DON’t!

15 August 2013 will indeed go down in the annals of history as the real D-Day! Pun-Intended! Kyunki us din Duniya mein jitne saare Don the, woh sab Once Upon Ay Time in Mumbaai Dobaara dekhke shahid ho gaye! ๐Ÿ˜†

Kutria …whoops…Luthria ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† has terribly caricaturized and diluted the essence of a true bhai. Watching his latest is sure to make Dawood cry!

Akki, the most impotent bhai in town :lol:, engages more in Linegiri than Bhaigiri ๐Ÿ˜†

Lines that are absurd to the point of seeming that they were lifted straight off the back of an autorickshaw plying in Bhendi Bazaar :lol:, here’s a sneak peek into the inanity that is OUATIMD:

(airing his views on love): “Pyaar aaj kal naukrani jaise ban gaya hai. Aata hai, bell bajata hai, kaam karke chala jaata hai.” ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

(on the changing face of Bombay): This one’s a killer! “Yeh Bumbai, Kumkum se Kimi Katkar ki tarah lag rahi hai!โ€ ๐Ÿ˜† Manda(bi)kini ki tarah kyun nahi, Shoaib ji? ๐Ÿ˜›

Anyway, Bhai recruits his protege, Aslam, from A SLUM (get the connection?) ๐Ÿ˜† in DONgri, the breeding ground of future DONS! ๐Ÿ˜† The same place DONny Boyle scoured and became a millionaire! ๐Ÿ˜†

Anyway, our desi ASLAMdog also turns millionaire jab SONAkshi uske haath lagti hain! ๐Ÿ˜† Her Jasmine should have been named ASPIRIN! That insufferable an actress! ๐Ÿ˜†

The don starts fighting tooth and nail for her to be his moll while the woman reminded me so much of Harry Potter movies ka troll! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† Dekha nateeja pura din kaala chashma pehnne ka? ๐Ÿ˜‰

In one scene, a train whizzes past Imran’s and Sona’s heads and a SRK loyalist in the audience screamed, “Woh dekh! Chennai Express unko gaad rahi hai!” ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† Amen to that!

BELOW: DONkey…nahi :razz:…DON ki toh baja di isne! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

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Lootera ne band kiya muh mera!

No, No. Shotgun didn’t pop up at the screening to boom out ‘KHAAMOSHHHH’ at me! ๐Ÿ˜€ I’m just amazed that cinema at its simplistic best, with minimal dialogue but heaps of an intoxicating old-world charm, could weave its magic on a chatter-box like me and render me speechless.

Ok, so, Ranveer falls off his bike and glares malevolently at SonHATHI. ๐Ÿ˜† He suspects the mini elephant and not her car is who tossed him into the ditch! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Thus begins Vikramadityaโ€™s second directorial outing, Lootera. A vintage romance set in the early 50s where India is not the only one whoโ€™s liberated herself ๐Ÿ˜› Thereโ€™s Sonakshi, the virginal daughter of a Zamindar in Manikpur, WB, whoโ€™s also mighty eager to liberate herself sexually with the charismatic stranger whoโ€™s stormed into their lives.

Itโ€™s all done in a nice way, though. Not wantonly…remember Vidya Balan in Parineeta? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ There was something so pure about their gentle lip-lock and when the leads consummated their relationship just as tenderly, it was nothing short of orgasmic! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Painting by day and panting at night! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Alas! Ranveer ditches Sonakshi at the altar! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ No wonder the ladies are still against Dicky Ball! ๐Ÿ˜† But what I suspect happened here is he broke a bone or two when the heavyweight champion wrestled him in bed! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† He limps out of the plot having stolen what heโ€™d come for. He also inadvertently robs Sonakshi of her capability to love and to live.

The apparent callousness of his gesture proves to be too much for her old father. He’s next in line to desert her by departing for a world that knows no deceit. To complicate matters, thereโ€™s a debilitating illness racking Sona’s violated body,but strangely, she feels no pain. Sheโ€™s survived the worst pain of them all. That which arises out of having your heart broken! The clock is ticking and the warm glow of life is seeping out of her soul, slowly and steadily.

Overnight, the vivid hues of zestful Bengal become overwhelming โ€“ the azure lakes, the verdant forests, the golden fields, the dusty gullis. Life has been stripped of all colour. Now all that appeals to the defunct painter within is the starkness of Dalhousie. A La Jab We Met!

