White Tarts, Black Hearts!

At the risk of getting thrashed by half of who constitute the fairer sex, I truly believe that the fairest of them all are also the scariest of them all! ๐Ÿ˜€

Fair-skinned women seem to abound in my universe. I’ve come across so many in school and college, at work, and hell, even in the family! All of who are not just vain but also major pains!

The dreaded white-washed species has infiltrated my mecca as well where one tagline fits all:

Doodh malai sa gora tan, gobar sandaas jaise kaala mann! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Letโ€™s have a look at the vain pusses of B-town then, shall we?

1. Vying for the top honor is Mangalore’s pride and joy, the one and only…..

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Arsewhoreya Rai ๐Ÿ˜† And you thought I was going to rant about another Mangalorean bhoot(n)i? ๐Ÿ˜‰

Anyway, to break up with the boyfriend who tried to defend your modesty is one thing. To break the news of your break up with him in the papers ๐Ÿ˜ฏ is truly outta Miss World…oops…this world! ๐Ÿ˜†

I actually thought Vivek Oberoi would require an eye transplant. I’m sure they fell off just reading that morning’s newspaper! I don’t think he’d be wanting that catty pair of green eyes that has been pledged though! ๐Ÿ˜›

Bhootni Ke ya toh phir Bhootni Gay! Kya farak padhta hai? ;-)

Bhootni Ke ya toh phir Bhootni Gay! Kya farak padhta hai? ๐Ÿ˜‰

2. Next in line is the F@#* F@#* Girl. The one who made Dutt feel like a mutt! ๐Ÿ˜† She fired his imagination by posing a question as innocent as choli ke peeche kya hai? Sanju Baba must have fired her brains out when he shot back with a question of his own. Goli ke peeche kya hai? ๐Ÿ˜† Or rather, kaun hai? ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Anyway, she waved a resolute TATA before even the courts could slap him with TADA ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Marathi mulgi then wafted off to LA LA LAnd to sing ‘Nene karte, Nene karte pyar tumhi se kar baithe!’ ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

And it's supposed to be okay if you do it?

And it’s supposed to be okay if you do it?

3. Zee Cinema recently aired a classic from the 90s and it was then that I discovered that the effeminate Harish wasnโ€™t the female lead of the film as Iโ€™d thought all along! ๐Ÿ˜€

I imagine most of you remember Lolo’s debut film ‘Prem Qaidi’ where she looked more like the spokesperson of the Al Qaida! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

That ghastly! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Replete with the bushy brows, muchchi mouth et al. ๐Ÿ˜† I remember wondering if they’d deliberately knocked off an ‘N’ from the end of her name which otherwise should have read ‘KarisMAN‘! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Anyway, our fair maiden found Kaalia the Crow slightly more appealing than one of her heroes! ๐Ÿ˜† She resisted Devgn’s advances and he backed off. That was when inane cinema ruled the roost! Then Devgn must have downed one too many a glass of Boost! ๐Ÿ˜† Every film he starred in turned to gold.

Overnight, the kauwa became Mr. Lova Lova ๐Ÿ˜† Lolo, hum itne bhi lolia nahi hain! ๐Ÿ˜†

But by then, thankfully, it was too late! The kaalia, so utterly depressed at being rebuffed, must have gone hunting for someone just as black and lo! He stumbled across…well, no prizes for guessing….. Kajol! ๐Ÿ˜†

And this is how it happened for real!

And this is how it happened for real!

4. If the LOL-worthy sister features on my hit list, how can her obnoxious sister be left out? The Bum of Pataudi ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† has on many occasions tried to undermine her co-stars as if she were the ultimate talent ki pudiya! ๐Ÿ™„ More like a dumb-blonde gudiya! Remember Tashan? ๐Ÿ˜†

The Nordic Goddess once called Bipasha a ‘kaali billi’, dismissed John Abraham as being ‘wooden’, has taken pangas with the Big B, forced an ex-lover to become ‘shahid’ literally! And it certainly hasn’t ended there! No wonder with a mouth and a mind as putrid as hers, her KAREER is KAREENING- downwards! ๐Ÿ˜†

Karma?

Karma?

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From Talaash to Goulash

They first attributed the delay in release owing to similarities with Sujoy Ghosh’s masterpiece, Kahaani. Then they insinuated that its plot borrows heavily from ‘Anniyan’, a 2005 Tamil blockbuster and from the grim 2010 Di Caprio starrer ‘Shutter Island’.
And all this while Aamir and his team kept mum. After all, any publicity is good publicity, right?

