TRIPE OF INDIA

So, for those of you who are on Pluto and havenโ€™t caught a whiff of the Deepika Padukone Vs ToI Tiff, hereโ€™s what transpired between the warring factions on Twitter Sunday last.

Indiaโ€™s leading house of journalism, having nothing more newsworthy to publish, decided to spice up their website with stock footage of Dips in a blouse with a dipping neckline. Creative huh? ๐Ÿ™„ And the headline they came up with simply is the proverbial cherry on the icing!โ€˜OMG! Deepika Padukoneโ€™s Cleavage Show!!!โ€™ WOW! SIMPLY WOW! (Saif Ali Style ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

Miss Fanny, who Iโ€™ve always thought is diplomacy personified, has kicked ToI smack on its fanny and how!

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To which the ToI came back with the mother of all retorts!

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๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

Iโ€™ve been following the ensuing brouhaha where the entire film fraternity and rival news publications are lauding Dips for taking on such an established and powerful news syndicate by its horns. And then there are some, like the ditzy Pooja Bedi, who are milking this issue dry with the hopes of receiving a fat raise. Such loyalty towards the employer I tell you! Padhke aankh mein aasu aa gaye! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Personally, I fully understand why the TOI has to resort to such drastic measures to ensure they stay visible. Even though they source the most premium quality of paper to print their “news” on, the final product is still way inferior to the tissue roll hanging in my toilet! ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜† Didnโ€™t Ranbir Kapoor say something to the same effect once? Atta Boy! ๐Ÿ˜›

I never thought that day would arrive but it has. Todayโ€™s Bombay Times is noticeably voluminous than the main newspaper (Considering the trashy Mirror as an appendage) There are sexperts like Mahinder Watsa, who in my opinion, is the greatest Indian inventor (of sexual fiction) of all time! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† This detailed and rather disgusting query had me ditching my morninโ€™ cuppa for good. Read it at your own risk! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Mahinder Watsa

Years ago, the collegian in me witnessed Mid Day to be a best seller in the Gentsโ€™ Compartment. No, no, I wasnโ€™t the fly on the wall there! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜€ Itโ€™s just that the vendor would enter with an armload of Mid-Days that would sell like hotcakes and then enter the ladiesโ€™ compartment with the insipid Afternoon D&C, whose crosswords reaffirmed โ€˜Haan main paanchvi paas se bahut zyaada tez hoon!โ€™ ๐Ÿ˜† If Mid-Day symbolized the raunchy mate, from now on, ToI will be synonymous with voyeuristic porn.

Oops pics might titillate and be enjoyed by a few but for the larger majority, they are a major put-off. If you own such a large database of pictures that debase, by all means come out with a PlayTOI for the horny few. ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜† But then you shouldn’t portray yourself to be a crusader of women’s rights. What’s the grand idea in talking about mahila shakti on Pages 1 and 2 and then giving us a glimpse of Aliaโ€™s chaddi, when her skirt accidentally rode up during a promotional event, on Page 3. That makes you the worst kind of hypocrite there ever is! ๐Ÿ™„

When you take a stand, I think it is representative of your entire conglomerate. So was Arnab’s condemning and crucifying Nirbhayaโ€™s heinous rapists just a farce? Or was she spared from such humiliating objectification just because she didn’t have a wow cleavage a la Miss Padukone?

Getting back to dips,The ToI might have showed us her cleavage but the girl showed us she’s got balls! As Alia puts it so succinctly,

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Iโ€™m euphoric you’ve finally got what was coming to you, you Tribe of Idiots (ToI)! ๐Ÿ˜† And hereโ€™s a little treat from the far-superior Hindu to buoy that euphoria a little more. Enjoy!

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There’s KOMthing about Mary!

When Holiday released, the only clue that tipped me off about SonHATHI being a boxer were her bright neon XXXL BOXERS! ๐Ÿ˜† So badly has the daughter of KHAMOSH sullied a boxing great’s image, Laila Ali must have definitely fallen BEHOSH ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

MC Mary Kom certainly won’t go into a KOMA ๐Ÿ˜† when she watches her biopic.

The story of Mary Kom- The Film tries hard to trace the life-story of Mary Kom- The Legend. Of her impoverished upbringing in an obscure Manipuri household, of her frugal education, of her fractured relationship with a conservative father, of the simmering anger within her, of her belligerent foray into a sport as intense and brutal as boxing, of her rise to fame and the subsequent bleakness of anonymity brought on by marriage and motherhood, and finally of her determination to redeem herself as one of Asia’s formidable pugilists.

