Saif: The Male Kaif!

Lately, I find Saif relentlessly pulling off a Kaif! She plays dumb on celluloid and he in tabloids!!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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Sangat ka asar ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

What was that Sunny-Deolesque bhaari barkam dhai-kilo ka ‘baat’ ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ he recently threw in our faces? Eugenics, right?๐Ÿ˜จ๐Ÿ˜ท

That very term seems to have failed him terribly early on in life. ย Why else did he not walk the hallowed halls of Oxford University unlike the rest of his illustrious clan? Why else did he not hit a sixer like his acclaimed father? Although he certainly resembled one [read chhaka] ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ for the better part of his youth!!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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Bottomline: Eugenics should never ever be elaborated on by an erstwhile eunuch!!!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚Woah..the alliterations in that one!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

His reasoning on why nepotism rocks is beyond bizarre. He says people should invest in pedigree because they are the likeliest to succeed in any given field. Brace yourselves guys! I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Jacckky ‘SHOWOFF’ (Bhagnani), Vivek O-BORE-BOI and Jaa [S]Imran Jaa (Khan) yet!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Eugenics also permit Abhishek to burn producers’ moolah and gaajars too ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ at the stake! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Investing in Eugenics has proved profitable at times but those have been far and few. Imagine if no one had tapped into Hrithik Roshan’s potential!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฑ That lad would still be twiddling his thumbs at home. All 3 of them!!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

I can just feel it in my bones that Sara Ali Khan is gonna shame ‘Eugenics’ and the ‘Promoter’ of that word real soon! What a karmic treat it’d be if she was to debut opposite Varun Dhawan in a disaster-of-a-film helmed by the Snooty Flag Bearer of Nepotism himself! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Kangana would certainly be like this ๐Ÿ‘‡

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Karma Deductions

July 15, 2017 is a date sure to go down in the annals of cinematic history.

Very rarely do you see pedigree shame itself. Three successful men, with roots in the industry deeper than those of that ancient banyan tree in your courtyard, made bumbling fools of themselves by proudly defending nepotism of all things in the world! ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ทThat too on national TV!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ Life truly imitated art, for indeed, we saw 3 Idiots for real on that day!!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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Nepotism and its cousin, the infamous Casting Couch,.. remind me so much of Lord Voldemort! ๐Ÿ‘ฝ They who must never be named!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

On and off, several small-time starlets have summoned a mustard-seed-of-courage to speak up against these twin evils sullying the industry since its inception. We never did hear from them again. Their careers were finished before they could even begin!

And then came a woman with balls bigger than those of all the men collectively in Bollywood. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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The Queen Bee..tch .. ย is what these sissies call her behind her back! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

She hit a towering sixer when she asked the Sixer of Bollyland [Hrithik, who else ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚] to not hide behind his father but to deal with her directly in the open as he used to clandestinely deal with her behind closed doors in the past! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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She then locked horns with the frivolous KJo who we have been JLoing like his Hollywood counterpart. The cherry on the icing is that she did it on his own chat show!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

She called him out for ridiculing her accent when she was a struggler much to her co-guest, Saif Ali Khan’s discomfort. As if that wasn’t enough to set their mouths wide open, she left them with their jaws burrowed deep in their chest when she accused Johar (and rightly so) of being a “Snooty Flag Bearer of Nepotism” and a “Movie Mafia” of sorts. Her candor was so refreshing especially since half of the season could best be described as a diplomatic saga.

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Kangana’s a smart woman because she chose to wait for the right time to fight these bullies. When she’s at the top of her game without fear of being silenced like the not-so-fortunate newbies. When she’s so secure in her space that she refuses to worship the ground the movers and shakers of the film fraternity walk on. When nobody can topple her off the pinnacle because even if you consider all of them together, collectively they don’t possess even an iota of her talent!

I never was a huge fan of Kangana in her early days of acting. She cloned herself in every other release so much so that I couldn’t tell a Gangster apart from Woh Lamhe or even a Fashion.