I can safely certify that Talaash is nothing like any of the flicks cited above. If anything, it’s far more superlative in terms of performances.

Aamir gets into the skin of his character- a tormented soul trying to exorcise his demons by diving headlong into his work. Another stellar job, yet another feather in his cap.

Rani is a breath of clean, fresh air- a clean look, and a clean act, consolidating her position as the Queen of Bollywood.

Kareena is lethal- right from the provocative swaying of her hips to her killer histrionics.

Nawazuddin Siddiqui, the brash, unapologetic special agent in Kahaani does a complete U-Turn as a shady, limping pimp. And if the jury left it to me, he’d be the one getting all the accolades from amongst this bunch of supremely talented actors.

But alas! An actor is only as good as the script and while Talaash is majorly a slow-paced, brilliantly constructed film, its climax was an unappetizing goulash (mish-mash) of sorts.

Without giving the suspense away, I thought it was the desi version of an acclaimed Hollywood psychological thriller that gave us all goosebumps in the last millennium. And another supernatural/horror flick that the Bhatt camp has been milking dry for the last decade or so.

I was reminded of the great fear that consumed me prior to entering the Haunted House at Essel World…the cold sweat trickling down my back…the sudden rush of adrenaline…and I don’t even want to elaborate on how I felt when I was back out in the sunlight!

Talaash’s twist is that nonsensical, that infuriating and THAT big a letdown! It might have been better to share Kahaani’s climax and end on a sensible note than reshoot it in a panic on a half-baked idea!

And here’s what stumps me. A man with as strong a business acumen as AK would want to co-produce a flaccid Talaash!? Not 3 Idiots, not even Ghajini, but this!?

There’s a method to his madness, everyone close to him insists. Still on the talaash for that!!! ๐Ÿ˜†

BELOW: Nothing can describe angst and the general tone of the movie better than this still.

rani-photo-clicked-during-acting-talaash

In Search of Talaash


It’s amazing how many flicks B-Town churns out each year and how many of them are actually watch-worthy. 2012 started on aย  good note with Kahaani, then there was another sweet kahaani of Barfi and now, finally, the mother of all kahaanis, Talaash, is set for a grand holiday release.

Aamir Khan has NEVER EVER disappointed. Though I’ve followed his career only post Fanaa, he’s what they call the man with the Midas touch. I loooooooved Taare Zameen Par and I think his histrionics in it are second to none. 3 Idiots made me desperately want to join their clique as the 4th. Idiot!ย  ๐Ÿ˜€ And now, my search for a bloody good Bollywood flick ends with Talaash.

The trailers have an air of mystery to them.ย  I have a feeling that Rani and Aamir are married and that something bad, really bad,ย  has happened to their adorable boy. How the mustachioed Aamir avenges his son’s death is whatย  forms the crux of Talaash.

But it may not be all that straightforward, a la Ghajini. For starters, Aamir wouldn’t pick a similar role twice in his career. Secondly, this is an Excel Entertainment release- one that has doled outย  Karthik calling Karthik where, well, the title was all too telling! Rumor has it that Talaash: The Answer Lies Within shares a lot in common with Kahaani, hence the delays in release. If so, I wouldn’t be surprised if Inspector Shekhawat has something brewing in his head and all the answers lie within that internal universe of his, as the tagline of the movie goes!

Jee Le Zara, with Vishal’s grainy voice, is my favorite …..such a haunting track and Rani’s expressions in it are to die for! Her true-to-life portrayal of a middle-class housewife who’s lost every reason to live with the loss of her son is simply A+++++++++.ย Her raccoon eyes that see everything, yet register nothing, the torment engulfing her soul, the painful gulping of emotions threatening to choke her…WOW!

The awkward silence between Aamir and her seems to be accusing them both for the tragedy they’re forced to come to terms with.ย  Only and only Rani could slip under the skin of Mrs. Shekhawat with such effortlessness! I wouldn’t be surprised if her restrained performance eclipses those of Aamir’s and Kareena’s.

My talaash for exciting cinema ends on Nov. 30th. Does yours?

Image Courtesy: www.cinebasti.comImage Courtesy: www.cinebasti.com

What goes up must come down!

