Decoding kDO

Karan Jo really should have been christened Karan DOhar! 😀 The nation’s favorite filmmaker seems to have quite a penchant for the numeral in question. Look at him below. ROFL 😆 😆 😆

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His mantra is do se zyaada nahi! 😉 Before you think he’s been roped in by the Family Planning Commission as their brand ambassador 😆 😆 😆 ….sorry, joke of the century! 😆 ROFL…allow me to elaborate.

Barring his happy and “gay” camaraderie with King Khan 😉 and his fondness for erstwhile-friend-now-turned-foe, Kajol, no other artist has completed a hat trick in Dharma projects where Jo wielded the megaphone.

Rani Mukherji, some might say, successfully broke the jinx, as did Farida Jalal (remember the whacky grandma in KKHH who spouted hilarious lines like “Angrez chale gaye, Almeida chhod gaye”) 😆 😆 😆

But since cameos and bit appearances in song and dance sequences can’t really qualify as well-fleshed out, significant roles, I’ll be discounting those.

Some like Preity, Hrithik, Abhishek, and Kareena might not have had the Midas himself shaping each of their films under the Dharma banner but at least they were more fortunate than say a John, Ajay, Salman or a Saif who were ousted after just one collaboration.

Then there’s also KJo’s erstwhile strict policy of not roping in his leading ladies’ boyfriends to contend with. Poor Shahid never got a chance to set foot in the hallowed halls of Dharma. Neither will Akshay Kumar. Because of his karma, no entry into Dharma! 😛 😀 😆 Uski itni jurrat that he marries the (only) woman KJo ever pined for! 😆

Over time, KJo has gotten less rigid and mellowed quite a bit. He no longer is a jumpy, superstitious ‘K’-loving freak. He now ropes in real-life couples (think HSKD) and exes too! (YJHD) He has thankfully moved away from the soppy ‘Family is the alpha and omega of life’ to some more interesting genres. Thrillers, Romedies etc. I like that he’s sourced a fresh pool of talent to make Dharma the wholesome banner that it is and it’s heartening to see him hand over the directorial baton to the future of filmmaking in this country.

There’s his not-so-good side but overshadowing it is the brilliant side he’s revealed to us lately. A true-blue Gemini, wotsay?!?

TRIPE OF INDIA

So, for those of you who are on Pluto and haven’t caught a whiff of the Deepika Padukone Vs ToI Tiff, here’s what transpired between the warring factions on Twitter Sunday last.

India’s leading house of journalism, having nothing more newsworthy to publish, decided to spice up their website with stock footage of Dips in a blouse with a dipping neckline. Creative huh? 🙄 And the headline they came up with simply is the proverbial cherry on the icing!‘OMG! Deepika Padukone’s Cleavage Show!!!’ WOW! SIMPLY WOW! (Saif Ali Style 😉 )

Miss Fanny, who I’ve always thought is diplomacy personified, has kicked ToI smack on its fanny and how!

dips 1

dips 2

dips 3

To which the ToI came back with the mother of all retorts!

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😯 😯 😯

I’ve been following the ensuing brouhaha where the entire film fraternity and rival news publications are lauding Dips for taking on such an established and powerful news syndicate by its horns. And then there are some, like the ditzy Pooja Bedi, who are milking this issue dry with the hopes of receiving a fat raise. Such loyalty towards the employer I tell you! Padhke aankh mein aasu aa gaye! 😉

Personally, I fully understand why the TOI has to resort to such drastic measures to ensure they stay visible. Even though they source the most premium quality of paper to print their “news” on, the final product is still way inferior to the tissue roll hanging in my toilet! 😀 😆 Didn’t Ranbir Kapoor say something to the same effect once? Atta Boy! 😛

I never thought that day would arrive but it has. Today’s Bombay Times is noticeably voluminous than the main newspaper (Considering the trashy Mirror as an appendage) There are sexperts like Mahinder Watsa, who in my opinion, is the greatest Indian inventor (of sexual fiction) of all time! 😆 😆 😆 This detailed and rather disgusting query had me ditching my mornin’ cuppa for good. Read it at your own risk! 😉

