Of Chiknas and Chamelis

Usually, any moment is a good photo-op moment what with  our stars always perfectly groomed. Unlike the days of yore, when fashion disasters were as likely as getting pigeon poop on your head, the current breed of stars seem to be a wisened lot.

So,while they twinkle brightly even in the dead of night donning glamorous labels and flaunting perfect coiffures, there’s only but once when they shone blazingly, looking like a million bucks. Here’s when:

1. Ranbir in Badtameez Dil

It took him 6 looooooong years to metamorphose from the sissyish clone of his mother that he used to be to THIS! I can’t put my finger on what makes him look so bloody badtameez here! 😘 Is it his ruffled,shorter crop or the badass ring in his ear or his crisply tailored suit….I could go on and on…sigh!

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2. Can’t really leave his exes behind now, can I? 😝 Deepika in Lungi Dance.

Dippy always makes our tribe feel like we ought to crawl under a rock. But looking the way she did here, we almost smashed that rock on our heads!

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3. Katrina in Everything! 😂 But she looks especially ghazab in Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahaani.

Kat looks PHAT in EVERYTHING 😂…never mind the botox jabs and all! Pre-2010, there used to some meat on her bones and her face boasted of an angelic quality that the hypodermic pricklies took away. Have a look at her ethereal beauty.

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4. Hrithik in Tu Meri

The Adonis of Hindi Cinema can’t be faulted for his look in his entire repertoire of films, but it took a Bang Bang! for him to get his look Bang-On in my sight! 😍😘

A huuuuuge fan of Simon Baker, I’ve likened Hrithik’s avatar to the Mentalist himself ….if that ain’t a compliment, I don’t know what is! 😌

 

5. Preity Zinta in Dil Se…

Chubby cheeks, dimpled chin,

Rosy lips, Teeth Within,

Wavy hair, very fair

Eyes are true, lovely two

Preity Zinta is that you?

YES YES YES!!! 😁😁😁

Bollywood’s original dimpled-beauty has looked her best only at 2 times ..the first when she was a novice and the next when she was at the top of her game in Kal Ho Naa Ho and Salaam Namaste! Agree?

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6. SRK in Dear Zindagi

Like fine wine, the man’s gotten better with age😘…the histrionics, the stutter, and the sexy stubble too! 😜 KHAN the King get better than this?! 😝

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7. Aishwarya in Dil Dooba

Ash is a visual feast in every film she’s appeared. But that one look she totally rocked was that of a Latina with smouldering eyes, luscious curls and a scorching scarlet gown. Check it out

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TRIPE OF INDIA

So, for those of you who are on Pluto and haven’t caught a whiff of the Deepika Padukone Vs ToI Tiff, here’s what transpired between the warring factions on Twitter Sunday last.

India’s leading house of journalism, having nothing more newsworthy to publish, decided to spice up their website with stock footage of Dips in a blouse with a dipping neckline. Creative huh? 🙄 And the headline they came up with simply is the proverbial cherry on the icing!‘OMG! Deepika Padukone’s Cleavage Show!!!’ WOW! SIMPLY WOW! (Saif Ali Style 😉 )

Miss Fanny, who I’ve always thought is diplomacy personified, has kicked ToI smack on its fanny and how!

To which the ToI came back with the mother of all retorts!

😯 😯 😯

I’ve been following the ensuing brouhaha where the entire film fraternity and rival news publications are lauding Dips for taking on such an established and powerful news syndicate by its horns. And then there are some, like the ditzy Pooja Bedi, who are milking this issue dry with the hopes of receiving a fat raise. Such loyalty towards the employer I tell you! Padhke aankh mein aasu aa gaye! 😉

Personally, I fully understand why the TOI has to resort to such drastic measures to ensure they stay visible. Even though they source the most premium quality of paper to print their “news” on, the final product is still way inferior to the tissue roll hanging in my toilet! 😀 😆 Didn’t Ranbir Kapoor say something to the same effect once? Atta Boy! 😛

I never thought that day would arrive but it has. Today’s Bombay Times is noticeably voluminous than the main newspaper (Considering the trashy Mirror as an appendage) There are sexperts like Mahinder Watsa, who in my opinion, is the greatest Indian inventor (of sexual fiction) of all time! 😆 😆 😆 This detailed and rather disgusting query had me ditching my mornin’ cuppa for good. Read it at your own risk! 😉

