Of Chiknas and Chamelis

Usually, any moment is a good photo-op moment what with ย our stars always perfectly groomed. Unlike the days of yore, when fashion disasters were as likely as getting pigeon poop on your head, the current breed of stars seem to be a wisened lot.

So,while they twinkle brightly even in the dead of night donning glamorous labels and flaunting perfect coiffures, there’s only but once when they shone blazingly, looking like a million bucks. Here’s when:

  1. Ranbir in Badtameez Dil

It took him 6 looooooong years to metamorphose from the sissyish clone of his mother that he used to be to THIS! I can’t put my finger on what makes him look so bloody badtameez here! ๐Ÿ˜˜ Is it his ruffled,shorter crop or the badass ring in his ear or his crisply tailored suit….I could go on and on…sigh!

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2. Can’t really leave his exes behind now, can I? ๐Ÿ˜ Deepika in Lungi Dance.

Dippy always makes our tribe feel like we ought to crawl under a rock. But looking the way she did here, we almost smashed that rock on our heads!

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3. Katrina in Everything! ๐Ÿ˜‚ But she looks especially ghazab in Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahaani.

Kat looks PHAT in EVERYTHING ๐Ÿ˜‚…never mind the botox jabs and all! Pre-2010, there used to some meat on her bones and her face boasted of an angelic quality that the hypodermic pricklies took away. Have a look at her ethereal beauty.

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4. Hrithik in Tu Meri

The Adonis of Hindi Cinema can’t be faulted for his look in his entire repertoire of films, but it took a Bang Bang! for him to get his look Bang-On in my sight! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜˜

A huuuuuge fan of Simon Baker, I’ve likened Hrithik’s avatarย to the Mentalist himself ….if that ain’t a compliment, I don’t know what is! ๐Ÿ˜Œ

 

5. Preity Zinta in Dil Se…

Chubby cheeks, dimpled chin,

Rosy lips, Teeth Within,

Wavy hair, very fair

Eyes are true, lovely two

Preity Zinta is that you?

YES YES YES!!! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

Bollywood’s original dimpled-beauty has looked her best only at 2 times ..the first when she was a novice and the next when she was at the top of her game in Kal Ho Naa Ho and Salaam Namaste! Agree?

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6. SRK in Dear Zindagi

Like fine wine, the man’s gotten better with age๐Ÿ˜˜…the histrionics, the stutter, and the sexy stubble too! ๐Ÿ˜œ KHAN the King get better than this?! ๐Ÿ˜

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7. Aishwarya in Dil Dooba

Ash is a visual feast in every film she’s appeared. But that one look she totally rocked was that of a Latina with smouldering eyes, luscious curls and a scorching scarlet gown. Check it out

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Decoding kDO

Karan Jo really should have been christened Karan DOhar! ๐Ÿ˜€ The nation’s favorite filmmaker seems to have quite a penchant for the numeral in question. Look at him below. ROFL ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

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His mantra is do se zyaada nahi! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Before you think he’s been roped in by the Family Planning Commission as their brand ambassador ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ….sorry, joke of the century! ๐Ÿ˜† ROFL…allow me to elaborate.

Barring his happy and “gay” camaraderie with King Khan ๐Ÿ˜‰ and his fondness for erstwhile-friend-now-turned-foe, Kajol, no other artist has completed a hat trick in Dharma projects where Jo wielded the megaphone.

Rani Mukherji, some might say, successfully broke the jinx, as did Farida Jalal (remember the whacky grandma in KKHH who spouted hilarious lines like “Angrez chale gaye, Almeida chhod gaye”) ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

But since cameos and bit appearances in song and dance sequences can’t really qualify as well-fleshed out, significant roles, I’ll be discounting those.

Some like Preity, Hrithik, Abhishek, and Kareena might not have had the Midas himself shaping each of their films under the Dharma banner but at least they were more fortunate than say a John, Ajay, Salman or a Saif who were ousted after just one collaboration.

Then there’s also KJo’s erstwhile strict policy of not roping in his leading ladies’ boyfriends to contend with. Poor Shahid never got a chance to set foot in the hallowed halls of Dharma. Neither will Akshay Kumar. Because of his karma, no entry into Dharma! ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜† Uski itni jurrat that he marries the (only) woman KJo ever pined for! ๐Ÿ˜†

Over time, KJo has gotten less rigid and mellowed quite a bit. He no longer is a jumpy, superstitious ‘K’-loving freak. He now ropes in real-life couples (think HSKD) and exes too! (YJHD) He has thankfully moved away from the soppy ‘Family is the alpha and omega of life’ to some more interesting genres. Thrillers, Romedies etc. I like that he’s sourced a fresh pool of talent to make Dharma the wholesome banner that it is and it’s heartening to see him hand over the directorial baton to the future of filmmaking in this country.

There’s his not-so-good side but overshadowing it is the brilliant side he’s revealed to us lately. A true-blue Gemini, wotsay?!?

Senile Express

Rahul. Naam to suna hi hoga.

At precisely that moment, someone’s audacious cellphone chose to break into profanity.

Ae ya bagga, dont yap okay
one bloody kaanpat you’ll get na you’ll see stars in the day man
your bloody grandfathers aulaas

๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Clearly, with an irreverent reply like that, King Khan’s thunder had been stolen! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

The audience in the theatre was undecided whether to laugh like jackasses at the sheer hilarity of the faux-pas or to chastise the cowering patron with a severe display of shocked outrageousness. Me…I’d slumped to the floor, rolling in mirth. That was the first time.

The second time, my brains dropped to the floor. Chennai Express had me floored. Oh no, I didn’t mean that in a good way! ๐Ÿ˜€ The blatant inanity of Rohit Shitty’s ๐Ÿ˜† latest derailed my mind. A mindless spoof on films SRK and Rohit Shetty have been associated with in the past, this caricaturish film is essentially a dig at their individual bodies of work.