Mahinder Watsa

Years ago, the collegian in me witnessed Mid Day to be a best seller in the Gents’ Compartment. No, no, I wasn’t the fly on the wall there! 😉 😀 It’s just that the vendor would enter with an armload of Mid-Days that would sell like hotcakes and then enter the ladies’ compartment with the insipid Afternoon D&C, whose crosswords reaffirmed ‘Haan main paanchvi paas se bahut zyaada tez hoon!’ 😆 If Mid-Day symbolized the raunchy mate, from now on, ToI will be synonymous with voyeuristic porn.

Oops pics might titillate and be enjoyed by a few but for the larger majority, they are a major put-off. If you own such a large database of pictures that debase, by all means come out with a PlayTOI for the horny few. 😉 😀 😆 But then you shouldn’t portray yourself to be a crusader of women’s rights. What’s the grand idea in talking about mahila shakti on Pages 1 and 2 and then giving us a glimpse of Alia’s chaddi, when her skirt accidentally rode up during a promotional event, on Page 3. That makes you the worst kind of hypocrite there ever is! 🙄

When you take a stand, I think it is representative of your entire conglomerate. So was Arnab’s condemning and crucifying Nirbhaya’s heinous rapists just a farce? Or was she spared from such humiliating objectification just because she didn’t have a wow cleavage a la Miss Padukone?

Getting back to dips,The ToI might have showed us her cleavage but the girl showed us she’s got balls! As Alia puts it so succinctly,

dips 5

I’m euphoric you’ve finally got what was coming to you, you Tribe of Idiots (ToI)! 😆 And here’s a little treat from the far-superior Hindu to buoy that euphoria a little more. Enjoy!

abba DABBA jabba

I’m forever muttering profanities at the absurdity Bollywood churns out. But after eons, a B-town flick has left me stuttering! I am at a complete loss for words and this I mean in a good way. The Lunchbox is one of those rare cinematic treats that will shush you into silence to make audible those tentative whispers emanating from your soul.

A slice-of-life film abounding with characters that could very well have been fleshed out from your ordinary universe and mine, it’s hard to believe that all it takes for a mundane existence to transform into a magical one is a teeny-weeny bit of conspiracy on the part of fate.

In his twilight zone, Saajan Fernandez is well aware he’s no Robert Pattinson 😆 His nights have none of the latter’s high-octane energy, typical of a lonely widower. He slogs his butt by day and flogs his butt by night outta sheer boredom 😆 He’s the kind of man who would love to abolish all holidays in the Indian calendar year, including Sundays! 😯 Just so that he can shine at work rather than whine to himself in his lonely home. Even Black and White have more color to them than the colorless life Saajan has taken to existing.

A steaming hot dabba spewing the most tempting of aromas falls from the heavens into his lap and color starts gobbling the starkness of his life. Turns out the source behind the life-altering lunches is Ila.

Ila’s plate seems to be more full than the dabba she inadvertently rustles up for Saajan. There’s a young daughter to nurture, an indifferent and possibly unfaithful husband to woo back and a million other thankless chores housewives around the world are expected to attend to. Ila sets out to knock on the firmly-shut doors of her husband’s heart through his stomach. Par daane daane pe likha hota hai khaane waale ka naam. In this case, Saajan’s. Conspiring with the Gods are Mumbai’s Lunch Gods, the Dabbawalas 😆 who make this happy ‘accident’ possible.

Quite uncharacteristically, the normally-restrained soul tucks in a quirky note of profuse thanks. It’s pretty symbolic that despite having people to talk to- her daughter, her husband, and a friendly soul for a neighbor, Ila should turn to the handwritten note to affirm her worth.