Years ago, the collegian in me witnessed Mid Day to be a best seller in the Gents’ Compartment. No, no, I wasn’t the fly on the wall there! 😉 😀 It’s just that the vendor would enter with an armload of Mid-Days that would sell like hotcakes and then enter the ladies’ compartment with the insipid Afternoon D&C, whose crosswords reaffirmed ‘Haan main paanchvi paas se bahut zyaada tez hoon!’ 😆 If Mid-Day symbolized the raunchy mate, from now on, ToI will be synonymous with voyeuristic porn.

Oops pics might titillate and be enjoyed by a few but for the larger majority, they are a major put-off. If you own such a large database of pictures that debase, by all means come out with a PlayTOI for the horny few. 😉 😀 😆 But then you shouldn’t portray yourself to be a crusader of women’s rights. What’s the grand idea in talking about mahila shakti on Pages 1 and 2 and then giving us a glimpse of Alia’s chaddi, when her skirt accidentally rode up during a promotional event, on Page 3. That makes you the worst kind of hypocrite there ever is! 🙄

When you take a stand, I think it is representative of your entire conglomerate. So was Arnab’s condemning and crucifying Nirbhaya’s heinous rapists just a farce? Or was she spared from such humiliating objectification just because she didn’t have a wow cleavage a la Miss Padukone?

Getting back to dips,The ToI might have showed us her cleavage but the girl showed us she’s got balls! As Alia puts it so succinctly,

I’m euphoric you’ve finally got what was coming to you, you Tribe of Idiots (ToI)! 😆 And here’s a little treat from the far-superior Hindu to buoy that euphoria a little more. Enjoy!

Lootera!

I’m all for exhibitionists and their scorching PDA. Their antics are an elixir to my soul! 😉

Sunanda Tharoor (God bless her soul!) took away with her my fledgling interest in politics.

My interest in Bollywood too is slowly waning. The current crop of actors, with their politically-correct, well-rehearsed responses and their guarded stance, make me want to kill myself! 😮

Thank God for Ranveer Singh! Just like Rakhi Sawant made the last decade so memorable for us, Ranveer Singh has taken it upon himself to up the ante in present times. Notice these two colorful personalities share the same initials. Coincidence eh? 😉

So, the latest is that Ranveer Singh is still high on Ram Leela. Wonder why when it was his girlfriend who walked away with all the accolades! 🙄

Anyway, at Ahana Deol’s reception, our Desi Romeo and Juliet had suhaag raat more on their minds than the newly-wed couple themselves! 😯 According to onlookers, the concerned hosts rushed to Ranveer’s side thinking lahu muh lag gaya till they discovered lover’s muh lag gaya!!! 😆 Dippy, high time you invest in non-transferable lippies! 😆 😆 😆

After the kiss, a piss was in order. 😀 Gallant lover instantly dropped his plate to escort his Juliet to the Looliet….oops…Toilet. 😛 I wonder what reason he might have given Dippy for chaperoning her. “Nahi, main bhi saath chaloonga. Mujhe banna hai LOO tera!!!” 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆

Abey, yeh kabaab mein haddi kahaan se aa gaya!

Screw Dheela!

The debacle of Saawariya has indeed made the man a Baawariya! 😀 Who plants peacocks in the Rann of Kutch? 😯 True, Mr. SanjAESTHETIC Bhansali has a penchant for making every frame a visual treat, but peacocks in the middle of a stark desert?!? Really?!?

Furthermore, Bhansali has taken every conceivable liberty there is in his adaptation of Shakespeare’s classic. Now, don’t spill your coffee, but our desi RAMeo ekes out his living by running a…ahem… blue-film lending library!!! 😮 in the Raand of….oops Rann of Kutch! 😛

Leela, on the other hand, is easily the most wanton Juliet I have EVER seen! She just pounces on Ram and literally chews his lips off the FIRST time she sets eyes on him!!! Guys, any of you remember Claire Danes??? How innocent she seemed in every frame? How tentative and ‘sweet’ her kisses were? Leela seems like a pro(stitute) 😆 in comparison. She caresses Ram’s butt and even makes out with him in his Hall of Shame! I thought she was trying to outperform every one of those girls in Ram’s disc collection. 😛 Bhansali really should’ve roped in Sunny Leone to play Leela. The woman has the requisite expertise to pull off the raunchiness more convincingly and would have cut production costs considerably. 😆