Phew! Quite a commendable journey that! But Mr. SLB (Sanjay Leela Bhansali) insists on behaving like a SOB! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜† He liberally peppers fact with fiction. We want an unadulterated BIOPIC Mr. Bhansali. We never desired to BUY-YOUR-FIC(tion) ๐Ÿ˜‰

The young Mary Kom, testosterone-ridden to the point of beating the shit outta every boy in Manipur, has been shown to join the sport only to give direction to the anger consuming her. Man(i)pur ki Man-eater, eh? ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜†
In reality, Kom took up boxing after being heavily inspired by another boxing luminary, Dingko Singh.

Which makes me wonder if SLB has shown Kom sharing such an uneasy equation with her father, just for the sake of melodrama. The real Papa Kom might have forbidden his daughter from taking up the sport as it would mar her pretty face and make her SCARY Kom instead ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† which in turn would derail her chances of finding marriage alliances. But I’m not so sure if he was completely in the dark and learnt of his daughter’s advent into the sport only through the tabloids! I mean who does that, besides Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, breaking the news of her breakup to Vivek Oberoi in the TOI? ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜†

Before painting Papa Kom as a monster, SLB should have paused to reflect that woh ugaata hai Chaawal, ukhaadta nahi hai like the villainous Paresh Rawal! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

And I can bet my bottom dollar that Papa didn’t scream ATTACK! sitting in his living room for Mary to hear thousands of miles away that propelled her to deliver that winning blow! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Sheesh! Aaj kal tadka gravies mein hi nahi, biographies mein bhi daalne lage hai! ๐Ÿ˜†

As if this wasn’t enough, there are plenty of product endorsements we must silently endure. Was Mankind’s Prega News Home Pregnancy Test available at the beginning of mankind ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† considering Kom had her bonny boys close to a decade ago? ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜€ We are enlightened to the fact that Havmor ice-cream was her craving and are given a quick lesson in patriotism when the camera pans in on Tata Salt in her pantry. Aakhir Kom ne desh ka namak jo khaaya hai! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

Piggy Chops packs in quite a punch. After subtracting 1 point for her fake Manipuri accent (which sounded more like my Gurkha’s Nepalese btw ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† – Aai Shalaam Shaaib, tumrah bocha aaj khelne ko aaya nahi neeche) ๐Ÿ˜† performance-wise, she stands neck-to-neck with her unbeatable Jhilmil. From now on, she’s officially Piggy BOX! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Pee Cee’s spirited act is the only redeeming feature of this feature film. Sadly, that’s just what it is. An act. However superb! Wish they’d scratched beyond the surface of Mary Kom’s brawn. Woh toh already Wiki pe text form mein available hai FOR FREE! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Now here are some pics that speak volumes about the real Mary Kom. Enjoy!

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Kalam Ko No Mera Salaam

A decade ago, B-Town churned out its first full-blown (and shamelessly-copied) sexual harassment drama, Aitraaz. I had just landed a plum job (well, at least it seemed like that, then, to a fresher like me) in a leading ad agency and I vividly remember how my ‘seniors’ gave the bigg boss some golis about going out for market research and whisked gullible moi to the black marketeers instead, making me pay through my nose and every other orifice there is for 6 first-day-first-show balcony ticketsย  ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

And one of my dearest bhidus, Bhaskar (who preferred being called Bastard because it sounded cooler!!!), even yanked out a pair of blue shades, excited at the prospect of watching a blue film ๐Ÿ˜† or something close to it ๐Ÿ™„

Cut to ten years later. There was a reunion of sorts last Saturday and we all decided to catch…you guessed it!!! Inkaar…a movie on the ad fraternity, a world my bumchums STILL belong to…some of them occupying the same positions too!!! Talk about being unamBITCHYious ๐Ÿ˜›

While I was plain disgusted with the way B-Town’s Abdul Kalam, Mr. Sudhir Mishra, ๐Ÿ˜† was loosening his grip on a taut and gripping first half post intermission, my companions were babbling excitedly, thrilled to see glimpses of themselves in Chitrangada and Arjun ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Maybe it’s time to make new friends ๐Ÿ˜›

With the film going all over the place and the climax being the proverbial anti-climax, I really didn’t care if Arjun was a B or Chitrangada, a bigger B. I just wanted to B from the theatre….bhaag ๐Ÿ˜†

Of late, I’ve noticed quite a few capable and accomplished directors succumb to this silly syndrome of building a great plot, even greater excitement and just when we begin to laud them mentally, they make a daud for dear life ๐Ÿ˜† knowing we’ll bash them black and blue and every other color there is for swinging that dud of an ending in our unsuspecting faces! You can be sure Reema Kagti won’t be making another movie for a long time and pretty soon we’ll be on a talaash for her ๐Ÿ˜€

As far as performances went, I could essay the part of Maya with greater finesse…provided I looked like her! Chitrangada’s unparalleled beauty reminded me of something a heartbroken Ross whines to Rachel when Charlie the Kaali ๐Ÿ˜† breaks up with him. “There was one! She’s it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge!” The last time an actress made me feel like going under the knife was Kat Kaif in Namastey London.

