Hain?!!!!???

Who knew the monosyllable Vidya Balan spouts more times than you would blink your eyes actually makes for an apt title for the movie! Seriously, most things about Ghanchakkar are bleh and will certainly elicit a dozen โ€˜Hains?!?โ€™ from you ๐Ÿ˜†

A crime thriller infused with copious amounts of humour, meet the LAZY LAD Sanjay Athraye. A lackadaisical Emraan, presumably numbed by the high-voltage drama in his professional life as an ace safe-cracker, is shown to prefer the TV over the Biwi at home! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

For all the years of kissing Emraan has clocked in, he comes across as highly impotent in the film! A particularly sharp tongue wondered aloud if this was the revenge of the Lovegods after all! ๐Ÿ˜€ Nothing can manage to arouse the lazy lad from his dazed stupor, not even Vidyaโ€™s raunchy manoeuvres in his eternal comfort zone, the bedroom. ๐Ÿ˜› So much for shouting from rooftops ki

Main Entertainment Hoon!

๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Next is the CRAZY AULAD, Neetu Athraye! ๐Ÿ˜€ Through her character of a feisty Punjaban fashionista, Vidya has avenged that dreary pinafored look she was stuck with in Kahaani. Her Playboyish ensembles can send Hefnerโ€™s bunnies scurrying to their holes…in shock, of course! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Bandi yeh BINDAAS hai, who doesnโ€™t even spare her ARSE of a SAAS for getting too PAAS! ๐Ÿ˜† Her culinary experiments can best be summed up as โ€˜akin to eating GHAASโ€™ ๐Ÿ˜† but you donโ€™t want to point that out! Why risk becoming a victim of her BHADAAS? ๐Ÿ˜†

Enter the CHADDI BADD(ies), Idris and Pandit. I got to see a lot more of these two than I bargained for! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ They storm into the couple’s cozy pad to claim their share of wads from a daring heist theyโ€™d committed a couple of months ago.

Executing the loot by donning very โ€˜realโ€™ masks of Amitabh, Dharmendra and Utpal Dutt was sheer genius! The audience was in splits!!! I thought what would take the scene a few notches higher would be Emraan wearing Kareenaโ€™s mask getting a crack at the โ€˜SAIFโ€™. Get it? ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† That would seriously crack me up! ๐Ÿ˜€

My noisy neighbor griped that the trio should have drawn inspiration from real-life vandals instead and worn masks of Sonia, Rahul and Manmohan Singh!!! ๐Ÿ˜› Oooh..that would have been Oooh La La! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Then starts the Bheja Fry. Oh, btw, this filmโ€™s pace is just as sluggish. Is Sanjay shrewdly pulling off a Ghajini on them? Or did he really get robbed of his memory in that terrible accident we never get to see shortly after the burglary? Is the wife naive or is she someone waiting to stab the others in the back with a knife?

The story begins running in circles, as many as those present on Emraanโ€™s polka-dotted red night suit!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Just do a RUN-CHAKKAR. Steer Clear!

BELOW: OMG! This poster shows you in 2 seconds what I saw for 2 whole frikkin’ hours!!!!

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Saw Shit, Khan!

Dear SaSHIT Khan, ๐Ÿ˜€

I Saw SHIT the other day ๐Ÿ˜† and I’m PISSed! ๐Ÿ˜€ And no, it wasn’t a good Friday though it was! I wasn’t even close to thanking the Gods it was Friday!!! ๐Ÿ™„

After braving Himmatwala, I’m convinced you belong to the clan of non-competent directors. (READ Farah Con and Sheesh Bundar :lol:) That you hail from the same retarded family only adds more credence to my statement!

I won’t delve on the plot ๐Ÿ˜ฏ (any review normally demands this!!!) It requires real himmat to recap details of THE masterpiece of 2013!

Coming over to my thoughts on the film.

1. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the biggest bum of them all? Mirror: Obviously yaar, SaSHIT Khan! ๐Ÿ˜† Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the biggest bum of them all? Mirror: Satakli re satakli, aata maajhi satakli… ๐Ÿ˜† Again, Sajid!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Now you know who deserves the bum pe laat! But why Bum Pe Laat??? Did Gaand Pe Laat sound less sophisticated than the rest of your crapfest? ๐Ÿ™„

2. BAAGH-BAN: The ‘Save The Tiger’ campaign was conceived only because morons like your sister and yourself consistently use and repeatedly abuse the mighty beast in each of your highly forgettable flicks. You can be sure after watching the chronicles of the ‘Life of Ti’ in your flick ๐Ÿ˜€ Ang Lee’s gonna be very Ang ry! ๐Ÿ˜†

3. Why Himmatwala, you Dim-Mat(i)-wala? The 80s represent a terrible phase of Hindi cinema and Himmatwala-I is the most cringe-worthy film of that era. To put things in perspective, it’s like somebody remaking Aiyya 20 years hence!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

4. AJ=PJ!!!: It’s bad enough you’ve reduced my favorite hero to a distasteful PJ! ๐Ÿ˜€ What’s even worse is that you’ve timed the release of this mahadud on the eve of your hero’s happy budday.

Sajid (on the way to Ajay’s party): ‘Tohfa Tohfa Tohfa, laaya, laaya, laaya’…
Sajid (on his way back): ‘Laafa, laafa, laafa, paaya paaya, paaya’ :lol ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

Himmatwala makes Housefull2 look like an Oscar-winner! You get the idea, right? With all your might, resist the urge to watch this one!!!

BELOW: Oh, what’s the point in playing the blame game now? ๐Ÿ™„

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Heroin

Either Mr. Bhandarkar’s on drugs or he thinks we are! Why else would he presume we’d be high on Heroin(e) and have the audacity to craft such a dud of a movie???? This man has been serving us the same old stale wine in a new bottle for the last 10 years and we heap National Awards on him??!!!!.

I know Iโ€™m speaking for a lot of people when I say Iโ€™m not feeling tempted to lap up his nasheeli cocktail this time. The canvas always gets bigger and glossier with each film but never better. And whatโ€™s been done in the past is always repeated, but never perfected.

Hereโ€™s a checklist of what to expect from a typical Bhandarkar movie-

  1. ย More psychotic outbursts.
  2. More melodrama.
  3. More OTT performances.
  4. More cheesy dialogues.
  5. More substance abuse.
  6. More skin show, titillation, sex, item numbers and raunchiness.
  7. More stereotyped caricatures.
  8. More manipulation and bitchiness.
  9. More preaching about the flop side of fame and more gyaan spewed on the shallowness of the industry he dissects. (Why then are you so content being a member of this two-faced B-town family, Mr. Bhandarkar? Weโ€™d rather watch you become a sanyaasi post your disillusionment with the soulless film industry!)

AND LASTLY

10. More headaches after youโ€™ve braved watching the painful saga in one go!

The only thing that makes Heroine different from its highly superior predecessor, Fashion, was the inclusion of a steamy lesbian scene. I told ya! Mr. ‘Blunderkar’, oops Bhandarkar, expanded the canvas to appease to the lesbian community too. Right up to Fashion and Dil Toh Bachcha Hai Ji, which I’m quite sure nobody remembers, the spotlight was only on gays. Not fair na in an equal world.

Left with a real bitter taste in my mouth. Nothing Madhur about this one!

P.S. Mr. Bhandarkar, Iโ€™m warning you not to toy with the idea of exposing the world of prostitutes, escorts, playboys etc in your next film.

Please open that ‘bhandargarh’ of ideas and give us something new to chew on. No more halkat kahaanis pleeeeeeeeej!