Not a Pankha of Tubelight

I just caught Tubelight and it was the most enlightening 3 hours of my life. I’ve concluded:

  1. Salman’s impressive Bajrangi had to be a fluke!
  2. Sohail’s impressive Bharat is certainly a fluke!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

The two play out their real-life relationship on reel and it’s so sickeningly sweet, bhai’s fans could do without a helping of Sheer Korma on Eid! Director Kabir Khan really overdid the Cheeni in this one.. Pun intended!๐Ÿ˜

Set against the backdrop of the Sino-Indian War of 1962, Sohail, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Mr. Bean, has to go fight the Cheen๐Ÿ˜‚ I kid you not but the soldiers have been shown as actually ambling across enemy territory like one would in a park!๐Ÿ˜ฑ No wonder we lost! ๐Ÿ˜‚Kabir Khan’s expertise lies in war films but the war montage here is laughable at best.

China prepares for a truce and sets up a Laxman Rekha, but how I wish they’d draw a Rekha for the real Laxman in the film! ๐Ÿ˜‚ Salman really overstepped his boundary in the film! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚Whatever glory was garnered in Bajrangi Bhaijaan, he’s given it up all without a fight (pun intended) in Tubelight. He does nothing that endears him toย his pankhas. No mara mari, no shirtless savari ๐Ÿ˜‚ Only his pravachan is jaari! ๐Ÿ˜‚

Yakeen hamesha dil mein rakho, dushmano se dosti karo, aur audience ko slow poison dekar maaro!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

A local magician exhorts him to believe and hope with all his heart to get things moving in life and he moves a bottle, then a mountain, but all the while, movesย us to tears!And I don’t mean that in a good way! His man-child act is so farcical when you compare it to a Krish or to a Samar. Salman’s expressions are so contrived, he ends up caricaturing Laxman horribly. I didn’t even tear up once in what were intended to be emotional scenes. Words like goo, susu and potty sum up the humor quotient of the film. Toilet humor is so passe and yet the bhai bhakts were rolling in mirth! ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Chinese import Zhu Zhu is as bland as the cuisine of her land! ๐Ÿ˜‚ Her son, Matin, is cute as a button but, this talkative munna is no match for the mute munni. And after watching such a jaded, preachy film, I’m speechless too! Again, not in a good way!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Die, Flee Or Bear!

A more apt title for I, Me Aur Main! ๐Ÿ˜€

Aye Max, John ka pata nahi, par Jagga Daku AB RAHAM nahi karega!

This was the spine-chilling warning issued by one John to another in the buildup to possibly the most moronic of climaxes B’wood is famed for. Superbly coined by the incorrigible Sajid Khan, I’ve always had to reach out for my Hajmolas n Hingolis each time I hear it. My stomach aches that bad from all the laughing ๐Ÿ˜†

Anyway, little did I know how prophetic that statement would be! After watching the shitfest that is I,M&M, even us law-abiding citizens won’t have any RAHAM on Johnny Gaddar? and taking a cue from Jagga Daku, we’d be more than happy to wield our CHAAKUS ๐Ÿ˜†

John’s is the worst case of regression I’ve seen. He did a Kabul Express and we were blown away by that sexy, lethal human bomb hurtling straight into our hearts. What proved fatal was that terrible overdoseย of Garam Masala! Was he hoping to permanently silence scathing tongues like mine? ๐Ÿ˜›

Then he had a meaty role in New York followed by aย MEATy role of a ‘different’ kind ๐Ÿ˜‰ on the beaches of Miami! ๐Ÿ˜†

Just when he becomes a Force to reckon with, casting away doubts that he can do justice to a solo hero project, emerged Housefull 2, whose title was at best an antithesis! ๐Ÿ˜†

After producing top class SEMENa ๐Ÿ˜ฏ oops cinema ๐Ÿ˜€ by way of Vicky Donor, he throws something as IMMpotent as I,M&M in our faces. Jon shakes his bon bon, A LOT, given that he’s playing an A+ narcissist in the film. But even that novelty has worn off. No more is he the Greek God Adonis. Seems more like India’s official CHADD(I)ONIS! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Chitrangada, true to her name, is a certified ‘gadha’ ๐Ÿ˜† beating the excellent reputationย she’s built for herself with Bheem Ka Gada! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Prachi is like one of those preachy, disciplinarian types. Very wannabe-ish. I personally can’t tolerate her for more than 30 secs. So henceforth, I’ll make sure I see her only as Miss Sofy who has to take Flyte soon ๐Ÿ˜€

Post intermission, it waw just I, Me Aur Main in the theatre. That I chose this over Ramu Kaka’s Special Chhabis drove me to bang my head against the wall and rows and rows of empty chairs! I couldn’t evenย blame and curseย my favorite scapegoat, my hubby ๐Ÿ™„ Since it was just I, Me Aur Main left! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

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