Lootera ne band kiya muh mera!

No, No. Shotgun didn’t pop up at the screening to boom out ‘KHAAMOSHHHH’ at me! 😀 I’m just amazed that cinema at its simplistic best, with minimal dialogue but heaps of an intoxicating old-world charm, could weave its magic on a chatter-box like me and render me speechless.

Ok, so, Ranveer falls off his bike and glares malevolently at SonHATHI. 😆 He suspects the mini elephant and not her car is who tossed him into the ditch! 😆 😆 😆

Thus begins Vikramaditya’s second directorial outing, Lootera. A vintage romance set in the early 50s where India is not the only one who’s liberated herself 😛 There’s Sonakshi, the virginal daughter of a Zamindar in Manikpur, WB, who’s also mighty eager to liberate herself sexually with the charismatic stranger who’s stormed into their lives.

It’s all done in a nice way, though. Not wantonly…remember Vidya Balan in Parineeta? 😮 There was something so pure about their gentle lip-lock and when the leads consummated their relationship just as tenderly, it was nothing short of orgasmic! 😉 Painting by day and panting at night! 😆 😆 😆

Alas! Ranveer ditches Sonakshi at the altar! 😦 No wonder the ladies are still against Dicky Ball! 😆 But what I suspect happened here is he broke a bone or two when the heavyweight champion wrestled him in bed! 😆 😆 😆 He limps out of the plot having stolen what he’d come for. He also inadvertently robs Sonakshi of her capability to love and to live.

The apparent callousness of his gesture proves to be too much for her old father. He’s next in line to desert her by departing for a world that knows no deceit. To complicate matters, there’s a debilitating illness racking Sona’s violated body,but strangely, she feels no pain. She’s survived the worst pain of them all. That which arises out of having your heart broken! The clock is ticking and the warm glow of life is seeping out of her soul, slowly and steadily.

Overnight, the vivid hues of zestful Bengal become overwhelming – the azure lakes, the verdant forests, the golden fields, the dusty gullis. Life has been stripped of all colour. Now all that appeals to the defunct painter within is the starkness of Dalhousie. A La Jab We Met!

I might be digressing but the characters of Pakhi and Geet are almost like mirror images of each other. Both women child-like, both spurned in love, both scurry to the Himalayan foothills hoping to vanish into oblivion, both opt for a drab life as if to punish themselves for being jolly and vibrant earlier, both render gut-wrenching performances that make the audience root for them…..

Anyway, Dalhousie has been captured in the throes of winter, the stark white perfectly exposing Sona’s colorless existence. She’s working on a book, something to keep her busy in the last days. Like Johnsy in O’Henry The Last Leaf, she is painfully aware of the leaves that are fast disappearing and before the last leaf follows suit, she must achieve the very last goal of her life.

By a quirky twist of fate, a year later, the last person she’d like to see makes an unexpected reappearance and topples the apple cart one more time. Will the con artist turn into a master artist? Can he go out of his comfort zone to deceive a pro like her by painting a very believable likeness of the last leaf? That leaf that braves all odds so that she too will derive enough hope and a zest for life to follow suit. Can he make adequate amends in the life of the woman he faulted so gravely? This sets the course for the remainder of the story.

Coming over to the acting. I found Ranveer’s performance to be quite stilted. If you’ve watched how unrestrained he was in Band Baaja Baaraat, you’ll know just how inhibited he seemed in Ladies V/s Ricky Bahl. And that was a role he could have had so much fun with!

Sonakshi is first-rate as Pakhi. Heeding her father’s advice, she’s stayed ‘Khamossshhhh’ through most of the film. The strategy seems to have paid off as her silences have conveyed so much more meaning to the proceedings. I loved the vulnerability she exposed when she begs Ranveer to profess just a little love for her in return, when she pleads with him to meet her..achcha aaj nahi toh kal??? Accha toh phir parso??? For a woman of her time to disregard her dignity so is a big deal and it tugged at my heartstrings. This is Sonakshi’s film all the way. It really should have been named Looteran! This woman steals your breath away…and your heart…that effortlessly!