And then came Once Upon A Time… and I was hooked onto the fabulous success story she single-handedly penned in this male-dominated world she was born to rule over.

I used to admire her bravado for lashing out against the cowards who doused her sister with acid but it was only earlier this year that I fell in love with her simplicity when she appeared on the Kapil Sharma Show with Shahid and laughed her guts out at Gutthi’s adorable antics.๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ She laughed without restrain…without any fear of her mascara smudging or her foundation caking. She laughed like a child…not like how a woman is conditioned by society to laugh.

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And now I respect her because she spat out her grudges to the person who’d wronged her to his face and didn’t indulge in malicious gossip behind his back. She wasn’t overly sweet to him neither was she vindictive but she’d cleared the air between them and had KJo been mature about the whole thing, Dharma was sure to spring a blockbuster in the near future with the Queen, no less, at the helm.

But the man-baby had to cry on every shoulder he found. In London, whilst speaking to Anupama Chopra, the presumptuous old fart embarrassed himself by revealing that he was surprised Kangana even knew the meaning of Flag Bearer of Nepotism!!! ๐Ÿ˜Ž

Kangana herself had mentioned it to him that Anupama’s husband is her biggest well-wisher in the industry. Either KJo intended for the spite to reach Kangs’ ears loud and clear or he’s as dumb as the films he conceives to want to bare his bleeding heart to someone who clearly belongs in Camp Kangana!

Be as it may, he dug his own grave at the IIFA by dissing her when she wasn’t even around to defend herself. How cowardly! I’ve never doubted him being a sissy but the machismo Saif and Varun exude on screen has to be a sham! ๐Ÿ˜œKangana has had no issue with both hitherto so their ass-kissing stunt, just to score a few brownie points from Johar, speaks volumes about their gentlemanly facade. Good thing that they aren’t gonna forget the dreadful taste of their feet in their mouth anytime soon!๐Ÿ˜Ž

Not sure about the fate of Dharma Productions, but Karma deductions for distasteful behaviour happened in full swing on that day!!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

 

Goin’ Gaga O’er Go Goa Gone

Quite a mouthful that, ain’t it? ๐Ÿ˜›

So! GGG (not to be confused with the ludicrous 3G :roll:)is quite an enjoyable zom-com, one of the first desi produces of its kinds.

I suspect a great amount of thought went into christening the characters rather than fleshing out their roles. So we have two Monday-hating PLAYBOYS named Luv, Hardik ๐Ÿ˜ฏ while the third crony responds to BUNNY! Go figure that out!!! ๐Ÿ˜›

The first two suck at most things- their jobs, their wooing skills for potential blowjobs … ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Erm, got a little carried away there, didnโ€™t I? ๐Ÿ˜‰

Anyway, Bunny scores an all-expenses paid trip in the land of feni and our hedonists donโ€™t need to be asked twice.

Enter the desi Luna Lovegood- who does Luv real good!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

She invites the trio to a very exclusive beach rave on an island, off the Goan coast. Organized by the Russian Mafioso, our boys are feeling quite proud that they’ve finally made it large ๐Ÿ˜› and are on a high with all the free booze flowing. But the asli nasha doesnโ€™t really kick in! Whatโ€™s not free is that tiny red pill, one thatโ€™s revered as the baap of all stoning agents. Naturally, the kadkas canโ€™t afford it and get back to greedily laying their hands on the remaining sharaab, shabaabs and kabaabs! Laajawabs! ๐Ÿ˜€

In retrospect, that perhaps was the best thing to have happened cuz all the pillwales transformed overnight into CHILL-waales! Soulless cannibalistic corpses on the prowl, flipping o’er fresh maas after tripping on all the ghass ๐Ÿ˜†

Enter Boris ‘Bekaar’ ๐Ÿ˜€ A self-commissioned zombie-slayer who likes to keel dead peepul. The gun-toting Indo-Russian does a fine job of keeping the audience in splits and the zombies’ brains split (wide open). That the living dead limp more painfully than Tehmur himself and it doesnโ€™t take a Russianโ€™s expertise to annihilate them is a realization that makes the protagonists go from zeroes to heroes in the climax.

