Saw Shit, Khan!

Dear SaSHIT Khan, 😀

I Saw SHIT the other day 😆 and I’m PISSed! 😀 And no, it wasn’t a good Friday though it was! I wasn’t even close to thanking the Gods it was Friday!!! 🙄

After braving Himmatwala, I’m convinced you belong to the clan of non-competent directors. (READ Farah Con and Sheesh Bundar :lol:) That you hail from the same retarded family only adds more credence to my statement!

I won’t delve on the plot 😯 (any review normally demands this!!!) It requires real himmat to recap details of THE masterpiece of 2013!

Coming over to my thoughts on the film.

1. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the biggest bum of them all? Mirror: Obviously yaar, SaSHIT Khan! 😆 Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the biggest bum of them all? Mirror: Satakli re satakli, aata maajhi satakli… 😆 Again, Sajid!! 😀

Now you know who deserves the bum pe laat! But why Bum Pe Laat??? Did Gaand Pe Laat sound less sophisticated than the rest of your crapfest? 🙄

2. BAAGH-BAN: The ‘Save The Tiger’ campaign was conceived only because morons like your sister and yourself consistently use and repeatedly abuse the mighty beast in each of your highly forgettable flicks. You can be sure after watching the chronicles of the ‘Life of Ti’ in your flick 😀 Ang Lee’s gonna be very Ang ry! 😆

3. Why Himmatwala, you Dim-Mat(i)-wala? The 80s represent a terrible phase of Hindi cinema and Himmatwala-I is the most cringe-worthy film of that era. To put things in perspective, it’s like somebody remaking Aiyya 20 years hence!!! 😯

4. AJ=PJ!!!: It’s bad enough you’ve reduced my favorite hero to a distasteful PJ! 😀 What’s even worse is that you’ve timed the release of this mahadud on the eve of your hero’s happy budday.

Sajid (on the way to Ajay’s party): ‘Tohfa Tohfa Tohfa, laaya, laaya, laaya’…
Sajid (on his way back): ‘Laafa, laafa, laafa, paaya paaya, paaya’ :lol 😆 😆

Himmatwala makes Housefull2 look like an Oscar-winner! You get the idea, right? With all your might, resist the urge to watch this one!!!

BELOW: Oh, what’s the point in playing the blame game now? 🙄

Kaay Ho Chhe!

Here’s the weekly roundup of all things Bollywood forcing the couch-potato that I am to emerge from the depths of my cozy sofa and take serious notice. A few will receive bouquets, the rest bukkes 😆 Read on and enjoy maadi.

1] inspirASHAn: The Film Industry has completed a landmark 100 years and this amaaaaaaaaaazing woman has spent 70 of her 80 years being an integral part of it. I’m talking about the ‘evergreen woman’, Dev Anand’s female version if you like :lol:- the invincible Asha Bhosle!

A woman who adapts to the changing times, thus rendering herself relevant for close to a century, she’s who I call the ‘desi Madonna’ albeit the one who likes keeping her clothes on 😆 She’s a huuuuuge inspirASHAn for all those down in the dumps and who like wallowing in self-pity. By george, she’s jammed even with Boy George!!! 😆 And even though her husband was long dead, she bounced back from her sorrow with some help from Code Red! 😀

Lately, her daughter’s death was the reason for her grief but even the span of this period of mourning has been brief. Last heard, she sashayed down the ramp as showstopper for Manish Malhotra! 😯 Woohooooo! Way to go tai!

2] I ❤ New York: Who doesn’t? But what I abhor seeing is this new dork! 😆 Sunny, you’re no Johnny to titillate us with your chaddis 😆 or anything like your namesake Sunny (Leone) 😛

You look ridiculous trying to play the part of a lovelorn puppy. Tussi puppy nahi, Paa(pa)ji ho 😆 and you don’t have to step back in circa 1999, doing all that you did in Sill(y)lagi…oops Dillagi 😆 Come to think of it, he looked like a cradle-snatcher twenty years ago too! 😀

Handpump tak toh theek tha, aur kuch mat ukhaadna! 😆 😆 😆 😛 😛 😛

Seems like Kangana RanOATH likes me muttering those distasteful oaths 😆 Psycho chick avatar was wayyyyy better, at least that I did not as much loathe! 😉

3] ‘SIGH’ Paranjpye: I feel for the woman. I really do! I can’t help but SIGH! 😀 The woman’s hopping mad that a director of David Dhawan’s calibre (and this I don’t mean in a good way!) had the audacity and gumption to remake her classic. Known for inventing the highly infamous and extremely loud ‘Govinda color scheme’, make sure you carry your kaale CHASHME to the theatre 😆 and don’t forget to spout those BADDOO(aas) 😆

BELOW: Aise hi, audience ke liye dhoondthe reh jaaoge! We still prefer our ‘Chamko’! 😛

SINcredible India!