SLB, in the future, must also remember to remunerate his dialogue writers more handsomely else there’s always the risk of his magnum opus passing off as a crude David Dhawan-esque sexfest. Leela actually quizzes Ram about ‘his size!’ 😯 No matter how horny one might be feeling, who in this day and age mouths lines like, ‘Green angoor aur peela kela!’ 😆 Sheesh! Looks like Bhansali is desperate to get Ram’s lending library to circulate his semi-porn flick after all!

BELOW: Hey Ram!

Senile Express

Rahul. Naam to suna hi hoga.

At precisely that moment, someone’s audacious cellphone chose to break into profanity.

Ae ya bagga, dont yap okay
one bloody kaanpat you’ll get na you’ll see stars in the day man
your bloody grandfathers aulaas

😯 😯 😆 😆 😆

Clearly, with an irreverent reply like that, King Khan’s thunder had been stolen! 😆 😆 😆

The audience in the theatre was undecided whether to laugh like jackasses at the sheer hilarity of the faux-pas or to chastise the cowering patron with a severe display of shocked outrageousness. Me…I’d slumped to the floor, rolling in mirth. That was the first time.

The second time, my brains dropped to the floor. Chennai Express had me floored. Oh no, I didn’t mean that in a good way! 😀 The blatant inanity of Rohit Shitty’s 😆 latest derailed my mind. A mindless spoof on films SRK and Rohit Shetty have been associated with in the past, this caricaturish film is essentially a dig at their individual bodies of work.

So, check it out. There’s a senile 40-year-old Rahul who prefers to party instead of heading to Rameshwaram to float his grandfather’s asthi!!! 😯 In retrospect, he really should have gone to the land of feni and given us the worth of our ticket money! 😉 Goa, after all, is Rohit Shetty’s forte.

But here is our man escorting a fully-clad village belle flanked on all sides by Raavanaa-type bails! 😆 😆 😆 The Southie hottie spouts an accent thicker than both her oiled plaits put together and multiplied by four! 😆

Punjabi munda turns into a roguish gunda. The sandook is temporarily forgotten for the bandook. Mr. Koyla (didn’t he act in a shitfest by the same name???) transforms into Mr. Koyta! 😆 His koyta is indeed magical! 😛 It uproots a moving vehicle in one go!!! 😯 I’ve been wielding the koyta for ages now and I can’t even manage to crack open a coconut without chipping the tiles on my kitchen floor 😀 So Sickle-ling! 😆

I must mention this one stomach-churning, gravity (and logic) defying fight sequence where SRK spits his gum on a frighteningly black, sweaty-faced, thug’s cheek. The impact of the collision sets him off like a rocket 😯 but not before the chewing gum, as if it sprouted wings, flies right back into SRK’s mouth!!! 😮

By jove, even RajiniCAN’t do something as outlandish as this!!! 😆 😆 😆 I’m sure the thug was trying to say ‘Wannakum’ and SRK misinterpreted it as ‘Wantyourgum’!!! 😆 😆 😆

SRK is supposed to battle Meenamma’s suitor named…now, get this! THONGBALL!!! 😯 😛 😉 😀 😆

There’s a lot of Tamil flying all over the place…more than even all the Bakaasura-type goons that SRK launches into outer space with his lethal stunts! 😀 The only good that can come out of watching CE is it will help a novice learn Tamil…without the aid of Rapidex!!! 😆 😆 😆

BELOW: Ready, Steady, (brains fall to the) FLOOR!!! 😆

aYAWN DUKHDARDji- Only a one-film wonder?