In a rather impersonal age of FB and Whatsapp, these two lonely fossils are more than happy to tuck intimate notes in a dabba- complimenting, criticizing, contradicting and consoling each other. An undefinable bond blossoms between the unseen protagonists. Is it love? Is it mere companionship? I couldn’t say for sure but it’s so damned pure, it seems almost utopian. They really should have modified the background song to ‘Tu KHAAshiq hai, main teri KHAAS CHICK(i)’ 😆 😆 😆

Bharati Achrekar as The VOICE and Nawazuddin as Shaikh are the finishing touches to an already perfect meal…or should I say lunch? If you watch closely, you’ll realize that everything in this rather ‘toned-down/ quiet’ film seems to do a lot of talking. Saajan’s monochromatic wardrobe is the perfect testament to his drab existence. Clean and neat, yet tired. Adjectives perfectly suited to their owner as well.

As the grumblings of the stomach transform to pleasurable rumblings, the austere demeanor takes a tumbling. Out come the cheques and a few colors that would delight the cockles of Govinda’s heart! 😆 The man is walking in the clouds a la Keanu Reeves. He now likes to punctuate the silences with whistling and humming and it’s that mental nick he suffers whilst shaving that sends him crashing down to earth. Could anything concrete come out of this tantalizing yet covert relationship? Does he have it in him to banish the blues from his life forever? Can he make a move that will send tumbling all the other pieces on the chessboard called life?

Ila finds silence cloying. So she must engage in loud conversation with an unseen neighbor even as the radio blares in the background. Yet, the most meaningful words ever said to her that have stirred her up like never before are on a piece of paper! Acknowledgement of her efforts, never mind that it’s from a stranger, fires her up to look better because the world finally seems to be getting better.

You really have to be attentive to catch these small things that catapult a film into greatness. And The Lunchbox is brimming with delights. It’s truly a feast for the senses. I’m unashamedly on my third helping and salivating for more 😛 You will be, too. Bon appetit then!

BELOW: A Feast Fit For a King? You bet!

2013-09-25 12_11_36-the-lunchbox-2v - Windows Live Photo Gallery

aYAWN DUKHDARDji- Only a one-film wonder?

Itna gussa kyun aa raha hai
Tune scenes lift karke film mein milaya
Dugna gussa kyun chaa raha hai
Pehle se humne yeh sab kuch hai dekha

I shit you not! There’s so much Cut-Copy-Paste happening in Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, it’s not even funny! 😀

Firstly, there’s the name ‘Naina’ lifted straight off from KHNH. As if gouging out the ‘nainas’ wasn’t enough, Ayan had to go rob even her dark-rimmed spectacles!!! 🙄

There’s also that classic DDLJ scene that had us all dying to kick Kajol’s rotund butt :lol:, only to make her run faster and hop aboard that life-changing train to Zurich. Looking at Miss Padukone’s looooooong strides, my giggly gal pals wondered aloud if our desi train that was budging along grudgingly had to do the catching up! 😆 😆 😆

If Aashiqui 2 symbolized Good Friday to Aditya Roy Kapoor’s fans, YJHD represents Easter! The beudah has risen back to life and how! Silly banter caused us to erupt into further noisy giggles. We agreed that he’d signed on YJHD purely because his co-star is named RUM BEER!!!! 😆 😆 😆

As if to placate all the feathers he might have ruffled, Ayaan resorts to blatant plagiarism from his own accomplished directorial debut, Wake Up Sid! 😯 sAYAANa, that’s what the lad is! 😉

I thought these lines from one of his songs fitting for the master plagiarist 😀

Aaj abhi maine tera boycott kar diya
Teri saari harqatein main toh note karu
Tujhe thaane mein le jaake main report karu
😆

He should have actually considered christening his second labour of love, ‘Wake Up Kids!’ His 21-year old kids are surprisingly quite slow on the uptake. For example, Dips, an aspiring doctor, is prejudiced enough to believe that babies can be born to one only after marriage! 😯 There goes KJo’s dream of fathering a biological child as a single parent!!! 😆 😆 😆

The scene expectedly elicited the wrath of a very liberal-minded friend, who was aghast at such regressive dialogues.”‘Made for the Youth by the Youth’ MY FOOT!” she grumbled. “More like, ‘Made for the Youth by a Ch*#t!’” she thundered. 😆 😆 😆

Moving over to the performances. Boasting of a stellar star cast, YJHD cannot be faulted in this particular department.