MP ajab hai, sabse gazab hai….

Of course it is!!! Who knew a bunch of khajurs from the land of Khajuraho would choose to make this prophetic by sexually assaulting a Swiss visitor. 

Barely has the furore surrounding the Swiss gangrape died down, there are reports of a British national leaping from her second-floor room at a Lucknowi hotel and limping to the nearest police station in a grievous condition to report the attempted rape by the hotel’s manager and a staff member.

Post these dastardly acts, the makers of ‘Incredible India’ will certainly have to be on the ‘Talaash’ for Aamir for any future campaigns.

Advertisements mein kya dikha rahe the? Don’t make susu on the road, don’t fling kele ka chhilkas into people’s unsuspecting faces and stuff.
Instead, they should have educated us to strip off all preconceptions of them firangs being the “morally loose” kinds and of them being ” readily available” to satisfy our lust. And no! Wearing only a bra and a thong does not mean the woman wants you to gape or is sending you feelers to rape!

Atithidevo Bhava, by no stretch of imagination, can be construed to mean Atithirapo Hava(s).

BELOW: An exclamation mark can change the entire meaning of a word, and not always in a good way!

Clone Aunty Clone!

So, I was channel-flipping last evening and came to pause on Zee Cinema. Had I not, I’d never have stumbled onto one of the biggest cons in B-town history!

Ok, so getting to the point, there was a portly Rishi kAPPUr :lol:, doing his best to catch up to the sound of ghungrus and a white sari-clad figure who was actually ambling away 😀 in an eerie, foggy forest. Now I love such amateurish productions from the eighties. Ghoulish make-up, shoddy direction, OTT acting, loud music (pun intended!), laughable plots et al.

A tale of reincarnation, Rishi-I, a forest ranger by profession, loses his life and wife (well, Chanda was to become his bride soon) to a bunch of lustful goons. Rishi-II, a slick city-bred architect, lands up at the same place years later to take the story forward. So far so good. Nothing to rouse my suspicion that this is a seen there, borne that kind of a film 😆

Suddenly, a cavernous haveli comes into the frame and a massive ‘jhumar’ swings outta nowhere towards my unsuspecting face. Down, down, still lower and CRASH! The crystal monstrosity smothers and electrocutes the baddies.

At this point, I felt as befuddled as our protagonist. A powerful wave of deja vu rocked me. Where had I seen this ridiculous climax before? Where? Where? An ad break came and I was still scratching my head when the extremely catchy ‘Jumpin Japang Jumpak Jumpak’ cut through my thoughts.

And then I saw her! Farah CON! 😆 That totli auntyji who’d cut-copied the climax of a film no one was ever likely to watch and pasted it into her over-hyped OSO. While she has credited the much-watched and loved Madhumati for inspiring her, she hasn’t said a word about lifting entire scenes from Janam Janam, probably out of sharam sharam 😆

Clearly, she took her punchline a tad too seriously. “Sirf Dekhne Ka Nahi…Lift bhi karneka!” 😀

Heaven knows why Rishi Kapoor hasn’t let the cat out of the bag yet! Either he’s forgotten he acted in OSO’s predecessor- Janam Janam is that forgettable a film! 😆 Or he was too busy nervously chewing on his fingernails- Saawariya released the same day as OSO! 😛

Anyway, all’s well that ends well. Farah got what she deserved with Tees People, me included, lining up to Maarao Khan (her) when that dudfest Tees Maar Khan released! 😆

BELOW: Hai La! 😯 She hasn’t even spared iconic Mads here! 🙄

D.O.A.

I honestly don’t think actresses come with a shelf life. Although some might say she’s in her TWILIGHT zone :razz:, Meryl Streep can still strip all the KristSIN Stewarts of this world bare-naked with her power-packed performances. 😆

Closer home, after a lifetime of hamming, I thought Sri delivered her career’s finest in English Vinglish. Returning to the silver screen with a BANG is the puffy-eyed Juhi and the botoxed Mads with their GulabGANG. I seem to be getting good at my rhyming skills! 😀

Also, who can forget Kajol? She looked like the male lead in Bekhudi with the bushy unibrow and all 😆 while the effeminate Kamal Sadanah looked like the kamsin kali or for want of a more apt title kamsin kamal 😆 While the unibrow still remains 🙄 she’s metamorphosed into one of the yummiest mummies I’ve ever seen! And no, I don’t think Olay Total Effects has anything to do with the transformation!

I believe actresses develop a better understanding of their craft with age and truly save the best for last.