Itna gussa kyun aa raha hai
Tune scenes lift karke film mein milaya
Dugna gussa kyun chaa raha hai
Pehle se humne yeh sab kuch hai dekha

I shit you not! There’s so much Cut-Copy-Paste happening in Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, it’s not even funny! 😀

Firstly, there’s the name ‘Naina’ lifted straight off from KHNH. As if gouging out the ‘nainas’ wasn’t enough, Ayan had to go rob even her dark-rimmed spectacles!!! 🙄

There’s also that classic DDLJ scene that had us all dying to kick Kajol’s rotund butt :lol:, only to make her run faster and hop aboard that life-changing train to Zurich. Looking at Miss Padukone’s looooooong strides, my giggly gal pals wondered aloud if our desi train that was budging along grudgingly had to do the catching up! 😆 😆 😆

If Aashiqui 2 symbolized Good Friday to Aditya Roy Kapoor’s fans, YJHD represents Easter! The beudah has risen back to life and how! Silly banter caused us to erupt into further noisy giggles. We agreed that he’d signed on YJHD purely because his co-star is named RUM BEER!!!! 😆 😆 😆

As if to placate all the feathers he might have ruffled, Ayaan resorts to blatant plagiarism from his own accomplished directorial debut, Wake Up Sid! 😯 sAYAANa, that’s what the lad is! 😉

I thought these lines from one of his songs fitting for the master plagiarist 😀

Aaj abhi maine tera boycott kar diya
Teri saari harqatein main toh note karu
Tujhe thaane mein le jaake main report karu 😆

He should have actually considered christening his second labour of love, ‘Wake Up Kids!’ His 21-year old kids are surprisingly quite slow on the uptake. For example, Dips, an aspiring doctor, is prejudiced enough to believe that babies can be born to one only after marriage! 😯 There goes KJo’s dream of fathering a biological child as a single parent!!! 😆 😆 😆

The scene expectedly elicited the wrath of a very liberal-minded friend, who was aghast at such regressive dialogues.”‘Made for the Youth by the Youth’ MY FOOT!” she grumbled. “More like, ‘Made for the Youth by a Ch*#t!’” she thundered. 😆 😆 😆

Moving over to the performances. Boasting of a stellar star cast, YJHD cannot be faulted in this particular department.

I’ve already touched upon Aditya Roy Kapoor’s DAARU…Oooops…SAARU act! 😀
From alleged Daayan to purported Lesbian, Kalki can rock it all! 😛

That there can never be smoke without fire is amply proven by the smoldering chemistry between the leads. These two aren’t done with each other, professionally and personally! All I could think of whenever they came on screen was, ‘Dude, go get a room!’ 😉

Here’s my proof 😉

But good acting + a mediocre story = a forgettable film. I was sorely disappointed that YJHD turned out to be nothing more than a glossy and glorified version of WUS! Only with a generous tadka of romance, bromance and dance! I expected so so so so so much more from Ayaan. Instead, all I could manage was A(big)YAWN! 😆

Here’s a link to the press conference. It’s so much more entertaining!

Stupid Cupid- Part I

Being an ardent V-Day hater, I’ve always thought Cupid to be the most overrated of the Love Gods. Having witnessed the most absurd of B-town pairings in recent months, I now pronounce him daft! 😉

There’s one particular jodi that’s guaranteed to make your maatha fodi. There couldn’t be a better example of the perfect antithesis. She’s all politically correct and demure, he’s brash and immature. While her Goddess-like look makes eyes pop, he’s the proverbial dork, struts like a noisy cock and his talks make you balk. Many believe she has the best arse in the industry and the worst arsehole for a boyfriend from the industry! 😆

Meet B-Town’s official clown, the one and only, Ranveer Singh! (drumrolls)

Circa 2010. I was genuinely excited when the trailer of Band Baaja Baraat hit the tube for the first time. The impish hero of the film seemed so in the skin of his character and was so effortlessly natural, I confess to being momentarily blinded by the brightest star on the horizon. But it took one chat show with KJo and I could stand him no more!

Like I’ve stated earlier, ‘immature’ screamed and leapt out at me the moment the man opened his mouth. It was evident Ranveer Singh brags more than he shags 😆 😆 😆 He said something to the effect of Kareena visiting his adda and stripping him of his boyhood!!! 😯 No wonder Saif landed in the hospital right around that time with cardiac complaints! 😆 😆 😆

Anyway, getting back to the show, as her retarded boyfriend kept maaraaoing fataakris, a jubilant Anushka was bursting celebratory fataakris (in her mind). She now had the full sympathy and support of the entire nation in her grand plans to ditch her conceited boyfriend.