I’ve already touched upon Aditya Roy Kapoor’s DAARU…Oooops…SAARU act! 😀
From alleged Daayan to purported Lesbian, Kalki can rock it all! 😛

That there can never be smoke without fire is amply proven by the smoldering chemistry between the leads. These two aren’t done with each other, professionally and personally! All I could think of whenever they came on screen was, ‘Dude, go get a room!’ 😉

Here’s my proof 😉

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But good acting + a mediocre story = a forgettable film. I was sorely disappointed that YJHD turned out to be nothing more than a glossy and glorified version of WUS! Only with a generous tadka of romance, bromance and dance! I expected so so so so so much more from Ayaan. Instead, all I could manage was A(big)YAWN! 😆

Here’s a link to the press conference. It’s so much more entertaining!

Stupid Cupid- Part I

Being an ardent V-Day hater, I’ve always thought Cupid to be the most overrated of the Love Gods. Having witnessed the most absurd of B-town pairings in recent months, I now pronounce him daft! 😉

There’s one particular jodi that’s guaranteed to make your maatha fodi. There couldn’t be a better example of the perfect antithesis. She’s all politically correct and demure, he’s brash and immature. While her Goddess-like look makes eyes pop, he’s the proverbial dork, struts like a noisy cock and his talks make you balk. Many believe she has the best arse in the industry and the worst arsehole for a boyfriend from the industry! 😆

Meet B-Town’s official clown, the one and only, Ranveer Singh! (drumrolls)

ranveer

Circa 2010. I was genuinely excited when the trailer of Band Baaja Baraat hit the tube for the first time. The impish hero of the film seemed so in the skin of his character and was so effortlessly natural, I confess to being momentarily blinded by the brightest star on the horizon. But it took one chat show with KJo and I could stand him no more!

Like I’ve stated earlier, ‘immature’ screamed and leapt out at me the moment the man opened his mouth. It was evident Ranveer Singh brags more than he shags 😆 😆 😆 He said something to the effect of Kareena visiting his adda and stripping him of his boyhood!!! 😯 No wonder Saif landed in the hospital right around that time with cardiac complaints! 😆 😆 😆

Anyway, getting back to the show, as her retarded boyfriend kept maaraaoing fataakris, a jubilant Anushka was bursting celebratory fataakris (in her mind). She now had the full sympathy and support of the entire nation in her grand plans to ditch her conceited boyfriend.

Karan, on the other hand, who was happily munching away, nearly choked on his cookie! He was so convulsed with laughter by the sheer hilarity of the statement, I think a little bit of pee came out! 😛 Before the show got rechristened ‘Cough-Pee with Karan’, a strategically-timed ad break thankfully prevented the inevitable from happening! 😆 😆 😆

Who advertises their stupidity so blatantly on national TV? Speaking of national, a hilarious episode comes to mind involving an immigrant relation from the husband’s side who’d settled down in Holland and was hopelessly in love with his new home. So much so that he had to deride everyone and everything from the place he’d come to holiday at. Excerpts from the boastful conversation:

(At Spinney’s, one of the more upscale supermarket chains in Dubai)
Me: (checking the price tag on an exquisite Christmas tree) Wow!!! (pun intended)
He: Arre, yahaan green tree milta hai? Mere Holland mein na safed trees bikte hain.
Me: 🙄 (pretending to be stunned) Haan?!? Wow! Badiya hai!!! 🙄
Me: (inwardly grimacing) Registan mein kabhi barf girta hai kya, dodo? 😆

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Me: (picking up a loaf of bread)
He: Arre, yahaan Dubai mein aisa saadha slice bread milta hai? Mere Holland mein na Pain milta hai!
Me: (wondering) Is he talking about himself???? Me quips surreptitiously 😀

A friend tagging around covertly and clearly eavesdropping wanted to know, “Yeh Hole-Lund Hole-Lund kya bake jaa raha tha!!!”

