David’s THE 1

My son has been chanting, “Can’t change the girl? CHANGE the girl!!!” ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

I don’t know if this is a prelude of things to come ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Anyway, I went to watch Chashme Baddoor this afternoon hoping to see what he saw in the trailers that made him ROFL.

I loooove all the types of comedies there are. Sensible a la 3 Idiots, the downright insane viz. Golmaal (2006) and No Entry, the certified no-brainers like Coolie No. 1 and Apna Sapna Money Money ๐Ÿ˜† and even the raunchy ones ๐Ÿ˜‰ Kya Kool Hai Hum and Bose DK!!! ๐Ÿ˜› )…Lolllllz ๐Ÿ˜† CB being the latest entrant!

It’s a good thing the Baadshah of Comedy forewarned us by choosing to christen his take on the cult classic with an ‘A’ instead of ‘U’! ๐Ÿ˜‰

He may or may not have succeeded in putting an end to speculations that he was recreating the magic of the 80s but the unintentional? slight has certainly doled out sufficient warning that Chashme Baddoor is gonna be full of double entendres, lame puns, dollops of slapstick humor, lewdness and sleaziness galore to whet the crass? appetite of the stallwallahs (me included) ๐Ÿ˜†

The premise might be the same as Sai Paranjpye’s labor of love but that’s where the similarity ends. If you’re expecting the new to up the ante or even to knock the (g)old off its pedestal, you’re gonna be sorely disappointed. IMHO, Chashme Baddoor could actually pass off as Golmaal’s poor cousin. Taking a cue from the inane rhymes peppering almost every frame, here’s the story of CB in a nutshell.

Teen lukkhe they Goa mein, completely kadka
Even dal they couldn’t afford with tadka ๐Ÿ˜€
Har koi karta hai unko tok
As they were completely broke.

Two of them horny,
The third a nerd and extremely corny.
Enter ladki aur ladke hote hain behaal
Pehle do rascals try to fasao her in their pyaar ka jaal

Ladki select karti hai bechaare ko
Uske kameene dost go “OH!!!!” ๐Ÿ˜ฏ
Aeda banaake peda khaanewaale ki khabar lena hai,
Duniyabhar ki takleefein lovebirds ko dena hai.

Hum single, toh how dare he mingle!?!
Badalna hi padega ab Airtel ka jingle
๐Ÿ˜†

Coming over to the performances, Ali Zafar is really making us ZUFFER (Mallu ishtyle) ๐Ÿ˜† with his repetitive/deadpan acting. He ain’t no Shahrukh…oops…Farooq!!! ๐Ÿ˜›

Siddharth, as the Bollywood aspirant, will make you reach out for your aspirin with his garish Chi Chi/ chee chee ๐Ÿ˜† ensembles. His performance, as the roving eye and kameena spy, is equally loud albeit one that will make you Laugh Out Loud!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Divyendu, the shaayar, might be a kaayar, a liar, even the proverbial extra third tire ๐Ÿ˜† but as a performer he’s nothing less than a live-wire!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Taapsee is as gritty as laapsi ๐Ÿ˜† who should plan her Vaapsi back to the Southern industry! Nothing like the fine, demure Deepti Naval we’ve come to love ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Anupam Kher roars with a sher-like performance.

Titillate Boobi…oopsie daisy!!!…Lillette Dubey!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† knows how to cup Kapoor’s balls :lol:…. figuratively, of course!!! ๐Ÿ˜› Their chemistry is sparkling…Chamko sach mein kaam karta hai!!! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰

BELOW: Yanna Rascalas? You bet!!!

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Kaay Ho Chhe!

Here’s the weekly roundup of all things Bollywood forcing the couch-potato that I am to emerge from the depths of my cozy sofa and take serious notice. A few will receive bouquets, the rest bukkes ๐Ÿ˜† Read on and enjoy maadi.

1] inspirASHAn: The Film Industry has completed a landmark 100 years and this amaaaaaaaaaazing woman has spent 70 of her 80 years being an integral part of it. I’m talking about the ‘evergreen woman’, Dev Anand’s female version if you like :lol:- the invincible Asha Bhosle!

A woman who adapts to the changing times, thus rendering herself relevant for close to a century, she’s who I call the ‘desi Madonna’ albeit the one who likes keeping her clothes on ๐Ÿ˜† She’s a huuuuuge inspirASHAn for all those down in the dumps and who like wallowing in self-pity. By george, she’s jammed even with Boy George!!! ๐Ÿ˜† And even though her husband was long dead, she bounced back from her sorrow with some help from Code Red! ๐Ÿ˜€

Lately, her daughter’s death was the reason for her grief but even the span of this period of mourning has been brief. Last heard, she sashayed down the ramp as showstopper for Manish Malhotra! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Woohooooo! Way to go tai!