Karan, on the other hand, who was happily munching away, nearly choked on his cookie! He was so convulsed with laughter by the sheer hilarity of the statement, I think a little bit of pee came out! 😛 Before the show got rechristened ‘Cough-Pee with Karan’, a strategically-timed ad break thankfully prevented the inevitable from happening! 😆 😆 😆

Who advertises their stupidity so blatantly on national TV? Speaking of national, a hilarious episode comes to mind involving an immigrant relation from the husband’s side who’d settled down in Holland and was hopelessly in love with his new home. So much so that he had to deride everyone and everything from the place he’d come to holiday at. Excerpts from the boastful conversation:

(At Spinney’s, one of the more upscale supermarket chains in Dubai)
Me: (checking the price tag on an exquisite Christmas tree) Wow!!! (pun intended)
He: Arre, yahaan green tree milta hai? Mere Holland mein na safed trees bikte hain.
Me: 🙄 (pretending to be stunned) Haan?!? Wow! Badiya hai!!! 🙄
Me: (inwardly grimacing) Registan mein kabhi barf girta hai kya, dodo? 😆

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Me: (picking up a loaf of bread)
He: Arre, yahaan Dubai mein aisa saadha slice bread milta hai? Mere Holland mein na Pain milta hai!
Me: (wondering) Is he talking about himself???? Me quips surreptitiously 😀

A friend tagging around covertly and clearly eavesdropping wanted to know, “Yeh Hole-Lund Hole-Lund kya bake jaa raha tha!!!”

ROFL ROFL ROFL 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆

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Anyway (wiping off a tear) there should be a law in place that warns, ‘BOAST AND YOU’RE TOAST!’

Till that happens, Ranveer would have lost Deepika who, much like a shuttlecock, seems happy to be shuttling between two cocks with similar-sounding names 😆

Clone Aunty Clone!

So, I was channel-flipping last evening and came to pause on Zee Cinema. Had I not, I’d never have stumbled onto one of the biggest cons in B-town history!

Ok, so getting to the point, there was a portly Rishi kAPPUr :lol:, doing his best to catch up to the sound of ghungrus and a white sari-clad figure who was actually ambling away 😀 in an eerie, foggy forest. Now I love such amateurish productions from the eighties. Ghoulish make-up, shoddy direction, OTT acting, loud music (pun intended!), laughable plots et al.

A tale of reincarnation, Rishi-I, a forest ranger by profession, loses his life and wife (well, Chanda was to become his bride soon) to a bunch of lustful goons. Rishi-II, a slick city-bred architect, lands up at the same place years later to take the story forward. So far so good. Nothing to rouse my suspicion that this is a seen there, borne that kind of a film 😆

Suddenly, a cavernous haveli comes into the frame and a massive ‘jhumar’ swings outta nowhere towards my unsuspecting face. Down, down, still lower and CRASH! The crystal monstrosity smothers and electrocutes the baddies.

At this point, I felt as befuddled as our protagonist. A powerful wave of deja vu rocked me. Where had I seen this ridiculous climax before? Where? Where? An ad break came and I was still scratching my head when the extremely catchy ‘Jumpin Japang Jumpak Jumpak’ cut through my thoughts.

And then I saw her! Farah CON! 😆 That totli auntyji who’d cut-copied the climax of a film no one was ever likely to watch and pasted it into her over-hyped OSO. While she has credited the much-watched and loved Madhumati for inspiring her, she hasn’t said a word about lifting entire scenes from Janam Janam, probably out of sharam sharam 😆

Clearly, she took her punchline a tad too seriously. “Sirf Dekhne Ka Nahi…Lift bhi karneka!” 😀

Heaven knows why Rishi Kapoor hasn’t let the cat out of the bag yet! Either he’s forgotten he acted in OSO’s predecessor- Janam Janam is that forgettable a film! 😆 Or he was too busy nervously chewing on his fingernails- Saawariya released the same day as OSO! 😛

Anyway, all’s well that ends well. Farah got what she deserved with Tees People, me included, lining up to Maarao Khan (her) when that dudfest Tees Maar Khan released! 😆

BELOW: Hai La! 😯 She hasn’t even spared iconic Mads here! 🙄