DON’t!

15 August 2013 will indeed go down in the annals of history as the real D-Day! Pun-Intended! Kyunki us din Duniya mein jitne saare Don the, woh sab Once Upon Ay Time in Mumbaai Dobaara dekhke shahid ho gaye! ๐Ÿ˜†

Kutria …whoops…Luthria ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† has terribly caricaturized and diluted the essence of a true bhai. Watching his latest is sure to make Dawood cry!

Akki, the most impotent bhai in town :lol:, engages more in Linegiri than Bhaigiri ๐Ÿ˜†

Lines that are absurd to the point of seeming that they were lifted straight off the back of an autorickshaw plying in Bhendi Bazaar :lol:, here’s a sneak peek into the inanity that is OUATIMD:

(airing his views on love): “Pyaar aaj kal naukrani jaise ban gaya hai. Aata hai, bell bajata hai, kaam karke chala jaata hai.” ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

(on the changing face of Bombay): This one’s a killer! “Yeh Bumbai, Kumkum se Kimi Katkar ki tarah lag rahi hai!โ€ ๐Ÿ˜† Manda(bi)kini ki tarah kyun nahi, Shoaib ji? ๐Ÿ˜›

Anyway, Bhai recruits his protege, Aslam, from A SLUM (get the connection?) ๐Ÿ˜† in DONgri, the breeding ground of future DONS! ๐Ÿ˜† The same place DONny Boyle scoured and became a millionaire! ๐Ÿ˜†

Anyway, our desi ASLAMdog also turns millionaire jab SONAkshi uske haath lagti hain! ๐Ÿ˜† Her Jasmine should have been named ASPIRIN! That insufferable an actress! ๐Ÿ˜†

The don starts fighting tooth and nail for her to be his moll while the woman reminded me so much of Harry Potter movies ka troll! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† Dekha nateeja pura din kaala chashma pehnne ka? ๐Ÿ˜‰

In one scene, a train whizzes past Imran’s and Sona’s heads and a SRK loyalist in the audience screamed, “Woh dekh! Chennai Express unko gaad rahi hai!” ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† Amen to that!

BELOW: DONkey…nahi :razz:…DON ki toh baja di isne! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

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Lootera ne band kiya muh mera!

No, No. Shotgun didn’t pop up at the screening to boom out ‘KHAAMOSHHHH’ at me! ๐Ÿ˜€ I’m just amazed that cinema at its simplistic best, with minimal dialogue but heaps of an intoxicating old-world charm, could weave its magic on a chatter-box like me and render me speechless.

Ok, so, Ranveer falls off his bike and glares malevolently at SonHATHI. ๐Ÿ˜† He suspects the mini elephant and not her car is who tossed him into the ditch! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Thus begins Vikramadityaโ€™s second directorial outing, Lootera. A vintage romance set in the early 50s where India is not the only one whoโ€™s liberated herself ๐Ÿ˜› Thereโ€™s Sonakshi, the virginal daughter of a Zamindar in Manikpur, WB, whoโ€™s also mighty eager to liberate herself sexually with the charismatic stranger whoโ€™s stormed into their lives.

Itโ€™s all done in a nice way, though. Not wantonly…remember Vidya Balan in Parineeta? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ There was something so pure about their gentle lip-lock and when the leads consummated their relationship just as tenderly, it was nothing short of orgasmic! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Painting by day and panting at night! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Alas! Ranveer ditches Sonakshi at the altar! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ No wonder the ladies are still against Dicky Ball! ๐Ÿ˜† But what I suspect happened here is he broke a bone or two when the heavyweight champion wrestled him in bed! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† He limps out of the plot having stolen what heโ€™d come for. He also inadvertently robs Sonakshi of her capability to love and to live.

The apparent callousness of his gesture proves to be too much for her old father. He’s next in line to desert her by departing for a world that knows no deceit. To complicate matters, thereโ€™s a debilitating illness racking Sona’s violated body,but strangely, she feels no pain. Sheโ€™s survived the worst pain of them all. That which arises out of having your heart broken! The clock is ticking and the warm glow of life is seeping out of her soul, slowly and steadily.

Overnight, the vivid hues of zestful Bengal become overwhelming โ€“ the azure lakes, the verdant forests, the golden fields, the dusty gullis. Life has been stripped of all colour. Now all that appeals to the defunct painter within is the starkness of Dalhousie. A La Jab We Met!

I might be digressing but the characters of Pakhi and Geet are almost like mirror images of each other. Both women child-like, both spurned in love, both scurry to the Himalayan foothills hoping to vanish into oblivion, both opt for a drab life as if to punish themselves for being jolly and vibrant earlier, both render gut-wrenching performances that make the audience root for them…..

Anyway, Dalhousie has been captured in the throes of winter, the stark white perfectly exposing Sona’s colorless existence. Sheโ€™s working on a book, something to keep her busy in the last days. Like Johnsy in Oโ€™Henry The Last Leaf, she is painfully aware of the leaves that are fast disappearing and before the last leaf follows suit, she must achieve the very last goal of her life.