As for the cinematography, I have just two words for it. Top-notch! Lootera is to films what The Last Leaf is to prose! If that ain’t a compliment, I don’t know what is! It truly is one of the few poignant love stories that offers complete closure thereby satiating you fully. Watch it if you’ve ever experienced love in its truest form…or even if you haven’t!

BELOW: When life robs of you of everything worth living for, there’s still hope to see you through!


Shear DAAYAN-amite!

As I sat watching Ek Thi Daayan, I couldn’t help wondering what her journey from DOYEN to DAAYAN would be like. Transitioning from the measly 21cm to the massive 70mm, Ekta’s would have been the most convincing of debuts in the history of B-Town. She does look like a witch and acts like a complete bitch, after all! 😛

See, I told ya! 😆


Anyway, getting back to the movie.

Who names their kid Bobo? 😯 😯 😯
That name was a BAFFLER alright! 😆 😆 😆

So baby Bobo from SoBo 🙄 is like the biggest dodo I’ve seen 😆 His fears include:

JAAL (the claustrophobic elevator that he believes descends beyond the ground floor into hell) 😯

BAAL (the Garnier long and strong choti of his wicked stepmom 😆 For the benefit of us dim-witted audience, she has also conveniently been named DAAYAN-AA/ Diana) 🙄

• And PAAL (the slimy gecko this psycho thinks she metamorphoses into) 😮

The fixation with the AALs continues into adulthood. Big Babol…oops…Bobo 😆 fasaaos a MAAL in his pyaar ka JAAL 😉 and the frisky couple also decide to cement their relationship by adopting a BAAL..this time it’s not the hair… :lol:….it’s a cutesy little baby bear!!! 😀

Enter the tongue twister Kalki Koechlin 😆 and all hell breaks loose. AAL izzzzz clearly not well! As sudden as lightning came the hallucinations, that made me go Hallelujah!!! The baffler had me so baffled by his weirdness that I had to tuck my lustrous long ponytail into my T-shirt for fear of having it chopped off! I mean, Mr. Amaron Kissme literally transformed into the Amaron Bunny, 😆 chasing every woman he saw with a long choti with an even longer pair of kainchis 😆 Tel endorsement deals gaye tel lene! 😀

The climax, as with all recent B-wood offerings, was the proverbial anticlimax. I won’t tell you who fuelled/ incensed whom and who duelled whom but if you’ve ever seen a Ramsay climax, you’ll find yourself appreciating it for its superb finesse 😆

There’s always the good, the bad and the ugly in every film. Let’s dissect them slowly, one by one (in the perverse way that a Daayan relishes dissecting her victims :wink:)

The Good:

• About ten years ago, RGV’s Bhoot had me jumping up every time my doorbell rang 😮 That’s the power of a brilliantly-visualized and executed set. ETD’s art direction is so damn eerie, the slithery lizards so frikkin’ creepy, the claustrophobic elevator and spooky corridors so terrifyingly creaky and Konkona’s reptilian smile so bloody freaky, I swear I’m not trying to take your mickey! 😀

The Bad:

• The name Bobo suits a retarded baboon better 😆 And every scare doesn’t have to be a nightmare/ hallucination 🙄 We prefer the regular real-time scares, thank you!

The Ugly:

Once a hardcore critic of the Ramsay brothers and their brand of cinema, they’ve earned a diehard fan post this one 😆

In a nutshell, ETD isn’t exactly path-breaking cinema but I’m glad it doesn’t pander to the Hollywood scarefest syndrome either. I’m talking to you Saif!

Chudails and Daayans are a relatively virgin premise in B-town and kudos to the team of ETD for having the guts to make such a big-budget film on the subject. But a whole is always a sum of its parts. While there are an ample number of spectacular parts in the film, particularly in the first half, the second half has been designed to make you laugh 😆 Hara-kiri or should I say HAIRY-kiri 😆 in the case of a psycho-horror film!

Still worth a watch. Who knows? You may actually end up including it in your disc collection!

BELOW: Interesting trampoline this! 😆