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2] I โค New York: Who doesn’t? But what I abhor seeing is this new dork! ๐Ÿ˜† Sunny, you’re no Johnny to titillate us with your chaddis ๐Ÿ˜† or anything like your namesake Sunny (Leone) ๐Ÿ˜›

You look ridiculous trying to play the part of a lovelorn puppy. Tussi puppy nahi, Paa(pa)ji ho ๐Ÿ˜† and you don’t have to step back in circa 1999, doing all that you did in Sill(y)lagi…oops Dillagi ๐Ÿ˜† Come to think of it, he looked like a cradle-snatcher twenty years ago too! ๐Ÿ˜€

Handpump tak toh theek tha, aur kuch mat ukhaadna! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜›

Seems like Kangana RanOATH likes me muttering those distasteful oaths ๐Ÿ˜† Psycho chick avatar was wayyyyy better, at least that I did not as much loathe! ๐Ÿ˜‰

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3] ‘SIGH’ Paranjpye: I feel for the woman. I really do! I can’t help but SIGH! ๐Ÿ˜€ The woman’s hopping mad that a director of David Dhawan’s calibre (and this I don’t mean in a good way!) had the audacity and gumption to remake her classic. Known for inventing the highly infamous and extremely loud ‘Govinda color scheme’, make sure you carry your kaale CHASHME to the theatre ๐Ÿ˜† and don’t forget to spout those BADDOO(aas) ๐Ÿ˜†

BELOW: Aise hi, audience ke liye dhoondthe reh jaaoge! We still prefer our ‘Chamko’! ๐Ÿ˜›

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Kalam Ko No Mera Salaam

A decade ago, B-Town churned out its first full-blown (and shamelessly-copied) sexual harassment drama, Aitraaz. I had just landed a plum job (well, at least it seemed like that, then, to a fresher like me) in a leading ad agency and I vividly remember how my ‘seniors’ gave the bigg boss some golis about going out for market research and whisked gullible moi to the black marketeers instead, making me pay through my nose and every other orifice there is for 6 first-day-first-show balcony ticketsย  ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

And one of my dearest bhidus, Bhaskar (who preferred being called Bastard because it sounded cooler!!!), even yanked out a pair of blue shades, excited at the prospect of watching a blue film ๐Ÿ˜† or something close to it ๐Ÿ™„

Cut to ten years later. There was a reunion of sorts last Saturday and we all decided to catch…you guessed it!!! Inkaar…a movie on the ad fraternity, a world my bumchums STILL belong to…some of them occupying the same positions too!!! Talk about being unamBITCHYious ๐Ÿ˜›

While I was plain disgusted with the way B-Town’s Abdul Kalam, Mr. Sudhir Mishra, ๐Ÿ˜† was loosening his grip on a taut and gripping first half post intermission, my companions were babbling excitedly, thrilled to see glimpses of themselves in Chitrangada and Arjun ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Maybe it’s time to make new friends ๐Ÿ˜›

With the film going all over the place and the climax being the proverbial anti-climax, I really didn’t care if Arjun was a B or Chitrangada, a bigger B. I just wanted to B from the theatre….bhaag ๐Ÿ˜†

Of late, I’ve noticed quite a few capable and accomplished directors succumb to this silly syndrome of building a great plot, even greater excitement and just when we begin to laud them mentally, they make a daud for dear life ๐Ÿ˜† knowing we’ll bash them black and blue and every other color there is for swinging that dud of an ending in our unsuspecting faces! You can be sure Reema Kagti won’t be making another movie for a long time and pretty soon we’ll be on a talaash for her ๐Ÿ˜€

As far as performances went, I could essay the part of Maya with greater finesse…provided I looked like her! Chitrangada’s unparalleled beauty reminded me of something a heartbroken Ross whines to Rachel when Charlie the Kaali ๐Ÿ˜† breaks up with him. “There was one! She’s it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge!” The last time an actress made me feel like going under the knife was Kat Kaif in Namastey London.

Anyway, Arjun looks better than he can act and the buzz is they are considering his performance for the National Award ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Right through the movie, I kept wondering if he and Miss Singh were to have kids, how gorgeous they’d be! That says a lot about pitching in a riveting performance, right?ย  ๐Ÿ™„

Maybe if Kalam gives his movie’s patrons a dabba of malam, I might be a little more forgiving…