By a quirky twist of fate, a year later, the last person she’d like to see makes an unexpected reappearance and topples the apple cart one more time. Will the con artist turn into a master artist? Can he go out of his comfort zone to deceive a pro like her by painting a very believable likeness of the last leaf? That leaf that braves all odds so that she too will derive enough hope and a zest for life to follow suit. Can he make adequate amends in the life of the woman he faulted so gravely? This sets the course for the remainder of the story.

Coming over to the acting. I found Ranveerโ€™s performance to be quite stilted. If youโ€™ve watched how unrestrained he was in Band Baaja Baaraat, youโ€™ll know just how inhibited he seemed in Ladies V/s Ricky Bahl. And that was a role he could have had so much fun with!

Sonakshi is first-rate as Pakhi. Heeding her fatherโ€™s advice, sheโ€™s stayed โ€˜Khamossshhhhโ€™ through most of the film. The strategy seems to have paid off as her silences have conveyed so much more meaning to the proceedings. I loved the vulnerability she exposed when she begs Ranveer to profess just a little love for her in return, when she pleads with him to meet her..achcha aaj nahi toh kal??? Accha toh phir parso??? For a woman of her time to disregard her dignity so is a big deal and it tugged at my heartstrings. This is Sonakshiโ€™s film all the way. It really should have been named Looteran! This woman steals your breath away…and your heart…that effortlessly!

As for the cinematography, I have just two words for it. Top-notch! Lootera is to films what The Last Leaf is to prose! If that ainโ€™t a compliment, I donโ€™t know what is! It truly is one of the few poignant love stories that offers complete closure thereby satiating you fully. Watch it if youโ€™ve ever experienced love in its truest form…or even if you havenโ€™t!

BELOW: When life robs of you of everything worth living for, there’s still hope to see you through!

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Stupid Cupid- Part I

Being an ardent V-Day hater, Iโ€™ve always thought Cupid to be the most overrated of the Love Gods. Having witnessed the most absurd of B-town pairings in recent months, I now pronounce him daft! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Thereโ€™s one particular jodi thatโ€™s guaranteed to make your maatha fodi. There couldnโ€™t be a better example of the perfect antithesis. Sheโ€™s all politically correct and demure, heโ€™s brash and immature. While her Goddess-like look makes eyes pop, heโ€™s the proverbial dork, struts like a noisy cock and his talks make you balk. Many believe she has the best arse in the industry and the worst arsehole for a boyfriend from the industry! ๐Ÿ˜†

Meet B-Town’s official clown, the one and only, Ranveer Singh! (drumrolls)

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Circa 2010. I was genuinely excited when the trailer of Band Baaja Baraat hit the tube for the first time. The impish hero of the film seemed so in the skin of his character and was so effortlessly natural, I confess to being momentarily blinded by the brightest star on the horizon. But it took one chat show with KJo and I could stand him no more!

Like Iโ€™ve stated earlier, โ€˜immatureโ€™ screamed and leapt out at me the moment the man opened his mouth. It was evident Ranveer Singh brags more than he shags ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† He said something to the effect of Kareena visiting his adda and stripping him of his boyhood!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ No wonder Saif landed in the hospital right around that time with cardiac complaints! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Anyway, getting back to the show, as her retarded boyfriend kept maaraaoing fataakris, a jubilant Anushka was bursting celebratory fataakris (in her mind). She now had the full sympathy and support of the entire nation in her grand plans to ditch her conceited boyfriend.

Karan, on the other hand, who was happily munching away, nearly choked on his cookie! He was so convulsed with laughter by the sheer hilarity of the statement, I think a little bit of pee came out! ๐Ÿ˜› Before the show got rechristened โ€˜Cough-Pee with Karanโ€™, a strategically-timed ad break thankfully prevented the inevitable from happening! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Who advertises their stupidity so blatantly on national TV? Speaking of national, a hilarious episode comes to mind involving an immigrant relation from the husbandโ€™s side whoโ€™d settled down in Holland and was hopelessly in love with his new home. So much so that he had to deride everyone and everything from the place heโ€™d come to holiday at. Excerpts from the boastful conversation:

(At Spinneyโ€™s, one of the more upscale supermarket chains in Dubai)
Me: (checking the price tag on an exquisite Christmas tree) Wow!!! (pun intended)
He: Arre, yahaan green tree milta hai? Mere Holland mein na safed trees bikte hain.
Me: ๐Ÿ™„ (pretending to be stunned) Haan?!? Wow! Badiya hai!!! ๐Ÿ™„
Me: (inwardly grimacing) Registan mein kabhi barf girta hai kya, dodo? ๐Ÿ˜†

********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Me: (picking up a loaf of bread)
He: Arre, yahaan Dubai mein aisa saadha slice bread milta hai? Mere Holland mein na Pain milta hai!
Me: (wondering) Is he talking about himself???? Me quips surreptitiously ๐Ÿ˜€

A friend tagging around covertly and clearly eavesdropping wanted to know, โ€œYeh Hole-Lund Hole-Lund kya bake jaa raha tha!!!โ€

ROFL ROFL ROFL ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

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Anyway (wiping off a tear) there should be a law in place that warns, ‘BOAST AND YOU’RE TOAST!’