I might be digressing but the characters of Pakhi and Geet are almost like mirror images of each other. Both women child-like, both spurned in love, both scurry to the Himalayan foothills hoping to vanish into oblivion, both opt for a drab life as if to punish themselves for being jolly and vibrant earlier, both render gut-wrenching performances that make the audience root for them…..

Anyway, Dalhousie has been captured in the throes of winter, the stark white perfectly exposing Sona’s colorless existence. Sheโ€™s working on a book, something to keep her busy in the last days. Like Johnsy in Oโ€™Henry The Last Leaf, she is painfully aware of the leaves that are fast disappearing and before the last leaf follows suit, she must achieve the very last goal of her life.

By a quirky twist of fate, a year later, the last person she’d like to see makes an unexpected reappearance and topples the apple cart one more time. Will the con artist turn into a master artist? Can he go out of his comfort zone to deceive a pro like her by painting a very believable likeness of the last leaf? That leaf that braves all odds so that she too will derive enough hope and a zest for life to follow suit. Can he make adequate amends in the life of the woman he faulted so gravely? This sets the course for the remainder of the story.

Coming over to the acting. I found Ranveerโ€™s performance to be quite stilted. If youโ€™ve watched how unrestrained he was in Band Baaja Baaraat, youโ€™ll know just how inhibited he seemed in Ladies V/s Ricky Bahl. And that was a role he could have had so much fun with!

Sonakshi is first-rate as Pakhi. Heeding her fatherโ€™s advice, sheโ€™s stayed โ€˜Khamossshhhhโ€™ through most of the film. The strategy seems to have paid off as her silences have conveyed so much more meaning to the proceedings. I loved the vulnerability she exposed when she begs Ranveer to profess just a little love for her in return, when she pleads with him to meet her..achcha aaj nahi toh kal??? Accha toh phir parso??? For a woman of her time to disregard her dignity so is a big deal and it tugged at my heartstrings. This is Sonakshiโ€™s film all the way. It really should have been named Looteran! This woman steals your breath away…and your heart…that effortlessly!

As for the cinematography, I have just two words for it. Top-notch! Lootera is to films what The Last Leaf is to prose! If that ainโ€™t a compliment, I donโ€™t know what is! It truly is one of the few poignant love stories that offers complete closure thereby satiating you fully. Watch it if youโ€™ve ever experienced love in its truest form…or even if you havenโ€™t!

BELOW: When life robs of you of everything worth living for, there’s still hope to see you through!

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Shear DAAYAN-amite!

As I sat watching Ek Thi Daayan, I couldn’t help wondering what her journey from DOYEN to DAAYAN would be like. Transitioning from the measly 21cm to the massive 70mm, Ektaโ€™s would have been the most convincing of debuts in the history of B-Town. She does look like a witch and acts like a complete bitch, after all! ๐Ÿ˜›

See, I told ya! ๐Ÿ˜†

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Anyway, getting back to the movie.

Who names their kid Bobo? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ
That name was a BAFFLER alright! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

So baby Bobo from SoBo ๐Ÿ™„ is like the biggest dodo Iโ€™ve seen ๐Ÿ˜† His fears include:

โ€ข JAAL (the claustrophobic elevator that he believes descends beyond the ground floor into hell) ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

โ€ข BAAL (the Garnier long and strong choti of his wicked stepmom ๐Ÿ˜† For the benefit of us dim-witted audience, she has also conveniently been named DAAYAN-AA/ Diana) ๐Ÿ™„

โ€ข And PAAL (the slimy gecko this psycho thinks she metamorphoses into) ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

The fixation with the AALs continues into adulthood. Big Babol…oops…Bobo ๐Ÿ˜† fasaaos a MAAL in his pyaar ka JAAL ๐Ÿ˜‰ and the frisky couple also decide to cement their relationship by adopting a BAAL..this time it’s not the hair… :lol:….it’s a cutesy little baby bear!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Enter the tongue twister Kalki Koechlin ๐Ÿ˜† and all hell breaks loose. AAL izzzzz clearly not well! As sudden as lightning came the hallucinations, that made me go Hallelujah!!! The baffler had me so baffled by his weirdness that I had to tuck my lustrous long ponytail into my T-shirt for fear of having it chopped off! I mean, Mr. Amaron Kissme literally transformed into the Amaron Bunny, ๐Ÿ˜† chasing every woman he saw with a long choti with an even longer pair of kainchis ๐Ÿ˜† Tel endorsement deals gaye tel lene! ๐Ÿ˜€

The climax, as with all recent B-wood offerings, was the proverbial anticlimax. I wonโ€™t tell you who fuelled/ incensed whom and who duelled whom but if youโ€™ve ever seen a Ramsay climax, youโ€™ll find yourself appreciating it for its superb finesse ๐Ÿ˜†