Anyway, Arjun looks better than he can act and the buzz is they are considering his performance for the National Award ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Right through the movie, I kept wondering if he and Miss Singh were to have kids, how gorgeous they’d be! That says a lot about pitching in a riveting performance, right?ย  ๐Ÿ™„

Maybe if Kalam gives his movie’s patrons a dabba of malam, I might be a little more forgiving…

This Diwali, let’s play GOLIS!

I have half a mind to shoot PC in the head. Or better still, CHOP that little PIGGY to pieces! ๐Ÿ˜€ Cuz this Diwali, I certainly can’t afford to play Holi…I can onlyย barely manage to stutter, โ€œHoly Shit!!!โ€

Being a huge fan of hers, hubby got me a Lumia 800 to illuminate my Diwali. So blinded were we by the sheer beauty of this baby (the phone, not PC), we didnโ€™t really bother to delve on why Nokiaโ€™s slid to where it has today.

In two words, HUGE MISTAKE!

Known for its robust hardware, I thought my Nokia was invincible. Theyโ€™ve come up with a weird design of concealing the charger/ USB slot under a really flimsy trap door, that can break at the slightest provocation. Horror of horrors, thatโ€™s exactly what happened to my sultry pink phone! Just when I berated her for losing her virginity (symbolism provided by my husband ๐Ÿ™‚ ), she hit back with a vengeance. The charger wouldnโ€™t fire her up again!

Relieved that I was still protected by the one-year warranty offered on the phone, I confidently strutted into the Nokia Care Centre and demanded that I be offered a new charger in exchange for the defective one and that the โ€˜booby trap doorโ€™ be replaced with a new one.

I wondered why the โ€˜CAREโ€™ executive had that silly grin erupting at the corners of her mouth. Here are the unused Diwali bombs that she chose to drop on me:

  1. Please photocopy the original bill of purchase 3 times!” When asked if we could use the idle machine humming a leisurely tune in a forgotten corner of her office and that we would be glad to pay for the copies, she mumbled something about there being a paper shortage in the office! Anyway, tried to shrug off her callous attitude and did the needful a good three blocks away. Returned grumpy and sweaty, and then, the next bomb was hurled.
  2. โ€œKindly provide me with the charger,โ€ she said politely to mollify me. I obliged, and then,…no, I kid you not…she said โ€œPlease come back in two weeks to collect the replacement.โ€ I was like, โ€œWhat????!!!โ€ โ€œAre you like out of your mind? Does my phone remain โ€˜unilluminatedโ€™ (if there is such a word) for two weeks just because someone has to ride on a bullock cart to deliver the new accessory to you?โ€ ๐Ÿ˜›ย I just got a shrug.
  3. And then the killer bomb was unleashed. Taking a deep breath to stop myself from thundering further, I asked her to replace the annoying trap door on my phone. Was it my imagination or did I detect a greedy glint in her eyes? โ€œSure,โ€ she exulted. โ€œI have it in black though, which will stand out very well against your pinkie!!!! And Rs. 1200 please.โ€ I opened my mouth to protest but not a sound came out. Taking advantage of my momentary speechlessness, she launched into the most absurd of explanations. โ€œMadam, you have performed physical damage on your phone.โ€ Andย a loud cackle followedย from my husband who suddenly remembered the โ€˜virginityโ€™ saga. ๐Ÿ™‚ She continued as if there was no interruption , “And I would say, donโ€™t touch your pinkie now. If we pull her door, she will be unprotected as the warranty stands void due to further physical damage.โ€ (What, was my pinkie going to be raped or something???!!!

I left the โ€˜SCAREโ€™ Centre but not before flashing her my pinkie, ๐Ÿ˜€ย and my mind screaming โ€œAlways NO to a NOKIA!โ€

P.S. What were the designers thinking? That there’d be a million dollar heist if the door wasn’t fitted to the phone??!!