Till that happens, Ranveer would have lost Deepika who, much like a shuttlecock, seems happy to be shuttling between two cocks with similar-sounding names ๐Ÿ˜†

Saw Shit, Khan!

Dear SaSHIT Khan, ๐Ÿ˜€

I Saw SHIT the other day ๐Ÿ˜† and I’m PISSed! ๐Ÿ˜€ And no, it wasn’t a good Friday though it was! I wasn’t even close to thanking the Gods it was Friday!!! ๐Ÿ™„

After braving Himmatwala, I’m convinced you belong to the clan of non-competent directors. (READ Farah Con and Sheesh Bundar :lol:) That you hail from the same retarded family only adds more credence to my statement!

I won’t delve on the plot ๐Ÿ˜ฏ (any review normally demands this!!!) It requires real himmat to recap details of THE masterpiece of 2013!

Coming over to my thoughts on the film.

1. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the biggest bum of them all? Mirror: Obviously yaar, SaSHIT Khan! ๐Ÿ˜† Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the biggest bum of them all? Mirror: Satakli re satakli, aata maajhi satakli… ๐Ÿ˜† Again, Sajid!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Now you know who deserves the bum pe laat! But why Bum Pe Laat??? Did Gaand Pe Laat sound less sophisticated than the rest of your crapfest? ๐Ÿ™„

2. BAAGH-BAN: The ‘Save The Tiger’ campaign was conceived only because morons like your sister and yourself consistently use and repeatedly abuse the mighty beast in each of your highly forgettable flicks. You can be sure after watching the chronicles of the ‘Life of Ti’ in your flick ๐Ÿ˜€ Ang Lee’s gonna be very Ang ry! ๐Ÿ˜†

3. Why Himmatwala, you Dim-Mat(i)-wala? The 80s represent a terrible phase of Hindi cinema and Himmatwala-I is the most cringe-worthy film of that era. To put things in perspective, it’s like somebody remaking Aiyya 20 years hence!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

4. AJ=PJ!!!: It’s bad enough you’ve reduced my favorite hero to a distasteful PJ! ๐Ÿ˜€ What’s even worse is that you’ve timed the release of this mahadud on the eve of your hero’s happy budday.

Sajid (on the way to Ajay’s party): ‘Tohfa Tohfa Tohfa, laaya, laaya, laaya’…
Sajid (on his way back): ‘Laafa, laafa, laafa, paaya paaya, paaya’ :lol ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Himmatwala makes Housefull2 look like an Oscar-winner! You get the idea, right? With all your might, resist the urge to watch this one!!!

BELOW: Oh, what’s the point in playing the blame game now? ๐Ÿ™„

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Da Biggest Bang

2012 has been a great year for Bollywood. And a queer one too! The final Yash Chopra-SRK- AR Rahman venture was touted to smash all BO records. Smash we did…our heads!!! The film tanked, taking a cue from Anushka’s TANK tops perhaps! ๐Ÿ˜€

Still limping its way into the coveted 100cr club (much like Tehmur) is Talaash.

Khiladi 786 has officially marked the demise of the Khiladi franchise (thank God for small blessings!)

The Tiger roared menacingly at Eid and now, he’s come back with a BANG at Christmas.

I found D1 to be insipid and D2 was just as unpalatable.

I never expect too much from SK flicks these days the way I never expected much from Govinda starrers in the last millennium. In a nation obsessed with SK, even if a home video of him farting is released on Youtube, it’s bound to garner 100 crore………clicks ๐Ÿ˜›

I knew Sonakshi’s Rajjo wouldn’t have progressed by even 0.0000000001%. I knew the shirt would eventually come off. I knew the baddies would be impotent hijdas in front of our gravity-defying desi Robinhood. I knew either the director’s wife or her sister or a hot chum would provide the required titillation in an item number.

I didn’t know I’d be glued to the screen when Fevicol Se came on ๐Ÿ˜‰ (I just loved the ‘Oh No’ bit ๐Ÿ˜€ I have a gut feeling Sohail’s responsible for it ๐Ÿ˜›

I didn’t know Chulbul would mend fences with his father and brother. I didn’t know I’d walk out of the theatre with a newfound respect for that brother.

Just as an eagle swoops down for its kill, Arbaaz (true to his name) has killed his detractors with this sequel. While D2 is far from being brilliant, I’m thrilled he proved to Abhinav Kashyap in particular that nobody is indispensable. Many found the sequel an improvement over the original and that’s another feather in Arbaaz’s cap.

What pushed me to watch D2 in the theatres was to applaud the guts of this hitherto-eclipsed Khan, to celebrate his vindication, to congratulate him and his wife for supporting each other through the lean phase (lasting close to two decades!) and to thump him on the back for his resounding victory.

His movie sure has made the biggest bang this year, drowning out the hoopla surrounding doomsday and all!

BELOW: Arbaaz should have brought this out as the promotional poster for D2. It’s so much cooler!

Doomsday