When I raced outta da theater at 3G speed!

Who came up with the name 3G? And more importantly, why? Just to rhyme with Fiji, where the film has been shot? ๐Ÿ™„ That is plain sad!

Or is it a more convenient nickname for the protagonist who responds to three different names.
1. Neilji or rather NeilG
2. Nitinji / NitinG
3. Mukeshji/ MukeshG

๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Directors Sheershak Anand and Shantanu Ray Chhibber seem to be obsessed with the number 3 and Fiji. Table No. 21- their last directorial outing also adds up to 3!!! And that’s where most of us saw the exotic isle for the first time in our lives. I guess these two were in cost-cutting mode and shot both movies back-to-back…same locale, same premise…and the same idiot- ME- sat through both duds! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Is there a third horror waiting to be unleashed on us, given their penchant for the numeral? ๐Ÿ˜‰

When the promos of 3G first hit the air, I was convinced it was the poor desi cousin of ‘One Missed Call’. Both flicks belong to the same genre, the mobile phone is crucial in both cases…you get the connection, right? 3G notwithstanding ๐Ÿ˜‰ That, thankfully, is not the case.

3G is like no other horror film youโ€™ve seen, in Bollywood or elsewhere. And I donโ€™t mean that in a good way! Even the Ramsay comedies fare much better in comparison to this insipid bhootfest.

A testosterone-ridden hero who canโ€™t keep his hands off his girl jumps into the ocean with her (and every conceivable place there is on the island) to satisfy his lust. Then the daft punk realizes his mobile has slid to the depths of the azure Fijian waters and happily trots off to buy a second-hand phone!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

Who, in this day and age, buys a second-hand 3G โ€“enabled phone???!!!???? Fiji mein chutti manaate manaate sirf chutta paisa bach gaya tha that you had to settle for a used phone? ๐Ÿ˜†
And come to think of it, he should have bought a 3rd-hand mobile phone? That would ring in the number 3 reference brilliantly ๐Ÿ˜›


Anyway, a vicious bhoot resides in the cellular world who is desperate to communicate her โ€˜dukhdasโ€™ with the outside world and she’d like to avenge her death by bumping innocent couples off. So, she hurls a football at NNM when he seems more engrossed in a football match on his phone and is in no mood to lend her an ear ๐Ÿ˜† Or she pops up when everyoneโ€™s eyes are about to pop out by the brazen lovemaking scenes between the leads.

There was A LOT of making out in the film, again in 3 different styles! ๐Ÿ˜€
1. Leisurely and romantic.
2. Frenzied and animal-like and
3. Satanic and repulsive.

๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

The intimacy is what irks our bhootni. So, considering how many romps there are through the film, you know she’s one mighty pissed-off aatma ๐Ÿ˜›
A little background on her: She used to be a porn-star, not half as hot as apni Sunny Leone, ๐Ÿ˜‰ who had kept her profession hidden from her puritan and very paagal scientist BF, who was on a mission of using 3G technology to communicate with the netherworld ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

One day, Iโ€™m assuming, he must have used the internet to surf some adult sites, like the typical double-standard-walla man. Not so puritan after all, eh? ๐Ÿ˜‰ The shock of seeing his own girl in high SPIRITS, making merry with everyone but him, made him go balllistic and the rest is His(piri)tory ๐Ÿ˜†

Sonal Chauhan made the men in the theater ogle and their jaws drop so low, I couldnโ€™t tell who freaked me out more ๐Ÿ˜€ Just when the well-meaning me was trying to tweet a heads-up, the real 3G connection on my phone sputtered and died. I recognized it as an omen begging me to walk out on the absurd reelwaala 3G, race outside at 3G Usha Speed ๐Ÿ˜† and save as many unsuspecting souls (pun intended) from this mindless torture.