Thereโ€™s always the good, the bad and the ugly in every film. Let’s dissect them slowly, one by one (in the perverse way that a Daayan relishes dissecting her victims :wink:)

The Good:

โ€ข About ten years ago, RGVโ€™s Bhoot had me jumping up every time my doorbell rang ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Thatโ€™s the power of a brilliantly-visualized and executed set. ETDโ€™s art direction is so damn eerie, the slithery lizards so frikkinโ€™ creepy, the claustrophobic elevator and spooky corridors so terrifyingly creaky and Konkonaโ€™s reptilian smile so bloody freaky, I swear Iโ€™m not trying to take your mickey! ๐Ÿ˜€

The Bad:

โ€ข The name Bobo suits a retarded baboon better ๐Ÿ˜† And every scare doesnโ€™t have to be a nightmare/ hallucination ๐Ÿ™„ We prefer the regular real-time scares, thank you!

The Ugly:

Once a hardcore critic of the Ramsay brothers and their brand of cinema, theyโ€™ve earned a diehard fan post this one ๐Ÿ˜†

In a nutshell, ETD isnโ€™t exactly path-breaking cinema but Iโ€™m glad it doesnโ€™t pander to the Hollywood scarefest syndrome either. Iโ€™m talking to you Saif!

Chudails and Daayans are a relatively virgin premise in B-town and kudos to the team of ETD for having the guts to make such a big-budget film on the subject. But a whole is always a sum of its parts. While there are an ample number of spectacular parts in the film, particularly in the first half, the second half has been designed to make you laugh ๐Ÿ˜† Hara-kiri or should I say HAIRY-kiri ๐Ÿ˜† in the case of a psycho-horror film!

Still worth a watch. Who knows? You may actually end up including it in your disc collection!

BELOW: Interesting trampoline this! ๐Ÿ˜†

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Kaay Show Che!

A portly gentleman seated next to me in the theater wondered aloud why B-Town was consistently paying tributes only to stories of friendships between men. I was itching to say,

A happy and GAY industry we are ๐Ÿ˜‰ hence the abundance of male-bonding flicks- DCH, Rock On!, Dostana, ZMND, SOTY, Kai Po Che ๐Ÿ˜†

Anyway, the lights dimmed, the curtains rose and we froze ๐Ÿ˜† into statues, the National Anthem playing in the background and all ๐Ÿ˜€ I am feeling mighty giddy-headed today ๐Ÿ˜€

Kai Po Che…Ah! I should say Kai Show Che! ๐Ÿ˜€
Wow! The anthem really is having an effect on my choice of words, linguistic integration and all ๐Ÿ˜†

For once, I didn’t see any glossy sets, flashy Armanis, swanky wheels, more layers of facial greasepaint than those of an onion :lol:, women retiring to bed as though they have to attend the Big Fat Indian Wedding in their dreams ๐Ÿ˜† OTT overacting…

I saw you and me in Kai Po Che…simple normal people with no pretensions whatsoever, living in matchbox homes that are begging for a fresh coat of paint, surrounded by noisy gullis and dusty maidans…I truly felt at home watching Kai Po Che…pun intended ๐Ÿ˜‰

Coming to the performances, Manav/ Ishaan is the the dashing gully cricketer in KPC, so I’ll talk in the language he speaks. I was clean-bowled by his debut act. He’s like those Amol Palekar and Farook Shaikh types. Easy to dismiss off at first glance, but when they get down to doing what they’re supposed to do on screen, you’ll want to worship the ground they walk on!

CHHAKAAs performance ๐Ÿ˜› The only googly was his dialogue delivery. It was hard enough following the gibberish he spouted in Pavitra Rishta when he got mad ๐Ÿ˜€ He gets mad, A LOT, in Kai Po Che and drove me mad by forcing me to figure out what he just said ๐Ÿ˜†

Amit Sadh looks (Seedha) Sadha ๐Ÿ˜€ perfect to portray a deferring Omi. But the beguiling debutant pitches in a rocker-of-a-climax and in the end, that’s what matters.

Raj Kumar Yadav must have been the seasoned pro out of the lot. And it shows! Like Midas, whatever he has starred in has turned to gold and Kai Po Che should be no different!

‘REAL’ ….that’s the key word! Everything about KPC is just that! The director has exposed relationships as we know them to be in ‘real’ life- IMPERFECTLY PERFECT!