ROFL ROFL ROFL 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆

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Anyway (wiping off a tear) there should be a law in place that warns, ‘BOAST AND YOU’RE TOAST!’

Till that happens, Ranveer would have lost Deepika who, much like a shuttlecock, seems happy to be shuttling between two cocks with similar-sounding names 😆

To Cut A Long SOTY Chhoti

So, I wanted to catch SOTY the other day. This, despite knowing more about the film than probably KJo himself! 😀
But, man, did this movie whizz out of the theatres faster than a Diwali rocket or what???!!!! Not a SINGLE screen ANYWHERE in Mumbai dedicated to KJo’s Bollywoodish rendition of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire…why God, why???? 😉
Our desi Ron and Harry have the license to hit on both Hermione and Ginny; the only difference being Ginny here has no brother…sheesh, what were you thinking??!! 😛
Unlike their videshi counterparts, our hari puttars possess absolutely drool-worthy bodies…Plus the Bhaaratiya Dumbledore is overtly gay…it certainly couldn’t get better than this!
Then there’s that annoying ‘Anjali Anjali’, a KJo find from 14 years ago, who’s metamorphosed into one of the hottest female supporting actresses of the year. Not that I was dying to check her out! My husband was! 😀
Well, to cut a long SOTY short, the movie vanished out of the theaters faster than I could read its title! 😦

BELOW: Poster of the Year! Kudos to Jo for crunching in more alphabets than faces in such a tiny space.

Dumb and Number!

Chhota B(heem) reportedly celebrated Diwali with added gusto this year. Bada bhoj jo chaati se utar gaya hai! Firstly, the world is finally convinced that Beti B is no clone of a certain Vivek Oberoi neither does she have ‘TIGER’ish features 😀

Secondly, joh hamesha Bol Bachchan kehlata tha with no substantial work to his repertoire, is suddenly in the news thanks to a crackling performance in, well, no prizes for guessing…BOL BACHCHAN!

So, our Gol Bachchan gifted a chhota Cooper to Beti B for Diwali! Not a tricycle, not a ride-on….directly a Mini Cooper!!! That’s the difference between us ordinary mortals and the Bachchans!

Anyway, a few Aryabhatts even noted that Miss Kaif’s black Audi and the newest baby in the Bachchan stable (not Aaradhya) share the same numbers on their license plates ….hence, they must be consulting the same astrologist.

2882….Innocent looking numbers, right? Then, the dormant Aryabhatt in me woke up, and guess what! 2882….does this sequence mean anything?

Think, Think…

Bolo Bolo…Tell Tell… 😉

I’m all ears ….

Awaiting patiently (stifling yawn)…

O, damn you! 😉

28th. September is the day a certain Mr. Kapoor was born in the year ‘82!!!

Ain’t KAT one shrewd cat after all! Certainly not as innocent as she looks when she bats those mascaraed lashes at us.

KAT ka motivation main samajh sakti hoon, still scratching my pretty head as to why Babyshek’s hankering after the same numerals….unless….
UNLESS….

Someone’s hoping for a Dostana 3 to happen with Ranbir playing one of the 3 happy and GAY stooges 😀

Below: The Cut-Copy-Paste- Numberplates

Ton of Sardar(d)!

Wow! It’s been ages since a much-hyped Bolly flick with an A-list star cast made me scramble for my migraine pills! SOS is THAT bad!!!

