Hain?!!!!???

Who knew the monosyllable Vidya Balan spouts more times than you would blink your eyes actually makes for an apt title for the movie! Seriously, most things about Ghanchakkar are bleh and will certainly elicit a dozen โ€˜Hains?!?โ€™ from you ๐Ÿ˜†

A crime thriller infused with copious amounts of humour, meet the LAZY LAD Sanjay Athraye. A lackadaisical Emraan, presumably numbed by the high-voltage drama in his professional life as an ace safe-cracker, is shown to prefer the TV over the Biwi at home! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

For all the years of kissing Emraan has clocked in, he comes across as highly impotent in the film! A particularly sharp tongue wondered aloud if this was the revenge of the Lovegods after all! ๐Ÿ˜€ Nothing can manage to arouse the lazy lad from his dazed stupor, not even Vidyaโ€™s raunchy manoeuvres in his eternal comfort zone, the bedroom. ๐Ÿ˜› So much for shouting from rooftops ki

Main Entertainment Hoon!

๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Next is the CRAZY AULAD, Neetu Athraye! ๐Ÿ˜€ Through her character of a feisty Punjaban fashionista, Vidya has avenged that dreary pinafored look she was stuck with in Kahaani. Her Playboyish ensembles can send Hefnerโ€™s bunnies scurrying to their holes…in shock, of course! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Bandi yeh BINDAAS hai, who doesnโ€™t even spare her ARSE of a SAAS for getting too PAAS! ๐Ÿ˜† Her culinary experiments can best be summed up as โ€˜akin to eating GHAASโ€™ ๐Ÿ˜† but you donโ€™t want to point that out! Why risk becoming a victim of her BHADAAS? ๐Ÿ˜†

Enter the CHADDI BADD(ies), Idris and Pandit. I got to see a lot more of these two than I bargained for! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ They storm into the couple’s cozy pad to claim their share of wads from a daring heist theyโ€™d committed a couple of months ago.

Executing the loot by donning very โ€˜realโ€™ masks of Amitabh, Dharmendra and Utpal Dutt was sheer genius! The audience was in splits!!! I thought what would take the scene a few notches higher would be Emraan wearing Kareenaโ€™s mask getting a crack at the โ€˜SAIFโ€™. Get it? ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† That would seriously crack me up! ๐Ÿ˜€

My noisy neighbor griped that the trio should have drawn inspiration from real-life vandals instead and worn masks of Sonia, Rahul and Manmohan Singh!!! ๐Ÿ˜› Oooh..that would have been Oooh La La! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Then starts the Bheja Fry. Oh, btw, this filmโ€™s pace is just as sluggish. Is Sanjay shrewdly pulling off a Ghajini on them? Or did he really get robbed of his memory in that terrible accident we never get to see shortly after the burglary? Is the wife naive or is she someone waiting to stab the others in the back with a knife?

The story begins running in circles, as many as those present on Emraanโ€™s polka-dotted red night suit!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Just do a RUN-CHAKKAR. Steer Clear!

BELOW: OMG! This poster shows you in 2 seconds what I saw for 2 whole frikkin’ hours!!!!

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Shear DAAYAN-amite!

As I sat watching Ek Thi Daayan, I couldn’t help wondering what her journey from DOYEN to DAAYAN would be like. Transitioning from the measly 21cm to the massive 70mm, Ektaโ€™s would have been the most convincing of debuts in the history of B-Town. She does look like a witch and acts like a complete bitch, after all! ๐Ÿ˜›

See, I told ya! ๐Ÿ˜†

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Anyway, getting back to the movie.

Who names their kid Bobo? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ
That name was a BAFFLER alright! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

So baby Bobo from SoBo ๐Ÿ™„ is like the biggest dodo Iโ€™ve seen ๐Ÿ˜† His fears include:

โ€ข JAAL (the claustrophobic elevator that he believes descends beyond the ground floor into hell) ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

โ€ข BAAL (the Garnier long and strong choti of his wicked stepmom ๐Ÿ˜† For the benefit of us dim-witted audience, she has also conveniently been named DAAYAN-AA/ Diana) ๐Ÿ™„

โ€ข And PAAL (the slimy gecko this psycho thinks she metamorphoses into) ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

The fixation with the AALs continues into adulthood. Big Babol…oops…Bobo ๐Ÿ˜† fasaaos a MAAL in his pyaar ka JAAL ๐Ÿ˜‰ and the frisky couple also decide to cement their relationship by adopting a BAAL..this time it’s not the hair… :lol:….it’s a cutesy little baby bear!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Enter the tongue twister Kalki Koechlin ๐Ÿ˜† and all hell breaks loose. AAL izzzzz clearly not well! As sudden as lightning came the hallucinations, that made me go Hallelujah!!! The baffler had me so baffled by his weirdness that I had to tuck my lustrous long ponytail into my T-shirt for fear of having it chopped off! I mean, Mr. Amaron Kissme literally transformed into the Amaron Bunny, ๐Ÿ˜† chasing every woman he saw with a long choti with an even longer pair of kainchis ๐Ÿ˜† Tel endorsement deals gaye tel lene! ๐Ÿ˜€