You’ll find glimpses of temperaments that we love and hate, ambitions we have nursed and destroyed (willingly or unwillingly), disappointments we have suffered and braved, hurt we have died of (at least it seemed like that at first) but then bounced back from, revenge that has consumed us and liberated us …there’s no doctoring and diluting of stuff in KPC to come up with that happy ending.

Kai Po Che is slice-of-life cinema at its best!

A pavitra rishta

So, I have a major problem when titles are inconsistent with the storyline. Like Talaash: The Answer Lies Within…within the Arabian sea, within Aamir’s head, (with) in his pants ;-), where???

Titles like ‘Bade Achche Lagte Hain’ work for meย  cuz Ram Kapoor is, well, Bade! With a capital B!!! ๐Ÿ˜†

Another Balaji hit, Pavitra Rishta, totally justified its title. The protagonists went through all the eyeball grabbing tricks in the book….an innocent courtship, a high-voltage marriage, a celibate judaai, a happily-ever-after kinda remarriage with the protagonists remaining true to one another despite all the temptations life threw their way.

Moral of the Story: Charitra was Pavitra hence the title was PURRRFECT!

Welcome time leap and Ekta needs to don her thinking cap for a new name. Cuz there’s a character, Arjun, who is DK’s son and a complete D_ _K!

Our testosterone-laden champ courts one of the protagonist’s daughters- Ovi, then falls hard for an “adopted” daughter- Purvi (both girls being unaware upto a certain point of being sisters), then ‘reluctantly’ marries the first and ‘happily’ impregnates her but not before defiling the other and leaving her to fend for herself and a “BIG” stomach in an alien city!!!

All the sanskaars be damned, far too many rishtas here and none pavitra in the least!

I’m okay with these TRP-garnering gimmicks. But I get mighty pissed when scriptwriters credit us viewers with far less intelligence than they ought to. I mean, Purvi has been known to sigh and recoil, blushing furiously, when Arjun accidentally brushes her arm and stuff, and just when we were convinced that her ‘aai’s’ parvarish deserves an A+, the crafty thing leaves home on the pretext of giving her sister and brother-in-law/ex-lover space only to become an ‘aai’ in some other part of the country. Aai La!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

Image Courtesy: www.desitvforum.net

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What goes up must come down!

So, the entire nation was celebrating Big Bโ€™s 70th. Birthday in a BIGGGGG way. Chhota B(heem) ๐Ÿ™‚ came on air and said something about being very humbled that 70 artists from all over the country joined hands to exhibit a painting each on his illustrious father and I remember thinking, โ€˜Poor you! You wonโ€™t be enjoying this privilege for sure!โ€™ ๐Ÿ™‚

I sometimes wonder whether the invincible Big B finds a lump forming in his throat because his son doesnโ€™t receive the same amount of adulation as he still does. I mean, doesn’t every parent wish for bigger and better things to happen to their child?

My father caught me looking pensive and asked what was bothering me. When I told him that Babyโ€™s success would probably be the biggest gift for AB, he said, โ€œThatโ€™s life! Itโ€™s like a giantwheel. People who are at the top canโ€™t stay put there forever. And those at the bottom canโ€™t always remain there.โ€

So true, na? Thereโ€™s Jeetendra, a yesteryear superstar, who must be lamenting why Tussharโ€™s career hasnโ€™t really taken off. This was the heir who was supposed to eclipse his success, wasnโ€™t he? The progeny of Smita Patil and Raj Babbar turned out to be but a one-film wonder.

At the other end of the spectrum are Babita and Randhir. Absolute duds in their era but whose blue-eyed girls have achieved much more than perhaps any male scion of the Kapoor family has (barring Ranbir, of course!) ๐Ÿ˜‰

Rakesh Roshan might have been a miserable failure at the BO, but life wasnโ€™t so cruel! The Gods gifted him an Adonis lookalike, complete with a full head of gorgeous hair and all, unlike him! ๐Ÿ˜‰ As if that wasnโ€™t enough, his son could act, sing, dance, jump, fly and has been doing this for the last 12 years and counting!

Nothing needs to be said about Kajol whose mother didnโ€™t taste half the success that she has! And then, thereโ€™s Kajolโ€™s husband Ajay Devgn, who shines in every genre, unlike his father, who was forced to shed his ambition of becoming a hero and was restricted to being a mere stunt double.

If success truly skips a generation, ย makes you wonder na what course would Aryan and Suhanaโ€™s lives chart? Would Vivek Oberoiโ€™s kids be the next biggest thing to have happened to Bollywood twenty years hence?

Only time will tell!