GGG is one of those few films that can boast of an above average rating in every department. The concept’s refreshingly unique in the Bollywood context, the acting’s top notch, the humor crackling, the make-up and styling sensational, the gore truly gruesome…there’s not much to hate!

If you’re dreading going to sweltering Goa at this time of the year, go catch the uber-cool Go Goa Gone instead!

BELOW: Biting Humour, that’s the genre! ๐Ÿ˜‰

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Race 2 the Exit!

Poor Shakespeare got it all wrong when he trivialized the importance of a name.ย  After watching Race 2, I’m convinced a lot rides on it and if only Abbas-Mustan had to add two extra words, ‘THE EXIT’, to the title of their film, the world would have been a much sweeter place!

So, here’s another scathing review, something I seem to be getting good at with each passing Friday ๐Ÿ˜‰

  1. Ab Bas!: This whitewashed director-duo ๐Ÿ˜† who have a penchant for the greys clearly lost the plot after the last sensible movie they made 21 years ago! Abbas grabbed virtually every mm of space available in my bible (the BT) making pompous claims of Race 2 being THE film to rock 2013. Apophis couldn’t do it, Race 2 kya khaak karega? ๐Ÿ˜†
  2. Lace 2: Skin and Sex are the new substitutes for Substance in Bollywood. Plenty of cleavage and derriere, in ZOOM MODE, to keep things RACEy ๐Ÿ˜›
  3. Cherry on the Icing: That Ameesha, an Economics gold medalist ๐Ÿ˜ฏ has a cherry-seed-sized brain is something that I always suspected. But after reading her interview that it was tough to essay the part of the ditzy assistant, Cherry, begging for the clever robber Robert ๐Ÿ˜† to rob her of her virginity and pop her cherry ๐Ÿ˜† I think I’ll die laughing before I can complete this sentence…..hahahahhahahahahahhaha…Classic piece of casting! Couch and all! ๐Ÿ˜‰
  4. Laath nahi lagi?: Ummm…anyway…(regaining composure)…Moving over to the other Lolita- tacky Jackie ๐Ÿ˜› “Lat Lag Gayi” was to be her “Kiss Me, Touch Me”. Achcha hua laath nahi lagi for proving to us that you have two left feet ๐Ÿ™„
  5. Shake Your Bon Bon, Jon: After prancing about on Miami’s sun-kissed beach in a pair of barely-there yellow chaddies, how could a sedate cagefight be orgasmic? Jonny boy, what were you thinking when you said this is your ‘item number’ for your female fans?!?
  6. Moving over to another John. John McClane: I loooooooove John McClane! Like wine, he gets better with age ๐Ÿ˜‰ There was this one scene of him killing a copter with a maamuli-sa sedan in DH4. Back then, I thought it was one of the most contrived pieces of shit I’ve ever seen. Boy, was I wrong! The car in Race 2 kills a burning airplane and even sprouts a few parachutes out its sides to scare us with the prospect of another lame sequel ๐Ÿ˜ฎ
  7. East or West, India is the best?: If you’ve never visited Turkey, don’t bother! You can see it in its full glory for less than 500 bucks in Race 2 ๐Ÿ˜€ What’s ironic is that while our B-town directors are busy scouring every nook and corner on this planet to showcase a new destination in their next, Hollywood filmmakers are looking Eastwards for inspiration. Danny Boyle struck gold in the filthy bylanes of Dharavi. Apna Dharavi! Par ghar ki murghi daal baraabar, nahi?

Anil Kapoor (not sex-starved anymore, thank goodness! Hollywood needs to be credited in this regard :twisted:) said in a recent interview that Race 2 was pure, unadulterated fun. Sure! At our expense! No wonder they’re on such a high!

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Steer clear of this one if you don’t want to be left feeling gobsmacked on such a joyous weekend.