Everything about this movie is sooooo pointless! Right from Ajay falling at Akshay Kumar’s feet for the title of the film to his unconvincing Sikh getup. I won’t even elaborate on Sonakshi’s stale look and wholesale hamming. And, not to forget, everything from the ridiculous family feud tearing up the lovers to Sanju Baba who looks like a bheegi billi…. Oops, Billu, 🙂 in this moronic saga after scaring the s••• outta us as Kancha 😉

Even the notice slapped on YRF for hogging single screens across the country seems like such a futile exercise, now that we know that SOS is nothing more than a big, fat Diwali dud! Some put it down to pure bad karma, what with ADF losing the industry’s goodwill and all!

What was Ajay Devgn thinking, fighting tooth and nail, for more runs of SOS??? Make the whole nation rub its temples furiously instead of visiting our fabulously lit-up temples? 😛

Devgn should learn to stick to plain acting. Producing and direction aren’t his forte. Every movie he’s been associated with, in capacities other than acting, right from Raju Chacha in the last millennium 😀 to SOS, have been certified flops! When will he learn? Kadhi shiknaar re tu??? Satakli re, satakli! Aata maajhi satakli! 😀

Sorry yaar, Diwaali bekaar with Son of Sardar!

Sonu, hand that hot water bag to me, pleej 😉

Student of the Year REVEALED REVEALED REVEALED!!!!

While the entire nation waits with bated breath as to who’s the star of SOTY, I’m one of the few who already knows his name!

Jealous? Haan? Haan?? Bolo bolo, tell tell 🙂

Well, scroll down to know who

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It’s Siddharth Malhotra! Siddharth Malhotra!! Siddharth Malhotra!!!

He’s the man who gets both the trophy AND the gopi! 😉

Time to spill the beans on my ‘reliable source’- none other than my Darling Hubby!!! Hahahahhaha  🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

He has a gut feeling the lanky model from Delhi is the one who’ll strike it lucky in SOTY!

Before you dismiss his prediction, let me tell you that he ALWAYS gets it right! Be it the bhoot in Bhool Bhulaiyya or the twist in Kahaani or how Ek Main Aur Ek Tu would end, he’s always hit the bull’s eye! …And blinded the poor bull so many times!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Here’s Mr. Scriptwriter spewing some gyaan on his deductions:

“Sample this. Sid is a middle-class student, whose dedication lands him at the prestigious  St. Theresa’s  on a scholarship. Varun is the rebellious, spoilt rich brat, totally lost, aimless and clueless in life, whose only identity comes from being the son of a business magnate. You do the math. Alia has to get hitched to the more responsible, more grounded Sid, even though she’s indulged in her fair share of flirty fun with Varun.”

OKAYYYYY, makes sense so far.

And come to think of it, I’m inclined to agree with hubby as well. Here’s why:

I looooooooooooove Varun Dhawan and I honestly think he’s one of the best-looking newcomers on the B-Block. But I get the impression that KJo is fonder of Siddharth Malhotra than Varun. Check out every promo and you’ll see close-ups of Siddharth and long shots of Varun. This, even when Varun is the better dancer of the two! And then there’s the fact that KJo recommended Sid’s name to Ekta Kapoor and got him a plum deal with Balaji Films.

And then, there’s Alia’s body language. She loves Varun, albeit, in a platonic way. But she looks longingly at Sid, tells him coyly that she wants ‘more’ (whatever that means!)  in the ‘Radha’ song, caresses his face with a lingering finger, and generally shares more screen space with him than Varun. Plus, in the promotional poster below, she seems to be warding  Varun off completely….Okay, maybe I’m reading too much into her every move 😉

I’m not completely sold on Siddharth’s charm. He reminds me a lot of Sunil Shetty – angular face, thick lips and all 🙂 Oh, and not to forget, that visible discomfort while dancing and the stiff postures. Let’s hope he scores in the acting department, cuz as of now, I feel like gifting that golden goblet to his arch-rival Varun 🙂

As for Varun, there’s a certain cockiness to him- a lot like the arrogance Shahid Kapoor exudes. Is that why Karan prefers the humbler, non-filmi  background walla Siddharth?

Only time will tell. In this case, October 19 2012!