White Tarts, Black Hearts!

At the risk of getting thrashed by half of who constitute the fairer sex, I truly believe that the fairest of them all are also the scariest of them all! ๐Ÿ˜€

Fair-skinned women seem to abound in my universe. I’ve come across so many in school and college, at work, and hell, even in the family! All of who are not just vain but also major pains!

The dreaded white-washed species has infiltrated my mecca as well where one tagline fits all:

Doodh malai sa gora tan, gobar sandaas jaise kaala mann! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Letโ€™s have a look at the vain pusses of B-town then, shall we?

1. Vying for the top honor is Mangalore’s pride and joy, the one and only…..

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Arsewhoreya Rai ๐Ÿ˜† And you thought I was going to rant about another Mangalorean bhoot(n)i? ๐Ÿ˜‰

Anyway, to break up with the boyfriend who tried to defend your modesty is one thing. To break the news of your break up with him in the papers ๐Ÿ˜ฏ is truly outta Miss World…oops…this world! ๐Ÿ˜†

I actually thought Vivek Oberoi would require an eye transplant. I’m sure they fell off just reading that morning’s newspaper! I don’t think he’d be wanting that catty pair of green eyes that has been pledged though! ๐Ÿ˜›

Bhootni Ke ya toh phir Bhootni Gay! Kya farak padhta hai? ;-)

Bhootni Ke ya toh phir Bhootni Gay! Kya farak padhta hai? ๐Ÿ˜‰

2. Next in line is the F@#* F@#* Girl. The one who made Dutt feel like a mutt! ๐Ÿ˜† She fired his imagination by posing a question as innocent as choli ke peeche kya hai? Sanju Baba must have fired her brains out when he shot back with a question of his own. Goli ke peeche kya hai? ๐Ÿ˜† Or rather, kaun hai? ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Anyway, she waved a resolute TATA before even the courts could slap him with TADA ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Marathi mulgi then wafted off to LA LA LAnd to sing ‘Nene karte, Nene karte pyar tumhi se kar baithe!’ ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

And it's supposed to be okay if you do it?

And it’s supposed to be okay if you do it?

3. Zee Cinema recently aired a classic from the 90s and it was then that I discovered that the effeminate Harish wasnโ€™t the female lead of the film as Iโ€™d thought all along! ๐Ÿ˜€

I imagine most of you remember Lolo’s debut film ‘Prem Qaidi’ where she looked more like the spokesperson of the Al Qaida! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

That ghastly! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Replete with the bushy brows, muchchi mouth et al. ๐Ÿ˜† I remember wondering if they’d deliberately knocked off an ‘N’ from the end of her name which otherwise should have read ‘KarisMAN‘! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Anyway, our fair maiden found Kaalia the Crow slightly more appealing than one of her heroes! ๐Ÿ˜† She resisted Devgn’s advances and he backed off. That was when inane cinema ruled the roost! Then Devgn must have downed one too many a glass of Boost! ๐Ÿ˜† Every film he starred in turned to gold.

Overnight, the kauwa became Mr. Lova Lova ๐Ÿ˜† Lolo, hum itne bhi lolia nahi hain! ๐Ÿ˜†

But by then, thankfully, it was too late! The kaalia, so utterly depressed at being rebuffed, must have gone hunting for someone just as black and lo! He stumbled across…well, no prizes for guessing….. Kajol! ๐Ÿ˜†

And this is how it happened for real!

And this is how it happened for real!

4. If the LOL-worthy sister features on my hit list, how can her obnoxious sister be left out? The Bum of Pataudi ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† has on many occasions tried to undermine her co-stars as if she were the ultimate talent ki pudiya! ๐Ÿ™„ More like a dumb-blonde gudiya! Remember Tashan? ๐Ÿ˜†

The Nordic Goddess once called Bipasha a ‘kaali billi’, dismissed John Abraham as being ‘wooden’, has taken pangas with the Big B, forced an ex-lover to become ‘shahid’ literally! And it certainly hasn’t ended there! No wonder with a mouth and a mind as putrid as hers, her KAREER is KAREENING- downwards! ๐Ÿ˜†

Karma?

Karma?

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aYAWN DUKHDARDji- Only a one-film wonder?

Itna gussa kyun aa raha hai
Tune scenes lift karke film mein milaya
Dugna gussa kyun chaa raha hai
Pehle se humne yeh sab kuch hai dekha

I shit you not! There’s so much Cut-Copy-Paste happening in Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, it’s not even funny! ๐Ÿ˜€

Firstly, thereโ€™s the name โ€˜Nainaโ€™ lifted straight off from KHNH. As if gouging out the โ€˜nainasโ€™ wasn’t enough, Ayan had to go rob even her dark-rimmed spectacles!!! ๐Ÿ™„

Thereโ€™s also that classic DDLJ scene that had us all dying to kick Kajolโ€™s rotund butt :lol:, only to make her run faster and hop aboard that life-changing train to Zurich. Looking at Miss Padukoneโ€™s looooooong strides, my giggly gal pals wondered aloud if our desi train that was budging along grudgingly had to do the catching up! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

If Aashiqui 2 symbolized Good Friday to Aditya Roy Kapoorโ€™s fans, YJHD represents Easter! The beudah has risen back to life and how! Silly banter caused us to erupt into further noisy giggles. We agreed that heโ€™d signed on YJHD purely because his co-star is named RUM BEER!!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

As if to placate all the feathers he might have ruffled, Ayaan resorts to blatant plagiarism from his own accomplished directorial debut, Wake Up Sid! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ sAYAANa, thatโ€™s what the lad is! ๐Ÿ˜‰

