Shitbutt Romeo!

So, Shortcut mein bata deti hoon ๐Ÿ˜€

Thereโ€™s sex-starved A-geisha Patel :lol:, whoโ€™s still waiting for someone to pop her cherry! ๐Ÿ˜€ I thought Mr. Anal Kapoor would RACE 2 do the honors but evidently he hasn’t bitten the bait! ๐Ÿ˜†

Wearing an I-need-a-fuck-desperately-expression like a placard around her neck, the bored housewife signs up for golfing lessons hoping to zzzz off more with her instructor than she can tee ๐Ÿ˜† They roll below a leafy tree to indulge in their badtameezee ๐Ÿ˜›

Enter TIGER WOODS! Arre nahi re, not the asli wala…Heโ€™s done with putting balls in the wrong holes! ๐Ÿ˜† This tiger in the woods is a voyeuristic, camera-toting carnivore, who happily clicks away when the geisha and the guru ho jaate hai shuru ๐Ÿ˜‰

MORAL OF THE STORY: Jungle Mein Mangal karoge toh Nanga ke saath Kangaa (L) bhi ho jaaoge!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

NNM systematically squeezes paisa outta his ING VAISHYA ATM ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† to fund his hedonistic lifestyle. Vasai Nalasopara ka maamuli chokra suddenly starts thinking Masai Mara!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Kenya mein use milti hai ek Kanya, Sherry. Expectedly with a brain not larger than a cherry! ๐Ÿ˜€ When heโ€™s not lying to her, heโ€™s lying on her! ๐Ÿ˜›

The build-up to the climax forces you to conjure some rather disconcerting images… whoโ€™s doing whom? Whoโ€™s suing whom?

Speaking of Sue, sabko Susu bade zor se aa rahi thi! But director Susu…oops.. ๐Ÿ˜† Lekin clearly Susi Ganesan apne interminable, insufferable SHOTs ko CUT bolna bhool gaya.

When the end finally came, hum sab Kenya ki Masai-Mara-wali hopping dance karte hue baahar nikle taaki baahar Pee na nikle!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Alas! Relief was still nowhere in sight with all 10 toilet stalls occupied endlessly. Clearly no one was in the mood for shortcuts that day! ๐Ÿ˜‰

BELOW: The Susu Stopping Dance.

2013-06-25 19_27_20-Google Image Result for http___st1.bollywoodlife

When I raced outta da theater at 3G speed!

Who came up with the name 3G? And more importantly, why? Just to rhyme with Fiji, where the film has been shot? ๐Ÿ™„ That is plain sad!

Or is it a more convenient nickname for the protagonist who responds to three different names.
1. Neilji or rather NeilG
2. Nitinji / NitinG
3. Mukeshji/ MukeshG

๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Directors Sheershak Anand and Shantanu Ray Chhibber seem to be obsessed with the number 3 and Fiji. Table No. 21- their last directorial outing also adds up to 3!!! And that’s where most of us saw the exotic isle for the first time in our lives. I guess these two were in cost-cutting mode and shot both movies back-to-back…same locale, same premise…and the same idiot- ME- sat through both duds! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Is there a third horror waiting to be unleashed on us, given their penchant for the numeral? ๐Ÿ˜‰

When the promos of 3G first hit the air, I was convinced it was the poor desi cousin of ‘One Missed Call’. Both flicks belong to the same genre, the mobile phone is crucial in both cases…you get the connection, right? 3G notwithstanding ๐Ÿ˜‰ That, thankfully, is not the case.

3G is like no other horror film youโ€™ve seen, in Bollywood or elsewhere. And I donโ€™t mean that in a good way! Even the Ramsay comedies fare much better in comparison to this insipid bhootfest.

A testosterone-ridden hero who canโ€™t keep his hands off his girl jumps into the ocean with her (and every conceivable place there is on the island) to satisfy his lust. Then the daft punk realizes his mobile has slid to the depths of the azure Fijian waters and happily trots off to buy a second-hand phone!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

Who, in this day and age, buys a second-hand 3G โ€“enabled phone???!!!???? Fiji mein chutti manaate manaate sirf chutta paisa bach gaya tha that you had to settle for a used phone? ๐Ÿ˜†
And come to think of it, he should have bought a 3rd-hand mobile phone? That would ring in the number 3 reference brilliantly ๐Ÿ˜›


Anyway, a vicious bhoot resides in the cellular world who is desperate to communicate her โ€˜dukhdasโ€™ with the outside world and she’d like to avenge her death by bumping innocent couples off. So, she hurls a football at NNM when he seems more engrossed in a football match on his phone and is in no mood to lend her an ear ๐Ÿ˜† Or she pops up when everyoneโ€™s eyes are about to pop out by the brazen lovemaking scenes between the leads.

There was A LOT of making out in the film, again in 3 different styles! ๐Ÿ˜€
1. Leisurely and romantic.
2. Frenzied and animal-like and
3. Satanic and repulsive.

๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

The intimacy is what irks our bhootni. So, considering how many romps there are through the film, you know she’s one mighty pissed-off aatma ๐Ÿ˜›
A little background on her: She used to be a porn-star, not half as hot as apni Sunny Leone, ๐Ÿ˜‰ who had kept her profession hidden from her puritan and very paagal scientist BF, who was on a mission of using 3G technology to communicate with the netherworld ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

One day, Iโ€™m assuming, he must have used the internet to surf some adult sites, like the typical double-standard-walla man. Not so puritan after all, eh? ๐Ÿ˜‰ The shock of seeing his own girl in high SPIRITS, making merry with everyone but him, made him go balllistic and the rest is His(piri)tory ๐Ÿ˜†

Sonal Chauhan made the men in the theater ogle and their jaws drop so low, I couldnโ€™t tell who freaked me out more ๐Ÿ˜€ Just when the well-meaning me was trying to tweet a heads-up, the real 3G connection on my phone sputtered and died. I recognized it as an omen begging me to walk out on the absurd reelwaala 3G, race outside at 3G Usha Speed ๐Ÿ˜† and save as many unsuspecting souls (pun intended) from this mindless torture.


Davids and Goliath

Who would have thought Bejoy Nambiar’s unassuming David would turn out to be the biblical ‘David’, knocking the wind out of some heavyweight Goliaths like Race 2 and Inkaar? For me, it’s easily the best of 2013 so far! Bouquets coming from a kanjoos like me, you had better believe it! ๐Ÿ˜†

An ex-AD to Mani Ratnam, Nambiar’s second piece of work too will go down in the annals of B-Town’s history. David is tautly directed, brilliantly edited, superbly enacted, never failing to keep you at the very edge of your seat – I even slipped to the floor a couple of times ๐Ÿ˜† That compelling a watch!

Only and only Nambiar’s triptych could brush the cobwebs off a few Algebra lessons long forgotten: A=B and B=C. Ergo, A=C! My husband thought the climax seemed a bit too contrived, but damn him! ๐Ÿ˜† He didn’t like Shaitaan either! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

Way back in 2007, two multiple-story horrors (Honeymoon Travels and Salaam-E-Ishq)were unleashed on us back to back. Ever since, I’ve steered clear of the ‘ek pe dus stories free‘ kinda cinema ๐Ÿ˜› and believe in the power of one single story well told. I’m so glad I let go of my unwavering policy for David ๐Ÿ™‚

I suspect Nambiar relished his Sunday school lessons. So crucial is the parable of ‘The Prodigal Son’ to the plot/s, it really will help clear all the mystery shrouding the film. I won’t say more and complicate things further….Go give David a (sling)shot ๐Ÿ˜†