Die, Flee Or Bear!

A more apt title for I, Me Aur Main! ๐Ÿ˜€

Aye Max, John ka pata nahi, par Jagga Daku AB RAHAM nahi karega!

This was the spine-chilling warning issued by one John to another in the buildup to possibly the most moronic of climaxes B’wood is famed for. Superbly coined by the incorrigible Sajid Khan, I’ve always had to reach out for my Hajmolas n Hingolis each time I hear it. My stomach aches that bad from all the laughing ๐Ÿ˜†

Anyway, little did I know how prophetic that statement would be! After watching the shitfest that is I,M&M, even us law-abiding citizens won’t have any RAHAM on Johnny Gaddar? and taking a cue from Jagga Daku, we’d be more than happy to wield our CHAAKUS ๐Ÿ˜†

John’s is the worst case of regression I’ve seen. He did a Kabul Express and we were blown away by that sexy, lethal human bomb hurtling straight into our hearts. What proved fatal was that terrible overdoseย of Garam Masala! Was he hoping to permanently silence scathing tongues like mine? ๐Ÿ˜›

Then he had a meaty role in New York followed by aย MEATy role of a ‘different’ kind ๐Ÿ˜‰ on the beaches of Miami! ๐Ÿ˜†

Just when he becomes a Force to reckon with, casting away doubts that he can do justice to a solo hero project, emerged Housefull 2, whose title was at best an antithesis! ๐Ÿ˜†

After producing top class SEMENa ๐Ÿ˜ฏ oops cinema ๐Ÿ˜€ by way of Vicky Donor, he throws something as IMMpotent as I,M&M in our faces. Jon shakes his bon bon, A LOT, given that he’s playing an A+ narcissist in the film. But even that novelty has worn off. No more is he the Greek God Adonis. Seems more like India’s official CHADD(I)ONIS! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Chitrangada, true to her name, is a certified ‘gadha’ ๐Ÿ˜† beating the excellent reputationย she’s built for herself with Bheem Ka Gada! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Prachi is like one of those preachy, disciplinarian types. Very wannabe-ish. I personally can’t tolerate her for more than 30 secs. So henceforth, I’ll make sure I see her only as Miss Sofy who has to take Flyte soon ๐Ÿ˜€

Post intermission, it waw just I, Me Aur Main in the theatre. That I chose this over Ramu Kaka’s Special Chhabis drove me to bang my head against the wall and rows and rows of empty chairs! I couldn’t evenย blame and curseย my favorite scapegoat, my hubby ๐Ÿ™„ Since it was just I, Me Aur Main left! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ



Race 2 the Exit!

Poor Shakespeare got it all wrong when he trivialized the importance of a name.ย  After watching Race 2, I’m convinced a lot rides on it and if only Abbas-Mustan had to add two extra words, ‘THE EXIT’, to the title of their film, the world would have been a much sweeter place!

So, here’s another scathing review, something I seem to be getting good at with each passing Friday ๐Ÿ˜‰

  1. Ab Bas!: This whitewashed director-duo ๐Ÿ˜† who have a penchant for the greys clearly lost the plot after the last sensible movie they made 21 years ago! Abbas grabbed virtually every mm of space available in my bible (the BT) making pompous claims of Race 2 being THE film to rock 2013. Apophis couldn’t do it, Race 2 kya khaak karega? ๐Ÿ˜†
  2. Lace 2: Skin and Sex are the new substitutes for Substance in Bollywood. Plenty of cleavage and derriere, in ZOOM MODE, to keep things RACEy ๐Ÿ˜›
  3. Cherry on the Icing: That Ameesha, an Economics gold medalist ๐Ÿ˜ฏ has a cherry-seed-sized brain is something that I always suspected. But after reading her interview that it was tough to essay the part of the ditzy assistant, Cherry, begging for the clever robber Robert ๐Ÿ˜† to rob her of her virginity and pop her cherry ๐Ÿ˜† I think I’ll die laughing before I can complete this sentence…..hahahahhahahahahahhaha…Classic piece of casting! Couch and all! ๐Ÿ˜‰
  4. Laath nahi lagi?: Ummm…anyway…(regaining composure)…Moving over to the other Lolita- tacky Jackie ๐Ÿ˜› “Lat Lag Gayi” was to be her “Kiss Me, Touch Me”. Achcha hua laath nahi lagi for proving to us that you have two left feet ๐Ÿ™„
  5. Shake Your Bon Bon, Jon: After prancing about on Miami’s sun-kissed beach in a pair of barely-there yellow chaddies, how could a sedate cagefight be orgasmic? Jonny boy, what were you thinking when you said this is your ‘item number’ for your female fans?!?
  6. Moving over to another John. John McClane: I loooooooove John McClane! Like wine, he gets better with age ๐Ÿ˜‰ There was this one scene of him killing a copter with a maamuli-sa sedan in DH4. Back then, I thought it was one of the most contrived pieces of shit I’ve ever seen. Boy, was I wrong! The car in Race 2 kills a burning airplane and even sprouts a few parachutes out its sides to scare us with the prospect of another lame sequel ๐Ÿ˜ฎ
  7. East or West, India is the best?: If you’ve never visited Turkey, don’t bother! You can see it in its full glory for less than 500 bucks in Race 2 ๐Ÿ˜€ What’s ironic is that while our B-town directors are busy scouring every nook and corner on this planet to showcase a new destination in their next, Hollywood filmmakers are looking Eastwards for inspiration. Danny Boyle struck gold in the filthy bylanes of Dharavi. Apna Dharavi! Par ghar ki murghi daal baraabar, nahi?

Anil Kapoor (not sex-starved anymore, thank goodness! Hollywood needs to be credited in this regard :twisted:) said in a recent interview that Race 2 was pure, unadulterated fun. Sure! At our expense! No wonder they’re on such a high!


Steer clear of this one if you don’t want to be left feeling gobsmacked on such a joyous weekend.