I thought these lines from one of his songs fitting for the master plagiarist ๐Ÿ˜€

Aaj abhi maine tera boycott kar diya
Teri saari harqatein main toh note karu
Tujhe thaane mein le jaake main report karu
๐Ÿ˜†

He should have actually considered christening his second labour of love, โ€˜Wake Up Kids!โ€™ His 21-year old kids are surprisingly quite slow on the uptake. For example, Dips, an aspiring doctor, is prejudiced enough to believe that babies can be born to one only after marriage! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ There goes KJoโ€™s dream of fathering a biological child as a single parent!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

The scene expectedly elicited the wrath of a very liberal-minded friend, who was aghast at such regressive dialogues.โ€โ€˜Made for the Youth by the Youthโ€™ MY FOOT!โ€ she grumbled. โ€œMore like, โ€˜Made for the Youth by a Ch*#t!โ€™โ€ she thundered. ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Moving over to the performances. Boasting of a stellar star cast, YJHD cannot be faulted in this particular department.

I’ve already touched upon Aditya Roy Kapoor’s DAARU…Oooops…SAARU act! ๐Ÿ˜€
From alleged Daayan to purported Lesbian, Kalki can rock it all! ๐Ÿ˜›

That there can never be smoke without fire is amply proven by the smoldering chemistry between the leads. These two aren’t done with each other, professionally and personally! All I could think of whenever they came on screen was, ‘Dude, go get a room!’ ๐Ÿ˜‰

Here’s my proof ๐Ÿ˜‰

deepika-padukone-ranbir-kapoor-keen-to-work-together-c976aa6e

But good acting + a mediocre story = a forgettable film. I was sorely disappointed that YJHD turned out to be nothing more than a glossy and glorified version of WUS! Only with a generous tadka of romance, bromance and dance! I expected so so so so so much more from Ayaan. Instead, all I could manage was A(big)YAWN! ๐Ÿ˜†

Here’s a link to the press conference. It’s so much more entertaining!

D.O.A.

I honestly donโ€™t think actresses come with a shelf life. Although some might say sheโ€™s in her TWILIGHT zone :razz:, Meryl Streep can still strip all the KristSIN Stewarts of this world bare-naked with her power-packed performances. ๐Ÿ˜†

Closer home, after a lifetime of hamming, I thought Sri delivered her careerโ€™s finest in English Vinglish. Returning to the silver screen with a BANG is the puffy-eyed Juhi and the botoxed Mads with their GulabGANG. I seem to be getting good at my rhyming skills! ๐Ÿ˜€

Also, who can forget Kajol? She looked like the male lead in Bekhudi with the bushy unibrow and all ๐Ÿ˜† while the effeminate Kamal Sadanah looked like the kamsin kali or for want of a more apt title kamsin kamal ๐Ÿ˜† While the unibrow still remains ๐Ÿ™„ she’s metamorphosed into one of the yummiest mummies I’ve ever seen! And no, I don’t think Olay Total Effects has anything to do with the transformation!

I believe actresses develop a better understanding of their craft with age and truly save the best for last.

Here’s one woman who is Dead Or Alive, no one can tell. She beat a hasty retreat from B-town and didn’t give her ardent fans a chance to bid her a proper farewell. I’m talking about one of the most gorgeous Miss Indias to have forayed into Bollywood- Meenakshi Sheshadri. Of course, lots of other Miss Indias have used the pageant as a springboard to set foot on B-town’s glittering soil but they were sorely lacking in one department or the other. Let’s have a look:

1. Zeenat Aman- Kya dekhte ho? Surat tumhari. SURE! ๐Ÿ™„ Kya chaahte ho? Chaahat tumhaari. YA RITE! ๐Ÿ˜† 100 x 100 for looks. 100 รท 100 for talent ๐Ÿ˜†

2. Juhi Chawla- She took her surname too seriously and must have stuffed her face with chaawal ๐Ÿ˜† Check out her bloated face and manly features exaggerated by pathetic make-up in Sultanat. Second-to-none in the acting department especially in the comedy genre.

3. Aishwarya Rai- Could easily pass off as Zeenat Aman’s progeny. Good thing she has the Bachchan tag. Something to remember her by ๐Ÿ˜‰

4. Lara Dutta- Pity we could never say “Lara kya maara!” with the career choices she made. Her husband makes up for it though! ๐Ÿ˜€

5. Priyanka Chopra- Curtly Ambrose’s lil sis jo kumbh ke mele mein bichhad gayi thi ๐Ÿ˜† Decent acting chops though!

I could go on and on but you get the drift, right? So, if Mads was the Madhubala of the 80s and the 90s, Meenakshi was the Nargis of that time. I label her so because she had what it took to make it big in the industry. An angelic look with killer talent and that makes for a lethal combination. Plus, I have this moral yardstick that I judge all actresses by and only a handful have entered the coveted ‘NOT CHAALU’ club. Meenakshi is what they call the ‘saantus’ types who went on her sanyaas at the mere hint of a proposal from director Rajkumar Santoshi. Clearly she knew it was ‘Ghaatak’ to hitch up with the morons of the industry and if she didn’t flee, she’d end up becoming ‘Ghaayal’ ๐Ÿ˜†

Damini is easily her finest till date but if SRI can pull of an English Vinglish three decades after Sadma, (shesha)DRI has it in her too to compete with her Damini. I’m really getting good at this rhyming shit! ๐Ÿ˜›

Brushing the cobwebs off my filmi dimaag has been great fun and I shall be back with a second installment of D.O.A. (Dead or Alive)

Below: THE undisputed ethereal beauty

Meenakshi-Sheshadri--pics