Here’s one woman who is Dead Or Alive, no one can tell. She beat a hasty retreat from B-town and didn’t give her ardent fans a chance to bid her a proper farewell. I’m talking about one of the most gorgeous Miss Indias to have forayed into Bollywood- Meenakshi Sheshadri. Of course, lots of other Miss Indias have used the pageant as a springboard to set foot on B-town’s glittering soil but they were sorely lacking in one department or the other. Let’s have a look:

1. Zeenat Aman- Kya dekhte ho? Surat tumhari. SURE! 🙄 Kya chaahte ho? Chaahat tumhaari. YA RITE! 😆 100 x 100 for looks. 100 ÷ 100 for talent 😆

2. Juhi Chawla- She took her surname too seriously and must have stuffed her face with chaawal 😆 Check out her bloated face and manly features exaggerated by pathetic make-up in Sultanat. Second-to-none in the acting department especially in the comedy genre.

3. Aishwarya Rai- Could easily pass off as Zeenat Aman’s progeny. Good thing she has the Bachchan tag. Something to remember her by 😉

4. Lara Dutta- Pity we could never say “Lara kya maara!” with the career choices she made. Her husband makes up for it though! 😀

5. Priyanka Chopra- Curtly Ambrose’s lil sis jo kumbh ke mele mein bichhad gayi thi 😆 Decent acting chops though!

I could go on and on but you get the drift, right? So, if Mads was the Madhubala of the 80s and the 90s, Meenakshi was the Nargis of that time. I label her so because she had what it took to make it big in the industry. An angelic look with killer talent and that makes for a lethal combination. Plus, I have this moral yardstick that I judge all actresses by and only a handful have entered the coveted ‘NOT CHAALU’ club. Meenakshi is what they call the ‘saantus’ types who went on her sanyaas at the mere hint of a proposal from director Rajkumar Santoshi. Clearly she knew it was ‘Ghaatak’ to hitch up with the morons of the industry and if she didn’t flee, she’d end up becoming ‘Ghaayal’ 😆

Damini is easily her finest till date but if SRI can pull of an English Vinglish three decades after Sadma, (shesha)DRI has it in her too to compete with her Damini. I’m really getting good at this rhyming shit! 😛

Brushing the cobwebs off my filmi dimaag has been great fun and I shall be back with a second installment of D.O.A. (Dead or Alive)

Below: THE undisputed ethereal beauty

When I raced outta da theater at 3G speed!

Who came up with the name 3G? And more importantly, why? Just to rhyme with Fiji, where the film has been shot? 🙄 That is plain sad!

Or is it a more convenient nickname for the protagonist who responds to three different names.
1. Neilji or rather NeilG
2. Nitinji / NitinG
3. Mukeshji/ MukeshG

😆 😆 😆 😆 😆

Directors Sheershak Anand and Shantanu Ray Chhibber seem to be obsessed with the number 3 and Fiji. Table No. 21- their last directorial outing also adds up to 3!!! And that’s where most of us saw the exotic isle for the first time in our lives. I guess these two were in cost-cutting mode and shot both movies back-to-back…same locale, same premise…and the same idiot- ME- sat through both duds! 😮

Is there a third horror waiting to be unleashed on us, given their penchant for the numeral? 😉

When the promos of 3G first hit the air, I was convinced it was the poor desi cousin of ‘One Missed Call’. Both flicks belong to the same genre, the mobile phone is crucial in both cases…you get the connection, right? 3G notwithstanding 😉 That, thankfully, is not the case.

3G is like no other horror film you’ve seen, in Bollywood or elsewhere. And I don’t mean that in a good way! Even the Ramsay comedies fare much better in comparison to this insipid bhootfest.

A testosterone-ridden hero who can’t keep his hands off his girl jumps into the ocean with her (and every conceivable place there is on the island) to satisfy his lust. Then the daft punk realizes his mobile has slid to the depths of the azure Fijian waters and happily trots off to buy a second-hand phone!!! 😯

Who, in this day and age, buys a second-hand 3G –enabled phone???!!!???? Fiji mein chutti manaate manaate sirf chutta paisa bach gaya tha that you had to settle for a used phone? 😆
And come to think of it, he should have bought a 3rd-hand mobile phone? That would ring in the number 3 reference brilliantly 😛

SPOILER ALERT AHEAD

Anyway, a vicious bhoot resides in the cellular world who is desperate to communicate her ‘dukhdas’ with the outside world and she’d like to avenge her death by bumping innocent couples off. So, she hurls a football at NNM when he seems more engrossed in a football match on his phone and is in no mood to lend her an ear 😆 Or she pops up when everyone’s eyes are about to pop out by the brazen lovemaking scenes between the leads.

There was A LOT of making out in the film, again in 3 different styles! 😀
1. Leisurely and romantic.
2. Frenzied and animal-like and
3. Satanic and repulsive.