So, the entire nation was celebrating Big Bโ€™s 70th. Birthday in a BIGGGGG way. Chhota B(heem) ๐Ÿ™‚ came on air and said something about being very humbled that 70 artists from all over the country joined hands to exhibit a painting each on his illustrious father and I remember thinking, โ€˜Poor you! You wonโ€™t be enjoying this privilege for sure!โ€™ ๐Ÿ™‚

I sometimes wonder whether the invincible Big B finds a lump forming in his throat because his son doesnโ€™t receive the same amount of adulation as he still does. I mean, doesn’t every parent wish for bigger and better things to happen to their child?

My father caught me looking pensive and asked what was bothering me. When I told him that Babyโ€™s success would probably be the biggest gift for AB, he said, โ€œThatโ€™s life! Itโ€™s like a giantwheel. People who are at the top canโ€™t stay put there forever. And those at the bottom canโ€™t always remain there.โ€

So true, na? Thereโ€™s Jeetendra, a yesteryear superstar, who must be lamenting why Tussharโ€™s career hasnโ€™t really taken off. This was the heir who was supposed to eclipse his success, wasnโ€™t he? The progeny of Smita Patil and Raj Babbar turned out to be but a one-film wonder.

At the other end of the spectrum are Babita and Randhir. Absolute duds in their era but whose blue-eyed girls have achieved much more than perhaps any male scion of the Kapoor family has (barring Ranbir, of course!) ๐Ÿ˜‰

Rakesh Roshan might have been a miserable failure at the BO, but life wasnโ€™t so cruel! The Gods gifted him an Adonis lookalike, complete with a full head of gorgeous hair and all, unlike him! ๐Ÿ˜‰ As if that wasnโ€™t enough, his son could act, sing, dance, jump, fly and has been doing this for the last 12 years and counting!

Nothing needs to be said about Kajol whose mother didnโ€™t taste half the success that she has! And then, thereโ€™s Kajolโ€™s husband Ajay Devgn, who shines in every genre, unlike his father, who was forced to shed his ambition of becoming a hero and was restricted to being a mere stunt double.

If success truly skips a generation, ย makes you wonder na what course would Aryan and Suhanaโ€™s lives chart? Would Vivek Oberoiโ€™s kids be the next biggest thing to have happened to Bollywood twenty years hence?

Only time will tell!

Heroin

Either Mr. Bhandarkar’s on drugs or he thinks we are! Why else would he presume we’d be high on Heroin(e) and have the audacity to craft such a dud of a movie???? This man has been serving us the same old stale wine in a new bottle for the last 10 years and we heap National Awards on him??!!!!.

I know Iโ€™m speaking for a lot of people when I say Iโ€™m not feeling tempted to lap up his nasheeli cocktail this time. The canvas always gets bigger and glossier with each film but never better. And whatโ€™s been done in the past is always repeated, but never perfected.

Hereโ€™s a checklist of what to expect from a typical Bhandarkar movie-

  1. ย More psychotic outbursts.
  2. More melodrama.
  3. More OTT performances.
  4. More cheesy dialogues.
  5. More substance abuse.
  6. More skin show, titillation, sex, item numbers and raunchiness.
  7. More stereotyped caricatures.
  8. More manipulation and bitchiness.
  9. More preaching about the flop side of fame and more gyaan spewed on the shallowness of the industry he dissects. (Why then are you so content being a member of this two-faced B-town family, Mr. Bhandarkar? Weโ€™d rather watch you become a sanyaasi post your disillusionment with the soulless film industry!)

AND LASTLY

10. More headaches after youโ€™ve braved watching the painful saga in one go!

The only thing that makes Heroine different from its highly superior predecessor, Fashion, was the inclusion of a steamy lesbian scene. I told ya! Mr. ‘Blunderkar’, oops Bhandarkar, expanded the canvas to appease to the lesbian community too. Right up to Fashion and Dil Toh Bachcha Hai Ji, which I’m quite sure nobody remembers, the spotlight was only on gays. Not fair na in an equal world.

Left with a real bitter taste in my mouth. Nothing Madhur about this one!

P.S. Mr. Bhandarkar, Iโ€™m warning you not to toy with the idea of exposing the world of prostitutes, escorts, playboys etc in your next film.

Please open that ‘bhandargarh’ of ideas and give us something new to chew on. No more halkat kahaanis pleeeeeeeeej!