So, check it out. There’s a senile 40-year-old Rahul who prefers to party instead of heading to Rameshwaram to float his grandfather’s asthi!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ In retrospect, he really should have gone to the land of feni and given us the worth of our ticket money! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Goa, after all, is Rohit Shetty’s forte.

But here is our man escorting a fully-clad village belle flanked on all sides by Raavanaa-type bails! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† The Southie hottie spouts an accent thicker than both her oiled plaits put together and multiplied by four! ๐Ÿ˜†

Punjabi munda turns into a roguish gunda. The sandook is temporarily forgotten for the bandook. Mr. Koyla (didn’t he act in a shitfest by the same name???) transforms into Mr. Koyta! ๐Ÿ˜† His koyta is indeed magical! ๐Ÿ˜› It uproots a moving vehicle in one go!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ I’ve been wielding the koyta for ages now and I can’t even manage to crack open a coconut without chipping the tiles on my kitchen floor ๐Ÿ˜€ So Sickle-ling! ๐Ÿ˜†

I must mention this one stomach-churning, gravity (and logic) defying fight sequence where SRK spits his gum on a frighteningly black, sweaty-faced, thug’s cheek. The impact of the collision sets him off like a rocket ๐Ÿ˜ฏ but not before the chewing gum, as if it sprouted wings, flies right back into SRK’s mouth!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

By jove, even RajiniCAN’t do something as outlandish as this!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† I’m sure the thug was trying to say ‘Wannakum’ and SRK misinterpreted it as ‘Wantyourgum’!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

SRK is supposed to battle Meenamma’s suitor named…now, get this! THONGBALL!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜†

There’s a lot of Tamil flying all over the place…more than even all the Bakaasura-type goons that SRK launches into outer space with his lethal stunts! ๐Ÿ˜€ The only good that can come out of watching CE is it will help a novice learn Tamil…without the aid of Rapidex!!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

BELOW: Ready, Steady, (brains fall to the) FLOOR!!! ๐Ÿ˜†

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To Cut A Long SOTY Chhoti

So, I wanted to catch SOTY the other day. This, despite knowing more about the film than probably KJo himself! ๐Ÿ˜€
But, man, did this movie whizz out of the theatres faster than a Diwali rocket or what???!!!! Not a SINGLE screen ANYWHERE in Mumbai dedicated to KJoโ€™s Bollywoodish rendition of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fireโ€ฆwhy God, why???? ๐Ÿ˜‰
Our desi Ron and Harry have the license to hit on both Hermione and Ginny; the only difference being Ginny here has no brotherโ€ฆsheesh, what were you thinking??!! ๐Ÿ˜›
Unlike their videshi counterparts, our hari puttars possess absolutely drool-worthy bodiesโ€ฆPlus the Bhaaratiya Dumbledore is overtly gayโ€ฆit certainly couldnโ€™t get better than this!
Then thereโ€™s that annoying โ€˜Anjali Anjaliโ€™, a KJo find from 14 years ago, whoโ€™s metamorphosed into one of the hottest female supporting actresses of the year. Not that I was dying to check her out! My husband was! ๐Ÿ˜€
Well, to cut a long SOTY short, the movie vanished out of the theaters faster than I could read its title! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

BELOW: Poster of the Year! Kudos to Jo for crunching in more alphabets than faces in such a tiny space.

What goes up must come down!

So, the entire nation was celebrating Big Bโ€™s 70th. Birthday in a BIGGGGG way. Chhota B(heem) ๐Ÿ™‚ came on air and said something about being very humbled that 70 artists from all over the country joined hands to exhibit a painting each on his illustrious father and I remember thinking, โ€˜Poor you! You wonโ€™t be enjoying this privilege for sure!โ€™ ๐Ÿ™‚

I sometimes wonder whether the invincible Big B finds a lump forming in his throat because his son doesnโ€™t receive the same amount of adulation as he still does. I mean, doesn’t every parent wish for bigger and better things to happen to their child?

My father caught me looking pensive and asked what was bothering me. When I told him that Babyโ€™s success would probably be the biggest gift for AB, he said, โ€œThatโ€™s life! Itโ€™s like a giantwheel. People who are at the top canโ€™t stay put there forever. And those at the bottom canโ€™t always remain there.โ€

So true, na? Thereโ€™s Jeetendra, a yesteryear superstar, who must be lamenting why Tussharโ€™s career hasnโ€™t really taken off. This was the heir who was supposed to eclipse his success, wasnโ€™t he? The progeny of Smita Patil and Raj Babbar turned out to be but a one-film wonder.

At the other end of the spectrum are Babita and Randhir. Absolute duds in their era but whose blue-eyed girls have achieved much more than perhaps any male scion of the Kapoor family has (barring Ranbir, of course!) ๐Ÿ˜‰

Rakesh Roshan might have been a miserable failure at the BO, but life wasnโ€™t so cruel! The Gods gifted him an Adonis lookalike, complete with a full head of gorgeous hair and all, unlike him! ๐Ÿ˜‰ As if that wasnโ€™t enough, his son could act, sing, dance, jump, fly and has been doing this for the last 12 years and counting!

Nothing needs to be said about Kajol whose mother didnโ€™t taste half the success that she has! And then, thereโ€™s Kajolโ€™s husband Ajay Devgn, who shines in every genre, unlike his father, who was forced to shed his ambition of becoming a hero and was restricted to being a mere stunt double.

If success truly skips a generation, ย makes you wonder na what course would Aryan and Suhanaโ€™s lives chart? Would Vivek Oberoiโ€™s kids be the next biggest thing to have happened to Bollywood twenty years hence?

Only time will tell!