😆 😆 😆 😆

The intimacy is what irks our bhootni. So, considering how many romps there are through the film, you know she’s one mighty pissed-off aatma 😛
A little background on her: She used to be a porn-star, not half as hot as apni Sunny Leone, 😉 who had kept her profession hidden from her puritan and very paagal scientist BF, who was on a mission of using 3G technology to communicate with the netherworld 😯

One day, I’m assuming, he must have used the internet to surf some adult sites, like the typical double-standard-walla man. Not so puritan after all, eh? 😉 The shock of seeing his own girl in high SPIRITS, making merry with everyone but him, made him go balllistic and the rest is His(piri)tory 😆

Sonal Chauhan made the men in the theater ogle and their jaws drop so low, I couldn’t tell who freaked me out more 😀 Just when the well-meaning me was trying to tweet a heads-up, the real 3G connection on my phone sputtered and died. I recognized it as an omen begging me to walk out on the absurd reelwaala 3G, race outside at 3G Usha Speed 😆 and save as many unsuspecting souls (pun intended) from this mindless torture.

From Sisters-In-Law to Sistas-In-Luv

Mo(ns)thers-In-Law are passe. Regular primetime tutorials for close to two decades have served their purpose in empowering us hapless bahus to deal effectively with the dreaded species. Hail Ekta Kapoor! 😉

The other green-eyed monster to watch out for is the PISSter…oops…Sister-In-Law 😀 Closer in age to us starry-eyed brides but really a wolf in sheep’s clothing, the SIL hitherto has been portrayed as the lesser of the two evils. In reality, she’s the perfect brand ambassador for Ship matchsticks, all too crucial in jalaaoing that first potent chingaari 😆

So, while this is the Kahaani Ghar Ghar Ki 😛 the easy camaraderie shared between my dearest cousin and her sister-in-law came as a whiff of fresh air. Today’s the latter’s birthday and here’s the most heartfelt wish I’ve ever seen exchanged between women sharing a relationship that these two share. Read on:

I haven’t sought permission from either of the parties to reproduce this. But when you unshackle a relationship traditionally bound by law and suffuse it with loads of love and warmth, you can be sure you’ve earned my respect. You’re no less than a role-model for me and you deserve to be written about on my blog. Candy and Malaicca, you rock! And Happy Birthday MJ! 😀

Cheers to all the women who’ve done their bit to affix an endearing suffix to their relationships. And here’s to true sisterhood!

Die, Flee Or Bear!

A more apt title for I, Me Aur Main! 😀

Aye Max, John ka pata nahi, par Jagga Daku AB RAHAM nahi karega!

This was the spine-chilling warning issued by one John to another in the buildup to possibly the most moronic of climaxes B’wood is famed for. Superbly coined by the incorrigible Sajid Khan, I’ve always had to reach out for my Hajmolas n Hingolis each time I hear it. My stomach aches that bad from all the laughing 😆

Anyway, little did I know how prophetic that statement would be! After watching the shitfest that is I,M&M, even us law-abiding citizens won’t have any RAHAM on Johnny Gaddar? and taking a cue from Jagga Daku, we’d be more than happy to wield our CHAAKUS 😆

John’s is the worst case of regression I’ve seen. He did a Kabul Express and we were blown away by that sexy, lethal human bomb hurtling straight into our hearts. What proved fatal was that terrible overdose of Garam Masala! Was he hoping to permanently silence scathing tongues like mine? 😛

Then he had a meaty role in New York followed by a MEATy role of a ‘different’ kind 😉 on the beaches of Miami! 😆

Just when he becomes a Force to reckon with, casting away doubts that he can do justice to a solo hero project, emerged Housefull 2, whose title was at best an antithesis! 😆

After producing top class SEMENa 😯 oops cinema 😀 by way of Vicky Donor, he throws something as IMMpotent as I,M&M in our faces. Jon shakes his bon bon, A LOT, given that he’s playing an A+ narcissist in the film. But even that novelty has worn off. No more is he the Greek God Adonis. Seems more like India’s official CHADD(I)ONIS! 😆 😆 😆

Chitrangada, true to her name, is a certified ‘gadha’ 😆 beating the excellent reputation she’s built for herself with Bheem Ka Gada! 😆 😆 😆

Prachi is like one of those preachy, disciplinarian types. Very wannabe-ish. I personally can’t tolerate her for more than 30 secs. So henceforth, I’ll make sure I see her only as Miss Sofy who has to take Flyte soon 😀

Post intermission, it waw just I, Me Aur Main in the theatre. That I chose this over Ramu Kaka’s Special Chhabis drove me to bang my head against the wall and rows and rows of empty chairs! I couldn’t even blame and curse my favorite scapegoat, my hubby 🙄 Since it was just I, Me Aur Main left! 😦