whoโ€™s suing whom?

Speaking of Sue, sabko Susu bade zor se aa rahi thi! But director Susu…oops.. ๐Ÿ˜† Lekin clearly Susi Ganesan apne interminable, insufferable SHOTs ko CUT bolna bhool gaya.

When the end finally came, hum sab Kenya ki Masai-Mara-wali hopping dance karte hue baahar nikle taaki baahar Pee na nikle!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Alas! Relief was still nowhere in sight with all 10 toilet stalls occupied endlessly. Clearly no one was in the mood for shortcuts that day! ๐Ÿ˜‰

BELOW: The Susu Stopping Dance.

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Shear DAAYAN-amite!

As I sat watching Ek Thi Daayan, I couldn’t help wondering what her journey from DOYEN to DAAYAN would be like. Transitioning from the measly 21cm to the massive 70mm, Ektaโ€™s would have been the most convincing of debuts in the history of B-Town. She does look like a witch and acts like a complete bitch, after all! ๐Ÿ˜›

See, I told ya! ๐Ÿ˜†


Anyway, getting back to the movie.

Who names their kid Bobo? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ
That name was a BAFFLER alright! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

So baby Bobo from SoBo ๐Ÿ™„ is like the biggest dodo Iโ€™ve seen ๐Ÿ˜† His fears include:

โ€ข JAAL (the claustrophobic elevator that he believes descends beyond the ground floor into hell) ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

โ€ข BAAL (the Garnier long and strong choti of his wicked stepmom ๐Ÿ˜† For the benefit of us dim-witted audience, she has also conveniently been named DAAYAN-AA/ Diana) ๐Ÿ™„

โ€ข And PAAL (the slimy gecko this psycho thinks she metamorphoses into) ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

The fixation with the AALs continues into adulthood. Big Babol…oops…Bobo ๐Ÿ˜† fasaaos a MAAL in his pyaar ka JAAL ๐Ÿ˜‰ and the frisky couple also decide to cement their relationship by adopting a BAAL..this time it’s not the hair… :lol:….it’s a cutesy little baby bear!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Enter the tongue twister Kalki Koechlin ๐Ÿ˜† and all hell breaks loose. AAL izzzzz clearly not well! As sudden as lightning came the hallucinations, that made me go Hallelujah!!! The baffler had me so baffled by his weirdness that I had to tuck my lustrous long ponytail into my T-shirt for fear of having it chopped off! I mean, Mr. Amaron Kissme literally transformed into the Amaron Bunny, ๐Ÿ˜† chasing every woman he saw with a long choti with an even longer pair of kainchis ๐Ÿ˜† Tel endorsement deals gaye tel lene! ๐Ÿ˜€

The climax, as with all recent B-wood offerings, was the proverbial anticlimax. I wonโ€™t tell you who fuelled/ incensed whom and who duelled whom but if youโ€™ve ever seen a Ramsay climax, youโ€™ll find yourself appreciating it for its superb finesse ๐Ÿ˜†

Thereโ€™s always the good, the bad and the ugly in every film. Let’s dissect them slowly, one by one (in the perverse way that a Daayan relishes dissecting her victims :wink:)

The Good:

โ€ข About ten years ago, RGVโ€™s Bhoot had me jumping up every time my doorbell rang ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Thatโ€™s the power of a brilliantly-visualized and executed set. ETDโ€™s art direction is so damn eerie, the slithery lizards so frikkinโ€™ creepy, the claustrophobic elevator and spooky corridors so terrifyingly creaky and Konkonaโ€™s reptilian smile so bloody freaky, I swear Iโ€™m not trying to take your mickey! ๐Ÿ˜€

The Bad:

โ€ข The name Bobo suits a retarded baboon better ๐Ÿ˜† And every scare doesnโ€™t have to be a nightmare/ hallucination ๐Ÿ™„ We prefer the regular real-time scares, thank you!

The Ugly:

Once a hardcore critic of the Ramsay brothers and their brand of cinema, theyโ€™ve earned a diehard fan post this one ๐Ÿ˜†

In a nutshell, ETD isnโ€™t exactly path-breaking cinema but Iโ€™m glad it doesnโ€™t pander to the Hollywood scarefest syndrome either. Iโ€™m talking to you Saif!

Chudails and Daayans are a relatively virgin premise in B-town and kudos to the team of ETD for having the guts to make such a big-budget film on the subject. But a whole is always a sum of its parts. While there are an ample number of spectacular parts in the film, particularly in the first half, the second half has been designed to make you laugh ๐Ÿ˜† Hara-kiri or should I say HAIRY-kiri ๐Ÿ˜† in the case of a psycho-horror film!

Still worth a watch. Who knows? You may actually end up including it in your disc collection!

BELOW: Interesting trampoline this! ๐Ÿ˜†