The climax, as with all recent B-wood offerings, was the proverbial anticlimax. I wonโ€™t tell you who fuelled/ incensed whom and who duelled whom but if youโ€™ve ever seen a Ramsay climax, youโ€™ll find yourself appreciating it for its superb finesse ๐Ÿ˜†

Thereโ€™s always the good, the bad and the ugly in every film. Let’s dissect them slowly, one by one (in the perverse way that a Daayan relishes dissecting her victims :wink:)

The Good:

โ€ข About ten years ago, RGVโ€™s Bhoot had me jumping up every time my doorbell rang ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Thatโ€™s the power of a brilliantly-visualized and executed set. ETDโ€™s art direction is so damn eerie, the slithery lizards so frikkinโ€™ creepy, the claustrophobic elevator and spooky corridors so terrifyingly creaky and Konkonaโ€™s reptilian smile so bloody freaky, I swear Iโ€™m not trying to take your mickey! ๐Ÿ˜€

The Bad:

โ€ข The name Bobo suits a retarded baboon better ๐Ÿ˜† And every scare doesnโ€™t have to be a nightmare/ hallucination ๐Ÿ™„ We prefer the regular real-time scares, thank you!

The Ugly:

Once a hardcore critic of the Ramsay brothers and their brand of cinema, theyโ€™ve earned a diehard fan post this one ๐Ÿ˜†

In a nutshell, ETD isnโ€™t exactly path-breaking cinema but Iโ€™m glad it doesnโ€™t pander to the Hollywood scarefest syndrome either. Iโ€™m talking to you Saif!

Chudails and Daayans are a relatively virgin premise in B-town and kudos to the team of ETD for having the guts to make such a big-budget film on the subject. But a whole is always a sum of its parts. While there are an ample number of spectacular parts in the film, particularly in the first half, the second half has been designed to make you laugh ๐Ÿ˜† Hara-kiri or should I say HAIRY-kiri ๐Ÿ˜† in the case of a psycho-horror film!

Still worth a watch. Who knows? You may actually end up including it in your disc collection!

BELOW: Interesting trampoline this! ๐Ÿ˜†

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The Long and Short of it…

“Bite your tongue before you speak,” my mother would always say. The only boneless muscle in the body, you can count on it to slip and make others flip ๐Ÿ˜€

Apni BONG has quite a looooooong TONGue ๐Ÿ˜› Apparently Bips had a problem with Mr. Amaron Kissme’s overactive lips ๐Ÿ˜† Citing irreconcilable height differences, Basu was the reason for his aasu ๐Ÿ˜† Back then, she was basking in the warmth of the beedis she’d jalaoed and preoccupied doing racy stuff with Saif. It was also a time when Once Upon A Time in Mumbai, The Dirty Picture, and Shanghai had yet to see the light of day.

Back-to-back hits in two consecutive years catapulted the underdog into the big league. Overnight, every A-list actress worth her salt had a profound change of heart and shed all her inhibitions about onscreen exhibitionism in her desperation to be his arm candy.

Times had changed, the tables had turned and Miss Basu began feeling like Miss bASSu ๐Ÿ˜€ Not wanting to give her a taste of her own medicine, the ever-gracious Hashmi let bygones be bygones and gave her career a new lease of life with Raaz 3.

I liked the way he tackled a question probing how he felt being paired with saleable actresses finally. Here’s his kick-ass reply:

Actresses have their reasons. Probably they felt that I couldnโ€™t clock in the numbers at the box office that time. I think Bipasha had said that I was short for her…kind of a metaphor (laughing), but Iโ€™ve gotten taller (laughing louder) over the past couple of years. Now sheโ€™s okay with my height, so now sheโ€™s okay to work with me. (big smile)

What has helped you gain that height?
Box office! Itโ€™s always the box office, itโ€™s always the numbers your film opens up to.

Looks like splitting up with a Greek-God kinda BF has opened Bips’ eyes to the other regular-looking, supremely talented guys who inhabit our planet. Last heard, she’s pairing with someone as ordinary-looking as Nawazuddin Siddiqui ๐Ÿ˜ฏ for her next. But since he happens to be a powerhouse performer and a sureshot way of reviving her sinking career, Bips can have the last laugh… or quips, should we say! ๐Ÿ˜†